What I Got, What I Could Get

I know what I got at Mawita'mk Society. I cannot get a happy home in Eskasoni. I know that I got electronics, technology and tools. I know that I got clothes, boots, shoes, coats and jackets, closets and washer and dryer. I know that I got sweaters and hoodies. I feel like I am enrichen in ways of having stuff and technology. I got a computer, a laptop, a Playstation Portable, a Playstation 4 and Playstation 2 and 1. I know that I got an Xbox 360 and a variety of collections of video game. I need adapters for my gaming consoles.

I know that I'm a father, an uncle, Certified Skilled Tradesman, Certified driver and trained in verbal Judo. That's what I want to say because I had secretly a son. But I'm an uncle, godfather, Certified Skilled Tradesman and Certified Skilled driver. And I am a Mawita'mk resident, client and member. If I do move I hope it's on good terms.

I want to admit that I'm something of a disabled addict father. Disempowered in ways of being sane and sober on my own. Feeling like I've learned my roles at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I could learn my roles in my hometown community. Growing personally accustomed to living here I know that the twelve happy long years here is something significant. I know that I had graduated from NSCC ALP program and NSCC Construction Trades Labor program. I graduated from NSCC ALP in 2015 and entered the same year I've graduated, got my NSCC Construction Trades Labor program Certificate in 2016 and moved back into the Ni'kinen house with all my things practically.

I know that I have a good life here. I feel like I could make it better by working, fitness training and build knowledge of cars and vehicles. I know that I have a lot of good reasons to stay at Ni'kinen house.

Good cooking service, Meals on Wheels training, renal diet nutrition, walking exercises and fitness training. Good list of chores to do here as an Inventory Clerk. And a good feeling of a happy home and a good bedtime routine. I know that I could learn from Mawita'mk staff how to cook certain recipes. And I have because of my Renal Diet groceries I would need to get. I know Sleep Hygiene and grooming from Mawita'mk Society. I know that from Eskasoni but I did not do it. I have a hair cut and a good shave.

I have it made here because I don't have to buy shit and I get free stuff. Hopefully I can get out of this life and start buying my own shit. Even though I want Mawita'mk Society in my life after I live in Eskasoni. I hope that I could keep contact with Mawita'mk Society. And have their advocacy services. If there is understanding of homesickness v. Alexithymic Profundity, I know that I love.

I feel an inability to recognize or describe my emotions is something of practiced, experienced emotional literacy. I know that I have been learning emotional literacy, emotional regulation, emotional intelligence from my family and right community members. Through tradition I've learned myself. Originally from Eskasoni I know that I have cultural/family/personal/social identity. I know that I have been learning about opportunities in Eskasoni.

Thr psychological works of relationships in changes from good to bad, love to hate, calm to anger. Intellectualize this struggle between good and evil and you find love as the secret of it all. Confidence is how you bring your baddest self. My therapist says the badder they are, the sadder they are. And I don't want to lift that weight of such animosity. Am I culturally relevant in today's society? I know that I have been looked as evil and pathetic.

But I know that I had to learn humility in order to have my own transformation into mental health literature from active addictions. Hypersexuality is something that I feel that I could get back in. Everyone that wanted me to have failure of self control is constantly seducing me into thinking there is a correct thinking. I know that it's something of a control and patrol methodology and methods for maintaining their powers over me. Everyone wanted me on automatic and forbearance. Nobody wanted me to be successful, accomplished and thriving.

I want my own car in-synced with my smartphone. Everything that I have I hope that I could save up for a good car. I am aiming for the brand new one. I know that I need to get a job but in order for that to happen I have to get my fitness in order to get my second transplant kidney. I know that I want to get my BA degree but first my car.

That means I have to get my full driver's license. Again in order for that to happen I have to work on my fitness. Being an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has accomplished past in We'koqma'q community I feel like I could get a job anywhere in Cape Breton Island. Hopefully I could get my fitness before anything. This world and body-shamimg isn't what I want. I know that I'm a tough son of a bitch who is original, independent and tough. I know that I love and care for my own family. I feel that I don't know them too well. I have a level of education and employability I would like to explore with Eskasoni. I know that I could get a good job and have my life in harmony, peace and prosperity in Eskasoni.

