My Identity, My Pride and My Connections

I know that I'm related with the Jown family. I know that I an related the Syliboy family. The Jown family is in Eskasoni, Paq'tnkek, Membertou and other places I don't know. I feel that my family identity and personal identity is rich. I have the Catholic Church, Mi'kmaq tradition, Christmas, Vatican Church, Schools and other things that define me. I have reached up to Grade 9 before I had anything. I know that I was discriminated with bosses. I know there was a type of favoritism. There is so many ways to believe in my hometown. I know that my Jown family is large and my Syliboy family is large. I know that I'm still learning about the family tree.

My biological mother is a Jown. And my birth father is a Syliboy. So I was adopted by the Morrison family. And treated like I was a fragile and easily used kind of person. But when it came to certain jobs around the house or yard I was yelled at and tiraded.

I couldn't really get used of work because I did not possess the motivation to work hard. I know that I did not have any money in the bank. And if I did have money my cousin Ray spent it for me. Which I did not ask for. I was saving up for a $500 car. I know that I did not look good in my stepfather's eyes because I wasn't his child. But today is a good day to die because I have every credentials I gotten from community programs, college programs and School of Access. I've learned about culture in every programs I go into. I am Certified in cultural awareness and etiquette. I know that I've been certified in Trades, driving, culture and other things.

I know that I care deeply about my family but have a good appreciation and care for Mawita'mk Society. I have a ton of reasons to live my life. I could explore so many things when I do get my second transplant kidney. And I know that I could get so many things.

I'd moved here when I was 25 years old. I'd wasted half of my twenties looking for jobs and collecting pop bottles. I know that I was going to get a full time employment from Eskasoni Band Office. Doing the Gabriel Center and taking care of the pews. I know that I want to enjoy a good job in Eskasoni. Be employed by my own Band Office but I have to get all those credentials I need like NSCC Plumbing Certificate, ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician Training Certificate.

But my identity is Mi'kmaq Virgo tradesman and intellectual nerd. I have pride and love for my family, my friends and family's friends. I don't want to ask for any favors and I don't receive any favors. Hypergamy is how this world works and I know this from childhood, teen years and in my twenties. I know that there is no better way but identifying the struggles of hypergamy.

What's my identity, pride and connections? I have none for that matter. My connections are non-existent essentially and I know that I have friends but they are too dysfunctional to help out. I know that I walk alone and in that I always have walked alone. Especially since I was a kid. My stepfather never really wanted me but his own children. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts because I don't attract any women in my life. I know that I don't have any lover's quarrels, I study relationships and books about psychological works of relationships, coping skills and cultural knowledge. Epistemologically I'm pretty smart but I need to finish off a few pdfs, eBooks and books. I'd finished a book: Trauma and Addiction book by Dr. Tian Dayton.

What can I say about my human side of my identity? What can I say about the student side of my identity?

What can I say about the professional side of my identity? What can I say about the cultural side of my identity? What can I say about the family side of my identity? I know that my connections are how I ate. I want to protect them because nobody wanted me to eat, take my medicine or work. I know that I've been learning my enemies uses the Internet too. I have to assumed that they don't respect my privacy because I give permission to read this. Up to here I don't want to have to deal with my enemies because I know that I don't get to choose anything.

I want to get on my feet, meaning that I want to get my fitness, second transplant kidney and full driver's license. Then get a job and degree. I hope that I could get my Bachelor of Arts program and continue with NSCC Plumbing Certificate program. I hope that I could get my Red Seal papers in Plumbing and get my own place in Sydney.

I know that I want to be a legitimate professional expert in my field and get a good understanding of business. I hope that my next degree is Bachelor of Arts Community Studies after I get my BA degree and Red Seal papers in Plumbing. I hope that I could earn a good understanding in business, economics and finance. I hope that I am good with numbers and have a good understanding of mathematics. I feel like I've been learning about Facebook security and other things.

Player-haters love to keep me down if they can. I used to think everyone was against me. I had this paranoia that everyone was coming at me. I had enemies that made it clear if they wanted, they could kill me. I say if I train my body for vengeance I would be bombarded with attacks. Mi'kmaq don't have honorable battles and I know that I don't get any justice because I am damned.

