The Struggles of Today

I know that inflations is on the rise and living at Mawita'mk Society I know that they don't want me to have my money. Mawita'mk Society is sustaining me in ways where I have to work with them. I want to leave on really good terms of level of education, fitness and employability. I want to have my own online goals like getting my BA degree and full driver's license. I know that I have to try to work at the viability, workability and possibility to get my Bachelor of Arts degree.

If they haven't bugged me they wouldn't care. They put in their hours with us and work with us. I know that I have walked with Shauna and Vickie. I know that I am going to do stretches for fitness. Accepting myself as a experienced bachelor with weight changes over the years and practice over the years. I'm sick and tired of the weight changes. I know that I need to start being more walking around We'koqma'q community.

I've been through mad stages of hatred and vengeance, forgiving and accepting, to calmed and concentration (meditations). I've been down that road before and I know what certain things can affect my sobriety. Social reality can affect my sobriety. I know that adults get excited for adult fun (sexuality). I know that I'm supposed to be this person who doesn't get it. I feel that I'm slowly learning how I have to put my best foot forward, always. I know that I'm happy where I'm at but I miss Eskasoni because of the sex I could get from a certain woman. I know that I'm growing up and don't have my own place, my own job, my own car and my own woman to rely on.

But I know that I wouldn't have that kind of tagteam. I feel that I lost opportunities to get a date and define my type of relationship. I feel that I never was promiscuous because I would rather go steady.

I wanted a beautiful, smart, loving and caring woman in my life where she believes in man's abilities, who was a teamplayer(my partner) and a good friend. Who wants to be my lover and have a rich shared lifestyle with me. Who is a willing learner like me and help those needing help. I want to get my Bachelor of Arts degree and specialize in psychology and addiction. And get my Bachelor of Social Work degree and live my life with those kinds of accomplishments in my life.

My stepuncles have worked on me with their psychological influence and level of hypersexuality they have taught me. I don't get to choose my destiny because I don't have any powers or influence to stop anyone. It's like the Standford Prison Experiment but with kids. They are testing how much influence they have over me when I was young. I know that they have driven me insane with guilt and shame.

Because of what they've taught they wanted me uninnocent, experienced with discriminations and addictions, having a sense of chaos under a sense of their control. And not living up to my fullest potential. They have deprived me of certain rights and respect that they thought was good enough to deprived me of. I was innocent at first but when I became an Indigenous child addict they've taken everything into account. And ran with my shames and guilt.

I know that they could work on me for every little outcomes. Keeping me weak, down and bringing me into their world. They are so strong in my influence because I was an child addict who was active. I know that they taught me how to look and see what they see. They haven't let up or have any positive impact in my life because I was taught hypersexuality v. Hypergamy/Hypogamy.

I'm a ugly beast and I don't deserve any love or respect. But I am learning about mental health knowledge and traditional practices. 

I've been reading and trying to practice my culture for years. Refreshing my coping skills and cultural knowledge that I know a thing or two about addictions, discriminations and relationships. They could have an impactful effect on me. I know that I've been traumatized over the years and in that I was given something in exchange for their pettiness. I know that I don't get to enjoy vengeance but rather solving problems, forgive and keep on moving on.

I'm learning my powers over my own mind. I know that I've been their scapegoat Demon Child. In A way I was the scapegoat Demon Child. I know that my family didn't want to help out because they had problems of their own. I felt that I don't get to get over certain things. I have to carry certain weights.

I know that my stepfather's upbringing was partly because he had to deal with two motherfucking rapists. And I had to be the center of their influences. Their psychological conditioning and their experimentations of getting to know me. I'm unlovable and thats what they used against me. I'm not that great with truths because of what I've been taught. The complete truths are necessary and my stepfather has created a creature that don't want to live. They have the upper influence and I don't have any justice.

I'm unjustifiable and have to learn my role in society. That I'm some kind of tool for the Morrison and the way I react is because of my misapprehensions of love and care. The level of what they have done is something significant. Yes they have a big part in my life. 

But I know that I care and love because I don't get to choose what I want out of life. They are the most fundamental respect I have to ken.

They are fundamental respect I have to learn, understand and comprehend respect. I am damaged goods and I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics because they have taught me confidence, leadership and money has something to do with it. They have taught me so much about my true emotions. How I feel about them and how I had choices wasn't conducive to true leadership and power. It was something of a extreme prejudicial pettiness. I know that I was beaten over the years. I know that my thought process was changed a hundred times.

But I'm learned, educated and experienced with life, work and education and trade. I have driving experience, Unama'ki Driving School experience and knowledge, and have an expired Beginner's license. The fight for independence isn't over until its over. I don't want to be govern emotionally.

I don't want to be govern psychologically. I want to be my own master of my own life. There is a lot to master in life and I want to be good at being a Master level Student of Life. 

Learning all I can from books, eBooks, magazines, comic books and encyclopedias. I know it takes reading and studying my library I have to figure out my financial, economic, personal, social and cultural and traditional independence. I say when I have to do it alone nobody wants me to. I keep forgetting. I am learning a cowards' sensitivity I think, when I'm learning about myself. Nobody can handle me when I'm truly tough.

