This Kid's Potential

That's what I remember from my stepfather, the kid's potential is my goal type of thing. I know that I don't get to choose any foods I want or have the latest technology when I used to live in Eskasoni. But I know that under his reign I was shorten by several lifetimes to accomplish my schooling. They are half white and half native which means they got away with so much with the system. I know that they are my bad influence and good influence. 

They aren't that great at raising a Native kid. The Kid's Potential, yeah right I did not have my full potential realized.

"The kid's potential" is what they say when they are getting away with so much. Feeling that I was egged on and goated into so much. I know that I don't get any justice. I know that I was held back from family because they hated me. I was an Indigenous descendant nerd who wasn't actually their to abuse. Nobody feels bad for me.

Nobody feels bad for me because I had mixed moments of good and bad. I did not get to have any good influences without the bad influences. I know that I'm controlled emotionally and psychologically because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. By Vickie, Clyde and the workers I am not freed. I know that I don't get to choose my life because everyone that held me back wants me to accept this life. They are trying to make their world into my world. They don't care as long as I get subsumed and accept that fate. I want my independence and freedom to live my life without Mawita'mk Society.

I cannot exercised in vengeance so I won't be able to find any other motive more powerful than that. I know this because when I was traumatized I knew that I wanted vengeance. I don't see being healthy a reason. Train in vengeance is my only powerful way.

I might be able to see being healthy a good enough reason to exercise. I know that I have to rely on myself and work hard doing it. But I had the toughest emotions to get over and I know that I wasn't doing anything because I wanted to be healthy. I'm languishing at Mawita'mk Society because of bad influences always talking. I know that I couldn't get used of the idea of fitness. Accepting myself as average and having no special knowledge, I know some reading experience like its at the back of my hand. Like reading a dictionary.

I know some things with plumbing and building. I know some things with landscaping and recycling. I know things as a unofficial mechanic. I have books that could help me out. Adapters for plumbing are differently built in sizes. I know that I don't know anything about these support workers but they know everything about me. I feel like my stepfather could bring out motives in me.

My potential my stepfather was talking about was work. Multi-professional skills set and I know that I could make a good amount of money. I know that my life skills and chores that my stepfather gave me was about the job-related skills set that I could have. I cannot guarantee my work because I haven't worked. I know that I have been lifted from my depression and energized because I know that I want to do stuff. I know that I have been suicidal and everything. My defeats means my death.

It all depends on your treatment towards me. If you gonna treat me fragile and dependent, I will want to prove that I'm tough and independent. If you treatment like I don't know what I'm doing, I want to prove that I'm able to do anything. Rosie don't want me to work because I don't have a strong workethic for her. I haven't proven anything to her. And I know that I'm stuck.

There is no woman I want in my single life. Yeah I don't think that I'm an eligible bachelor because I am native. I don't have any job, house, full driver's license and car. I know that I don't have to deal with certain people. I feel like I was trapped by Billie Jean because she wanted me to be financially stuck. But shit happens and I have to deal with it. I don't get to live my life to the fullest. I do get to enjoy my life peacefully. But I know that I've done a lot in my time in We'koqma'q.

Well I want a few women but I cannot seem to get them. I know that I had opportunities but I don't get to choose my women. I know that I don't take initiatives because I was taught not to. I feel that I could learn how to read women by the Dr. John Gottman books. What I was missing out was their fears. And I know that I want that chick and this chick. But I know that I am nothing to the ladies because nobody wants me happy.

I'm not wanted anyways and I will never be because women won't admit what attracts them. Thankfully I have a smartphone and other things to keep me busy. My family won't help out with my dating scene. And my friends don't give a damn about me. Besides Mawita'mk Society won't allow me to go somewhere with a strange woman. I am bound where I'm at because I don't have anyone on my side. I know that I'm not allowed to have sex in my bedroom. And so far no woman told me that she wants me. And I don't have anything attractive for the ladies.

I know that I did not have any phone back then and I did not have any smartphone or iPhone. I was not spoiled with powers that come from graduating from high school. I was discriminated professionally from everyone in First Nation communities. I know that I did not have proper transportation.

I don't hold interesting conversations or have an interesting family. I know that I'm still looking for ways to outsmart people. But I know that I'm not well liked by most pretty ladies. If you go looking for the truth, you will find that most pretty women won't want me. I know that I'm not their type. And this mystery where I'm a type, I have no clue what they mean. I want to outgrow Mawita'mk Society and move back to my old hometown apartment.

If a woman offered me sex she would want me to say no. That's been my life ever since I got here. Plus I cannot get the old ladies off my back when it comes to dating. I know that I don't get to have a good time in my own bedroom. Nobody wants to talk about heterosexuality or sexuality anywhere. I know that I'm stuck where I'm at because I know that I don't get to enjoy sex. That is my punishment.

I'm 36 years old still being told what to do by support workers. I don't mean to criticize them like this but it's the only way. I've experienced Mawita'mk Society for twelve years and shown moderate success. I want to have an accomplished past. I cannot have different pretty ladies every night because I cannot even attract one in my life. It costs money which I don't have. Or either they aren't interested in me. I think I might have opportunities but they are unsure because I haven't asked them out.

I know that women wants me to say no because I'm small, weak and useless. I know that women wanted me to not have sex because that is my punishment. I know for a fact that they have phones and could communicate with each other. I know that I'm still that powerless over my situations. I know that because I hadn't any love interest, multiple partners or anything.

But Mawita'mk Society don't allow sex for their clients. They have to protect them the best way they can. And that way is to have us protected in ways of sexuality. I know that I don't get to choose my ladies because I would've had one already. But I got to put up with certain things until I can lose my weight, get my second transplant kidney, get my full driver's license and job in Eskasoni, car and a place of my own. I know that with certain ladies I have no problem. I am young and I get to enjoy their company. But these people here I have to take cautions and precautions to enjoy their presence.

I cannot because my stepfather knows I hate group homes. I don't like to depend on other people for help. I know a thing or two but I also know that my stepfather and family wants me to stay here. I feel like I'm trapped financially, emotionally, physically, volitionally, intellectually and mentally.

I don't have any choices because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I have multiple disabilities and my sisters wants me to admit that. But they have disabilities too. 

But they tell me that they aren't severe as mine is. They try to play down some of the things they have said. That I'm dumb or don't have any brain development to live my life. And in that I cannot until I let Mawita'mk Society help me out. It's funny how insulting Billie Jean has become. I know that I don't have any respectability from her and Katt.

Everyone seems to lost faith in my ability to take good care of myself. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts for booty calls. And I don't have any friends normal or useful for me. I know that I don't get to enjoy different women every night. And I don't get to live my life how I see fit or I would've had a job already. I know that I don't get to choose my goals because I'm diagnosed.

I don't get to choose my goals, ladies, food, medicine, car, driving time. I know that I'm stuck here because I don't get to choose anything. If I did I would've had my full driver's license by now. But I have to be patient and calm because the person that said she would help me with my driving goal has family-related things happening. I feel like I never was my own boss because I did not get to choose anything.

But I know that I have to workout in order to get in shape. I know that ladies get to choose their men and I know that I'm little to nowhere with that. I know that I'm still poor in that aspect. I am learning about relationships and romance, dating and courtship. I know that I don't have any income for anything. And dating cost money. I don't get to choose my job. Rosie is clear with that I have to keep staying away from work. Obviously I have no control over my job interviews.