Heaven Changes into Hell

I know that I have been learning what I need to. Feeling like I want to fuck certain women like an animal. But I know that I have to remain calm and composed. I know that I don't have any commands here and I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. I know that I am nothing to these ladies because I haven't tried. I know that I'm still recovering from grief and losses. But yeah I'm going to try to date and hopefully it turns out alright. I know that I have been learning about relationships and issues with that. A woman can text and fuck at the same time.

Knowing this I guess I just have to have faith. I don't know the dating world and I know that I haven't gotten any good fucks lately because I am at a group home. I'm kind of stuck here because I cannot seem to get through inflation rates. I don't think I will do good because I am a dialysis patient.

Yeah I'm disabled but that don't mean I have to quit on myself. Originally from Eskasoni I know a thing or two about loneliness and joblessness. Feeling like I never was a prize from the beginning I know that I did not enjoy myself in Eskasoni. I know that I could now enjoy myself but I know that I have to protect myself. Safety tip: don't let anyone in when they are drunk. I know that I never was happy because in Eskasoni I was bitched around and had no prior training in fitness or martial arts or boxing. I know that my stepfather don't want me to be a boxer or martial artist.

I know that I'm trapped here because of control tactics and managerial strategies. I know that I haven't been able to get laid because I am poor and lonely. I have no car or vehicle. I have no job or any sex partner prospects. I know that I have no resources to get laid because I have no shots with certain people.

I know that I have to look elsewhere because I'm no country boy. I'm a heavy metal philosopher and a criminal's psychologist in ways. I know that I have to work extra hard because I am small guy in a toxic culture. I know that I have no way to attract women in my life. I know that my sisters don't want me dating their friends because I might not be a good match. So that's out of the question. I know that I don't have any family willing to help out because they are selfish. My heaven became my hell once before and I did not like it. I hoped that somebody killed me but I know that I was getting laid.

I know that I don't have to be on anyone's worrylist because that shit is annoying. I know that I want to live by myself and get my romance somewhere else. I don't want my old lovers because they aren't that great. Losing my mind to the idea of help and I know that I want to have my own place.

I know that I have the struggles of dating and I have to get back into the dating game. Feeling like I'm kind of stuck here I know that I don't have any positive powers to work any angles. I have to relearn the dating game and work within my realm of possibilities. I know that I have to learn everything about this new dating game. I know that I don't know shit about it. I wasn't dating long enough to keep dating. I have to start at the bottom and hopefully I can get something for myself. I would settle for a one-night stand if it meant something. If I could get couple one-night standers I will be happy. Clueless at this dating game.

I know that I could learn from YouTube. I know that I don't have anything attractive because I am that kind of nerd. I know that I don't have any powers here because I know that certain workers have all that power. I know that I need to work on myself.

Feeling like I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles because I would've had gotten a woman already. I know that I have to work on myself because nobody else will. I know that I'm something repulsive and I don't have that right stuff. But it doesn't mean that I don't have to stop on myself. I know that I could work on areas needing improvements. However I know that I won't have different women every night. I know this because I never had that before.

I hope that I could work on myself where I'm working on my fitness, walking cardio and my calisthenics. And lifting weights. I know that I hope that I could get something of a woman. I know that I'm back in the dating game and hopefully I can get a woman. I know that most of my cousins and brothers don't want to help out. I know that much because I'd already asked them.

I know to read more and learn more. I know that I don't fit any criteria or checklist for sanity or hypergamy. Leaving Mawita'mk Society would be something that I might be able to enjoy. I know that I don't want to be stuck here or trapped here. I hope that I could return home with my own fitness, walking cardio and calisthenics. That'll be something that I could work towards, my freedom to live my life in Eskasoni. Feeling like I am on their worrylist because it's all professional. I know that much.

I know that it's all professional because I have to have a professional distancing from them. I know that I don't want anyone's sloppy seconds and I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. I know that I need to work on myself through fitness, getting on my second transplant kidney list and having my life turn out in Eskasoni.

But I know that I have to take extra precautions if I do move. I know that I have to work towards betterment of my body and live my life balanced out through fitness, walking cardio and calisthenics. I know that I could use weights and become a good fitness trainer. I know that I'm not on any woman's radar because I don't have that raw attraction in me. I know that I have to work on many areas in my life. I know that heaven changes into hell and a hell could turn into a heaven. I could've made that 74th street apartment my greatest triumphant recovery story where I know my victory and my ownership of my story.

Right now Mawita'mk Society has the narrative and I have to take it back. I have to show some backbone and get my own place. I know that emotional toxicity can keep upsetting people. And I think that's what I've done. I'm no good for anyone.

That's because of emotional, wasteful sickness that comes from a broken heart. I know that I'd experienced it long ago but I don't think I have forgiven the bitch for ruining my life. What's toxic? Emotions like fear, doubt, resentment and shame that deflates your spirit, make you forget about the good things and have a chip on your shoulder. Relationships forms the essence of a personality but they don't determine the choices. I know that I have power in my mind and I know that toxic human cultures respond in ways of emotional toxicity. The feeling of loneliness can be toxic too.

