This is my Blog

My particulars are going to get me killed. I know that I have to let Mawita'mk Society do their job but I want my independence. I know that I want to be in the Shadows. I feel like this is my blog and I get to personalized it as a journal. Just to get some stuff out of my system. I know that I'm still learning to deal with myself and my idiosyncrasies and particulars. I feel that I hadn't any love in my life because I don't make a good lover. I am selfish, I want to have my independence for myself. I hope that I don't end up on the streets and mentally ill. I know that I'm stuck here because of my family and disabilities.

I know that there is inflation. And I know that I'm still looking for ways to make money. I know that I want some kind of income to pay for online stuff like World of Warcraft and other online gaming I hope to pay for. I want to learn all the necessary online stuff I need to make a good PS account.

I have online social media accounts, Playstation account and spending accounts and online portfolio. I know that I have been trying to go AA and NA and Al-anon. I know that I have been accustomed to the routines of We'koqma'q community where I have been learning my consequences. I know that I'm the hated nerd and in that I need outside support because Mawita'mk Society isn't that perfect or ideal support system. There are other supports that are out there that I could take use. Situational forces and other things have gotten me into depending on Mawita'mk Society's moods.

I know that I could get a job with stores and other places. I know that I want to have job experiences in retail, construction, fast food restaurants and other places. I know that I don't have any friends willing to help me out with jobs. I know that people want me to struggle and feel humiliated.

I know that I don't own anyone because I know that would be old-fashion and tyrannical. I know that I don't want to own anyone because I would have to protect and put preventive measures in. I know that I am learning emotional literacy through this blog,  emotional intelligence and emotional regulation through relationships, cultural knowledge, forms of therapy and exercises. I know that I'm leaving out of here eventually. I hope that I got job experiences in Sydney. And other places. I know that I'm not perfect and in that I'm a lowlife and fuck up. I know that everyone rather have my life stuck in a mental/emotional hell.

I know that I hadn't my own crew. I was that nerd always getting beaten without purpose or reason. I know that I had people against me. This life I'd lived had hypersexuality in it from Indian Residential School survivors. I know that I did not want this little world.

Now I got books I could learn from for my own personal development. There is so much that I got, dynamic balance of work and personal life, coping skills and psychology. I am learning DBT Skills and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. I read books like The Memory Illusion: Remembering, Forgetting and the Science of False Memory by Dr. Julia Shaw. The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil by Dr. Philip Zimbardo. Get The Life You Want: The Secrets to Quick and Lasting Life Change with Neuro-Linguistic Programming by Dr. Richard Bandler and Conversations with Richard Bandler.

Aspects of personal development is working on my coping skills, psychology of motivation and workethic, my pride and love of my family. I know that I am learning emotional perspectives on my own personal reality. Yeah I miss living in Eskasoni.

But I'm learning about qualities, coping skills and strategies from psychology to help me cope, work on my fitness and routines, and to make myself calm and composed. I know that I have been living here for twelve years and gotten my credentials. Learning what to target in the areas of personal change and personal development. I am learning that my torments can be managed by me. I know that I have heavy regrets and in that I am learning emotional freedom. Or some kind of freedom. Mawita'mk Society is a place to study and work on myself through learning psychology of Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Tara Bennett-Goleman, Dr. Daniel Goleman, Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dr. Phillip Zimbardo and other doctors I hope to get.

I want to get better because I want to work on my personal ambitions of reading. I know that I want to enjoy my readings. And get into the book. I have to learn.

I know that I want to prepare for a family. I know that I don't have any lover because I know that I didn't have any support from family for my family. I know that I still don't because I don't have any respect. I feel that I have to get a full time job, degrees and Certificates, full driver's license and car. I feel that everything is happening to me because everyone don't care for me in my goals. I know that I'm still stuck on the ground and on dialysis. I know that I don't got any control over my own life.

I know that there is a mental ableism and I have to deal with that. I know that certain people don't want me to have personal freedoms because they believe we share all this. If that was true I could've had women by choice. I know that I would've had my full driver's license and job. I know that I want to have my personal experience in independence and freedom.

