Home, Sweet Home

I got 4 sisters, 4 brothers and a bunch of male and female cousins that are in ranges of my generation group. I know that I haven't been able to make my home yet. I know that home, sweet home isn't home, sweet home. I haven't worked professionally in my early teen years because my stepfather held me back. He did sports coaching, volunteered and worked for 25 years and I'm stuck here in stagnancy, dependency and jobless because of him. I know that I never was independent enough to stay out of these group homes. I know that I'm still learning about life skills, strategies and techniques. My Morrison family has held me back from getting anything on my portfolio.

I know that I had 21 years to make something of myself. And my stepfather held me back throughout my early teen years, my full teen years and my early twenties. Now that I don't have any respect I was shitted on by them.

I never was independent enough to thrive and outgrow the Morrison. They always made hell my home and kept me in lock down. I was sheltered from life and I couldn't really get any opportunities in my life because the Morrison needed favors. I couldn't really do anything because my stepfather's family has been holding me back. People lie, cheat and steal my youth time out of me. I know that I was their favorite target and I know that they didn't teach me nothing but how to do yard work.

Now? I had 21 years to get my act together and work my ass off. Feeling like I've been cheated out of my youth I know that I couldn't really enjoy my youthful time I'm Eskasoni, Paq'tnkek, Membertou, Chapel Island. Hopefully I could get myself in a good fitness stage where I've entered the fitness world. All these kids don't want to learn from certain Doctors.

The reason for this is because there is medical doctors v. Doctors (Teachers) who have specialized in a field like mental health knowledge and worked it through the mental health literature. And put understanding to it. I know that people don't trust MD (Medical Doctors) because they push drugs on you. There have to be a definition of professionalism and medical. What we learn from sex seminars and retreats are what I know that could improve on your level of intimacy, care and love, respect and love. Emotional safety is coming from respect for the human being.

Dr. John Gottman books could help a man navigate through the woman's heart. I know that food can warm the heart and soul. But the level of intimacy, the range of care, the depth of love and the way you connect. I know that I have been learning women's psychology. They all fear differently.

Like men and fear, women are emotionally complex creatures and have been getting comfortable with their own beauty. I know that I have been learning about the rhythmicity, fears and emotional needs. The emotional intelligence, growing together and the strengths of a relationship can be a foundation of love and trust for the kids. Learning that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for twelve years and I am learning this for a few years now. I am learning that not every woman is the same. The fear Response is different and I know that I don't bring out trust in everyone.

I know that I'm not trusted here and I'm beaten into submissions. I know that forcing me to accept my fate is just their hatefulness. 

It takes hatefulness to hit someone down. I know that I wasn't given much look or chance to be in a relationship. But I know that I don't care for violent people or their reasons.

I just care for my family. I have to protect them and I know that I have many reasons to workout. Muscles defines a man to navigate this world of violence. If I was still traumatized and vengeful and started to exercise in my bedroom. I know that I don't have the support of this or any community. Growing personally accustomed to living alone when I was living in Eskasoni. I know that enemies threaten and I know that I've done what I could to get my fitness. Muscles and bullets make a guy a coward. And I know that I want peace but I wouldn't know how to be motivated by it.

I practice forbearance. I try to wait it out calmly and have nothing in my head. Mawita'mk Work Center is my world where I could put my best life in there. Learn cooking, baking and ingredients and recipes. 

Hypersexuality, violence and harassments have been the weapons against my sisters.

Sexuality is supposed to be healthy, Hypersexuality is all about hypersexual insecurities, anxiety, and fears that could turn into anger, hatefulness and traumas. I know that I have practiced forbearance, distress tolerance, emotional intelligence, emotional literacy, emotional regulation and mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness and acceptance. I know that forbearance is patient self-control, restraint and tolerance. I was at a level of self-control where I needed to do something I could've done it by myself. I don't want to be evil but if someone can flick a switch in my head and leave me there.

I would be sadden and angry. I have to take control over my own mind. Cruelest thing to do to me is Alexithymic Profundity of Deep Disassociation. It starts out in gaslighting and controlling my emotions. I am old school and there are a lot of people in power-struggles that they don't want to give up.

But it's merciful at the same time. I know that I have books about mental health literature. And I'm studying and reading about it. I read some mental health books to an extent but I finished Trauma and Addiction from Dr. Tian Dayton. I know that I've cried a few times and now I am learning about addictions, hypersexuality, relationship paradigms, relationships, dating, women and intimacy. My sisters have braved the relationship paradigms and found no solace in their bare minimum love.

I know that I don't want them hurt but they seem to be resilient, recovering and cautious. The fucked up thoughts they have, the fucked up feelings and invalidations. My sister Edna is alright but I don't know her history. Feeling like I have been learning a lot in my time. Smartphones, cellphones, flipphones, Playstation consoles, Xbox 360 and games. I know that I need a job.

My sister Billie Jean has begged me to upgrade my bedroom. All my brothers and sisters have begged me to upgrade my bedroom. So I have with CERB checks and with an We'koqma'q One Stop income. I know that I have all I need to survive this Covid-19 pandemic world. But I had to get laid off and hopefully I could go back. They seem to understand me more. I have formal education in Excel but I haven't used it in years. I need to put experience with it and PowerPoint and Word professionally. Maybe I could learn from my old job.

