Trapping of Feeling

The thing about stinking thinking is always thinking the negativity in a depressed way. It's always gonna be bad and you believe you're a failure. I know that stinking thinking is always thinking bad out of a situation or yourself. The trapping of that feeling will have you hyperfocused on how bad it could get and what kind of failure in a million scenarios you are. That's the thing you are a bad guy and not good at anything. I know that even in a  hyper-reality we cannot distinguish the reality from a simulation of reality. So the more you think it's going to happen in your imagination, the more I know that it will happen. I know that hyperreality is something that will have an impact on your performance. So please help people get out of stinking thinking.

Yes, this stinking thinking happens to addicts at times. And in that there is a personal history of self-terrible thoughts involved in the failing process.

I know that a good support would understand this. I could feel that Mawita'mk Society is a good support system. And in that the ideal support is revealed by individuals who do understand this. The downward spiral cycle of addictions and the battles that I've won with the sake of my own health. I know that I have battled personal demons that have been tearing me up. I feel that everyone had their games done to me in Eskasoni. I know that I never had a good restful night all those years. And I know that I did not have any safety but damages. I wish I was a skilled fighter because I could've worked that angle. But my stepfather held me back and I know that I couldn't learn karate, Judo or Mixed Martial arts.

The ideal understanding of it is the more you're in it, the more it will come true. If I think that I'm unattractive, the more I will seem unattractive.

Women don't have that problem because they look pretty. A man would compliment them and try his best to make them feel better. I know that the research is against me, the hypergamy is against me and so is the history of people are against me. I don't need to explain nothing to nobody. I am that reject that no pretty lady would want because I am not working. I feel like that kind of unattractiveness because I know that I am. I am just a nerd who did not get his life together until 2015 and still working on a few negotiation tactics. I don't know any by the way.

I have to endure much as I can with my current situation. I know that hypergamy is the only reason that any girl would come on me. I know that I don't have any chances because I don't work. Obviously I cannot attract with looks alone. Especially since I want a few dates.

I know that I could be triggered with certain things and situational factors. Giving that I had no girl or teen partnership with a female. I know that I am still questionable in my stance. But I also know that I don't need to answer any questions because I have Tinder. I think I might have a chance, with the research and hypergamy, I don't think I do have any chances. I feel that I never have any chances because I don't work or go to school now. Of course I had a few accomplishments but nothing significant. Nothing I can work off of because I have everything against me.

The risk factors of thriving as an adult are poverty, reasons to move out of parent's house is overcrowding, neighborhood, violence, parental absence, unemployment, instability, mental health, overall health and what are the essentials of living as an adult. I'd learned to muddle through all these things without a smartphone.

Resilience is a good quality of healing because I know that I have been living here for twelve years but I cannot practice resilience. I cannot test the waters yet because I did not have my own place in Eskasoni. I know that I am a hard worker but my stepfather will always have the say over my fate in professional development. I know that I want to have a regular employment experience and grow accustomed to living on my own without Mawita'mk Society's care. I want to enjoy my old apartment in Eskasoni and have a career at Eskasoni Tim Hortons.

I know that in Eskasoni I wouldn't get any respect whatsoever because I'm an alone nerd who never had any real respect at all. Confidence in that makes me a traitor in ways because I know that I wouldn't get privacy, intimacy or anything else. I know that I couldn't really have a clear-minded experience in Eskasoni.

That's because there was too many druggies and addicts who wanted to get to know me for their benefits. Eskasoni is bad than ever there and I know that I wouldn't have a restful nights there. I know that they would be stealing and thieving from me. I know that I cannot stop people from stealing but I know that I could denied them access. I know that I never had any real connections or love because I know that I cannot have regular employment year round. They want to know how I have sex, what bank I am using, what's my passwords, what is my level of health at, how much muscles I have and how I live. They want to know my expenses and whatever saves them money.

I know that I'm still servant to Rob Shipley because I don't get to have financial smarts about my own money. I didn't get to enjoy my money for 7 years. And he still never paid back but he has taught me things. So, education versus ignorance? Right? 

I know that I couldn't have a moments rest in 74th street, Horseshoe Drive apartment. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts or have any real powers, respect or connections in Eskasoni. I don't have any real influence or control over my own place with Rob Shipley by my side. Or some kind of bad ass from my childhood. I know that I never used Tinder or a smartphone while I was in Eskasoni. And I know that people would hack me. I know that my family network is something that could be used in my protection. But I think that I don't have any choices because outside of Mawita'mk Society's care there is expensive cost of living and gas.

I want to do the fine art of Judo and Kung fu. I know that I want to start a good history with the forms and styles of Judo. I could referee in Judo, Kung Fu, Karate, Brazilian Juijitsu and mixed martial arts.

