Peace Has Defeated Me

I know there isn't no more Pull and Push Struggles. But I know that is what kept me motivated, the trauma and pull and push Struggles. I wanted a good life and direct myself to fitness and productivity. I have to find motivation in peace. Peace has defeated my purpose to work at my own fitness. There are so many safety reasons to stay active. I know that writing is all I have left. I know that I'm still learning how cruel the Internet could be. And I know that family wants secrecy and privacy. There is so many health reasons to stay fit and walking. I know that I'm happy right where I'm at. It's nice and homey and cozy.

I know that I have to be resilient and get back to active independent living. I know that I feel that peace has defeated my motives and purposes. I know that I have built a good life here and I want to enjoy my active walking and home exercises regimen.

I don't want to be homeless and stuck on the streets. I want to be thriving with a good homey place. I know that people are ashamed of doing some kind of job. I know that I wanted to be health knowledgeable in psychologies of coping skills. And fitness and other things. I want to have my own independence and freedom to thrive in Eskasoni. But the voice in my head says that I'm good here. I know that I have good support and influences. I know that I'm still kinda scared to obey. But I'll try to work my obedience skills and routines according to Mawita'mk Society. They haven't misguided me yet.

I know that I take my pride whatever job I have. I know that Dignity of Labour philosophy is my defense. And I know that it's my guidelines and lifelines. I make it a point to say that every job is a good job. No matter what I do. I was a caretaker in ways.

Or a landscaping laborer where I had to do lawn maintenance. I know that I've tried my damnest to fight back against my bullies. I know that I've done some things with my stepfather. I know that I have formal training and reminder of general basic construction techniques. I know that through my stepfather I've done volunteering landscaping laboring. I know that I've been a yard carpenter and home repair worker. I know that I've been a backyard mechanic with my stepfather. After the days was done I went to my bedroom where I had the latest technology and money for cigarettes. I know that I have been playing Playstation consoles since I could remember my first purchase.

Because I wanted a regular paying job and to understand the employment system. I know that I had to get my education and trade. But I know that nobody wanted me to succeed in my goals because I know that I've been stuck.

I wanted to know pogey and the employment systems in Eskasoni. I hoped that I could get my driver's license and job to have a income during my days in Eskasoni. I know that since I'd moved here I was set on working on these goals. Getting my full driver's license, getting my second transplant kidney, working on my fitness, getting my Certificates and Accreditations and degrees and diplomas. 

But I got my ALP diploma in 2015 and got my construction credential in 2016. Since then I have been getting my credentials from programs in the community.

I know that I don't have any energy to meet the demands of a relationship. Especially when it comes to an independent woman. I know that I have low energy and I know that I'm getting lazy. Peace has defeated my purpose and I hope that I could find another purpose. Or renew my purpose and get something going for me. I am held back.

But for good reasons I'm held back. I am on dialysis and don't have any energy to build upward to a level of fitness that I need to feel good about myself. I know that I feel like I could do better with my physical health. I know that I've been smart so far. Working on my blogs and having my own blog. I want to work at my physical fitness until I can conditioned my body into a muscular body fitness. I know that Connie has some bad influences with temptation and not self-obeying. I know that I'm more willing to work at my own fitness.

My real father wants me to be selfish and cold to my own family. I know that he doesn't care for them and in that he doesn't want me to do anything during my alive days at Mawita'mk Society. He just wants me to be frugal and stingy. I know that he wants me to have money. But I have a phone bill to pay for so we could keep talking.

He doesn't like it when I am independent and thriving. I know that he wants me dependent on him and asking for things. But since he doesn't mind helping out with his own kids, I don't mind using that money for my phone bill. Maybe he does like it when I'm independent and thriving because a needy child could be annoying.

I don't want to die, I want to go back to my power willing and cautious self again. I hope that I could become strong-minded again and start taking the two cups a day seriously. I know that I'm 11 pounds of liquid and driving off a cliff isn't my style. I want to thrive, survive and strive to live. I know that I'm still learning to be patient and tolerant of others. And I know that I want to live longer. I know that I want to develop a routine of two-cups minimum a day and have my life growing and flourishing in my life. I know that I have been indulging and I don't want to.

I'm taking steps to set up my drinking and eating habits to eat and drink less. Or manage my habits through Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have to work at my walking and managing my eating and drinking habits. They stand by me and they don't want to see me pass away. This is dangerous stuff and I know that I have to manage myself. I am young and I have a full life ahead of me. I know that I have regrets and past troubles. But I know that I have to take charge of my own life.

I would rather create my own poems and other creations. I know that the creative industries are coming. And I know that I have to publish my poems and other creative works. I know that creative, intellectual works are there for Indigenous people. And in that we have a good understanding of shared histories. I know that I have so many reasons to live my life.

Creative industry is building up. I know that I could become an artist, artisan, poet, novelist and autobiographer. I know that I could be a painter, sculptor and other creators that could make money. I haven't hustled for art than I haven't experienced love or passion of poetry and the arts. I know that I'm still hard worker and I have to start. I know that I need to work at arts and other things on my own. I know that I'm still working on my own creations. Of course I have to get some inputs in. I know that I need to work on my fitness and experience the runner's high. I used to work on my own fitness when I was young that I used to have a natural high. Activities and other things. I know that I'm not that sexy because I would've had my own lady by now. Or multiple partners.

I was held back because my step parents didn't believe in teen sexuality. They have forbidden it and wanted me to be celibate.

But I had my fair shares of women. I know that I'm not that sexy because I would've had my own lady by now. I know that my status has been single all my young life. I know that is my destiny and I know that I haven't any teen sex. I know that I hadn't earned my respect or love. I know that I'm still broke as fuck and have to pay for phones that my sisters took advantage of. I haven't been living the simple life. I know that I need some kind of income because my step sister won't answer me. She won't solve this because it isn't her name. I know that she doesn't care for my own emotional health. I know that I could get repoed and lose everything.

That's what I'm afraid of. I know that Billie Jean don't care about my credit. She would've done anything to help me out. I know that I'm stuck with everything under my name. I know that she cares in ways but she needs to keep answering me.

Mawita'mk Society isn't letting me do things to improve in my financial situation. I know that they don't care for my own financial burden. They don't care for my name and I know that I don't have any rights to economic resources. I know that I'm still learning about the favoritism in this Mi'kmaq life. 

Mawita'mk Society is going to come up with a good plan I hope. I know that I could rely on Rosie but I know that I'm stuck in ways to work. Obviously I am on dialysis and don't have any jobs. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts or sexy women or have any experience since I'd moved here. I know that I don't have any stress release sex or have any sports or trade. Hopefully Mawita'mk Society could do something with this bill Tuesday. 

I know that I've been surrounded by old men who had hypersexuality and thrive off of hypergamy. They thought themselves perfect when they would cheat. And they rather have me on this lonely road because I'm ugly. No girl in their right mind would want me because I have nothing that says that I'm independent. That I got my life together and that I have sport experience, job prospects and education opportunities. I know that I'm not in shape or have any desire to work out here.