I have to fight battles that are against me. They pick on me because I am a nerd. I know that I don't get to choose women or jobs. I know that I'd prayed to God but I know that everyone came at me. They are cowards because they have primeval fear. I know that I used to have Alexithymic Profundity where I used to think of happiness. My childhood had some good memories with it. Nobody adored me because I am that ugly. Regarding how much I have and how I used to be. I used to have struggles with memories and other things.

I have all this discriminations and favoritism, stratifications and nepotism, intercultural racism through colourism and degradations. I know that I have all these classifications of struggles but didn't have any solutions. I know that I had taken the good with the bad before. I know that I used to be a thug and had to hustle.

I know that I have been trying to lose weight. I know that I have to control my drinking of fluids and water. I know that I have been controlling my fluids and water since my kidney is at its end-stage renal failure last January, 2021. I know that I miss living in the apartment and doing my driving exercise with my sister. I know that I miss my old apartment in Eskasoni. I know that I'm on dialysis right now but I want to enjoy my life. I know that I don't have to do it right now. I don't want certain people to know me because I know that they are unfair and nosy. They get to use therapy as a means of getting to me.

I know that I don't get to have my say. Or have any influence in what I do. I know that I don't get to choose my own choices. I feel that I don't get to have anything safe or mine. It's cultural ageism and I know that I'm discriminated because they think it's respect.

But respect goes both ways and I know that they aren't free thinkers at Mawita'mk Society. I know that they don't care for me because they worry about their respect. They don't have any respect for me to leave my mind alone. I had an mentality that was independent of the culture. I knew what was my respect and I knew that I was serious. I shouldn't of let my guard down because they take full advantage of me. I am left out of my own decision-making process because I am neutral and independent Indigenous nerd.

My mother always listened to stories fully before assuming. She has been the beacon of hope and love. To return to the pride and love state. And have a thriving, healthy lifestyle. She was an Addiction Counselor and she knew certain things. My stepfather was a tradesman and I know that is part of my childhood. I knew that I wanted to do forestry and construction when I can.

My mother showed confidence and strength. She always knew where she stood and she always found her way. Knowledge seem to be elusive with her and I know that I wanted to learn all I needed from these units of parents. I knew that there was more to my stepfather's story than Indian Residential School. I knew that I was learning to ask more and more about his knowledge. The more I'd learned from him, the more I wanted to stay. The same with Mawita'mk Society: the more I'd learned about them, the more I wanted to see my fate with them. Even though I have trust issues and independence issues. I still want to develop from self-esteem, self-obedience skills and strategies.

If I was to connect with someone here I would have a passion of a conversation with such intellectual works like Trauma and Addiction book by Dr. Tian Dayton. I would have a conversation about subjects.

Not gossips or rumors. I know that I have been through traumatic addictions and discriminations. I know that I never had any choices with women. I know that I never used any hypergamy influences to my advantage. I know that I was left out of the equation at a young age. I knew that I did not have any opportunity to work or drive. Two aspects of my life that could've been easily solved. But I've solved my problems by moving to Mawita'mk Society and getting help quickly. I know that it would've taken treatments of food, medicine and sleep hygiene practices and sleep schedule to fix my problems. I know that I did not have any woman attracted ever since I'd moved here.

Ohyes I have to show respect to the elders. I know that is important to them because they don't want me to be independent. They all want me dependent on them. I say teach me the life skills and work skills, get it over with.

And then leave me alone. I know that I want my independence and freedom to live my life how I see fit. I know that there are disableds, addicts, fiends and bullies. I know that I want to stay away from those people because I was traumatized every since I started smoking up at the age of 14. I know that my cousin Ray got me into stuff like that because me and my stepfather's relationship was strained. I know that I did not get to do any sports or do any summer jobs other than pick bottles. I did not have the benefits of a good patent in ways I needed because they had problems. They focused on their kids that they thought was special. And left the rest of us out of the equation.

