I Know Past Lovers

I know that I had my fair shares of women. But none of them wanted a regular relationship. They wanted a special relationship. I know that I had my fair shares of sexual relationships and I don't want my prayers to be ignored. I feel like I've been nothing to offer the women I had. But I know that I have been working at learning about dating, relationships, sexuality, courtship and romance. Well that would be my area of research. I feel like they love gentle and then raping kind of passion. I know that I don't know what women want. I know that I had one perfect laid. I know that I'm happy where I'm at because I don't necessarily have to work harder at my fitness.

If I could feel again, I would enjoy my Redemption and keep my forgiven family a good saying. Addictions has riddled my life and disabilities, I did not have a normal life and live the way I wanted to.

It takes time to become the man I'm supposed to be. I was occupationally discriminated against and I wasn't taught the proper training for the job. I know that I know a little bit of everything. I just hope that I could get my fitness, second transplant kidney and full driver's license. I want to get something going for me. I have to save up by myself. There is a difference between liking a person and caring for a person. The difference is responsibility. I have an obligation to that person to teach him or her the difference between liking you and caring for you. Liking is a small gesture on your friends' part where they tell you that they like you.

They don't appreciate you but they like you. See? Appreciation is where value and love is and that is no joke. You are a cracker if you think I like you. I appreciate you and love you. I want to care for you because you are family.

Past lovers comes and goes but being healthy is my need. And I need you to be my siblings and cousins. Yeah it's good liking you but there is no law stating that I have to like you. I know that you need food and transportation. 

And that's what I will give, I hope you understand that there is a difference between liking you and caring for you. Caring is loving you and taking responsibility to protect you, cloth you, feed ya and make you feel good about yourself. I maybe hard sometimes but it's because I care so much. Feeling freed to do whatever I want, I could be doing whatever but I chosen to care.

So I listen and obey what you need. You need me to stay here and keep laughing, appreciating and loving Mawita'mk Society. I know that I want my independence and freedom to fuck whoever. But I know that I have nieces and nephews.

I know that I need to get a woman and a real relationship connection with her. But that takes time and money. Maybe... I know that some women are independent and working. But I know that I don't get to choose my women. I am broke as fuck and have to enjoy my masturbation. I feel that I could be an expert Outdoorsman. I hope that I could be because there is traditional practices and knowledge, cultural intelligence of the weather and sense of direction. There is hunting and tracking. There is outdoor activities like outdoor fitness, outdoor adventures and outdoor events. Outdoor water sports and other things that I could benefit from.

I know that love is different from liking. I know that because I was in charge of family before. And I know that I'd learnt a lot now. The road to hell is paved with blood and sorrow. I have to get back to basics.

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But I never got to explain certain things. I know that I don't get to choose my explanations. And I don't get to capture what I want to say. I know that age makes a difference and I know that I don't get to protect my family from Mawita'mk residents. My family trust Mawita'mk Society. I feel like I've been close to Mi'kmaqness and Indianness from both sides of the family. I feel that they would rape my woman and come to a conclusion that she is good. I don't trust my Syliboy father or family that well. I barely know them.

I know that my real dad has to earn his spot in my life. He cannot force anything because he feels like it. I know there isn't any trust earned in my mind. And I know that I have to get back to loving and caring. I know he needs it and I know that I have renal knowledge he doesn't have.

Thanks to my stepfather I have renal experience and knowledge, have cooking skills and cleaning skills. I have such independence I hope that I could get my full driver's license. Hopefully my dads' could help out in that department. Since none of them helped out in my goal of getting my full driver's license. With my real father I have towork at the meaning of forgiveness and healing. If he doesn't want me to heal or forgive I have to work at myself. Originally I am from Eskasoni Band and I do want to move back. But I know that I won't get my own place and job. I feel like I might have an opportunity to get my own place and job in Eskasoni. Because I have this level of education and employability.

