To This World I'm Unimportant (Bullies)

Bullies have relationships, friendships and family. They have all that they need to fight for their values and beliefs. But bullies prey on the weak and vulnerable. What I say that what we were, we were warriors. We have fought people that have threatened and intimidated us. I ran with the wolves and got my life back. So I thought we were warriors. I could learn hatred and relearn love. I have as a child addict in Eskasoni. I have learned comraderie with that hatred and anger. I have learned Indian Residential School stuff and to hate outsiders. I felt that I was part of my Indigenous descendant level of culture and traditions. I knew that the bullies that strategized and thought of ways to torment. We were the whipping belt of our so called enemies.

I needed a target because I was physically abused. I did not want to develop personally with mental health coping skills books.
The way I used to think I thought that I was stuck. Now I fear that I'm more stuck than ever but have coping skills and mental health knowledge that I could benefit. My uncle Dodo was my adult tormentor and I knew that I didn't have any tools, justice and knowledge to help me out back then. I never learned self-control or self-defense. I was taught the traps of my mental health providers. And I did not get my coffee.

I'd learned beatdowns could be a good motivator for hatred and anger. I knew that I wanted vengeance, the cycle was not given but I stopped it. Having my life as a experienced traditional bachelor with a level of education and employability now. I know that I was fucked up and yes, I was a child addict bully who had been addictive darkness in him. I didn't know coping, mental health, forgiveness, acceptance. I did not know how this young kid who started out innocently!

This innocent young Indigenous nerd who wanted to learn how they could spend their lives in Eskasoni. I'd learned words like Hong Konging, fight, hate and anger. I did not have much with most of my fights and bullying. What is bullying when you bully back? What is it that strikes fear in my bullies(enemies) when they turned into dysfunctional friends? I started out sober, innocent and religious. My mother wanted me to be a family person. I learned this from the community. I do know that my full-blooded brother came by and saved me by getting me back home when I was off doing shit.

My stepfather put up with my shit for so long that I never got any chance to say thank you when I was recovering from my inhalant addiction. But after he mentioned and I thanked him. I was the talk of the town but I did not know what people were saying. Addiction was Addiction and I wanted out.

So I bit the nail and went and told my stepfather and biological mother that I was sniffing gas. People struggled with this concept of forgiveness because they were addicted. Dying to live again and to have my life better. That's all I really knew I wanted my life better. To this world I'm unimportant and I believed that I was a warrior because I was delusional. Somehow in my life in Eskasoni I was an off-again and on-again addict learning to forgive himself. To learn strengths, powers, knowledge and skills. I'd learned a lot over the years and tried many things in my life.

Through all this my step uncle was my tormentor. And I knew that I needed guidance and culture. So I was sent to certain cultural support workers who had helped me greatly. I was learning what it took to walk in Eskasoni. I knew that I had hustled and walked with confidence. I went Eskasoni Rehab for NA and AA. And I went to Clark and Mike's.

I used to bully with my friends and shared drinks and cigarettes. I quitted smoking up, I quitted smoking cigarettes, I quitted sniffing gas and drinking. I was just a kid who had to deal with adult situations. And now I'm sober for twelve years and reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society. I know that I feel bad about what had happened. I've betrayed without knowing the consequences of my actions. And learned that I had to learn about acceptance, Mindfulness and distress tolerance.

I wanted to be a sportsman in Eskasoni. I wanted to box, do martial arts, train for basketball and baseball. I haven't meant real business in a long time. And I didn't make a habit of physical fitness until I met my blood cousins, Jown uncles and Syliboy aunts and Jown aunts and Syliboy uncles. I had family and the right community members put me back into sanity, on the right path and living.

I could think that I need to cover all my needs for muscles and regular meals. But I was never in competition with anyone. I wanted to live my life regularly thriving. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics but I have a level of education and employability with life skills teachings and mental health knowledge. Epistemologically I'm curious but philosophically inclined to take the easy steps.

But my mother always said I could do anything I want if I apply my mind to it. Having women that want their lessons to stick, I feel like I'm unglued because of cruelty and in that the psychological correct thinking, feeling and acting is something that I have to grasp. I know Mawita'mk Society's level, depth and calibre for professional care. They could be trusted, believed and depended on.

I know that I have an excellent, experienced and sometimes novice people at Mawita'mk Society. Learning, experiencing and knowing my options, choices and opportunities. I know that I have to become someone significant in ways of being integral component of the community. From rags to riches I feel that I do have something to contribute to the community. It seems the more I do the more I get. But I haven't been disciplined on my own. I always thought that I could finish later. I took on Mawita'mk Society and Mawita'mk Society trusted me to be responsible person in their home.

