My Stepfather's Peace

My stepfather's peace is important to me because Billy Morrison have been my father, role model, dialysis Technician and teacher of Trades since day one. He has been my access to technology, a child to my heart, good boss, guide and emotional, mental and spiritual support. He has nourished me and kept me active. He has been a constant in my life that guided, counciled and counseled, taught and gave examples through movies and entertainment why I should care for my lineage. He has reconciled my past with the present by hashing out my issues. And been something of an unconditional love father with compassion, empathy and sensitivity.

He has been my protector, food-giver, candy-source and money giver. He has been a way of spending energy and keeping focus. He has been my source of strength and power. He has exercised restraint and wisdom. He has been teaching from experience.

But I wasn't the ideal child. I was a child addict then sober, a teen addict then sober for a little while, a addict in my early twenties and now sober. In fact this is the longest I've been sober. 12 years and counting, I have been emotionally sober and productive. I have been a productive member of this community since I got here. But I am on dialysis and my stepfather wants me to get back into walking and lifting weights again. My father never gave up when I was recovering from my addictions. I was taught not to give up but I know that I was on my own for 7-8 years.

I used to do stuff for social reasons. To meet and greet and to have my life motivated by these things. I used to be social until everyone shitted on me. I would smoke for personal and social reasons. That's what kept the addictions going in Eskasoni. Now I just got to stay healthy.

I know that Vickie bullies me into feeling depressed and sadden. She don't like me independent, thriving or going with the flow. She wants me to fight her and earn my respect from her. I don't have to but she doesn't seems to let up. She did something tonight with my mind. She is a bully, she bullies you into feeling down, low and sadden. I've dealt with her for a few years and I hadn't anything good to say about her. She and Clyde bullied me into telling them everything about my past. Vickie is a rude bully and a cruel chronic downer.

That is Mawita'mk Society's only downfall. Letting Vickie bully me and get away with it. It's criminal that she doesn't get reprimanded for stuff like this. I don't care because there are people here that do care. And they want me to get in shape. With the losses I've endured and Vickie I feel like Mawita'mk Society's support is useless.

That is Vickie's power to bring people down and tear their ears off. She finds excuses after excuses to bully me. And she doesn't have any compunction for me. Nor Clyde. Clyde and Vickie are bullies, that's why they get along with each other. I used to be a bully but I'd learned the pacifist's way of things. I know that Rosie don't want to protect me from these two. She blames men for all her troubles when in fact she never had any experience with them so she says. She bullies, lies and cheats you out of your good feelings. She tries to find meaning in everything.

That is Mawita'mk Society's only downfall. Bullies that they call friction. I know that I have put up with a lot. And I know that I don't have any friends here. I know that friends help out, even dysfunctional friends. I feel that I could be busy with working out. My stepfather taught me to accept all personality.

Even with diagnosed bipolar disorder. I accept her but she wants to rule this place with an iron fist. She wants to tell everyone what to think and believe. Everyone wants peace but sometimes bipolar wants to feel sad. I know that I'm learning from Rosie to accept all personalities. Well I'd learnt that in Eskasoni. I know that everyone wants to be happy but Vickie just wants to bring down. I know that Clyde, it depends on his moods too. I'm in a whirlwind of emotional creatures. Anyone could hide and trick anyone here.

I know that I have to be open-minded, accepting personality characteristics and other stuff. I know that bad moods will pass and I hope that Vickie could enjoy her apartment. I hope for many things and I know that I have to live my life according to Billy Morrison, stop the resentment and hate. And based my approach on love and compassion. Because I don't know what the story is.

The joy of video games, watching TV and playing other games. That's what I want Vickie to understand. The joy of learning how to cope, of the moment and to accept her pain and let go. I hope that she could because I've been happy for twelve years in Mawita'mk Society without her. I know that I could get my life together with a second transplant kidney and then get my full driver's license and BA degree. I hope that I could have betterments like that with muscular physical fitness in my way. And get back my walking endurance. I hope that I could take these progressive baby steps with Mawita'mk Society and family. And have my life good in that way.

I hope that I survive long enough to have a second transplant kidney, have my muscular physical fitness, have my walking endurance back up, to then get my full driver's license and BA degree.

How discriminations work is like a sticky substance. It's all over you, your reputation and memories. Well with me anyways, my step uncle worked on me since I was a child. And I couldn't really defend myself. Originally I have learned about job-related life skills and degrees. But I know that work discrimination has been a big part of my life. I know that happy working isn't my thing. I know that I have to get my fistula.

The pros with it. I could take showers because it heals. And I know that I don't have to worry about blood infection or I'll have more chances at closing my fistula up. Once I'm done with dialysis I could cover it with bandages and wait until my fistula heals that I could take showers. Instead of an open wound to my heart I could have a fistula on my arm. And once it closes I could have a shower. The next day usually. I could go swimming.

I know that a creative spirit and a sense of fashion surviving is my Aunt Georgina, my Grammy Jessie Denny and my teacher from Home Economics. I know that I have to do something with my Mawita'mk Work Program. I know dresses, men's native fashion and regalia and jingle dresses from my aunt Georgina, from my teacher and my grammy. I know a little sewing from my teacher from home economics could inspired a sense of fashion in my own suits, shirts and pants. She and my aunt Georgina has created in me a sense of fashion that I could explore. My suits I wanted to create for a fashion show.

