A Little Bit Off Today

I know that I'm a little bit off today. I feel like I have been patrolled, controlled and managed. I know that I cannot drink or smoke cigarettes. I know that I'm a little mad because I don't want to live here. I feel that I never actually enjoyed my life outside of Eskasoni or Mawita'mk Society. I know that I cannot get any driving time or manage to get my full driver's license. I know that I'm not that great at negotiations. I feel that I wasn't really given a proper chance at getting my full driver's license. My stepfather wanted to control, patrol and manage me in every way. I know that I was cheated out of my youth.

I know that people ripped me off with time in my life. And I know that I did not get any ladies in twelve years. I feel like I never was that attractive in the beginning. I know that I'm not because it seems that I cannot get laid. Not even for a little one night stand. I know that I'm a little off today.

I hate this feeling because I'm stuck like this. The things I've suffered and the people that want me hurt. I know that I'm nothing to the ladies. And I know that I'm not that attractive or fortunate. I have no incomes or monies coming in. I don't have any sex experiences in Shubenacadie, We'koqma'q, Wagmatcook or anywhere else. I have to go into the big cities where I could go out on dates and everything. I don't have anything fortunate to keep a pace of lifestyle up.

I have nobody on my side. I am losing battles and cannot live without Mawita'mk Society. So it seems. It seems I cannot have anything off because I was mad at Darren or somebody because I did not get my coffee. I know that I'm happy that I got this much in my life. But for the life of me I couldn't shake that irritation. I simply wanted coffee and I couldn't actually get it. I was broke and had to ask Roddie for some cash.

I know that I want my independence and freedom. Earning my way I have to wait until I can lose the weight, get my second transplant kidney and full driver's license. I know that I don't get to enjoy different women every night. But I do have music, audiobooks, Playstations and other things in my life. I don't know about my opportunities with the ladies but I do know that I have to enjoy my life. I don't really project any confidence because I never was that attractive and fortunate.

I feel like I don't get any ladies because it either cost, I don't attract enough or either I don't take the initiatives. I know that I'm still learning and looking. I've started this little project because I wonder how attractive I really am. Apparently not too much because I would've had a couple women by now. I don't get offers like some of my cousins. And I don't know about my brothers.

But I know that I need to work my magic. I don't do charming right off the bat. I know that I'm still working on my shyness. I don't get offers to lay with women because I hadn't been out. I know that I am not that attractive but I wonder if I asked would I get any? I know that I had opportunities to ask. But I know that people don't want me to enjoy my time with a single lady. I'm single and I could enjoy ladies. I know ghat most people here wouldn't want me to enjoy my time. I feel like I never was an attractive bachelor but I'm eligible. At least I think I am, I am not quite sure what eligible bachelor means.

I don't think I'm desirable for being a husband. But I know that I don't know who finds me attractive. I feel like it's a guessing game and I have a headache. I feel like I don't have enough brain power to figure out who likes me and who doesn't. I feel like I'm financially stuck where I'm at.

I don't have the mental resources to live my life how I see fit. I know that I don't get to choose my life. I feel like I'm trapped financially, emotionally, physically, volitionally, intellectually and mentally. I don't have any choices and I don't have any means to make money. I'm strapped for cash and I know that I don't have any rides to my dad's place. I know that I have to show confidence and strengths. 

I know that will make an impactful kind of thing in my name. I know that a new disaster is inevitable but everyone seems to have an excuse to keep me lonely and wretched. I know that I'm still hoping to ask certain ladies if they could go out on dates with me. I know that I'm still stuck here because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.

I'm just a little bit off today and I feel like I never was handsome in the beginning. I know that I would've been sexy enough.

I know that I'm nothing to the ladies. And in that I'm always broke as fuck. I feel like I'm stuck here because everyone wants me humiliated or picked on. I know that I don't get to choose ladies I'm with but they get to choose me. Give me that come-hither look but no woman has so far. Working on my fitness and routines, I hope that I could get a lady. I know that I'm not that attractive to have different women every night. But at least I could attract one lady into my life.

Knowing that support workers have all the power. I don't get to choose what I want here or get to enjoy sex. Feeling that I'm still stuck here and have to accept my fate because I'd failed miserably as a human thriving. I know that I'm happy that my life has some kind of accomplishments. I know that is what it means to live here; I'd failed miserably to thrive as a human being. I know that I get to be stuck here, watching others living.

