A Thousand Battles Lost

I know that I'd had a thousand or more battles and I lost each and every one of them. Two wills against each other and political powers and other influences. I know that my stepfather had me held back because he wanted me to waste my life. He didn't want to give me my license which would've motivated me in getting my diploma. I know that after school or jobs isn't what he wanted. He wanted me to be a tough worker with small money. I know that I haven't any sports, girlfriend, job, education, prom night or car and license. Anything to make my life better he didn't want. I know that he has the powers to let me go.

I know that I'm lonely romantically speaking. I don't have any sweet heart because I got no girlfriend. Never had any because I did not have any relationship experiences in Eskasoni. I was left alone all those years and I know that people haven't helped out.

I'd tried confidence and lost that battle. I know that I feel unattractive and ugly. I know that I don't have any beauty because I would've had one-night standers or bitches. I know that money speaks volumes and I have none. I know that I got a short lifespan and everyone don't care if I do get laid or not. It's not their choices because I am the unappealing one. I would've had sex like crazy but I know that I'm not tall, dark and handsome. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles because my stepfather held me back. Whatever chance at a scrap of happiness I could have, whatever I had I don't anymore.

I'm way too old and useless. I have no knowledge of building because I could've had a small operation. I know that I don't have any earned respect because I know that I'm not working in trades, any industries or anything.

Here I'm held back because I don't care for my health. I only could get better by practice and invested time. I know that Rosie won't let me because I want to focus on getting the hell out of here. I know that I need to practice building by cutting, measuring and hammering. I know that I don't care where I do it as long as I can move on out of here by proving that I can build. I know that at Mawita'mk Society I'm kind of stuck where I'm at. I know that I want to apply my mind to everything. Mawita'mk Society took away my memory skills and attitude. I know that I have to move back home and get myself something going.

I have a level of education and employability meaning that I have a few programmings and schoolings under my belt. I know that I have an expired Beginner's license I cannot renew. I know that I have a wall of credentials hanging in my bedroom.

I cannot do other schoolings because Mawita'mk Society is sick and tired of me. I know that I cannot work on my goals and I know that I don't want to workout. Not until I get my driving goals done. I know that I have driving discriminations and I know that I don't have emotional justice there. I am languishing at Mawita'mk Society and they have served their purpose. I just need to get myself driving and going to school. I have invested time to learn what I can do to catch the women's attention. Yeah I'm back in the dating game but I know that I don't have any bitches, booty calls or sluts. I know that I don't have that kind of smartphone because my sisters and Mawita'mk staff are holding me back.

I know that there are no websites that will hook me up. I know that I don't have any money for such things. And I know that I don't have anything attractive.

I know that I'm being tormented because I want her. I know that Gracie Kennedy is somebody I want to try. I know that I want to get out of Kendra's friend zone. But I know that I want her too. I know there is no fraternizing with clients and patients. I know that Kendra and Darren could coordinate and meet up. I know that I don't have any way to control anything. I just have to forget her and live my life. They both have vehicles and I know that they could coordinate their fucks. 

Women are opportunistic and favoristic but I am not favored. I know that I haven't tried because there was no reasons.

I know that I have no powers of truth-seeking. I know that I'm tormented because I don't stand up for myself. I'm the smallest dude in a toxic culture and society. I know that I'm that disrespectful joke because I don't have any earned respect. I know that I have no powers here.

This is what I get for fucking with her. She torments me and loves it. I know that I don't have any peace of mind(which I want) when I'm around her. It's like she wants me to know these things. And feeling like I get lost in the nothingness inside of me. I know that she won't do anything for my peace of mind. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles because my stepfather has held me back in every way for selfish reasons. I know that I was control and patrol in every step of my life. Creatively she figures stuff out and torments me like that.

I am the smallest guy so I have to deal with these torments. Knowing that I'm starting to hate Darren and Kendra. I know that I don't want to be awake when I can sleep. In order to keep me awake they have to disturb my mind. Vengeance isn't mine and I cannot get Kendra back because it would be work abuse. 

I know that I'm the smallest guy in a toxic culture and society. Meaning I will be picked on more than most people. Going insane because I want my peace of mind. I know that I cannot trust Kendra and Darren. I know that I don't have any earned respect because I never did anything in their eyes. I know that I am no threat and I am not strong. Feeling like I'm stuck because Kendra don't want me to have any scrap of happiness. I know this because she would've been all over me. Instead she sees me something to torment because I am disabled. Stuck at Mawita'mk Society because I cannot take care of myself. Darren sees that too and if I do anything, Darren would do something.

God I miss my independence. I wish I had my apartment and had my own routines. I know that I don't want to deal with this hate with Darren and Kendra. Feeling like I'm stuck, alone and trapped here because everyone.

