Truest Independence and Freedom

I know that I cannot have true independence because of my disabilities. I know that I want true independence which meaning that I could thrive without Mawita'mk Society's care. I know that I cannot have true independence because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with limited lifespan. I have Thoracic Jeune of Dystrophy which means that I have a limited life span. I should've died long time ago. And I have dialysis now because I couldn't get my full driver's license in my teen years. Any day I could die with the Thoracic Jeune of Dystrophy. And diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic I've lost my sanity and the ability to live a fully functional independent life.

Yeah it's not that great out but yeah, I could keep working on myself because I need my full driver's license. I know that if I graduated from Eskasoni High School.

I would've had more done in my time. I felt like I did not live up to my potential because of my stepfather. I know that I did not have the benefits of a parent because I did not get my full driver's license. I know that I did not know why I was being excluded. But I know that I was deprived and excluded of everything. I know that my life wasn't worth the attention I needed for a car, full driver's license and job. I know that my stepfather left me out of the equation and having my life left out, I couldn't really go to appointments or get anything. My stepfather left me behind because he did not want to put up with me.

Right now there is no opportunity to grab hold of. Hopefully I can get my full driver's license here but if I have to move and find someone else to help out. I hope that I could find someone else. I know that I was held back and that seems laughable because I did not have the benefits that my stepfather had.

Every new generation had its problems. And I know that I don't offer anything for a young lady. I know that I don't offer much because I don't have any fitness, full driver's license and job. I did not participate in sports and I was told to forgive. I cannot do it for myself because I know that I'm not worth it. I feel that my step family wanted everything against me because they've enjoyed my struggles. I know that I don't have any respect because I don't ask or earn it. I know that I don't have any physical strengths because I did not work out for vengeance. I got my ass whup so many times I still have to cope to this day.

I've questioned my existence. I did not have any woman, food, medicine, car, accomplishments or milestones and a job. I know that I did not have any job prospects or have any personal freedoms. I did not have any opportunity or have any sports or rèsumè.

I don't ask for favors but everyone seems to want me to. Toughness is the strength to do it on my own. I know that I was tough and independent. I wanted to be smart but my pride got in the way. I know that people in Eskasoni did nor want me to thrive on my own because I wasn't a worthy nerd. I know that I did not have any chances or opportunities because my stepfather did not want me to succeed. He left me to my own Malnourishment, Addictions and Discriminations. Everything I've done and everything I did not have. I know there was a special attention to my demise. Nobody cared for me in Eskasoni and I know that I did not have food security, domestic security or overall safety.

They all wanted me to beg or ask for favors. And have no opportunities and chances for me. Being in Eskasoni reminds me how my biological mother cared for me.

Now I'm back on dialysis and don't have any degrees, professional and college Certificates or have my Beginner's license and job. I have experiences in jobs but not that much. True independence would've focused on my aspects, credentials and licenses. I know that everyone did not cared for my own muscular fitness, hygiene, organization, neatness, tidiness, cleanliness, me getting my own car, job and credentials and licenses. I know that my stepfather took everything away from me and left me to my own devices and vices.

I did not enjoy my own apartments because I did not have everything I have now. Of course I had books but not the ones I wanted. I know that I did not have the technology available to me in my hometown because family nor sisters nor brothers did not want me to get it. At the time I was against it because I knew debts.

The cross that my stepfather gave to me through hypersexuality. The insecurities I had, the paranoia and the worries. I could've killed myself couple of times out of frustration, of my own stinking thinking. I mean most of my life I was an addict or discriminated as an addict. And I know that I did not have any opportunity to clear myself of addictions. I know that I have been living through hell for some time.

Now I cannot because I know that I did not try. I feel like I could've tried harder and been 100% stronger. I know that I did not know why people where bullying me until the traditional bullying of a nerd was a thing. I know that I was home invaded and beaten down. Vengeance could've been mine if I trained harder. I know that I did not know anything about memberships, subscriptions or bills. I was free to spend my money how I seen fit. But as I was I did not have any GST.

But now look! I have a few credentials and an expired Beginner's license. I have a good smartphone and eBooks. I have Kindle, Netflix, Audible, YouTube Music app and radio apps. I have a Playstation gaming consoles and Xbox 360 gaming console. I have a good amount of things and the books I wanted. I know that I have a lot of books I wanted to read. I am knowledgeable in addictions and healthy relationships. I know that I'm happy where I'm at because of the opportunities I have here. I could say now that I'm rich with life. I am no longer malnourished or uneducated. I have survived the suicidal thoughts and questions.