But now and these days the inflation rate is going up. And it's getting expensive with the cost of living and gas prices. It seems that I'm at a good place for now.

And I hope that I could get my own car and full driver's license. I hope that I could earn my way to my own car and save up. Feeling that I could work the pay system in Eskasoni, I feel that I would have more energy to do stuff in Eskasoni because I have a lot of reasons to work in Eskasoni. I care, appreciate and love Eskasoni but that don't mean I'm a fool. That goes the same with my real father, he has to do right by me because he hasn't done anything in years but give me money and clothes. I know he cares but he is being selfish and egoistic. I feel that he is on survival mode and I know that I have to care, appreciate and love him. That means take responsibility in helping him out in his health.

I ain't gonna spoil him. I'm not gonna get him my sisters or aunties or cousins. I know a thing or two about my life. I know that I would be upsetting and learning how to cope, I know that I have to show a degree of respect.

Not be a fool or tool. But I don't have to like him but I do have to care for him. And he ain't letting me care for him. I know that he doesn't respect my opinion. And I know that all the gifts he has given me isn't doing right by me. He has to help me in my health, give me energy and motivation. Do plumbing or repair work with me. Show me things that I did not know. And help me in my goals. He has to be a father to me. And work with me but he is disabled and I cannot seem to get him walking normally. I want to walk with him and do so much with him. The goal of being with him doing bonding exercises, I hope that I could because I do like walking with my other dad.

Everyone has a survival story. Just depends on how good you tell it that makes it interesting. I was a child addict who don't know how I started. I feel like I've been through hell so many ways and times.

That I don't know what to make a normal life. I feel that I should keep fighting and working. I know that I should be training since I have time. Make a regular daily routine starting in the morning with using the bathroom, shave and shit, brush my teeth and mouthwash. And taking a bath in the morning like how my biological mother had it. She had my routine where I would be creative in recreation or outdoor activities. And in the morning have my bath or shower. Brush my teeth and mouthwash for school. I had a routine but I know that I love how Mawita'mk Society has it.

I know that I used to be an Outdoorkid and enjoy stuff outdoors. My dad never took us camping but that never stopped me from going out and having a bike gang. I feel that I had something of a childhood. A hard childhood but a good childhood because I'd learnt concepts of coping.

I'd learnt that family loves me and wanted me to sober up. I know that I was sober for a little while and had my teen addiction when I was 14 years old until I was 18 years old. Then I was an in my twenties and having my addiction in my adulthood. I feel that my experience with women I never was attractive enough. I know that I lived my life in Eskasoni with my own independence and freedom. I know that I had a six weeks job and I was going to get full-time employment at the Gabriel Center. I'd sobered up when I went to NADACA Mi'kmaq Lodge Treatment Center.

I graduated from that and I wanted to have my Adult Learning Program diploma. It seems that I couldn't go back and I'd aged out of Eskasoni school system. I know that I've learned emotional stuff and I know that I wanted to learn plumbing and building. I felt I wasn't really enjoying my own life. I'd graduated twice anyways in 2015 and 2016.

I want to get my physical fitness and go on the transplant kidney list. I hope that I could do it through diet and exercise. I know that my stepfather gives me energy. And I know that I love my family and life. I want to build a good life in Eskasoni but I'm in We'koqma'q community. So I have to walk the distance again. My personal success is making a daily routine starting in the morning routine and afternoon routine and evening reading or writing routine.

In the afternoon my routine should be walking and lifting weights. In the morning I should take a bath, brush my teeth and mouthwash. Then shit and shave. And cook my breakfast and go for a walk. In the evening is where I should be taking it easy. Mawita'mk Society wants me healthy and they support me in my goal of developing routines and habits. I know that I have my critical look at them but I think I'm romanticizing my past.