I don't want to guide Vickie or Clyde anywhere. I want to be freed from them and hopefully live my life how I see fit. I know that I don't get to choose anything I want in my life. They force and enforce their beliefs on me and try to indoctrinate me into their little worlds. How I should be and live. I know that this is my blog and I know people have their opinions and views about my blog. They believe that they are right and have rights over my belief system. That is why I am independent of the culture. I know that they want malleable, dependent tool psychologically stuck and stagnant. I know that they couldn't see pass the culture. There is philosophy that could help me in my independence and freedom.

I don't rely on Elders who cannot tell the difference or have doctorates or degrees. I know that I am learning from Doctors and professors who wants to spread knowledge.

Living life is my choice and nobody elses. I know that I don't rely on Roddie or anyone else because I like to be independent, making my own money and having my own hometown apartment. I know that I want to move to New York and get my Master in plumbing. Or move to Halifax and get my Pipe Trade diploma. 

And get my Red Seal diplomas. I know that I don't have any knowledge for a doctoral degree. I don't even know if I have any knowledge for plumbing. I hope that I do because I know that I'm held back to write all this. I know a couple therapists who wants me to stop with writing. I know that I have to learn all I need to work it into my life.

I know that I want that kind of independence and freedom where I could choose anywhere I want to go, I do it with my own car or truck. I know that I don't have any freedom like that, to drive away any time I want and to move.

I'm stuck here until I can get my full driver's license and part time job. I know that I cannot go anywhere because I don't have my second transplant kidney. I know that in low energy and don't have any respect because of no boundaries. I know that I'm the target nerd and have to tolerate and endure. I know that moments will pass but I know that I'm the hated nerd. Everyone wants me humiliated and stuck. I know that they don't care for me because they rather dominate me. I know that if I had my own way I would be dealing with my own life how I have to be organized. I know that I have to be organized and in routine because I need my medications and injection.

But I know that the common folks don't need that. They just live and don't have any worry about life. I know that I want to get much professional credentials and licenses. I want to have job experiences in Sydney and Halifax.

I don't care what excuse they have for my Freedom of Speech. But I know that I don't get much love or respect. I know that people want to humiliate me because they want to control everything. I know that I'm not happy or perfect but I know that I don't get to have anything my way. I'd survived most humiliations and I know that I'd recovered but I still want vengeance. People here are lucky that I don't have any physical strengths to harm them. Or training to do some real damage. They get to say shit because they don't want me to have that kind of dominance in my life.

I know that I have good people in my life. I know that I used to have terrible people in my life being bad influences. I know that people don't have to try and I know that people have choices of efforts and influences. If they want they could persuade anyone to do anything.

I know that I'm the punt of the joking world at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I'm still not respected in any manner because of my age, my disabilities and the fact that I'm the utmost hated Indigenous nerd. I know that I don't have any real connections to getting my full driver's license, job or degree. Nothing is under my control because everyone wants me to beg and implore. I feel like I've suffered for nothing and gain no insights. That's what I feel like because my missed opportunities to read daily was stopped because of certain people on my life.

I know that I'm the hated nerd who is the punt of the jokes. I'm humiliated and stuck here until I can get my full driver's license and job. I know that Rosie has me stuck here until I cannot move anywhere. I know that they annoy me to the point of frustration and upset. I know that my words don't carry weight. 

I'm not an angel or the handsome Indigenous nerd. I know that in all this I need help to get a woman. But with my pride I'll probably refuse help because I know that people pity me. I know that I don't look attractive or rich or anything that would attract a woman. I am just damned nerd. I know that people don't want me to have a serious stance. 

Mawita'mk Society wants people to work for them, they should enforce rules of productivity and efficiency. I know that Darren and Kendra or whoever is coupled together, talk too much because they feel like there isn't any obligations or rules of efficiency. I know that I'm still waiting on my medicine or waiting for a ride or something. They have the luxury of talking to people I'm their phones.