Chance To Go Home

I know that I don't have any chance to go home. With a smartphone I could use a mailbox to get stuff. I don't usually attract any woman in my life. And I don't do much these days. I'm almost 40 for God's sake, I'm 37 years old. Still single and still jobless. I don't have my own place and I don't have my own car. I haven't to accomplish what I wanted to in my life because I was disabled. And there is nobody to talk to here when certain workers come by. A chance to go home and live my life how I see fit. I sure hope that I could get into routine. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics because I would've had a chick by now.

I know that certain workers dread to talk with me because I don't have any interesting topics to talk about. Nothing they are interested in anyways. I cannot talk about Star Trek canon because I know that I'm a little nerdy.

Yes, I have a temper but I outgrew it. I want to outgrow Mawita'mk Society by getting my full driver's license, job in Eskasoni, get my BA degree, fitness and car. I haven't had a chance to get my own car and full driver's license. I know that the opportunity wasn't given or I would've had a car by now. My sister keep holding me back and tearing down my confidence. I know that with a shunt I could take showers instead of baths. I know that I don't share any connections with anyone because I want to leave here on good terms.

I don't want to shun Mawita'mk Society away from my life. I hope that I could get a lot of conversations in and work on my unfinished business. I know that I haven't been able to transition here fully. And I know that I couldn't really let go of my own pride. I want to build a good happy home in Eskasoni. I want to work on my goals and have my life in Eskasoni.

Sometimes I think that I could move out of here and get my BA degree. Living here I've learned a lot about my mental health, disabilities and a few other things about myself. Originally from Eskasoni I know that I could walk through snow and rain. I know that I've walked harder than anyone in Eskasoni. I should be going around this road loop a few times. I know that I never had any lazy bone in me because my stepfather trained me well. I know that I had walking endurance, I practiced forbearance and I know that I had a inner calm in me. Strong, independent and tough I should've gotten a smartphone but everyone schemed off of me. Stole from me and I couldn't really get a bank.

It's been 16-19 years of no smartphone, cellphone or flipphone. Nobody loves me because they have to have a professional care about them.

I know that I never was the number one person to be chosen. My generational women wouldn't want me because they are too fucked up. Generational different women aren't that great. And I know that I'm no prize. I hadn't any accomplishments that would set me apart. I was targeted and bullied. I know that when I did had my own place people were trying to take over. I'm not innocent and they've worked off of that. I always try to look for reasons to move out. A solid reason at least.

I know that I need to accomplish goals of mine. In my loneliest time and darkest hour, I was learning that I needed help. It could've been my greatest triumphant victory and recovery. But my attitude and my solitude was welcomed here. I knew that I have found home. Nobody wanted me in Eskasoni anyways. And I was totally unappreciated and unappealing.

I know that no women would want me. And I know that I wasn't relationship material. I will and always be alone. I have no attractive qualities or characteristics in my life because everyone women I've met was old or taken. 

And even the available women that were here didn't want me. So I'm kind of stuck in a hard place and nowhere. All the trouble I've faced and all the darkness I had to walk through. I know that I wasn't given much look or honesty. Everyone lies in their own ways. And I know that everyone has their unique lies. But I don't meet online and I know that I've done hard work for nothing.

But I know that I have done hard work because I was learning. Building, landscaping and recycling. I know that I did not know anything until I came here. I feel like I am enrichen with cultural understanding, traditional knowledge and traditional practices. I feel enrichen in ways of culture.

Maybe I write in confused ideas? But I try go capture the depth, range and level of love, trust and care that Mawita'mk staff has brought out of me. People with powers want to patrol and control what I say. I know that I had my own dictionary and in that I was learning my vocabulary. I was upset and put a knife through it. I need a new dictionary because I could look for words. Get inspired by a dictionary. Happy home I should've wrote about. But I have wrote about how I was beaten when I was a kid. I did nothing but got my happy home. Learning about mental health knowledge from my stepfather. And traditional practices from family and community. Growing personally accustomed to living at Eskasoni I was wanting to have a happy home.

Have a family of my own but I know that I'm Unattractive. I'm unappealing and disabled, so I have to deal with that.

No woman would grant me sex because I am poor, broke, unappealing, disabled and a nerdy little guy. I know that I could keep accomplishing stuff but I've wasted time in my twenties and teen years. I couldn't save up for my own car because my stepfather didn't want me to enjoy a job in my teen years. I did not accomplish stuff in my teen years, I did not accomplish anything in my early twenties. 