When I first move here they've welcomed me with warm arms and a open heart. I had been accepted before and I know what it's like. They have provided a home and level, depth and calibre for professional care. The range that they could reach for extreme professional care is amazing.

They've provided life skills recognition in me, give me leeway and range, level, depth and calibre for professional care. And provide how a vehicle in my life could impact my life. I've gotten my Eskasoni Rehab training done, I got my ALP diploma, I got my trade and We'koqma'q Adult Essential Skills Enhancement Program. And finished couple programs over the years I've been here. And one of them was Unama'ki Driving School from Eskasoni. I know that I have a level, richness and couple of credentials from different programs in the community, from hometown, online and from community College programs.

I know that I'm a Certified Skilled Tradesman with a expired Beginner's license and Unama'ki Driving Certificate. I feel that I have a rich educational experience, knowledge and skills in my life. And bullying isn't what I wanted as a lifelong journey.

I'm happy that I get three meals a day but being here is professional care. Not personal self care. I have to develop a heart for my own health information. I know that I want to give my hometown a chance but Mawita'mk Society is telling me that it's not safe. There have been killings in Eskasoni because of petty things. I feel like I'm rich in ways because I have a safe home, a small job history I want to keep, a level of education and employability in my life. Why bully if we have all this richness in culture of mental health, native tradition, Christmas, faith, family, friends and history?

I know that I have to live my life outside of Eskasoni. Watching, listening and reading how they are on the news and Facebook. I know that I have been living here for twelve years and reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society. I came here relatively experienced in a small way with jobs, odd jobs, pop bottles.

The power of a place can be based in the range and depth, level and calibre in love and care. The family, the friends and Mawita'mk Society is an integral components to my human condition. The idea of philosophy based on love, safe spaces and stigma-free environment. I feel truly blessed with the richness of such plentifulness in flourishing love and care. I am safe and sound and have a home that I could settle in. Feeling that it would take a while for forgiveness and acceptance. I feel lucky to feel safe and warm, happy and healthy.

They fulfill their goals, roles and responsibilities of being a professional grade support workers. They could use that CCA course with Futureworx that Shauna is taking. I know that Futureworx had a list of courses to take and now they are primarily a CCA course. They had CCA and Custodial Technician training courses.

I know that I have been living with such strength and power of a place. Such richness, soulfulness and spirituality. Such culture, Tradition and heritage. This was passed down to me to live in from Rosie's mom, Margaret(Maugit). I love this place because it's a historic place that has Indian Residential School legacy all over it. Healing, recovery, living and sober productivity. That's what this place represents. That's what Eskasoni Rehab means to me, a place of welcome and home. And to be together with Mawita'mk residents who are willing to help out with the chores.

Ever since my stepfather found out that I was learning addiction. He was determined to teach me mental health knowledge and traditional practices. My life from above my high was that I was a child learning that I'm valuable, important, cared for and assisted(work with).

I have choices and I don't want to critique Mawita'mk Society in a negative way but in a loving, strong and excellent support system service way. I don't trust that easily because I'm damned, forgotten and weak. But with Mawita'mk I could work at my fitness, mental health knowledge and traditional practices. I know that I cannot manage my own life in Eskasoni because the workload is too much. Feeling freed from the intergenerational traumatic cycle I know that I want to be this personally fit person with Mawita'mk Society.

My tormentors have control over me. And they patrol carefully what move, action or thing I will say. My tormentors and the people that care for me watch or patrol me, they are similar in ways of patrolling or watching. Patrolling has a supervigilance. And watching has respect to it. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society earning my respect.

There is a difference in controlling(bullying and forcing) and management( respected handling of situations and proper support). I know that I have to go dark and live my life like that because I'm nothing but a nerd. I know that I have been through hell's lenses of living. I had that hellish perception of life and see the hatred that the bullies have seen. But my family wanted me to take the hatred our of my heart. And become blind and oblivious to them. They don't know how to live with the truths of my past in open space. They have taught me no strength but faith in the Lord.

But my stepfather taught me the correct way of learning, experiencing and choosing. I've seen that old hatred shrink into a small thing. A benign tumor that is breathing. And then one day disappear. Everyone wants that fucked up belief of not talking bad about the death because they don't want anything to come up. Forgiveness is key. 

Eskasoni hates each other and bullies each other. I know that from experience that I had over the course of my growing up. Feeling that I've had challenging times in Eskasoni I know that everyone has their story. I feel that I had the right people in my life to stop me from being a careered criminal bully.