Connections

I never done sports, never entered military service or went to a company. I never was a sportsman or RCMP or anything. I know that I've been used to make an organizations look good. Even my own stepfather don't want me. 

I have absolutely no fucking connections to the employment systems or anything. I know that I'm not trained in anything that I'm good with. And I know that I don't have any careers or jobs. I know that people wanted me to suffer. I am an absolutely nobody that was traumatized and left for death. My only salvation was Mawita'mk Society. I couldn't really get anything going for me in Eskasoni because I was a social pariah.

My stepfather didn't want to deal with me in any fashion or way, considering my careers or sports or anything. My stepfather condemned me to a life of mediocrity and level of no potentials. I couldn't do anything for myself in Eskasoni.

My step family didn't want to bother with me in any successes, personal accomplishments or graduations. I know that I wasn't given a fair chance because it was all conditional. I know that my stepfather wanted me to stay safe in a bubble. I know that I could participate in any sports or organizations because I was an outcast. I did not fit in to anything because my stepfather made sure I did not fit in. I know that I have too many dysfunctional friends and family that wanted me to do it all on my own. I am an outcast that's why I don't have any blacklist contacts or connections from sports, education, driving, Trades, Judo, RCMP or military. Girls stay away from me and I don't have any respect. Female hypergamy is how this world works and I know this because I've been alone for 36 years now.

I know that I do things differently. I research and I know that women stay clear away.

I know this because I did not have any opportunities for growing old with a woman. I know that I'm still that sick kid who never got his chance. But I moved and everything changed. I had three meals a day for twelve years. And I got support system at the group organization called Mawita'mk Society. I know that I got my ALP diploma, I got my trade credential and driving credential. I got my expired Beginner's license and job experiences. I got work term, job shadowing and an actual job. I know that in Eskasoni I had internship and work terms, in Wagmatcook I had job shadowing experience and formal training.

That's what trauma made me think, I had no real connections in Eskasoni. I know that I never used any thing under my name or had any job. I felt like I never had any opportunities in Eskasoni because my friends were dysfunctional and I was broke as fuck!

Loving like a older brother is wanting to protect the younger ones from tearing each other apart. An older brother's love and pride of the family is an honorable one. I want the best for my family. I want them to participate in every programs. I hope that I could learn much as they do. And I hope that I could help out much as I can with family traumas and healing. But I know that my family are becoming factions and I hope there is something I can do, to heal and emotionally recover them to family love and pride again.

I know that I had to do something with my life. And I know that I have to be careful with traumas and healing. I know that I have been learning about psychological works like Dr. Philip Zimbardo's works, Dr. Tian Dayton, Dr. Tara Bennett-Goleman, Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dr. Daniel Goleman and others like Dr. Richard Bandler's works. If I do pass on in a young age I want my family to cone together.

To come together and have a family reading and writing sessions until they finish reading all my books. Struggles of being the one to have such knowledge and my family not using coping skills. I know it torments me and I know that I have to get everyone together. I know that I'm not gonna die any time soon so I have to figure something out. I know that I have been learning about healthy relationships and dynamics and psychology of relationships through Dr. John Gottman and his team. I have a few pdfs and eBooks that I gotta finish. It's on relationships too, as well as other things for such employability in the work force. I know that I have to learn as much as I can through everything.

I got a sister in bartending and catering, and I have a sister in addictions service. I know that I could work at We'koqma'q Tim Hortons and hopefully get a good reputable work history.

I know that I have a stepfather in addictions service. And I have family in Counseling positions and other positions. My style of upbringing was tough and smart. But I know that I haven't been able to finish that driving goal just yet. I know that I hope that I could get my second transplant kidney. I know that I am a Certified Skilled Tradesman and Certified driver. I could do deliveries if I could get my full driver's license. Hopefully I could write the written tests and work on my driving goal. I know that I never had any real connections until I'd moved. And in Eskasoni I was discriminated as an addict when I'd sobered up in 2007. So it has been 15 years of sobriety and alcohol free but smokes like cigarettes and coffee.

I know that I became smoke free since 2013 and I am still drinking coffee but sugarless. I know that I could get a good momentum going but Mawita'mk Society would stop it.

