Hell Can Become Heaven, Heaven Can Become Hell

I'm surrounded by old people and with that comes the non-chalant attitude to talk more with certain combination of workers. Mawita'mk Society hasn't earned my trust because professionally they know their stuff. Knowledge equal damages and disinterestedness. I know that I want to move out on good terms. I could provide for myself because I have a smartphone. Everything I need is here and I know that I could use Mawita'mk Society's accountant. I have online banking and I have online social media accounts. I could make money if I could make it presentable, watchable and intellectual/educational videos.

I have all these apps and I have to make a presentation out of my YouTube account. I know that I could make it presentable, watchable and intellectual. I know that I have been learning to work my own YouTube, Tik Tok videos.

I know that I don't want to record the workers on my YouTube. Feeling like most of these workers care more about talking than us clients. I know that they say that they care but Shauna seems to separate from this group. I know that they haven't been my favorite people because they talk too much. I know that I want to manage my own medications, life and driving goals. Rosie don't care if they talk too much. Talk less, do more. And they believe there is a reprieve or something if they have twelve years of support. Not the right support but the support they are comfortable with.

They want comfort they should go home. I know that I don't grant reprievals or a level of comfort. I expect people to be professional and efficient. Nobody wanted me to be successful, accomplished and thriving. I know that I had 19 years of missed opportunities with my smartphone.

I could've been dating and fucking but I had beatdowns, missed opportunities, mental decline and other things that I could probably list off. Feeling like everyone didn't want me to learn anything. There is a position of power that I could destroy with disobedience. I could be the Rebel of Mawita'mk Society. But I know that was a joke nobody wants me to make. I know that this organization has to show more workethic. And learn how certain workers affect me. Yes there is a level of trust with certain individuals. But trustworthiness means blindness from action. I cannot decide to take action if there is blindness. I know that I cannot really enjoy myself here because I cannot get a woman. Nobody wants me to get laid because everyone would rather emphasize that I have to get the woman myself. And with that attitude I know that nobody is willing to hook me up. Generationally different people aren't wanting me to have anything.

I never had any relationship chances or sexual opportunities. I know that I did not get to enjoy myself with a smartphone for 19 years. I know that I did not have much sex partners as I should've because everyone wanted to retain my innocence or something. Probably deprivation methods. I don't have any innocence and I'm stuck here because everyone is looking out for my best interest instead of me looking out for my best interests. It's giving up my willpower, my volition, my independence, my thinking and my hometown life. To get comfortable with this life. No sex, no jobs, no vouching on LinkedIn, no driving goals, no fitness reasons.

With trustworthiness there is unguardedness and blindness associated with it. I know that I don't want to be caught unguarded and blind from trusting Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have been learning about Mawita'mk Society over the years.

The more I stay here, the more I get spoiled here and I know that. That's what I'm comfortable with. I know that I don't want to comfortably depend upon certain people because they talk too much. The way they handle criticism and critique. I know that they have to say certain things to work it out. I know that they don't have to obey this. The idea that Mawita'mk Society doesn't have to work for their power, trust and care is something they know that they are spoiled by their powers. I know that I don't trust anyone here because they are talkative instead of listening and doing.

I would rather live by myself instead of having to deal with this service. I feel like I don't owe them anything since this place has taken away my sense of efforts, workethic and commitment. That's why I was practicing forbearance because it took commitment to be here. I don't want to live here.

I don't want to live here because I know that I could provide for myself. Vickie doesn't take pride in her independence. I know that I take great pride in my independence, enough so that I would rather want to live in my old 74th street apartment in Eskasoni because I know that I could get the women there. I know that a gay motherfucker is stopping women from getting interested in me. Pictures of people bothering me while I live by myself is a hundred times more.

But if I want my independence I have to set up stuff. Hopefully I can defend, protect and stop people from bothering me and stealing from me. Fucking addicts in Eskasoni ranges from a lot of the population. My hometown is suffering and there is nothing I can do. I know that they wouldn't want to learn or be taught anything. I'm still learning about doctors' works and online life. There is always power-struggles.

Clyde rats to Vickie and Vickie rats to Clyde. And Mawita'mk Society has their own personal system of power-struggle/powerplay book. They don't leave me alone in my bedroom. They don't know how to gain my trust, they rely old techniques and strategies. They aren't that honest and all of them have an petty attitude problem. I don't think I would want to grow attach to a bunch of people that are petty. So I think and they act. I know that I have been blessed with certain workers like Shauna, Candice and Jennifer.