I'm not that much of a listener and I don't want to depend upon certain people. I know that I am a good listener when it comes to music. Sometimes I am but I don't talk that much. I know that I don't talk with certain people in Mawita'mk Society. I know that I don't know if my old hustles would work if I did moved.

I know that relationship requires good listening, talking and being there. I haven't grown into a good relationship because I am independent, thriving and developing. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics because I would've had a open-minded relationship. I know that I've learned a lot over the years I've been here. People that develop relationships really want to learn. I don't want pointless jealousy because I think that's how women work with me. Torment me in ways of pointless jealousy. But I have all these coping skills and building routines.

My stepfather's family didn't want me to have the satisfaction of getting a paycheck or direct deposits in my bank. I know that I don't have any extensive job experience. And I know that I don't have any extensive full-time experience. I want to live my life in Eskasoni and have my second transplant kidney.

I had 21 years to make something with myself and I got my ALP diploma, trade and Unama'ki Driving Certificate. With an expired Beginner's license and driving experience. Relationships are about that exchange of ideas and information. It's about intimacy and touching. It's about a lot of sensory perception feelings. But I know that I could get a prostitute for all that. Alongside that I could order the Girlfriend Experience. I just got to refocus on my efforts to get laid and keep up with these dating apps. It takes times to get a chick to respond to me.

When I was 16 I was held back from getting a job and doing what was necessary to secure a job for saving up for a car. My stepfather held me back all those years and never wanted me successful, accomplished and thriving. He wanted me under his control and patrol. He never wanted me to live my life peacefully or thrivingly.

I know that now I am enrichen with my own things and level of education and employability. I know that everyone has their genre and style. Mine seem not to attract any women right now. A true rocker and heavy metal philosopher. I know that I am learning about women and what they want. I know that I need something out of them before I pursue them. I need acknowledgements and re-assurance that they want to be pursue. I know that this isn't something they would want to say to me. But I know that I want to assurance and a good deal of acknowledgements.

No woman has given such words or say so. I know that certain women are untouchable. And I have to keep my distance with them. I'd missed out on 19 years of smartphone experience and couldn't really enjoy myself in any respect. I felt like I was cheated, stuck, lied to and controlled.

I know that home, sweet home isn't home, sweet home because of homesickness. I know that I will never be settled in and wanting to stay here. I want to really move out on really good terms. And hopefully incorporate all my life skills and coping skills into my poems, my autobiography and novels I hope to finish. 

I have 4 sisters and I have 4 brothers and they have more sex than me right now. I know that is a twisted view to see myself but I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics because I am an differently abled. I know that home isn't a home because we grow, we have to make our happy home elsewhere. But I know that the new happy home is on Chapel Island. And I know that my family is safe. 

I know that I won't have a happy ever after. I am that kind of a loser. I lost out on opportunities and choices, chances and other things. I know that I won't have marriage in my life, I won't have a relationship in my life and I won't be relationship material and marriage material. I am not even University material. 

Then again I don't know their sex lives that well. I'm just assuming because of my 19 years of no smartphone in Eskasoni. I could've made a good researcher, father, husband and friend to some lucky woman. I know that I could've lived the simple marriage life with some lucky woman. But I know that nobody settles for welfare life and I have to be successful, accomplished and thriving and independent enough to outgrow Mawita'mk Society. I don't have any blacklist contacts in my contacts and I know that I could live my life with this woman. 

I was deprived of having my own smartphone in Eskasoni for 19 years. Getting my driver's license, getting my high school, getting my smartphone, getting my Playstation 4, getting everything that I ever wanted in Eskasoni to make my life easier. It would've been easier having a car in my life to get groceries, go to faraway appointments, getting a job and doing deliveries with my own car. 

Besides I never had any good experiences with banks in Sydney. They most ripped me off and take my money. Mawita'mk Society advocating for me, protecting me and supporting me in ways. I know that I have it made here. 

Whatever happen to making my home anywhere? Whatever happened to that tough snd independent enough attitude I used to have about my life? Whatever was that spit-fire, venom-chewing and Kratos-killing angry kind of guy? I'd changed and learned! I outgrown my attitude and my motivation to hurt people. I wanted a relationship, emotional intelligence from sex, intimacy and touching, a woman to bring home. I wanted to have a professional and educational accomplishments, success and achievements. I want to make my life here. 

I'm almost 40 years old, I'm 37 years old and I have a few more years to do something worthwhile. I know that I don't have any job or professional career. I know that I haven't made my first purchase of a car. I know that I haven't gotten into anything yet. A book to finish or a collection of books to finish. And I never started a relationship. 

Well I have accomplished my education, got my trade and went on We'koqma'q Helicopter ride. I llwent places that could mean peaceful. I got my Beginner's license in We'koqma'q Adult Essential Skills Enhancement Program in 2018. And I got my Unama'ki Driving Certificate in 2020. 

I'd moved to We'koqma'q community and living here I've went out for 12 years. I went movie theaters, bowling alleys and pool halls. I had twelve years of going on trips, vacations with family and Christmases. I had worked since 2018 and got laid off in 2020. I would do that again. And I know that I want to develop my muscles and efficiency.