My Choices, My Sanity in Question

I know that I have to be careful with my choices. I know that I have been learning which family doesn't want me and who might. I know that I don't attract the women I want because they are either professionals, taken or lost. I cannot touch women because I am that kind of creep to them. I know if I was handsome I would be jumped on. Especially since I could take really good care of myself. I know that men that don't need to worry about dating is nothing compared to the unluckiness I have. Thanks to Mawita'mk Society I really cannot take good care of myself. If I was rich, handsome and fitter I would have my life together with a good woman.

Since they know how to make things unappealing and uncomfortable. I know that I have to take progressive baby steps with Mawita'mk Society because I have no choices. I cannot move or be on my own.

I know that I'm working on losing weight and building muscles, I hope. I have a level of fitness and I want to get fitter than my level of physical body. I want to have something of a John Peter's style of bodybuilding. I want to take pictures that flatter me. But I have weights in my bedroom and have a stationary bike. And a bench too. I just got to use them like a routine. I have to build a fitness routine around my weights and curling bar, bench and stationary bike. I hope that I could get fitter and have my life motivated and determined to walk a lot more, to exercise a lot and to balance out my regular meals with fitness.

Accepting myself as an experienced bachelor with a level of education and employability I feel that I could get a good momentum going in Eskasoni. If I do move it would be change of scenery. And I wouldn't have to deal with pesky questions and stuff like that.

I know that I could have a better life if I went back home. I know that I have to be more careful when I'm in Eskasoni because I have nieces and nephews. I heard that men could spend years on Tinder dating app and still make do with what they have. Building on that premise I have to withdraw my previous rants and mistakes. I was under the misapprehensions that people could get laid right off the bat on these apps. I know that I'm still learning that isn't true. They spend hours and hours on the apps. Trying to make it better each year.

Thanks to fitness I could work on my physical body fitness training and build a good body up for the ladies. I know that I need a walking buddy and a fitness buddy. I know that if I could treat a good woman rightly I would. But apparently I'm too damn ugly and generous. I cannot have anything good. Other than my collection of electronics and technology, DVDs and cds, books, encyclopedias, PDFs, eBooks, magazines, comic books, dictionaries, articles, and things to listen to like music and audiobooks. 

DVDs and cds and other collectible. All that mental garbage where I have to take out is something. Depending upon how I felt I know that I was given something in discriminations. Everything I've done I've done in name of family. I did not have any teen sex in ways. I know that I wasn't that attractive because I did not have any opportunity, smartphone, car, full driver's license and job. That'll be my goal, to get my fitness, car, full driver's license and job.

I know that if I do move back home I would be an extra hand for the kids. I know that I have to take it slowly and go visiting with them for every couple of months. I know that I have everything here; all my stuff is here and I know that I've accomplished enough stuff to hang my credentials up. I hope that I could just visit for now because I've been happy where I am at. I know that I want to move but my uncle won't let me.

I know that I don't have my own house because I have to build my own house. What I earn is my freedom and independence to choose who is in my life. I know that I'd chosen to move out of Eskasoni and took progressive baby steps with Mawita'mk Society. I know that now I have to focus on my own health and balance out my emotional attachment to food. I was discriminated in so many ways that everyone wanted to scheme off of me. But I had honest dysfunctional friends who wanted me to I've healthily. Now my newfound faith in God and Him wanting my fitness. This is my sign to work on my physical fitness. I have women to work out for, to be on the transplant kidney list and to better my body, to have the Lord giving me a sign to work on my physical fitness.

I am a dysfunctional friend too. I am learning about pdfs and hypersexuality. I am learning about addictions in all its forms.

Fear creates so many perceptual distortion. I know that's because I've experienced certain things in my life. I know that I don't want to be dominated. I know that I don't want to be something of a criminal. I know that I have to work towards being an ambivert. And balance myself out. I know that I have to work and exercise. I know that I have been through mad different stages in my life with being an off-again and on-again addict. I know that I have been learning about Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, how to teach life skills and survival skills. And Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I want to have a small patio gym at that 74th street apartment. I want to have a laundry and gym garage, and gym and lounge patio. Eventually I will have my own place. Eventually I will get my full driver's license and car. Eventually I will get my BA degree and job. I know that I want to work on my fitness first. And become the fittest here.

But if my sisters do get that house and I do get invited to live with them. I hope that I could get my own place eventually. I will take progressive baby steps with them until I can get my own place. It takes courage to move back home. Especially with the level of education and employability I got, We'koqma'q and Eskasoni has both different merits. I know that We'koqma'q is more peaceful and I know that I miss living in Eskasoni on my own. Even though my sisters don't believe in my ability to take care of myself.

I know that I would be with friends and family. I know that I will eventually move back into my old apartment in 74th street, Horseshoe Drive. I got plans for that apartment and I hope that I could get my cousin Bernice helping me write a proposal for Eskasoni Band Office to build a patio in that area. I got a lot accomplished.

I got a level of education and employability I could use in the community. And I know that I could increase my level of education and employability with Cape Breton University. I know that I want to learn everything I need to, to sign up for disability and part-time employment. I know that I have been advised to tread lightly and be careful. I know that I could write some kind of proposal for working part time and get disability. My sister Billie Jean is a whuss and don't like me independent because she believes in my failures and rides heavy on the criticism that I'm incompetent.

I know that my sanity has been I'm question before. I know that I have been healthy with Mawita'mk Society and taking responsibility and progressive baby steps with them. I have been with a level of education and employability I could use in Eskasoni. I know that I am educated and trained.