My stepfather's peace has been awed and glad that I'm doing fashion at a young age. My Grammy has taught me strength, grace, inner beauty, self love and self respect. And how to say the prayers in Mi'kmaq and to be together with family.

And how to dress for church, how to have a sense of workethic, fashion and pride in my looks. She has taught me to be inspired for the tailor business, so did the teacher and my aunt Georgina had connections. I know that I wanted my own tailor business because of my aunt Georgina. I wanted my own tailor and native men's fashion. My stepfather had a sense of fashion but I know that I had a hobbie. I had a really good support system. And a good fashionable family.

My education was from family, right community members, schools and other people. My life had chances to live this life with a good tailor business with my aunt Georgina who is my Grammy's sister. I know that I have learned the importance of hard work and a good sense of fashion from my Paq'tnkek family and Eskasoni Doucette family. My Jown family that I have learnt from and learned a sense of duty.

I have been living in Eskasoni 25 years altogether and had been accepted into the community. People helped out with ingratiating me into the community. And slowly getting me jobs over the years I've been there. But I was bullied and beaten down. I was a nerd that never had any rich opportunities and have any formal training in sports. Or had any formal training in fitness and exercises. Except TV and Eskasoni Fitness Center. Feeling out suicide has been part of my past and I know that I have been wake in my nightmarish voices. The prejudice I'd had to deal with. And the steps necessary to take for a new life.

I know that my stepfather's peace is serving me a good deal of journalling. I know that I am happy and so is my family. Mawita'mk Society has served as a unique support and help in understanding myself. Originally from Eskasoni I know that I have been diplomatic.

But I'd suffered there and had been through so much traumas over the years I'd live there, my whole life had been about mindfulness and distress tolerance and acceptance. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics but I have a level of education and employability. So I could get a good job to keep me busy. And I could pay for my own Eskasoni Fitness membership. I'd lived by myself and it's much harder to live by myself in Eskasoni because I am an nerdy little pacifist that don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics. Or have strengths or connections to jobs. Or favors or beauty for ladies to come after.

That's because I did not have any smartphone or cellphone or flip phone. I had a homephone in one apartment. But I never was independent with a phone. I'm in my thirties and I should be able to pay for a iPhone on my own. I have a smartphone.

I should have built up my credit with phone companies and have experiences with phone companies. I know that I had Bell experience and I know that I don't get to choose what I use. But I know that I'm good now. And I just got to keep up with my pay-as-you-go Public Mobile company. I know that my sister has put me in debt and nobody wants me to do anything about it. It's like a financial punishment and I know that I don't have any good credit. It's going to pop up when I'm financially responsible for something. And I feel that my sister owes me.

But I have to have trust in the process that she would pay for the phone bill she ignored. I know that I'm on another company but I still got contract with Bell Mobility. And because of my sister I have a bad reputation of being a unpaying person. I know that I don't have any income or job. Rosie doesn't want me to, and I have to focus on my health while I suffer.

While I suffer grief from my three grandmothers who have passed all this year. And the financial debt I have. And now I think I'm reacting from social situations that I had and never caught a break. I have a lot of losses and without the common sense, wisdom and guidance of my matriarchs. I feel that I have to use my common sense, experience, knowledge and tradition. Maugit reminded me of that and I knew her from rides. I know that I will miss my matriarchs and I know that I have family to rely on. Especially since I am the terrible child.

I knew her for twelve years living here. Every once in a while visiting her. I feel lost and stuck. I know that I love and care but I want to cry and I know that I used to have complicated grief. It lasted two decades and a millennium. I know that I want to have everything I need to live longer on this earth. I'm 37 years old and good.

I used to be a fighter and bully back kind of guy. I know that I was learning to fight but I wanted to be peaceful. Learning mental health knowledge and skills. I know that I was introduced to a better choice of quality of life in Eskasoni. But I was beatdown while I learned a pacifist's way of things. Maybe I could recommend good mental health knowledge and throw away those mental garbage I held on. I know that I had dysfunctional friends who wanted to help out with verbal Judo and bullying back.

My stepfather has been through so much with me. I know that I love that guy and his honesty to sense of humor. I feel rich with a personal history with that guy. I know that I have a rich personal history with Eskasoni, Paq'tnkek and Chapel Island. I know now that I have a rich personal history with We'koqma'q community. Growing up in these places and having my independence.

I'm happy where I'm at and I know that if I work with Mawita'mk Society, to take progressive baby steps with them and to work on my six goals. I know that I could work on my fitness and other goals to up my level of independence with Mawita'mk Society. I know that I could learn to work with Mawita'mk Society to work on my medicine wheel goals and my six goals. I feel like I have a rich quality of life because I have Mawita'mk Society at my side. I know that I want to stay here until I can get my six goals.

That being my fitness, second transplant kidney, full driver's license, job and car. I have faced bullies in my time. And worked a job as Mawita'mk Society worked at my side. They are a perfect and ideal place of a support workers system. And a good support system in We'koqma'q community. I feel that I have been learning about opportunities in We'koqma'q community.