What I've Lost and Gain Over the Years

What I've lost and gain over the years have made me realize I need a wife. My dark mind cannot be anywhere near my stepfather's and real father's level of darkness. I know that they haven't been able to reach me but I cannot beat my uncles', my fathers' and my aunties' level of darkness. I know that I couldn't really secure fidelity with a good woman because I don't know any. And if there was any good woman I don't think she would be a virgin. Most women are experienced and have Life experiences. They wouldn't care about my feelings because I never had any lover I want and need. Whatever I could provide for myself she cannot provide for but sex, intimacy and touching.

I don't need a woman financially. Finance just raises too many questions. And I cannot trust anyone because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. My trust has to be handled with care. I had my fair shares of women.

All the things I had I was taught to be pro-active. I know that I did not know anything about monogamous relationships. I'm learning and studying, hoping I have the strengths and powers to have a traditional relationship. Going out on dates and everything. I'm learning from Doctors like Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dr. Tara Bennett-Goleman and others. I know that I should be asking questions if I was aware of certain things. Money and sex could be an interesting subject for couples. Trust is an emotional safety hero. I have to use my emotional literacy with women. And I know emotional attunement through my sisters and brothers, friends and family.

I know that I have a lot of good role models now. I know that I have an accomplished past now. I know that I have my level of emotional maturity, life skills teaching, trade and high school education and training.

I'm a Certified driver. I just got to renew my Beginner's license and keep working until I get two licenses for taxi driving Certificate and training, and civilian driving. I hope that I could get a good mindset at achieving all these things and get my NSCC education experience in NSCC Plumbing Certificate program. Get my Red Seal papers in that and hopefully learn what I can with that. Once I get 8 years in I hope to go back to school and get my NSCC Pipe Trade diploma program and keep working. I know that I could choose between Plumbing, Steamfitting/Pipefitting and Sprinkler Systems technician.

I know that I have a lot of good memories in Mawita'mk Society. I've celebrated my birthdays and other residents' birthdays. Celebrated 12 years of my birthdays, holidays, Christmases and family birthdays and residents' birthdays. Had a few good walks this week.

Had a good life in We'koqma'q community where I've went on a helicopter. Where I've been through many different situations where I've gained something out of it. The taking or something. Depending on Mawita'mk Society's care now I hope that I could outgrow Mawita'mk Society and grow into a fully licensed driver since I'm a Certified driver. I could lower my insurance and do deliveries if I could get my two licenses. I know that I have my fair shares of women in my life. I am an experienced bachelor with a few accomplishments to my name.

I know that I want to drive on out of here once I'm at a comfortable level of employability, independence, education and training. I hope that I could get two cars and have a good two incomes for my own cars. I hope that I could get a good momentum going with NSCC Community College programs. And renew my Beginner's license through Access.

I know that I have my expired Beginner's license but I want to pass the Beginner's stage to Newly Licensed Driver or second stage of Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program. I know that I'll have two more stages to reach. I got that to live for. I still haven't met the love of my life. I still have that to live for. I haven't graduated from NSCC Community College programs or Cape Breton University programs. I hope that I could graduate from both of them. With a good career in Plumbing. 8 years on the job before I do get my second transplant kidney through fitness training.

I know that I have lifted weights today and I'm tired now. I'm glad that I got all these collections, options and opportunities. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for twelve years. I've celebrated birthdays, got to spend time with family and go out on outings like movies, pool halls and bowling.

I used to have some physical athleticism but I have some physical muscles to work from. I could practice more on my athleticism and keep working on my movements and lifting weights. I used to jump backflips and front flips. If I could get in shape enough to do that and keep using my athletic skills in my 30s until I can make it in my forties. That would be great. I used to have athleticism and walking endurance. I have started on my fitness training today. I hope that I could keep it up.

I know that I had a good restful sleep. I know that I had a good summer but my summer isn't over yet. I may not be able to go on vacation but I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society with things to do. At first when I first came here I had my bed on the floor. And I had nothing but old clothes to my name. I felt pretty run down and poor at first. But then I started to get stuff for staying here.

Those things I have are sentimental stuff for being here. I know that I have a lot of new  electronics and new clothes. I have my Playstation 4 console, my Playstation 2, my Xbox 360 gaming system. I have my Playstation Portable or PSP. I have a collection of PS2 video games. I have a good collection of Xbox 360 video games. I have a few PS4 video games. I have a good collection of dvds and cds. I have a really good collection of books, pdfs and eBooks. I have a small collection of audiobooks from Audible. I have a collection of sweaters hanging in my closet.

I know that I have a better life here in ways of needs, not wants. But in my own life in Eskasoni I could cover my needs and wants. But I would be beaten because of KJ Francis from Eskasoni. Kenneth John Francis is a bully of mine that don't have any mercy. I know that I don't have any respect in living.

I know that I don't have any rights and respect to live my life with my stuff. It seems that I have to explain everything because my enemies don't want to understand. I know that I don't get to choose my women, I don't get to choose my level of safety in Eskasoni. So I'm stuck here because my family refuse to help me out in Eskasoni. I know that if I was living in Eskasoni my family would make a big deal out of it. I cannot appeased anyone because I know that I just got to appease myself. I don't know how old Kenneth John is but he is an asshole who steals from me and beats me. Connie don't give a damn about me because she refuses to see KJ Francis as a motherfucking assaulter.