It's a good day to die. I feel like I have beaten the odds and I know that I hadn't beaten my enemies. But at least I'm out of that situation and into a thriving place. Of course I want to personally and physically develop and grow accustomed to hard work and fitness.

I hope that I could get to redo my Beginner's license and get a good job again. I know that I was in hell and hadn't no victories. Personal victories. I know that I had to work through all that and keep to myself. I felt that I never had any real connections or respect in Eskasoni. I've suffered the consequences of putting my trust into a community. Growing personally and accustomed to the good life here. I feel like here I am rich but I don't have to worry about food security or overall safety. Here I have appointments to go to, outings to go to, church and work. I know that I live a good rich meaningful and valued life.

Here I could have significance, meaning and value in my life. Here I could thrive if by chance. Here I could exercise and train hard for my own body conditioning into muscular fitness. Accepting myself as an bachelor and descendant of Indian Residential School survivors.

I feel like I have to make it meaningful, significant and valuable. I know that I have a good life and I know what is important to me. Family is important, work is my sense of purpose, love is meaningful and a lover of mine is valuable. I know that I have a good mentality and my fair shares of women, if I retrospect properly. I know that I want to enjoy my life in We'koqma'q community by driving and working. Job satisfaction, the perks of a job and the benefits is what I'm looking forward to. Toughness is learning the strengths to get over it(accept it and keep on healing), move on with my life and work at goals.

I know that I've been sober for 12 years and I have a good support system in place. I know that I have something to go home to. A good hot meal, good coffee or tea, a good company and good music. With privacy and love. I know that I have it good here.

I am building a good solid life here and I know that I want to explore my options with driver's licenses, jobs and education. I hope that I could get a good momentum going with getting my full driver's license, NSCC Certificates and diplomas, CBU diplomas, certifications and degrees. And ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician Training Certificate. I hope that I could get Certified in Judo Referee Specialization, Dialectal Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. And Accredited with Addiction Counseling Certificate and other Certificates. I want to see how good I am with Counseling Psychology, Cleaning, Plumbing and other trades and service I could try to do.

I want to be highly organized on my own. I want to learn everything I need to, to multitask and work on things I want. Especially a good woman.

True independence would've figured all this out on my own. And have my life together but I have my life together here. I want to keep building on my life. I want to keep improving and building. There is room for improvements and I know that I am geld back in that aspect. This kind of edification or amelioration is something physical. I need to have somebody with me. I need to work on my physical body fitness in order to learn to enjoy movements and the joys of physical activities. I know that I have to work at my physical body fitness in order to feel better about myself.

If I die I would want my things to be sorted by my sisters. I know that I want my books read and kept by the family. I hope that they take good care of my books. Struggles to keep my fluid off and keep in shape. I know that I am forever here until my death. I think anyways and if a girl takes me on. I would enjoy my time with her.

I know that I've forgiven my hometown bad eggs. But I am not going to trust them anymore. I know that I don't want to live in Eskasoni because I got many enemies there. I know that I got no dates. I feel that I have forgiven most of my enemies. They have hurt me emotionally deep because I am a nerdy little intelligent man. I know that I don't have any dating experiences yet. I know that I am still questionable but I have to keep working through everything. I know that I'm happy with the level of knowledge and education I have. Building on my life I want to have a good lover. And with an increase sense of purpose I want to exercise with my future lover.

I have to do me because that is my truest independence. Writing what I believe and think. Of course I have been through hell and back because my step family have introduced me to hypersexuality at a young age.

But I know better because I know certain people and therapies. I know that I want to develop more. Read much as I can with my collection of books and encyclopedias. I feel replicate of my own damages or re-creation or re-enactment is what I've avoided for years. I know it has been twelve years living here and I have my credentials and license. I know that certain people that are bullies don't want me to succeed. Distractions, derailments and discouragement is what I face now. I'm saying that I'm not dealing with it now but rather I face that possibility.

I know that I want to thrive and fight the good fight. Feeling that I don't have any respect because I don't have any job, car, accomplishments or milestones worth mentioning. I know that I have to work extra harder for my own accomplishments, milestones, car, job, degrees and Certificates and diplomas. 

Truest independence and freedom is to deal with this socioeconomic reality that we have, keep on with the struggles and keep up with my chores and appointments. No matter how much inflation there is. 

I have social media. I have LinkedIn profile, Facebook, Tinder, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr and Telegram. I know that I want to learn much as I want through YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn and other social media. I have Snapchat and Tik Tok. I know that I have to earn my own place. I know that I want to get awards and honors. Hopefully, I can get something.