I couldn't rely on my family because most of them were addicts. My mother always listened to stories fully before assuming the worst. I know that I have been trying to be strong like my biological mother.

She was an Addiction Counselor who loved her job and family. I care like I was a Addiction Counselor. I want the best for my hometown. I hope the very best out of the worst possible situations in my hometown. I hope that we could get our shit together and make, build and share a community with pride, love and trust in this cultural community. Growing personally and accustomed to Mawita'mk life. I know that I have cultural awareness Certificates and other credentials hanging in my bedroom. That say that I'm Certified in driving, construction and upgrading.

I know that I have been living here for what it seemed like centuries. I have come to accept this place as s suitable home. And I know that I love and care for this place. I hope that after me this place becomes a beacon of hope like my biological mother. I know that I have a good group home.

Things could change and I know that this place has a lot of good people staffing it. But I think that they've let out a Demon Child out of me that I have full control over. I know that I have been learning to accept things the way they are. I just imagine how I would because my step family wouldn't want me prepared for it. I know that getting to know me this way is something of a pretty good research. I know that the extra steps into this kind of research is investigating my family, friends and institutions of my hometown. Social structures of my hometown that I'd grew up on.

But Darren likes to torment me in every way possible. He never feared for his life in my presence. I know that he is getting arrogant with empty gestures. I feel that I cannot fight him because I don't have the training or muscles to back myself up. I know that Clyde, Vickie and Roddie aren't afraid of me.

I know that Darren sides with those who he could benefit from. I know that he doesn't really care for me or respects me. I know that he isn't going to change because he isn't suffering my torments. I cannot set boundaries with these people because I am a nerd. And they are my bullies. I know that I don't have any respect because I know there isn't any boundaries or safe zones. Healthy relationships are good ones that have balance, boundaries, harmony, connectedness and trust. But there isn't any boundaries here because I have an obligation to tell them.

I know that is the kind of influences I have here. I am the youngest so I have to deal with cultural ageism and sexism. I know that hypergamy and hypersexuality go together. I know that I'm still learning about healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships. I know that I need common grounds.

But I know that with this guy he hasn't suffered like I have. He hasn't proven himself through accusations and discriminations. Everything I've done I know that I never had any choices but the addictions. I looked it up and the research was against me. Women have no interest in me. I know that I'm still looking for reasons to live. I've grown darken and stuck. I know that I don't have full autonomy over my life because of Mawita'mk Society. He hasn't faced extreme prejudice and beatdowns.

I know this because I've been through all that sordid business. I know that I do have unfinished business. I know that I don't have full autonomy over my life because I was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. They won't let up because I'm damned. The things I've sawn and the things I've went through isn't all that funny. Forgiveness is a virtue and a gift. 

All I have in common with the guy is that we have the same team. Even that I don't connect too well with the guy. I know that I connect better with my stepfather, real father and uncles and aunts at sports then anyone here. I know that I don't connect well with a lot here. I have to be given scraps of conversations with them. I know that I have to give them a break because they aren't like me. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts to call to. I know that I made some friends. 

My head is heavy with tiredness. I know that I don't deserve any love. I know that I'm still looking for a reason to keep living. I'm tired and light-headed after shopping with Connie and Paige for hours on end at Costco. But I'm happy it's done. I'm happy that I got some food in me from McDonald's and Roddie's birthday.

I know that I'm not loved here because they don't want me to have my privacy. Even if I do they have exposed most things about me because they rather choose to hate me. I know that I'm not loved here but I am stuck here because of my family, disabilities and strengths. I have no car or I'm not really helped out in any aspect because I know that I'm not strong enough to go to the dark side. 

My Devil in me isn't fully realized because I am a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. And they are using some kind of ableism against me. A mentalism that don't want me to have full autonomy over my own life. I cannot choose my feelings or switch my attitude ant time I want. I know this is my blog and the last shred of my independence. And everyone is trying to shut that part up.

This place wants me thinking backwards and mentally numb to the effects of outside connections that they have. I know that I don't have any respect because there isn't any boundaries or safety. It is only safe to make Mawita'mk Society look good. I know that I don't have any fear out of them. 