I know that I want to get my Certificates in NADACA Relapse Prevention program and Stewart's WoodWork shop. I know that I have been living here for twelve years and have been sober for that long if not longer. I know that I was getting my weed at first but then I couldn't afford it and I wanted my own phone. I know that nobody wanted me to work any jobs. And I know that I have been learning stories and having an understanding of other people. Growing up in Eskasoni I really never was part of that community. I know that I never had any real connections to jobs, ladies, food, medicine, opportunities or anything. There was one problem with my trajectory and that was transportation barriers.

Nobody wanted to help me out. I know that I couldn't afford any rides and I know that I did not have any education, no jobs, no car and the vicious cycle. I was the social pariah.

Everyone wanted me to give up on things that they thought was no good. Like plumbing or lawn maintenance. I know that I was held back right from the start. I had a lot of good things in Eskasoni but no trade or anything. I know that I'm still not Red Seal Certifed. I know that I could experiment with courses and ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician Training Certificate program. I know that I can get my job that way.

Now I'm a educated and well trained, Certified Skilled Tradesman and Certified driver. With a few credentials hanging on my wall and have to do more with my life. I've wasted my teen years, childhood and early twenties. I wanted a good life but nobody permitted me that. I know that I hadn't any luck with women through all that. I know that I wanted to have my life together and building on the good life in Eskasoni.

I could see that I had opportunities in the past but I did not know how to get to the point where I was a couple. I know that I did not have any smartphone or anything. But I know that I was held back by the teacher because I was fat. I know that I was stressed out and losing this battle against this instructor. His education was discriminations. And I know that he wanted me to suffer humiliations after humiliations. I know that a lot of them wanted me to. I felt like I did not belong in Trades. I have no strength to fight back and I know that I did not have any demonstrated skill. I missed my opportunity to proven myself because I was being bullied.

I know that I am undesirable and in that I don't have any blacklist contacts. Which makes for the perfect home. I know that I don't have any back ups, experiences or any booty calls. I feel like I hadn't much luck.

Hypersexuality runs deep in this country, so does hypergamy. They all have reasoning for those kinds of purposes. I know that if I'm not working any jobs I am useless. I know that people have their opinions about me and I know everyone wants me to fail. This world will beat you down if you let it. And it won't take anyone but me to work harder through all that and get my money, have my small steps and baby victories, have my daily accomplishments and keep on moving. I know that I never was given any opportunity freely. I had to work, bite and fight my way through the agonies, miseries and pains and grief. To work for my family's pride and confidence in me. And still arise on top of my problems. I know that I had to make moves and keep doing what I had to do. To get my ALP diploma, get my trade credential and driving Certificate. I know that I was severely disappointed and depressed in me. I know that I had to work through my traumas.

I had to keep moving, physically, intellectually and mentally. My mind moves through space and time but there is so much through reality. A whole picture isn't always the whole picture. In reality there is so much to hide in that I even know how to follow the truth. I see that people taken me a gullible, susceptible and regrettable soul. All I have is regrets and missed opportunities. But I have to keep moving towards something. A new fitness, a new second transplant kidney and this way a full driver's license. Hopefully I could get a good chick by my side. And maybe she will stick with me.

I feel that I have too much pride and love to give up. Simply give up. I know that is what I've been beaten down to. Simply giving up. But I know that I got every reasons to keep on moving, soldiering through the hardships and difficulties. To keep on living and accomplishing. I know that I will get there.

You keep loving your family. You keep moving and not let this world knock you down because they would keep you down. Vengeance isn't the key but it's the cycle. I know that I don't have any special lover or special attention on me. I know that I never was picked for training in Eskasoni because I did not have any contacts or connections. But I'd moved and now I know that I'm still not welcome in NSCC schools or anywhere unless I have money. I know that I have to keep moving because even the credit company would keep you down.

I have my own demons to fight. I know that I don't even tell anyone here about them. I know that they don't want to know. And I know that my disgrace have been terrible. I feel that I never once had a break from the hyper-reality of addictions and hypersexuality. I know that hypergamy is the sexual hegemony. I know that I'm poor as fuck!