My Generation

I know that my generation never had any support from either elders or parents. I know that for me I had to get support outside of family. I know that I'm happy where I'm at because of Mawita'mk Society. But I know that I was supposed to be independent, adulting in the year 2010. I know that I should've taken care of my personal business and gotten my credentials long ago. I know that I never was independent enough to explain why an Indigenous child could've been saved by the system. I know that I never had any connections to get help. I know that I was learning people would take me damned or not.

My generation wasn't the Millennials or generation x. My generation was born in the 80s and raised in the 90s. My generation was showing the world we could do it without their support. I mean we were supposed to be thr Smooth transition to independence.

We should've been called the Smooth Generation because of the Smooth transition to adulthood. I know that we were supposed to not tell the older generations what we were. But I know that we have been learning to accept our roles in society. What we do privately is our business. I was supposed to have credentials ranging from Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma program to Security and Law Certificate program, to Automobile Service and Repair Certificate program, to NSCC Plumbing Certificate program and Cooking Certificate program. I have that much experience in my life to do all that.

I was supposed to have jobs ranging from all those programs and then some. I know that my granny Barbara taught me to cook. My stepfather ranged to cooking, cleaning, baking, doing chores like van repairs to indoor repairs and plumbing. To building.

To guarding the yard to making fitness. I know that I could've been easily done with all those programs because I was well taught. I could've learned computerization of cars and vehicles to having my own place as a restaurant. I know that I know all this but I haven't proven it to my stepfather. My real father was a security guard and I think that I have connections with that. I could get NSCC Law and Security Certificate program. I know that I cannot move back because there have been murders done in Eskasoni. I know that my stepfather don't trust anyone in Eskasoni. That's why he doesn't want me to move there.

I know that I was held back because I know that I could've gotten my full driver's license. I feel that I hadn't any relationship experience but I know that I'll die alone. I feel that everyone wants me to give in. Give in to what exactly? I have been accustomed to being alone. I've enjoyed being alone.

I don't want to be abuse in any fashion. I feel that is why women don't want me. I have too much protection. I know that I'm damned, forgotten and stuck where I'm at and I don't want to be. I feel that I cannot get any women in bed. But I had opportunities before and eventually I will get them again. Of course I'm not like my cousins who are way more attractive than me. But I know that I never was changed from nerdy little paradise called Bedroom Nerdvana. I know that I have no car or vehicles. I need to redo my Beginner's license but I cannot do that because of Covid-19 pandemic.

I know that the buildings that is supposed to be issuing my Beginner's license, is closed because of Covid-19 pandemic. I feel that I could learn a thing or two about car systems and how to fix them. I know that I was living in Eskasoni before. I know that my food, my bed and other stuff was stolen.

That's when I used to live in Eskasoni alone. I know that I did not have a menacing and formidable presence. I know that I did not have any fundamental respect at the beginning of all this. I know that I was introduced to drugs and alcohol long time ago, alongside hypersexuality and hypergamy. I know that I don't have any women to back me up. I know that I've done some preventive measures in my life to stop myself doing drugs. I feel that I couldn't argue back because everyone wanted me to be shy and awkward. I was the Martian who couldn't float in space because I had enemies in Eskasoni. I know that I did not have any legacy in my life.

I know that I did not have any smartphone back then. And I don't have any blacklist contacts for a booty calls. I know that I was taught that I was dog shit. I feel that I don't amount to anything.

I want to be accomplished, successful and independent. I want to be thriving on my own but nobody has faith in me. I know that I need to live my life to the fullest potential. I know that I cannot rely on my family for driving lessons because they won't. I know that I am losing battles and cannot be free from conflicts. I know that I have been living here for twelve years but soon I will eventually move back home. I know that I have to be confident and self-assured where I could wait for driving lessons. But I am on dialysis and I have to wait for my second transplant kidney.

I know that I want to enjoy my independence so I better get in shape to be on that transplant kidney list. I know that I need to be in shape and being productive and active is the only way I know how to do it. Nobody wanted me to remember all the things that I have went through. I know that I was a child addict and then I became a teen addict.

Addictions have riddled my life and ruined opportunities in my life where I've dropped out of school. I know that I did not have any ways to get a job. I wasn't taught to make a portfolio or rèsumè. Now I have an online portfolio and a physical portfolio. I know that I have tons of experiences in my life. I feel that now I'm rich and accomplished. Rich with my own collections, electronics and clothes. I know that I could move but I know that I could get my own place too. I never had to work so hard to forgive my enemies. I know that the wounds have healed but the scars I won't forget. I know that I did not have any opportunity to live my life to the fullest potential.

My granny Barbara is passing away. She had a stroke and now they are giving her injections. I know that I will miss her because she has been a big part of my life. She was strict bur for a good cause.