All this place wants is my dependence and stagnancy. I don't know why but they are trying to slow me down. And put more control measures in place for me because I don't necessarily have any courage, backbone, focus or strengths to be formidable. I know that I don't have any respect because there isn't any boundaries. They haven't went through anything with me because they rather have control and management measures in place to make me think that I don't have any personal powers. 

But I am on dialysis and tired easily. I know that I'm still working on my weight. I hope that I could get something going for me. I feel that I don't have much to look forward to during my days here. I know that in my truest independence I could be triggered. 

I know that I'm not respected because I've been reduced to nothing. I feel like I get frustrated and tired but I know that I'm supposed to obey because they are behavior managers. Not psychologists who is interested in my overall health. I am hated and managed because I don't have any strengths or powers to fight back, to thrive or do anything for myself.

I cannot be left alone because I am here. I know that I'm stuck here because I am hated by all my family and friends, culture and other people. Growing up I never was changed or had any opportunities for myself. Me? I was always held back in some fashion or way. Controlled, managed or oppressed, I was always that kid who never had any justice or vengeance. Or any opportunities or anything.

I was always humiliated or picked on for humiliations. Or bothered or something. Depending on the bullies' whims I was always bothered, beatdown, tiraded or somehow abused. I know that I don't have anyone backing me up, supporting me in my goals or objectives. Nothing helping me out and I know that I'm a hated nerd. 

Everyone wants me to fail or give up. Simply because I don't like gossips or how other people are. I know that I'm highly and heavily criticized or tiraded because I don't belong with Mawita'mk Society. I knew this long ago and I know that I have to get everything myself.

Yes, I will pay them back for all they've done but I know that I'm still unlucky or hated because I don't have any respect. I feel like I'm trapped here and don't belong here. I don't like new people because of opinions or views that they hold. They believe that they understand how my life turned out to be. Unprofessional boundlessness and no boundaries are what I've learned that these people want from me. 

When I'm tired, hungry and busy I don't want anyone bothering me. I know that I'm stuck here because of my multiple disabilities that I don't know. And the hatred I get because I am nothing to the ladies. I know that I'm not happy where I'm at because I have to deal with a certain cultural situational ageism. 

I don't want to be known. In my truest independence I want to be personally left alone. I don't want to be dependent and stuck where I have to rely on people in my personal life. I know that I'm still learning about Mawita'mk Society and that they hold some kind of powers over me. I have to make myself more aware of my own decision-making process and powers. I know that I've learned emotional intelligence through relationships and learned that I'm devaluated.

I know that they want me to want them in my life. I've learned that I an the target for humiliations. I cannot rely on myself for anything. They want me dependent on them. I am still a working progress and I know that they need therapists and professionals to control my expectations and independence. I know that they need to work all this because they rather me thinking backwards and stuck on dialysis. 

Yes, they have saved me but in exchange they want me to obey them in variety of settings and different relationships. Different relationships different ways to help out. This world isn't any guarantee for love or pride. I know that I cannot get my goals done like my full driver's license. The way I was learning was sneaky for them. 

I know that there aren't any boundaries in this place. And I know that I'm hated to be controlled and managed. I know that I was learning my value with these people. I know that I've lived here for twelve years but I was given the empty promise of getting my driving experiences. Which I know that I'm still stuck here and have to accept this. 

Nobody wanted me accomplished and thriving. I know that I don't pack a wallop because I don't do sports. I know that people want me humiliated, hurting and hated. I know that I wasn't allowed to make my own decisions in my life because everyone wanted me dependent tool of some kind. I know that I've done some preventive measures to stop this kind of inducements. 

I know that I'm not well known or liked because I don't have any careers or sports experience or anything. I know that I'm not well respected or liked because there isn't any boundaries with me. I feel that I need CBU's BACS program but I know that I didn't do that well in high school. I know that I was held back from everyone in Eskasoni because they wanted me a dependent tool who cannot learn life skills, work skills or driving skills.

I know that I've been sadden because I couldn't really enjoy my hometown. So I have to walk away and work all my goals while I get my Red Seal diploma.