The Struggles of Positive Thoughts

I used to be able to focus and concentrate on positive thoughts. I know that was my powers and way of problem solving, deduction and intelligence. I know that I had a happy disposition or calm thinking. People got sick and tired of that. And start to bully me. People get easily sick and tired, it's easier to find insanity and addictions instead of happy disposition. I know that my cousin have introduced me to weed and other drugs. I know that I had to struggle and be less happy.

I wasn't delusional but rather solving problems. I feel that I had my life in solutions and answers. I know that kind of thinking. My stepfather fostered that kind of thinking. I caught on early where he is. And I know that I was forgiven, have forgived and been forgiven. I know that I accepted and had that kind of self love. My mother had taught me inner beauty.

And addictions have attracted the wrong crowd. I know that my thought processes have changed and I know that I didn't have my power anymore. But I think I could get that kind of power back. The deductionism and rational mind of positivity. I know that I had a lot going for me. Nobody wanted me to do anything about addictions in the community and my hometown. Ruined couple of Christmases. But I eventually sobered up. I've been bullied and I had to bully back. That didn't work out for me after I had my first transplant kidney.

But some things could stay and others can go. Like trauma-related stuff. Hopefully I can work on my six goals:  1. get to work on fitness, 2. Get my second transplant kidney, 3. Get my full driver's license, 4. Get a job, 5. Get my BA degree, 6. Get my own car. I know that I have a good time at Mawita'mk Work Center.

The Mawita'mk staff are conditioning and training me in cooking, food preparation and readiness(layout) and baking. I know that I am getting into routine with Mawita'mk Society. Learning the recipes of specialty diets. Being a food preparer and hopefully graduating to cook is something that I am working towards. I'm finding stuff to do physically to use my muscles in a consistent way. With the Mawita'mk Work Program I'm learning food preparation, readiness, cooking temperatures and time, recipes and grocery shopping. And a good deal of food love.

Learning ingredients are groceries and learning the importance of a grocery list from ingredients. I know that I'm learning price-checking, label-reading and shopping list. The struggles of positivity is that I miss the old ways. I was a child addict but I had a good power of positivity. A rational positive mind of traditional wisdom philosophy.

My harsh reality is what I'd learned from my cousins or dysfunctional friends. I'd learned the words like mental health, coping skills from Eskasoni Rehab, from family members and from community members. I had to move out of Eskasoni because of criminal bullying. But at Mawita'mk Work Center we are building a reputation and having business located at our new location. It's full of energy, motivation and vigor. The friends I went bullying with was simply aggressive. I know that they have befriended me.

How I enjoyed over the years celebrating my birthdays here, holidays and spending Christmas with my family. Mawita'mk Society is a good charitable organization and Ni'kinen house is a good group home. I've been thinking about relationships and I came to know that I wouldn't have taken care of my own kid, let alone another one. People here are pained.

So I have to take that into account. I know that I could do sanitation and recycling at Mawita'mk Society. It would mean I would have the money. Hell I could keep active and get money for my job titles. I know that everything is paid for here: birthday presents and Christmas presents, clothes, food and medicine. Electricity, WiFi, homephome and plumbing stuff. I could order stuff off the Internet and it would be safe and sound at Mawita'mk Society's Ni'kinen house. Thankfully I have ordered stuff off of the internet and things were safe.

I know that I could get paid for all the job titles I have because I could be active and productive with Mawita'mk Society, have my physical conditioning in work and exercise my muscles for cooking, cleaning, building and other activities I know that I could do. I know that I had my own writing endurance.

I know that I'm languishing at Mawita'mk Society and I get tired because of my dialysis. Everything I've done in my twenties I don't think I could repeat. I'm losing the mentality of effort, effective willpower and strong workethic. The mind could do much in connecting the mindset with the physical fitness. I had exercised and eat before, I just need to work on my physical fitness. The psycho-spirituality of strength, collaboration and independent thought is what I had. That is my old teachings. To free myself from others and to do what I always did. Freedom is to act in what I wish and I wish for discipline, strength, power of positive thinking and switched myself in go-mode.

I was work-oriented when I recovered as a child addict. I knew that my first purchase was a Walkman. And my second purchase was a stereo or radio. And my third purchase was a wallet.