I got enemies in Eskasoni and I cannot seem to get them back. I always paid my enemies back because I know that they don't want me to think for myself. They use psychology to help them take what is mine.

I know that I don't ask for help and everyone wants me to rely on them for help. But they have insisted on me getting help from them. I know that's one of the reasons why I left Eskasoni. Because I would get assistance in spending my money and getting cable. I know that if I did wanted cable I would have a job and pay for it myself. But now I have paid cable with WiFi and food and medicine on a regular daily basis. I did not do nothing about it myself but accepted Mawita'mk Society's way in ways.

I know that I don't have any friends willing to help me out in romance or anything. Nobody wants to be seen with me. I know that I would be homeless, hungry and not thinking like a twenty year old or thinking my age. I know that people want me to keep explaining stuff because everyone wants me to give in. I know that I hadn't much thought about my own self holistically.

I know that people want me to have vengeance in mind while I live in Eskasoni. I know that if I had my own place with a good spot I would be able to enjoy myself. I could pay my own expenses but I know that my real father don't want me to consider my own expenses. He wants control financially over my life. I know that he doesn't care for me because he wouldn't be creating such stresses. I got trust issues and nobody has resolved anything. I got coping skills and I'm tough. I know that people want to have my women.

I know that I don't approve of my own family. I could masturbate and get laid but I don't want any romance. I feel like those people would tale advantages over my life. They have so far and I don't know how far they've taken it. It seems that they want me to be cancerous and toxic. I know that they want me to become cancerous and toxic.

They don't want me to have personal powers or self-control over my own life. I know that they have this kind of cultural ageism against me. And they don't know how to be a positive influence in my life. I know that they want to be good but they aren't because everyone wants to get away with everything. My life have been surrounded by criminals who knows stuff. But I have a lot of support here and I've therapized with Andrea Currie and had residual pain. So Mike MacInnis helped out. My uncle Dodo was a drunk most of his life, I was an on-again and off-again addict until I was twenty five.

I knew sobriety and I knew that I was a psycho-spiritual warrior who is on the Red Road. I know that I had a lot of good reasons to leave Eskasoni. One of them was that I wanted to learn what other people think about Eskasoni. Thanks to Mawita'mk Society I'd learned.

What I'd learned was that I was a nobody against somebody. An addict who had a small following of people who are against me. I know that certain age groups have certain controllability, influences and powers over how I could be with women. I know that I don't get to choose my women because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I feel that I'm not in the right personal belief system. I know that I don't know what is the right belief about myself. What is right belief system? What are my personal beliefs?

I've lost my kidney. I'd lost my independence and freedom when I'd lost my transplant kidney. I hope that I could have personal workethic, beliefs and feelings about the motivations of fitness training. I have a professional workethic, I want to get that check. But I need a personal workethic because I need to work on my personal fitness.

Small talks my real father is trying, I question that even because he hasn't earned any rights. I know that he doesn't want to feel bad because he doesn't want to do the emotional work of this family relationship. I know that he doesn't want to be the father I need but want. I don't need that because the father I want and need is in Chapel Island. He is the best father who stopped me from resentment. I know that I had to get back up and keep on working on my fitness.

Then again it's just small talks. He could ask questions about my finances for controlling purposes. I know that he has to handle me in every way sneaky and small talking. I have emotions relating to trust issues I have to handle. I cannot bring myself to trust this guy because he hasn't earn it emotionally speaking. But I have such emotional maturity that I could talk to the guy. And hopefully come to an understanding of boundaries.

He has walked the Red Road for weed. I know that I have to trust that. I'm on the Red Road and I've been walking this road with my stepfather. I know that I could trust him because he has been walking this road for years. I know that I have been sober for twelve years in my life. Complete sobriety in twelve years. I'd quitted cigarettes in 2013 and I was truly completed. Off the tobacco, weed and liquor. I've lost the emotional maturity with walking with two fathers on the Red Road. But I have the opportunity to build trust and emotional works of relationships with my stepfather, father and family.

I know that I have a good relationship with my stepfather because he has put the emotional works into it. He has earned my trust and faith. He still put emotional literacy, emotional attunement and other coping skills and teachings into it. I know that my stepfather allows me to talk freely.

I am his soldier and I know that he wouldn't put me into any strange or unusual situations. He goes by level of comfort and confidence. And he always make sure I am included in everything in my life, my mind and my health. My real father doesn't have a mentality of a trusting father. He has a more scheming mentality. My stepfather has been on the lookout for me since I could remember. I know that he has measures of controllability in my life where I trust him completely. I know that his control is good and positive. A level of trust with him and I could get a good conversation in with him.

I know that my real father doesn't have a clue how to earn my trust. There are books about relationships. Especially by Dr. John Gottman, that he could be reading. I know he wouldn't because he doesn't have any clue what to do with his child. He doesn't want to learn because be believes in a clinic control.

I know that I have trust issues that nobody wanted. If he wants a good relationship than he has to put efforts into buying books. He has the money. And I know that I don't want him touching my books.