I had barriers and traumas but I know that I don't get any lady. It's a merciless world and I cannot just take. I'd created enemies like that.

I know that I don't have any idea what women want. They don't want anything from me anyways. I cannot get laid because I don't have any job, money, fame, or sex. Feeling celibate and stuck I know that I'm nothing to the dating world. I don't want to be controlled and patrolled by my lover. I haven't been known to the dating world for 19 years.

The opportunity that I have missed, the chances I should've had. I know that nobody wanted me thriving. All I got is regrets and shames. I don't get to choose my women because I am haunted and tormented by my own past. Everyone just wanted everything from me. They wanted my house when I'd lived there because I did not have any influences or favors from anyone. I know that I did not have any jobs. I couldn't get any jobs because I did not have any education. A chance to go home is a risk, a deadly risk of beatdowns and everything repeating itself.

Theft, undermining, beatdowns, home invasions, break in and enters, breaking down my door, stealing my food and medicine, trying to take my place on me. And so much more. Bad enough I'm Unattractive I don't need anyone knocking down my door. I've created enemies and I have to face the consequences.

Heaven is just a sleep away. And I wake up in paradise. The abode of God's angels who work hard here. Angels can become demons and demons can become angels here. I know that I have been introduced to the demonic addict one time ago. I don't get to dance or have the woman of my dream here. I know that nobody cares for me in a real meaningful connection. I know that I'm this little nerdy little guy who no woman wanted in the first place. My moral story is about addictions; hypersexuality, inhalant addiction, cigarettes, weed, alcohol and recovery. I know that I have recovered physically, volitionally and stabilize my mental health. So psychologically I've recovered but emotionally I'm still wanting my hometown apartment.

My moral of the story is that addiction is indiscriminate and there is a lot of hard work with mental health. I know that I have been educated, recovered, trained in construction.

I know that I question the situation I am in. I know that I love and cherish every moment here. But I question if I could make it on my own and am I dependent on this situation? 

Moreover a question. There is a checklist that women seem to have that I cannot seem to get on. I don't fight or have any extra curricular activities on my school records. I don't know any martial arts or boxing. My dads didn't teach me nothing like that. And I don't have a car, job, degrees or a place of my own so I could have much yum-yum naked time with my women. My dads would rather play powers than to teach me anything about driving, mental health, coping, earning a living, groceries and a shopping list. And dating.

I know that I'm learning from Dr. John Gottman about dating, women and relationships. And from YouTube star How Do l Dad? 

I know that I haven't been able to reach certain goals in my life because nobody wants me thriving, independent, original and strong. I have to learn a thing or two about cars, plumbing and vehicles basics. Which I have learned about vehicle basics from Unama'ki Driving School. God it feels like it had been forever being in my head. Stuck and celibate. Not promised to anyone and stagnant and dependent. I don't want to depend on Mawita'mk Society. I want to learn much as I can from them. I'm tired and drained out because I don't usually cook for myself.

There have to be changes and I know that I wasn't taught anything from staff in ways. But I'd learned from Shauna and that's about it. I'm the only one who wants to learn how to cook, make it a profession and volunteer thing on my LinkedIn page, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr and Twitter.

I have a YouTube I would like to take advantage of. Have a YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn profile, Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Twitch. With Twitch I could do online cooking shows with a good enough snacks and drink. I know that I have SoundCloud which is a podcast app. And have my Tik Tok videos more presentable. My Tik Tok, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter account, Twitch, Tumblr and Snapchat videos and pictures of my cooking profession. If I ever get that far in my life.

I want to put the food and baked goods I make by myself online. I want to learn recipes instead of landscaping. I want to learn food preparation instead of building. I have a passion for tasting my own food when it's well cooked, boiled or baked. I know that I want to learn everything with cooking, boiling and baking. I know that I haven't experienced cooking with my family. I just stay out of the way.

I'm growing to be accustomed to peace. I have some thoughts about peace and sometimes I have no idea what peace can do to me. Could I languish in peace because there is no push and pull struggle? And can I know how to be motivated and determined in peace? My workethic is emotionally motivated by. I know that those that know how to mentally oppressed my knowledge and skills are here. They take away my abilities and powers to resist older influences. 

I know that I got no choices and everyone is chipping away my mantle of toughness. They think change is for the best and what if that mantle of toughness is my strength, power, knowledge, skills and abilities and empowerment? What if that mantle was my reason and motivation? My daily purpose for living?

What is my purpose? Am I motivated in peace? Am I determined in peace? I got my mind set on living here kind of. I know that I want to be independent and tough.