My first purchase while I lived in 74 Street was a Walkman. When we moved back in 1991 I did what I could to get a stereo/radio. And when Zeller's was opened I had money from jobs I did with my stepfather and bought a good leather wallet with 9 slots. I'm happy that I have these experiences because long ago I was taught the value of money. I know that I wasn't the ideal child of Eskasoni. But I incurred wrath from genuine hatred and anger. I know that I hadn't the spirit of Eskasoni in perspective because there was too much hatred and anger. Intellectualize this Intergenerational cycle and it seems interesting.

My battles and fights and bullying back. That took some initiative to start something. Especially with my older brother and our friends. We had to learn our friends the hard way sometimes. And other times it was a truce then diplomacy or friendship they offer.

Life has something to offer if you are in the right community. Growing up in Eskasoni I never had any job experiences in my younger years with the system. My stepfather never really wanted me in his job environment. I felt like I was unwanted but I know that he is a cheap bastard. Especially when he gives because I owed him a lot. I don't have any businesses, trade business, cleaning business or any jobs in the system. But I do know that I have these jobs with Mawita'mk Society, learning respect and responsibility in these jobs.

I know that's how he cheats on his wife, through his job. I understand that he is more sexier than me and I know that brown isn't pretty. I was taught that at a young age with the Morrison and I know that I was learning my value in this dating market, my value and significance in the job market and my value in family. I am less than the usual people. Growing accustomed to living alone I know people don't want me to think of things.

Well think of things like that. I was deprived of certain rights and respect. I know that I never was given any opportunities in Eskasoni because my stepfather wouldn't do what was necessary to secure food or something in my time of need. I know that I wasn't the ideal child but I know that everyone has their story and I cannot place blames because that's a cowardly way of doing stuff. I know that I have to keep trucking on and live my life without my step uncles. They have guided me over the years of how I should interpret, understand and comprehend.

I know that they have been essential in my upbringing. Thanks to Mawita'mk Society I have a good home and in that I have to focus on my physical fitness. Feeling motivated and determined I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for twelve long years and got my level of education and employability.

Feeling like I could get pretty good job in Eskasoni but the dangers outweigh the want for moving back home. The safety here outweighs the want to move back apparently. 

I know that I don't have my own business or company in any industry. And I don't have any accomplishments that would make me something. A exceptional fighter well trained in martial arts, boxing, mixed martial arts, or wrestling. Or a exceptional basketball player who has been well trained. I never was given any opportunities in Eskasoni because of my stepfather's will. He wanted me to not give in to my animal side. My stepfather never really wanted me to have any opportunity.

He gave me no reason to be a reasonable child. I know that I couldn't really get my way and I couldn't explain anything because I wanted an after-school job. I wanted to earn a few things in my lifetime. I wanted to graduated from Eskasoni High School.

I wanted to graduate from Eskasoni High School with extra curricular activities on my school record. But my stepfather and his family didn't want me to thrive or succeed in anything. I did not have anything on my transcripts when I'd left Eskasoni back in 2010. Everyone wanted me on automatic in Eskasoni for the longest time. And feeling that I never was independent enough to live and thrive. I know that some people don't need coping skills as life skills. Job-related life skills have been a big part of my life and to see the possibilities, potential and chance at getting a job with these mental health literature. I know that I have been good.

But I know that Eskasoni wasn't where I'd thrived. I know that I took pride in being an a Eskasonian. But I wanted to work and live my life with Playstation. I went through so many weight changes, ups and downs and betweens.

I know this kind of roller coaster deal. I've been through many traumas and emotional recoveries. I know that I have been through different dimensions of hell through the seven circles of hell. The struggles of positive thinking is that I cannot manage my own life. Feeling trapped with limitations, restrictions and boundaries. I know that I haven't be able to have sex on my time. Knowing that I haven't been attractive in any sense or fashion. I was emotionally held back because of certain shames in the family of the Morrison.

Now I got something of a family in Mawita'mk Society. I know that they aren't my true blood. Or the Morrison. I know who is my true blood and power over me it has nobody cannot say nothing about that. It's a crew but I don't have a true family with Mawita'mk Society. I know that I've been listening and hearing how they value me. But it doesn't come close to blood.