So I think in some ways. Legitimate concerns are reasonable in ways of being traditional wisdom and philosophy. I know that from my life I've been able to reach certain goals.

Evil can be a legitimate concern because of social capacity to be evil. The unsuspecting can be unguarded. That's because of trustworthiness of emotional safety, cultural understanding and physical safety. I could be the next enormity in some woman's life. But I know better than that because I have female cousins, younger sisters and a variety of women working here. I hear their stories and I know that I'm not perfect. But I have to keep learning to make another story of foundation to go by. I know that I'm was really innocent at first when I was a kid but then addictions came into my life. And I had to learn Mi'kmaq beliefs, spirituality and mental health literature.

I know that I have to read the heavy stuff because I know that is their story. I get tired from dialysis but I know that I'm happy how my friendships are. With certain workers I don't talk to that much, it's new territory.

I don't know much about white women. Being my friend means to be kind with me, empathic and compassionate I know that I have good friends. Friends put you back with the pride and have peace with it. I know that I'm still learning about women's psychology through Dr. John Gottman. Am I culturally relevant today? Am I the intellectual authority I should be? I have to know what Dr. John Gottman knows, what Dr. Philip Zimbardo knows and what others know.

I know that I'm guided by the dimensionally and intellectual paths of love. I know that I have been through so much in my lifetime in Eskasoni. I know that I love and cherish family and friends. Best to make friends than to create enemies. I know that I love and I know that I'm happy here. I just want to leave on really good terms of independence, education, full driver's license, careers and accomplishments, and fitness.

I want to be at a level of good memories and live long enough here to get my BA, my NSCC Cooking Certificate, to stay long enough to get my Red Seal papers in cooking. I know that I want to live long enough here to get my full driver's license and job. To save up for a good car. And have my cooking income much as I have a BA educated mind. I know that I want to build a better life here through fitness training and build muscles. I want to live here long enough to build muscles and have a good daily routine of chores, fitness, walking schedule and schooling, work and Credentials. I want to live long enough here to get my act together and work on my physical body. Conditioning my body through fitness training and walking.

I love myself and I want to share that love with Mawita'mk Society as I work with them. Feeling like I got more reasons to stay here to build a better lifestyle here.

There is a level of trust here. A range, level and depth of love and trust here that I could do anything. So I feel that I could jump backflips and front flips. I know that I want to be in a We'koqma'q Daily Routine where I walk to school with Tyson. I know that I have to be more patient when I read something. I know that a concise notice can be tricky. I know that I need encouragements to be patient. I know that I have practiced forbearance, distress tolerance,emotional intelligence, emotional literacy, emotional regulation, Mindfulness and Interpersonal effectiveness.

How well do I know myself emotionally thinking? Am I getting the emotional intelligence that I should be getting? Am I truly independent in an ambitious way of understanding? Am I significant enough to make decisions about my own life? Am I capable of evil things?

How well do I know my reality and realities of others? Am I a positive force in my family's lives? The process of transforming into an evil incarnate is because of the saddest story. The badder they are, the sadder they are. And I know that from experience. I know that I was a badass but I wanted mental health knowledge. Epistemologically speaking I've learned emotional intelligence from my stepfather, my mothers and family. I know that enormity is from the depths of sadness and anger. I know that I have been living here for twelve long, happy years and for twelve years I've celebrated birthdays, holidays, Christmases and family.

I know that family is important and I was learning that sadness could cause a lot of anger. Intellectualize this struggle and you have exposed the truths of their weaknesses. I know that I want to be happy, sane and sober.

You either want to be humble and accept yourself or be pathetic and angry and ruin lives! I know that being sober means to be productive and getting stuff done. I could listen to Strombo Show and have my eggnog in my bedroom. I know that there is a list of things to do everyday at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I'm happy, sober, clean and productive at Mawita'mk Society. I should say at Mawita'mk Work Center. That's where my Mawita'mk Work Program is at.

I know that I'm happy and I want to do stuff with Mawita'mk Society. Work with them until I finish and reach my goals. There is a level of trust with their level of care. I know that I have a good life with Mawita'mk Society and in this life i should be thankful, active and productive on my own terms. I have to condition my arms for being a Food Preparer. I know that I don't need to walk to work. Feeling that I had a lot of good influences.