From a mental health perspective I am healthy. And I know keeping up with routine is important. But I know that I would be more active in Eskasoni. I know that I need to work on my physical fitness in order to balance out my regular meals at Mawita'mk Society. But I know that I have been living here for twelve years and reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society for twelve years kind of made me spoiled. I used to have DVD players and VCR players. I still do but I need to get my fitness in order to balance out my regular meals with Mawita'mk Society. And I need to get HMDI adapter for my Magnavox compact DVD player and VCR player. And an adapter for my Playstation 1 and Playstation 2.

I know that will be an enrichment in my life to have those two adapters in my life. I have a stereo with modes and radio. I know that I want to make plans for my old apartment in Eskasoni. I know that I was insane for a while.

Now I know that I have been working on my fitness. I've been walking and hopefully, I can make it a routine. I know that I have been working out through walking. I am learning to walk for health purpose. I just have to make a routine our of walking and lifting weights during the day. I know that I'm happy where I'm at because I have a good thing going. I know that I'm happy because of tea and cookies at dialysis. Everything seem to get better here and I know that I have been living here for twelve years and reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society. My choices are based on my sanity in question.

I know that my sisters don't trust me making a good home. But if I could focus on my physical fitness while I earn a good living. That could become something good, especially when I know that I have my sisters living there. I know that I have to work at my physical fitness.

I hope that I could get Star Trek: Picard season one and season two. It's cheaper on Amazon and I know that I could continue with purchasing every birthday, Star Trek: Picard season three and four and five and however many there is. I know that I have a good life at Mawita'mk Society but I know that I want to live back in my hometown. I know that I have enemies that want my house. And I have more rights than the Morrison. They have no stake in it. I know that they want me to give up the house.

I know that I have to wait for my sisters to move in. Feeling very appreciative for Mawita'mk Society and how my life has turned out. I am happy how my life turned out because I have a level of education and employability to use while I live in Eskasoni if that is the choice. I know that I don't get any chance to move back home because of my step family.

I know that I care and love them but they could be crooked as hell. I know that they are rip-off artists and have that kind of generational knowledge to fuck things up. I know that my choices are based on their questions of my sanity. I was mostly mental throughout my life, according to my half-blooded princess sister. 

She has put up with so much and so have my other sisters. I know that I'm still looking for ways to outgrow Mawita'mk Society and family. That is my goal of independence; to outgrow Mawita'mk Society and family. I hope that I could outgrow Mawita'mk Society and family because I don't want to be stuck here.

I know that I have been living here for twelve years and reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society with a level of education and employability, I felt to finish programs I've started. I know that I wasn't given any breaks because everyone was trying to make my life harder. Then there was those who wanted to alleviate my sufferings. I know that I have been living here for twelve years and reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society for a level of education and employability I got now. I know that I could get a job in my hometown. 

The complexities of the nature in choices in manipulations in hands, intelligence, independence and freedom. Freedom came with a price and I couldn't really have those choices because they made me feel like I don't have any choices. Like I said my choices depends on how well I take care of my health and mental health. I have no such luxury because I'm helpless in ways of wanting to be told. I wasn't given that emotional attunement in my life. 

I haven't fallen in love with anyone yet. It's a good thing to explore my options. I know that I had my fair shares of rejection and my fair shares of women. And I know that I have a toughen skin. I know that I love and care but I don't want to be stuck. I know that I've never been stuck before. My stepfather had a creative, opportunistic quality of having escapism and escapology to him. I know that I have been learning love and loyalty through family.

Those dynamics of relationships and my emotional literacy. I know that I have escaped many times and I sorely wanted to settle. But I needed to feel something and my cousin Bernice has helped our many times. Clearing my mind of mental garbage and settling issues. 

Here at Christmas it's the warmest, comfiest and happiest place to be with me visiting family and having meals. I leave this place with a good terms of level of education and employability where I could have a job and a good full driver's license. I know that I am happy, warm, and proud to be something with a cultural respect v. Ageism. They've made hell of a place in We'koqma'q community. And slowly I'm growing to accept their ways.

Even though in my hometown there is respect of independence quality with each other. I know that old respect is oscillating. And I have to make moves that help me. I am generous and I don't want to be. I am compassionate and I don't want to be. I am strong and I have to be. I know that I am comforted by my bedroom because of all my things, stuff and items. I know that I'm comfortable here because I have regular three meals a day. And I know that I'm safest here. 

I don't have a woman because I didn't have any opportunities, freedom, choices, smartphone, tablet, employment, level of education and employability, independence and full driver's license. I know this because it's been twelve years of my life in We'koqma'q community and still I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics. I have no choices in women and I know that I don't attract the women I want. 

I could be a skilled exceptional martial artist with a great deal of knowledge in mental health and balancing out my life. I have books about mental health and techniques, coping skills and cultural knowledge in mental health. Also I was bred and raised to recognize addictions in all its forms, hypersexuality, hyper electronic technology and psychological and chemical. And street drugs. You cannot recognize the symptoms then you know the difference. 

I could specialize in BA studies with majoring in psychology and addictions. And become accredited through my stepfather. I know that I have been seen as the lesser thing in the family. And I know that I wasn't taught to use my own brain. I used to talk about the foundation my biological mother's knowledge has reached in my life. And I know that I've been suffering before but I know that redemptive works of psychology is hard. 

My upbringing had training in job-related life skills like landscaping, building, installing, assembling. Basically carpentry and landscaping. And I have some experience with plumbing service. I was something of a good friend/butler with Rob Shipley. But I know that I was losing my sanity again. I knew that it was natural and I did not have any mental strength to get through this alone.

I could provide a little extra cash when I was working the pop bottles. And now I have training in general construction knowledge like carpentry, plumbing, cleaning, electrical and welding. I knew to keep an organized clean work space.