I know that I'm looking to be independent. The fight ain't over until its over. The fight for independence and freedom. It's my time to train and expand my mind into mental health literature. Learning all I can from books and pdfs.

My body-weight training would increase my cognitive, spiritual and emotional wellnesses into a good holistic healthy well-being. I know that I have a lot of good reasons to read these books and learn from therapists and other things like audio books and Kindle. I know that I am learning to love myself enough to be motivated by my health reasons, to read and weight train at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I love but I have to work on my mental health literature. I have to work with them and incorporate slowly the 4 coping skills from Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, coping skills from Dr. Tian Dayton's emotional literacy, Dr. Tara Bennett-Goleman Mindfulness and Dr. Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence.

And the relationship and dating knowledge of Dr. John Gottman. These people I trust because they have emotional skills, behavioral skills and survival skills to live with.

The Struggles of my past is because I was targeted in Eskasoni. A nerdy little bastard that didn't have a break from his step uncles and other bad eggs. I know that I was given leeway and range to work within my life. To work on schooling and graduate. But I needed a cellphone and apps. I hope that I could keep my stuff if I could move back home. Especially with my Playstation 4 and other electronics, computers, laptops, radio, TV and tablet. I want to move back when I do get everything in the platform of my goals. The six goals.

I want to get my reading done, I want to move like a experienced dancer and exercise like a experienced traditional fitness trainer. So I want to learn dancing. I want to learn Judo refereeing from Mike MacInnis. And have my level of Independence increased to second transplant kidney status on my Facebook. If I do get my second transplant kidney.

I hope that Mawita'mk Society has the presence of mind to capture my heart of the moment when I do get my second transplant kidney. I want to build muscles and get in shape. I know this will be my second Christmas with dialysis. I know that I can get better each year because I live at a place where peace reigns and the community loves. 

I have to work on my six goals which is 1. Work on my fitness, 2. Work on reading and focusing on one book at a time, 3. Work on my walking endurance, 4. Increase my level of the aspects and areas of my Independence where I need work on, 5. Work on self discipline in my renal diet, water intake and fitness goals, 6. Get my second transplant kidney.

And then I could go after my full driver's license goal and Bachelor of Arts degree goal. I know that would be my Last Goals and I know that I would want a few things.

My Last Goals of my current situation would be 1. Get my full driver's license, 2. Get my Bachelor of Arts degree, 3. Apply for a job, 4. Save up for a financial goal of paying for a car, 5. Be a practiced driver. I hope to eventually become an efficient worker and a very practiced, safe driver with my own car to increase my level of aspects and areas of my Independence.

I know how to provide emotional safety but I don't think I could provide physical safety like I would want to. But that don't mean I'm giving up on my Six Personal Goals and my Last Goals of my Current Situation. People seem to have memories of expertise in psychology. And could counsel me into the right thinking. But I know that I'm still trying to think for myself. Originally I wanted Independence: thinking for myself without Influence and authority from someone else. I am damned because of gaslighting.

Because of gaslighting and discriminations. Everything I've seen was for my own lack of independent thoughts and inactions. I know that my mental space is mine alone and I could allow certain people in. Feeling that I've never had any training or encouragement. I know that I was hated because I was an innocent nerd, inexperienced with life and darkness. I know that I was taken advantage of when I was young because everyone wanted lust. I know that people don't want to take responsibility for anything because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, Indigenous descendant bachelor nerd who has been taught to hate and protect myself, instead of embracing true independent thoughts and feelings.

I know that I needed this level of hatred and anger because I was innocent. Not liked because I did not suffer, endure and fought back. I was in heaven with my family.

I had to learn different emotional aspects and dimensions of my mind through addictions, beatdowns, being beaten, battered and bruised. Being set up with certain people and getting humiliated. Having being gaslighted and discriminated against. And all the darkness and harsh realities I had to learn. I know that I was a heavy weight, changed and transformed into an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor nerd who has a level of education and employability. Nobody wanted to be honest with me because they've already did things.

Buy after I'd learned my responsibilities and accepted and forgiven people. I'd learned that hypersexuality and addictions have been something of a disorder, emotional upheaval or abuses. Me? I was introduced to all this by 74th street outdoors kids. I was bullied so I'd bullied back. I was threatened so I threatened back. I had to be taught this.

Because being a pacifist was hard work and exercise. I know that I'd chosen a pacifist's way of things because I did not exercise in vengeance. It'd would've been easier to follow the people of Eskasoni. Watching how they cherry-pick and favor people that they liked. Throughout my childhood, teen years and early twenties I was given every opportunity to recover and take my life serious with health reasons. Yeah I miss living in Eskasoni but there is so much hate and anger that there is a few murders in Eskasoni. I know that I love my hometown but it's way too dangerous to live there.

Everyone says one thing or do the opposite out of hatred and anger. Intellectualize this Intergenerational cycle and it becomes a good thing. I know that I don't get to choose my women, jobs, time when I do work on my education, full driver's license and BA degree. I have to wait...