I could be a Referee Specialist who specializes in Judo and other martial arts and mixed martial arts. I know that resilience have made me charming and sociable with other people. But I know that in my truest nature I am an recluse. And I like to be alone. I know that I'm made fun of, and humiliated in many ways because everyone rather have me that way. I know that I don't get respect because I am not formidable or personally threatening. And they rather have that in ways of violence. I know that Eskasoni wouldn't pick on anyone they are afraid of because they rather pick on me.

I should've spent my time reading books and encyclopedias. Instead of writing poems and journals. I know that I did not have any smartphone then and I know that the smartphone was recent in my life. But I am greatly appreciative of this opportunity. And I know without my smartphone nobody calls.

I had books for the most part of my life. And I know while I was healing I should've finished reading the books I had 10 years ago. I had all the time to read but Connie kept on nitpicking her way around, making up rules and regulations as she works. I know that I don't have any respect here either because she wouldn't of said that Connie was in charge. 

It's like Connie gets the better half of the deal while others have to follow her. In my addiction I couldn't get a job or have any phone at my disposal. I know that I was truly disadvantaged, held back and left to rot on my own loneliness, devices and vices. I couldn't get a decent meal on my own because I had enemies, dysfunctional friends and family.

I used to do meditation with a godmum or somebody. I know that I used to sit with my memories and witness them passing by was something of a good thing.

It'd established me in the presence of mind while I'd practiced mindfulness. I felt a good thing happening because I did not worry about anyone else but being with the moment, absorbing it and being in the moment. It was an immersive experience where all my focus was on that moment.

I know that Mawita'mk Society knows how to make the influence syntonic and look natural. I know it seems like it is seamless and I know that I cannot tell the difference. I know when they make a change or a shift in thinking. I know that I'm not really in charge because I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I know that I am not complaining but rather noticing how Mawita'mk Society works. I know that I'm still stuck where I am because of dialysis, I am not working because of dialysis and I am not driving because of dialysis. Everything that I want to do is stopped because of dialysis.

I know that I care for this place, and I don't want to be subsumed by it's kindness or generosity. I want to be an independent adult where I'm thriving in a good progressive development of my life professionally, personally and physically. I want to be able to say that I'd build my own home from scratch, with construction connections, or professional connections I had over the years. I know that I want to be able to say that I did that quality of work and had my helping hand in developing, building and creating friends and colleagues and co-workers. Over the years I want to have stepping stone jobs that have made it able to save up and continue with getting credentials.

I want to be able to say"yeah I've worked and paid my dues, by myself without my fathers helped". I want to say that I've paid for my own car and nobody else helped out. I want my own independence.

I want my own independence so that way I could say I've earned, proven and done the job. I want to be able to say, with the cost of living and minimum wage going up, I've earned, proven and done all that I could learn by myself. I know that the family don't want me to prove that I don't need them. And I don't know what's up with Mawita'mk Society, but I do know that I want to earn, prove and do everything in my powers to accomplish things. I know that I didn't have any chances with the family with the current knowledge of my situation I have. Building on that stigma, I'd learned that there are nobody like me here and I want to drive to places where I can get used of living by myself.

I know that I can live without Mawita'mk Society's staff. They want me to be dependent on them for everything. Today I don't have any handling of food or anything. And I know that I'm still stuck. They used some of my stinking thinking against me and tell me that I cannot have a life of my own without their support. But it's a struggle because in Eskasoni there is no support home. There isn't any group home that have been built. In Eskasoni they believe in the powers of the self, to be able to do it socially and professionally. 

But they don't have any unity and they believe in a hierarchy of classes, rich and poor, uneducated and disabled. I know that I cannot get employment in Eskasoni because of these class wars. I know this because I had a hard time getting any job in Eskasoni. 

But Mawita'mk Society have served the purpose of supporting me. I know that I'm not ready to get a good place of my own because I hadn't gotten any job experiences for a long time. I know that Eskasoni wants to destroy any opportunities I have because I have enemies, dysfunctional friends and family in Eskasoni. I know that I am learning about bidding process, relationships and family from Dr. John Gottman. I know that I cannot blame everything on Eskasoni because I had my hands in certain things. I did not taken precautions as a nerd. 

I cannot give up because life keeps on going. I am always learning about relationships in the cycle, impacts of Indian Residential School survivors, and my own coping skills. I know that I have a good place here but I want to build my own place into a homey place. A happy home for a single bachelor. 

I know that I want to get my second transplant kidney and live my life. Living a life is working on things on a daily. I know that I have all the time in the world to read, exercise and train. I know that I just have dialysis and other appointments.