I know that there was a study on loneliness called The Roots of Loneliness. And there is statistics and data on different kinds of Loneliness. Loneliness can be my reason for leaving and I know that I don't want to leave. Loneliness versus Toxic cultures is something that I'm stuck with.

I know that I don't have any lady friend and I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles that could get a lady. I think anyways. I know that I don't meet up with any checklist or criteria for sanity and hypergamy. I know that I am not a eligible bachelor in women's eyes. I know that it's all medication-dependent. If a lady was lonely I could be something of a good company. I am disabled and have no right stuff for anything. Whatever I thought about love I know it's more complicated since I have to read all these Dr. John Gottman's books just to get a lady.

A lot of times I had to fake it to make it. It works and I know that I had a lot of good living at Mawita'mk Society. I could improve on my living by working on my fitness, building and painting. I know that using my hammer could help me build my muscles and muscular physical endurance.

The loneliness that I have I know that I'm happy where I am at but I now know that I could have relations in my bedroom. Feeling unattractive and used I know that women are opportunistic and favoristic because they absorb the stresses of society. I know that I'm not particularly good at charming women because I got nothing. I have a rich bedroom but I don't have any relationship experiences. 

With friend zones I know that I have to deal with the fact that I'd lost opportunities in this place. Kendra have put me in the friend zone because I did not match up to what she was looking for. So I have to move on and keep looking for women that would want to.

Kendra and Darren are a match made in heaven. But I think I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles because I would've had somebody by now. Internal Struggles of dating and coping is my only option.

Women have determined sex partners all this time. I know that I cannot come off passionate if I'm going to rape. I know that I don't have any choices because I am disabled. I don't have any emotional recovery and having me in a friend zone means no sexual opportunities. She's not seeing me as a sexual suitor. I know that I don't have any respect for that because I know that I don't have any way of getting out of it. Yeah I'm lonely but that don't mean I have to wait for her. I know that I don't have anything attractive because I know that I would've had a woman by now. Or some kind of experiences.

She's a bitch anyways and I know that I don't have her respect because I talk about her. We don't click because we don't have anything in common. Yeah she's beautiful but she's nothing now. I don't have powers over my own mind because everyone wants control.

Kendra and Darren are good together. I know that he will make me sick or she will tagteam on me to make me sicken. I don't have any jealousy because I know that I'm no sexual suitor. I have no sexual opportunities and they have camera knowledge. I know that I don't have that much in my life. A house, two ladies, a family, a career, a vehicle and a level of education. I don't want this place to become my forever home because I want my own place. They've actually stopped me from thinking. I know that I didn't have any support in my own feelings.

I know that I could check the video of the security cameras. And find them going into bedroom and other areas together. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles because I would've had something in the thirteen years living here. The loneliness that I have is something toxic.

My family don't have any powers over this situation. I know that they would take advantage of it and I know that I will have to deal with my loneliness still. Feeling stuck and stagnant. I know that I want to live by myself because this is my torment. I know that staff only will see me in the friend zone. I know that I don't have any respect for these workers because I know that I'm nothing sexually. They would rather treat me with the fact I'm nothing psycho-sexually. This only increases my loneliness and isolation. Culturally speaking I'm supposed to have that kind of adult freedom where healthy sexuality is available.

At least I wouldn't have this kind of torments. Knowing that there is sex out there and I cannot get any. Feeling like I'm stuck and trapped because I got nowhere to go and have no social influence to get myself a place let alone a young fresh one.

It kills me that I cannot get any country girl. I know that I'm a nerd and I have to deal with my consequences by myself. Sick and tired of this place I know that the only authority that could okay my dating is Rosie or Darlene. I know that I don't have that kind of luxury of having one-night standers because I got nothing. I know that I have been lonely and I might've shifted towards pointless jealousy. I know that I am hoping to recover from this mental health condition. I know that I want to develop from there and I know that's the major reason why people are treating me like I'm insane.

I know that loneliness can have an affect on me because I don't necessarily have any fatal attraction. I know that I'm nothing psycho-sexually and I don't have any attractive chicks on my smartphone. Everything I have gotten is a price to be paid. I know that I don't have any successes in my life.

I don't fit the criteria or checklist for hypergamy because I cannot afford anything. Whatever I may have I know that it would be taken in Eskasoni. So I'm kind of stuck here because there isn't any safety, security or protection. I know that I don't have any relationship experiences because my stepfather wanted me to struggle in my older time. I know that I don't have any connections to chicks or jobs. I know that I'm very lonely and have to go out to look for a woman. I know that Gracie was a woman I haven't tried. I know that I have to be patient and calm.

I know that I have to wait until she's on and I could ask her out. I know that these ladies give very little information to work with. I know that I don't have any idea what I'm getting myself into. Feeling alone and stuck because I got to wait until she's on. Watch this they will sicken me until I take it off. I know that I have no powers.

I know that I don't want to miss out on any chances with getting laid. I know that I don't need to right now but I feel that kind of loneliness. I know that staff have a better life than me. And I know that I am stuck with this loneliness because everyone is selfish.