I needed to learn my self-discipline from her. I will miss how she used to tell me things like how I used to be tough but not tough enough. I know that I had a good life with her and I know that I'd love her. She was my granny and she knew that. I'd lost three grandmothers, my Grammy Jessie Denny, Mummum Jean Doucette and my granny Barbara Morrison. I know that I had a good life with these women. I feel like I am rich with knowledge and skills when it comes to these women. I know prayers, gardening, wood-chopping and piling neatly. I know faith in God and this universe. I know how to sew and cut. I know how to have a good time with movies.

I feel like I have been living a good lifestyle with these beautiful ladies. And in that I haven't put my mind to action to accomplishing half of the stuff I want to. I'd learned degrees of strengths from them.

I know that I pray for strength, unity and forgiveness. I hope that I could accomplish half of the stuff my stepfather has. I know that I have been living here for twelve years and not once have I thought about how bad it is. I know that I have it good here and hopefully, I can get things accomplished. I know that I've learned life skills, trade skills and other skills that I got to is a vocation to NSCC programs. I feel that I could get everything I need from NSCC Community College programs and test out my knowledge in general skills set. I just need financial support for every college programs I take.

Canada was a federalist country long before anyone wanted socialism, sharing of socioeconomic resources, distribution and sharing of goods. Federalism is something of state on state which no sovereign nations exist on paper. We have to do away with federalism and be anti-colonial.

There is a such thing as Treaty Federalism and a good understanding of today's political landscape versus Treaties. I feel that I could learn a lot with political science in Cape Breton University. I'd faced many sorrows, sadness and losses. I know that I have worked my hardest every day. But I have to work on my physical fitness. Accepting myself as average fat and knowing that I have so much to offer for ladies. I feel like Indian Residential School took so much away from me. I know that I don't get any justice because I am oppressed in ways.

I feel like that sometimes and sometimes I feel powerful. In Mawita'mk Society I could use social independence to work with them. As much as I use intellectual independence for my blogs, I can use financial independence to manage my money myself. And social independence is simply thinking for myself in social situations.

Where I think what is beneficial and my advantages, I know that I could live my life knowing that I took my opportunities in life. I know that I never took advantage of a teenager because I never had a prom night in my life. Being independent is thinking for myself and applying my knowledge in the right way. I know that I could learn to get along without prom night because I know that people want me alone. Yep I was the only kid who have dropped out of High school in my teen years. Still I don't regret it because I knew that I did not have any safety in Eskasoni most of my teen years until I was 25 years old.

I was on my own for 7 years and at first I was doing pretty good. But I did not have my own place for a while. I was here for twelve years and I know that I want to move out. I know that I don't have any incomes in my life. And I know that I don't have any respect.

But I have to be patient and tolerant of others. I know that I was left alone and enjoying myself in a good way. I did not graduated in 2005, I'd graduated in 2015, in Port Hawkesbury where I was well experienced in schooling. I know that I did not need a prom night because I know that I wasn't that kind of guy. I know that I wanted to explore cities in New York, California and other places like Toronto. I know that I did not get my chance to live my life on my own because of bullies, gay rapists, fiends and addicts. I know that I did not get my full driver's license because my family did not want me to succeed.

I know that I wanted city life but my family did not want to help out. I had to do everything myself. I know that I needed my full driver's license because I know that I wanted to drive to the cities of Canada and the states. I wanted to be experienced in working in the cities. And having my own place.

But I am always held back because my family don't believe in my abilities to work or take great care of myself. I know this because ever since I was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic I was taken to Mawita'mk Society and learned to trust them to a degree. I know that social independence is thinking and working for myself. Sharing independence is sharing life skills and other skills. I know that I could've been a good driver and a tradesman. I know that I don't want to rely on other people's opinions.

There is intellectual independence, financial independence and social independence. All saying that I have to think for myself and use my knowledge and skills. And apply all that to my life. Thinking for myself is reading books because living a sober life is being productive, active in reading and gathering information. Working on my fitness and routines of daily activities. And eating.

It's doing stuff for myself like feeding myself, clothing myself, budgeting my finances and making sure I pay all my bills is a holistic independence. I know that I don't have any incomes but I could damn well try to do some plumbing under supervision. I know that personal independence versus professional independence is working with personal stuff on my own. While professional independence is able to work alone and competently and rightly.

I know that I have lost three grandmothers and in that I will miss them. The way they've lived seem like they would live forever and I know that I had a few years with them but I always thought I could ask God a little more extra years with them and I would be good. I know that I have been living in Eskasoni because my family was there. I could've had a different life in Shubenacadie if I could've gotten there, when I was young.