I know that I have to work with Mawita'mk workers and get my life on track with getting into routines and habits. The habit of walking, the habit of exercising and eating properly. I just have to balance out my life with proper eating. I know that I have been able to walk far distances before. Or look for pop bottles and do odd jobs around the community. I feel that I could live my life like how I used to in Eskasoni here. I know that I could develop some kind of habit with safety training and more of a support from Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I care and appreciate Mawita'mk Society but they need to learn how to inspire, motivate and keep that level of energy up. My stepfather was pro-active and active. Enterprisingfulness and productive, I feel that my stepfather could make me do anything. He is part of my identity and memories. He is part of my heart and mind. We have a connection of loving and caring.

What makes me, me? I mean there are personality characteristics, markers and milestones of adulthood like graduating high school and college or university, like getting a car, a job, buying apartment or house. And reaching retirement and having a family. My culture makes me, me? My family and my occupation? My gender and my age? Tradition? Heritage or shared history? My memories are what are significant because I get to remember how my personality characteristics are, what I've accomplished in my past, what milestones I've reached and what I've said to my stepfather. My memory and Identity has been a big part of learning who I am.

How I make decisions in the future and what I remember significant and less significant. I remember being controlled psychologically because I did not listen or obeyed. I know that I wasn't freed or independent in any way.

Especially with my memory and identity. They have been telling me how I should think and act. How I should forget and remember. But I know how they were always a negative influences in my life. Oppressive and telling me what to think. I know that I wanted my independence and freedom of thoughts and actions. But I am enmeshed with older men teaching me hypersexual thoughts and insecurities. I know that I was taught how to think by a hyper-sexual thinking. They've driven me insane with regret and guilt. And they wanted me to remember their good influences. They wanted to get away with so much and destroy what sanity I had left.

But this has been something. A remembrance of how love works. I have to forgive, heal and move on. I know that I'm grieving and have lost couple family members and friends. Being that I'm still happy for what I've accomplished and had milestones in my life.

I know that I want to say that my family is good influences and bad. I have to take the bad with the good and forgive, heal and move on. Yes, I've lost so much and yes, I had many missed opportunities, past traumas, losses, barriers, difficulties, grief, tragedies and shames. I know that I've lived a miserable life with a good qualities of a healthy lifestyle. But now I have a good life. I know that I have been able to move into Mawita'mk Society and thrive. I feel rich with life experiences, choices and opportunities. I know that I have knowledge in my bookcases. And I know that I have been learning a lot.

Thanks to Mawita'mk Society and modern technology, I am a good man considering the worst. I know that I have been living here for twelve years and lost a lot of friends and family while living here. Of course I had many birthdays, holidays and Christmases. I know that I love this place.

But I've had losses, barriers, difficulties, grief, tragedies, sorrows, sadness, missed opportunities, lost opportunities, traumas, healing moments and a good time. I know that I have a life together and in that I've had a lot of milestones in my life with the markers and milestones of adulthood. I know that I had a bunch of graduations from programs. And I know that I don't get to have my independence and freedom in Mawita'mk Society in ways. Other ways I do because of certain workers.

I know that I had a few good times at Mawita'mk Society but they don't understand that I want my independence and freedom. But again the cost of living and gas prices are up. I'm single bachelor and had a lot of experience with women. But I'm not done with getting women. I want women in their 30s and know certain music. A generational knowledge of musicology and sciences.

Having someone my age is only complimentary. And it's kind enough because our sense of humor compliments each other. I know that I don't attract ladies in a colonial standard. I don't even attract in an Indigenous standard. I am not male beauty because I don't have features or qualities of an eligible bachelor. But I do enjoy my solitude and my entertainments in solitude. I do enjoy my freedom and personal liberty in my bedroom. I do know that no woman would enjoy me because I'm too ugly. Regarding how women react or talk about male beauty. I am nothing to any lady.

Yes I know past lovers but they didn't want me anymore. The loving passed and I couldn't really keep them because I don't have any male beauty. I know that I am still single and hadn't any relationship experience, multiple partners every night. And I don't have any blacklist contacts for booty calls.