Everyone here has made me out to be this disrespectful joke that everyone laughs at. I know that I don't have any earned respect here and it's impossible to have all that. I know that I'm nobody but I miss my friends. I wish they come and visit. But they are probably too busy. I know that Darren has disproven me by dismissing me. He doesn't know how to work my brain. Emotional abuses isn't taken seriously. And I know that Kendra fucked with me first. I didn't want anything to do with her. Now I'm in this complicated position with her and wanting stuff from her. I know that Darren is protective over things he cares about.

And Kendra fits that category. Me? I am a target in his eyes because he allowed Clyde to steal and bully me. I know that I have no powers here because of certain people here. I am not taken seriously and everyone makes me a joke out of disrespect.

I'm losing this battle and I want to move because I know that I am a loser. I am a good liar but a terrible bigger older brother. I know that I don't have any respect because I know that in Mawita'mk Society I'm stuck because I am being taught to be afraid to lose out. I have nothing here and I know that I am afraid. Afraid to stand up when I need to. Having my powers in check and being known. I am a loser because I've lost many battles. And I am losing this. I know that I cannot read the situation because when it's silent cues I don't know. I know that Kendra wants me to dig for her attention.

I ain't gonna do that. I know that Darren and Kendra are compatible partners. They are probably doing it and I know that's why I'm jealous. Then again they could coordinate when they are doing stuff through their phones. I never had my life together because my stepfather held me back.

Darren and Kendra has a serious deep connection and I won't be surprised if they are doing it. I mean the opposite sex and everything. Chemistry between them and I want to move because that's been my torment from day one. I hope that I could forget her and work within my realm of possibilities to get laid. I know that I wanted to do her but I know now she hates me. So I might as well hate her back. I know that I am that kind of loser. I am losing this battle and I know when to disengage. I just have no place to move because everyone I know is selfish. I know that people in position have been tormenting me. I asked and she put me in her friend zones.

I know that I'm nothing to these ladies because I am the smallest guy in a toxic human culture and society. Meaning sexuality is going to be hard to come by. I know that hypergamy and hypersexuality.

Hypergamy and hypersexuality goes hand in hand. I know that I am excluded because I am poor and not working. I know that I don't have enough because everyone wantsxmy money. 

Look at me I have genetic freakdom, I have multiple disabilities and I don't have any work, house, car, career or success. I know that I'm nothing to this world. An unimportant small guy who nobody wants. I know that I'm stuck where I am at. I am no threat or strong physical fitness kind of guy. I know that I'm languishing at Mawita'mk Society. I don't meet up with a woman's fantasy of dark, tall and handsome. I know that I don't fit any criteria or checklist for hypergamy. In this socioeconomic reality we face people with muscles and riches. I know that I don't have two ladies.

I know that I'm still struggling to renew my Beginner's license. Because Rosie doesn't want me to progress to the next stage. I am just lonely, grieving, sadden and depressed. I know that I need hope for a relationship. I hope that I could get something. I know that I don't get anything anymore. I am not that smart to understand humor these days. And I don't know the dating scene. 

I know that the game has changed. It's more colder and more harder to tell things. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles because I would've had something. My stepfather deprived and cheated me out of my youth opportunities. And I couldn't do much. 

Anyways I have a rich lifestyle here but I could live in Eskasoni with everything. I know that I have technology and a smartphone. Electronics and tablet. I know that I have a level of education and employability to live in Eskasoni when I do get my second transplant kidney. I know that I am less attractive than my cousins because they get more than me. Torments of my past was loneliness. I know that I didn't like the fact I was a target. 

I did not have any women in my teen years or early adulthood. I know that I wasn't helped out because they give very little information and support. I know that I couldn't really enjoy my money because all these people wanted my money. I know that I couldn't save up because addicts and children. Being an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has accomplished past in We'koqma'q I want to move back home. 

I know that I have too many things against me. I know that I don't have any respect or attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. I know that I haven't been able to play basket ball, play hockey, or any sports in my teen and childhood. I was deprived child addict who couldn't have any Human decency to do anything with my life. I feel ashamed because all I did was addictions. I'd lost out on my youth opportunities and relationship because my stepfather didn't want to feed another mouth. 

He didn't want me to excel at anything. I was in a big community but there was nothing to do. I cannot now earn a living because I am ln dialysis. I am alone, stuck at Mawita'mk Society and trapped here because I have too many disabilities. 

I'd cried today and I know it was because I'd survived my family. I know that I need a break because I know that would be grief. My motherfucking mouth is nightmarish, my parents didn't want me to live apparently. I know that I was learning that grief have affected me. 

I just don't know her story. I don't think I would want to learn because I know that I'm struggling to work on my fitness. Being an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has a level of education and employability I know that I could get a job. I know that I have to get through this grief and depression. I know that I don't care anymore. I'd survived my family that cared. And I know that I have to be listen to. There is nothing sexier than that. I need to be listened to. I'd cried today and that's a good thing. 

I know that would make her uncomfortable when I want to talk. We haven't clicked because there isn't any chemistry between us. I know that we don't have anything in common. So I hope that Gracie will prove better. I have books on grief and how it is a broken heart now. Losses in my life have been clearer and I know that's grief emotional transference from my stepfather and real father.