I don't know, maybe I'm praying to get my heart broken? Maybe I just want one night stands? Maybe I'm just tired of this place and want to live my life how I see fit? I don't know if I am an eligible bachelor because I know that not a lot of women don't knock on my door. I know this because they aren't right now. I feel ugly, damned and forgotten. I know that I want to do something with my life in regards to sexuality. But I know that women don't find me attractive because I would've had a couple women by now.

I'm a little bit off today but I know that I have been learning about relationships. I know that I have been learning about what questions to ask on eight dates. Feeling like I've learned a little about dating apps, dating and relationships. I know that I'm still stuck here and have to learn to accept my fate. It's not a bad one, just a strict one where I have to give up on sex.

If I had a choice I would've been in Eskasoni or somewhere else already. Maybe I could get my own place and get in shape. I mean that was a lot of walking I've done in Eskasoni. I feel like I could have been walking and living my life how I see fit already. Taking my medicine and on a sleeping schedule. I know that Mawita'mk Society has gotten me on a sleeping schedule but I want to do it myself. I want to learn how to get everything balanced and on routine.

But I know that the family don't trust or believe in me. I know that now I'm relaxing and want to enjoy sex. Feeling like I've been cheated out of my youth. I feel that I never was attractive enough in the beginning. Yeah I get lazy and I don't have any car, full driver's license or job. But I could live here because it's Mawita'mk Society and I've been living here for twelve years. I know that I'm a little off today and had a drink of my coffee.

When I took a sip of that I was set right back up. I know that people aren't afraid of me because I'm small, weak and useless. I don't have any respect or real connections. I know that I've been learning my roles as a Native kid who is an heterosexual Indigenous nerd. I know that I'm still stuck where I'm at because I don't have any full time employment, full driver's license or no woman. Should've known the price of evil thoughts. Hoping to get a good chick and live my life. But I'm going slowly insane.

But a little laughter and a good sense of humor, I could make it through the day. Tik Tok is something funny. So is Instagram Reels. I know that I could get sex but it wouldn't be with who I want. Especially since I had sex with women a little older than me. My babysitter and some other woman. I feel like I'm rich with choices and opportunities but I cannot take them right now.

I'm on dialysis and I have to get in shape for my second transplant kidney. Being tough and independent I feel like I got this. I'm a  young bachelor and have every reason to exercise. I have to fight this tiredness and laziness. And work at my own physical fitness. Accepting myself as a possible eligible bachelor I feel like I should ask certain questions and answers. I know that I haven't suffered compared to how my stepfather's family want me to. I know that I've done a lot and learned a lot. I just got to focus on relationships and dating, romance and courtship.

If I fall because I don't have the proper coping skills in place. I hope that I could get my life with a beautiful lady. I'd never been able to be a voice of reason. I don't have any skills in explaining certain thing or nobody has the mental capacity to follow me. I know that I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.

And my mind is slowly disintegrating. I know that I have limited mental capacity in a way. And I know that I have a life expectancy of a mental patient with multiple disabilities. I know that I don't have the most desirable qualities of an eligible bachelor. But I do hope that I could learn much in Plumbing and Pipe Trade. I know that I don't have any woman yet but I ain't giving up that easily. I hope that I could find a pretty one and take her with me on this journey called life.

I know that I've been learning about opportunities, relationships and romance, dating and courtship from Dr. John Gottman. I hope that I could get married but I know there is a lot to cover in dating, relationship and personal identity. I know that I have to learn from the best and do my very best. What I mean by saying that I might be a possible eligible bachelor is that I might be desired.

I don't go out and I'm not innocent. I don't get to choose my time with the ladies and I don't get to drive myself around. I know that I never was independent in the beginning and I know that is what I want. Well technically I know what living my life is like. I've been independent and trying to figure out what I want to do. I hoped that I could get pictures on my Facebook with me being in my twenties. And I hoped that I could get my full driver's license before I did move out of Eskasoni. But now I'm hoping to get in shape before I can settle down.

I haven't really progressed in my physical fitness. So in hoping to get something going for my physical fitness. I know that I love and I'm loved. But I want to go out on dates and have my life together in ways of getting my physical fitness, second transplant kidney and full driver's license. I know that I could work at those three goals.

I'm a single bachelor and I could get any woman I want. So I think anyways. I hope that I could get some kind of beauty at my side. I know that I have a lot of love and understanding. But women these days don't know what they want.