The True Power of Blood has an effect on me that says strong. Toughness and endurance. I know that I haven't be able to lose some influences because of certain workers. I know that they value me but in deadly way? To be their tool instead self-reliant? To be their dependent instead of self-sufficient? No! There has to be an interdependence (Teamplayer) of some kind and I have to keep my independence (On my own kind of deal). There have to be a balance between interdependence and independence. I know there is because my stepfather was a community team player before.

Now he is a gambler and a team player. If I bring him luck I could get something out of it maybe. Or maybe he will get tired of the gambling and relax. Spend his time with music or peace. My background music is something that I have to listen to. I know that I'm valued, loved and meaningful.

To mean real business in We'koqma'q community I have to start walking again. I used to imagine myself in space, in a spacecraft with my wits and grits, working to travel the stars. While listening to a mixed cassette of David Usher and others. But I would have a choice between iPod, Universal Satellite radio and cassettes. I'll have a few for my post-apocalyptic feeling of last-ditched romance. Having technologies that would be compactable and compatible with survival necessities.

I'm learning what I need to to start a life on my own. This Mawita'mk Society journey is just that a journey. I want to be on my own where I could make the rules of my own and follow them. Grief works in funny ways, my Grammy Jessie Denny has impacted my life, my granny Barbara Morrison has impacted my life. And Mummum Jean Doucette has impacted my life into the man...

Into the man I have to become. The love, styles and confidence of these three women have impacted my life together. I have been loving these women as my grandmothers and working on myself. Originally from Eskasoni I had my life changed, shaped and formed from these matriarchs that I have to take those important steps with Mawita'mk Society with. I know that I'm stuck here until I can get my BA degree and get my full driver's license after I get my second transplant kidney and fitness. And drive on out of here.

I'd enjoyed their styles while I was on this earth. I know that I don't have any justice through these women. But I know that I had love, protection and care. I know that I'm happy where I'm at but I grieve for these ladies. I haven't gotten my life back together and I want to move because I grieve. Well I'm homesick but I know that I don't have any powers in Eskasoni. So I will wait until it passes and then I will continue here.

I know it's a struggle to keep a positive thought in mind and concentrate on it. I know that I never was independent enough to thrive on my own. If I wanted something I would rely on pop bottles business. It was an easy job because I did not have any level of education and employability while I lived in Eskasoni. I wonder if I could get my fitness and second transplant kidney, I wonder if I could get a decent job. 

At Mawita'mk Society I'd learned the value they have on me is sticky. I know that eventually I will move out and live on my own. Enjoying my single life and having the best years with a car. I know that I don't know any market. But I know that I'm knowledgeable with this inflation rise. I know that food I'd expensive and everyone was extra cautious. I know because of Covid-19 pandemic everyone is still taking precautions. And working on cautionary stories with the news of this Era. 

It's not a prison but a paradise. This place have workable goals and activities that could conditioned me for a professional kitchen, for a landscaping business, for a Caretaker job, a good installer and builder positions. This place could prepare me for the job market and schooling necessary to secure the credentials for such community business. 

But here I'm at trying to look for reasons to escape here. I know that I don't get to choose my free time with Mawita'mk Society. I have to go with the flow and work on these workable and viable ideas of goals. I know that ideas don't bleed and I know that I could work, build and grow with them. I know that Mawita'mk Society would work with me to get the credentials I want. If I show interest in that kind of community business. 

I just want to be accustomed to accomplishments. I know that I would try to get my BA degree. And other credentials that I hope that I got knowledge in. I want to be accomplished with Mawita'mk Society. The possibility of moving back home is growing but so is the concern of wanting to because of the growing dangers of the population. 

The stagnancy, the inflations, the dependency and addictions, discriminations and relationships. And the Intergenerational cycle of traumas, barriers, losses and grief. I know that I had complicated grief and nobody was merciful with me because of the hate, anger and competition. I had to work extra hard because I did not have any smartphone, tablet, laptop, computer or phone. People didn't want to help out and get me a good job. 

As a former addict I've been through a lot of good memories in Mawita'mk Society. Sober, productive and thriving in We'koqma'q community. I had to take a break and get treated with tea and cookies. I know that I have been treated well with food and outings. I know that I'm loved, valued and appreciated by others here. Apparently I don't have to work that hard for Mawita'mk Society as I used to. 

I just got to work with them. And do these workable goals that they set for me. Nobody wanted me to suffer it all out. I know that my life has changed greatly because there isn't any hatred in heaven.