My biological mother's teachings and connections. My grandmother Jessie Denny's connection with Eskasoni. I know that my step uncles don't want me to admit the truths of their past. I know that they don't want me to talk about them in any negative way. But they talk behind my back like crazy and lie to me. I know that I never was independent enough to thrive in Eskasoni on my own when I was young. Thinking about how bound I am from true independence and freedom. Not earning my way or having sex. Feeling celibate and stuck.

I know that I was deprived of my smartphone opportunities because I know that people told me get a smartphone. Everything I've done I could've done easier, smartly and more efficient. Nobody wanted me to get my Playstation 4, or have a collection of gaming consoles. They said that they want me to enjoy my home more.

But I know that I couldn't because everyone went after my ass and targeted me in so many ways. I feel that I couldn't rest in my own place. Eskasoni wasn't safe because I had enemies. I'd learned that Eskasoni breeds hatred in people. And I have to stay away from that traumatic cycle. There have been murders in Eskasoni. And nothing but addicts who are fiends. I used to be willing to do anything to get my diploma. That determination, willingness and motivation was strong in me. I would've done anything significant in my progress in life.

I know that I'm educated and trained in ALP, NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and driving. I know that I have been wanting my shunt to live in Eskasoni. But it would be harder and everyone wants control over where I live. I know that they don't want anything happen to me when I do move. I know that I need muscles again.

I know what I got but what I could get is a full driver's license, fitness, BA degree, NSCC Cooking Certificate, get my Bakery papers and Red Seal papers in cooking. A house or my very own restaurant building with my own place on top of it. I was deprived for 16 years, of a smartphone or cellphone. So that means that my stepfather didn't want me to have technology in my life. I'd lived a simpler life in Eskasoni. I had foot endurance and my stepfather didn't want me to get a car. So I had to walk everywhere. I know that people in power never have chosen me for anything special. And I know that I never had to work hard for anything because there wasn't anything to work for.

My stepfather has written me off. And so has the rest of the family. I know that I never was the favorite child because I couldn't do sports in my life. I know that I was always left out of anything my family did.

Nobody wants me determined, motivated and focus on the goals of losing weight. I have to be determined, motivated and focus on my goals of independence. Mawita'mk Society don't want me motivated, determined and focus on my goals of independence. I'm losing this battle of losing weight and fear was my discipline from KJ Francis. I was taught that fear could be a motivator. I know that I used to use my fears to do all sorts of things. That's what motivated and determined most of my things I've did. Freedom was full of motivators that I had to handle.

Fears, worries and anticipatory stressors. I know that I was under a lot of pressure, emotions and anger. There is supposed to be a level of trust and care but I know that I don't want to be dominated with the ruling authority at Mawita'mk Society. I don't want to depend upon certain people.

Because as far as I know there have to be an emergency before I get back my tough attitude and my motivation. I know that I was learning to manage my own life on my own. And I wasn't given any chances to mold myself into a direction, routine and positive chances. I know that the comfort level is causing me to languish. I am comforted by Mawita'mk Society. They cook for me, they give me my medicine, they schedule my appointments. And help me get motivated to take a bath, brush my teeth and mouthwash.

I know that I need to be self-directed, self-motivated and focus on my own. Feeling appreciative because I got such a wonderful staff people but I want to live by myself because I had a level of fear and self-care undirected. Now I know what that direction is I could, with my level of education and employability, live my life how I see fit. I know that I could get my own place in Eskasoni.

Fear is what kept me motivated all those years. Getting Christmas done, getting my homework done. Throughout my whole life I've been shaped, directed and guided by fears. I knew when I should be calm and brave but I knew when to explore my fears. 

I know that I was motivated by hunger to get certain meals. But I had to re-learn routine again and do what I needed to do to get my injection, medicine sorted out and a safe home. That's what Mawita'mk staff wants for me; a safe, comfortable and thriving home. Eskasoni cannot give me that. And I know that I cannot have a safe, comfortable and happy home in Eskasoni. Eskasoni won't let me. 

I know that I want to cook for myself and bake. I want to live my life in such a way that I am productive, doing my chores and having my own meals cooked and treats baked. I know that nobody wanted that for me. Nobody wanted me to incorporate all that into my hometown apartment.