I've faced greater adversities than this and still survived. But I feel like I have to explain myself constantly where I'm going. I feel that I could get used of it but what would that mean? Am I spoiled and dependent? I miss my independence because I had a female companionships. They stuck around to find me out at times.

These people expect to be respected with a degree of respect, power and trust that they have total obedience. Ageism is discriminations based on age and I have to deal with that daily. I'm losing opportunities to get a transplant kidney every time I don't use the equipment in Mawita'mk Society's den and in my bedroom. Rosie wants me to depend on her approval and only her or workers' approvals. I ain't waiting on them to approve because it would take forever. Out of John Milton's work Paradise Lost, the mind is its own place, and in itself can make heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. That means a hell in early childhood can become a heaven if you are willing to change the perspective. A heaven can become a hell while a hell can become a heaven. The power in you can change that perspective.

Evil can change into good while good can change into evil.

There isn't any reasons for me to become evil and make hell. Because my paradise lost is Eskasoni. Once aware of this harmony in motion where if you give someone a reason they will become evil. I know that I don't get any reasons to be evil to women because I've known sex. Feeling celibate and stuck I know that I have to work on fitness and walking. My buttons have been pushed, I'd practiced forbearance and composure. I am learning about women, maybe that's the reason they didn't chose me in the first place. I don't have the right books for coping with all this.

Evil can be lurking in the corners if you stay evil. That's why we have to change into a health-conscious, self-directed, self-motivated, sense of purpose and pride from Mawita'mk Work Program, a job satisfaction from job titles and job descriptions. And a good group home. A sober and productive member of Mawita'mk Society.

I came from a enormity that wanted to snuff out my life. Thankfully I had family, the right people at the right moments and friends. I know that I have worked my angles and had guardian angels on my side. I know that I was protected but I needed to learn life skills, job skills and survival skills. Which I have over the years I've been in We'koqma'q community, Eskasoni and other places. The power of goodness, rightness and love. I know that I had broken-heartedness before. And I was evil and pathetic. The badder you are, the sadder you are. I was wrapped up in complicated grief, on-again and off-again addictions, discriminations and relationships, evil intents and emotional upheavals. I know that I was traumatized from there and again.

I wanted a simple life with a simple wife. But it seems that I cannot have that because I don't have any relationship experiences in these day. I know that women aren't that innocent. They would rather be independent like me. I know that I never accomplished anything in Eskasoni because of discriminations, forms of abuses and hatefulness.

I know that I'm hated by some. This place is Stigma-free and there isn't any truths. I cannot get to the bottom and find out facts. This place isn't respectful of my confidentiality but expects me to respect their confidentiality? I am stressed about my fitness goals not being self-motivated exercises. I think that I am lacking of motivation because the trauma or therapy took away my old mentality, workethic and commitment. 

I have to rely on Mawita'mk Society's support. I don't care for their pettiness. I know that I have been here for twelve long happy years and next year will be my thirteenth year. I hope that in the New Year's Resolutions I could make my fitness goals and accomplish them. Finish them off and not worry about my fluids, weight and fear of losing out on a transplant kidney.

I was a devil but I was an innocent first. I know that people didn't want me to learn all this. But I have and have to use it to the best ability I can muster up. Generationally different and strong I know that I want to build my muscles and start a exercise regimen. But I feel like I'm stuck here because I cannot accomplish any goals I want. 

I practice forbearance because love is my strength. I don't deny that but where I have to go is where I have to go. Heaven can become hell if seen in the right perspective. Imprisonment for the disabled and never finding truths or facts. I know that I have to say that sometimes I want to be evil. Just to show Vickie and Clyde or others not to mess with me. Torments of my undressed soul and I feel like I'm exposed like a nerve being pinched. I know that certain words or saying can affect me in humor and comfort. I feel happy that there are humor in this. 

But sometimes I want to show I have teeth and I could pursue any enemies from the depths of hell. I know that I don't have to because I practice forbearance, self-discipline and composure. I know coping skills and they don't. I know that I have to stay strong, keep faith and trust. But I know that Vickie and Clyde and others have a powerplay book. 

Maybe I'm being too hard. I know that I want to achieve much as I can in the next year. Get into routine with fitness and walking. I have weights in my bedroom and I know when I should stop. I know that I have walking shoes and boots. I know that I need to work on my goals of independence. 

I have a rich life because Mawita'mk Society allowed me to grow and develop personally, educationally, professionally. I have an economic awareness that Mawita'mk Society helped in the process of realization and fruition. I know that I am self-motivated, self-disciplined, self-directed with a good sense of purpose and job satisfaction. I know that I don't need any money from jobs. 

With Mawita'mk Society I am ingratiated to this community and other First Nation communities. Situational morality has taught me a keen empathy and compassion. What if I was an insane addict? What if I was an disabled addict without Mawita'mk Society? I feel that I wasn't independent enough to grow accustomed to living by myself. Originally from Eskasoni I had dreams of living a life on my own. Working, educating, training and building a life worth living in Eskasoni.

I have no special skills, I am not in University and I don't have my own house. What I do got is a level, range and depth of human and planetary knowledge, economic education, trade and Unama'ki Driving Certificate. I am a nerd who never had experienced a relationship. A good girl? What does that mean? All the women have went into porn or had experiences more than me because I had 19 years of missed opportunities to have dating apps with my smartphone. 

I hadn't experienced the world and I'm 37 years old, almost 40 years and I know that with this life I should have built up a proper defense for leaving on such good terms. But I cannot because I know that I'm still learning. What people have left out of my life is something essential as a smartphone, eBooks, Pdfs and audiobooks.

Yes, I have a collection of books on relationship, dating, women, intimacy and connection. I hadn't experienced traveling by myself and learning the world's survival skills. I want to cook for myself well. I want to use my oven and stove well. I want to create a good home in Eskasoni with food, medicines, walking, exercises, traveling the world because my job has given me a vacation. I want to earn my living and sober productivity. 

I want to be active and productive in my sobriety that I enjoy movements and actions. I want to be fit and muscular, flexible and agile. I want to build my body up that I don't have to worry about food being wasted energy. I want to balance out my meals through fitness training and repetitive work of workouts. I want to be coordinated and balanced. 

I'm single and never had any relationship experiences. I'd probably could get that from the Girlfriend Experience service from a prostitute. I know that I don't know if I'm wanted. I am an emotionally intelligent person. 

They've taken my assurance away from me. They have taken my temper which was always violent and more difficult to deal with. I used to be stubborn and if I put anything damning on this blog I hope it's eloquent, elegant and powerful. I know that I haven't taken down a tall bastard but I know that I want to train hard and good on my own. 

I don't want, need and desire approvals. I know that Rosie has been a controlling from day one. And I think through Mawita'mk staff they are monitoring and patrolling me. If I want to die in a blaze of glory I will. But I feel that Mawita'mk Society has been making me out to be this unserious person. Mawita'mk Society has made me this minion, the tool and everyone's favorite fool. 

I don't have any powers to defend myself against Vickie, Darren, Adrienne, Clyde, Roddie. I know that all the people at Mawita'mk Society hasn't respected anything. And they haven't earned my trust. I was disabled as soon as I was put in this place by Vickie and Clyde. I know that I shouldn't take pride in providing for myself. Originally thinking that I should move on out of here when I do get my shunt. I know that my family won't allow that. 

People in position of power have been regularly having the time of their lives while I shouldn't provide for myself. Originally I was supposed to get my diploma and move to Sydney with my own car. But as we all see I cannot accomplish that goal because everyone is controlling my every move, thought and expectations. 

I know that I want to get a job and reach a level of fitness where I have muscles. But I don't think that I'm going anywhere. Now I have a level of education and employability that I could work anywhere in Cape Breton. I know a thing or two about living sensibly. And I take great pride in my lifelong learning, working and driving.

I know that I want to become independent where I have outgrown Mawita'mk Society's service. I want to be able to do my GST papers and do what I need to do. I hope that I could learn all the necessary life skills like picking a renal diet groceries, having my job and living by myself. I enjoy my video games and I want to have my own Eskasoni Communication bundle in my old apartment.

I want to leave on good terms. But they keep up with doing petty stuff. Hopefully I could learn to see pass that and keep with my fitness journey. I know that I need to update my rèsumè and portfolio.

I want to be economically adjusted meaning I want to work full-time and have the fringe benefits. At least I could have a job. Earning my way through work. I hope that I could be at the ocean at the end.