Ooh Child, Heaven Changes

My first heaven I was addiction-free and happy. I was a happy child and I didn't know that my heaven could change. That's what the ooh child song meant to me. Perfection. I did not know pain and I did not have this Alexithymic Profundity of understanding and comprehension. I did not have any sensitivity towards others. I was a happy, clumsy and unrealizing little child. That's when songs made sense in a simple happiness. But that's what motivated people to harm me and make me less innocent. I know that guilt and shames stopped me from talking to my parents. I did not felt unattractive or used, I did not felt any heavy regrets or guilts.

Nobody had control over me and that's the happiness I had. I know that was shattered and destroyed when I was introduced to some people. Growing up personally in Eskasoni I had kids guiding me to people that would harm me. I don't remember names.

But I know that I did not have any anxiety or traumas. I know that I didn't have any sexual experiences. But that damn Ray wanted me to suffer because I was so happy. Clueless of the suffering of other kids. Until my cousin Ray introduced me to Hong Konging. And then went and got abused and my heart broken. I know that I don't have any respect in this world. I know that I'd changed my trajectory of my life from dying and slow death from malnourishment, to a rich and appreciative quality of life with meaning, value and significance in my life where I'd made connections with Mawita'mk Society and got my sanity back.

Now I want to see how well I was taught by family, Mawita'mk and Therapists. I know that I had a lot of struggles, malnourishment periods and moments of Insanity. My life have been extreme and normal at times. But through it all I'd had family there. Friends too.

I'd learned coping skills, doctors and books from family, therapists and friends and doctors. I know that I believe in reading. I know that I'd learned from researching what my family, doctors, therapists and friends say. It's a bad rumor that men don't read and I know that is a vicious rumor. I know that Mawita'mk women don't read. They would rather read something interesting instead expanding their mind. I know that I have tons of life skills/coping skills and healthy habits kinds of books. I don't care what they read as long as they give me my books back. I cannot stand a book away from my shelves too long. I had to retrieve a book from Darren Prosper because I had anxiety.

If I feel like they are gonna leave with my book I want it back badly. Once out of the house and not read for a period. I lose my mind and be trapped in a narrow thinking. But Mawita'mk Society opened my mind.

I'm scared to have my heart broken. Knowing that I never was beautiful or handsome. I know that I cannot have any women I want. I know that I need a Rocker chick and learning that nobody wants me to enjoy myself. I know that those miserable bastards wants to enjoy my heart broken. That's the toxicity that comes from a broken heart and a broken dream. I could live ideally at Mawita'mk Society but I get lonely too. I know a thing or two about loneliness and having no romance in my life.

I'd lost both of my parents and have been emotional wreck since I'd realized that. I know that if I could complete one task of the day, the rest of my days will fall into place. I know that if I could complete making my bed in the morning I would have done the first task of the day. Feeling lonely and missing my independence. I remember when I used to get girls in my life without smartphones.

Feeling like I've been oppressed because sexuality isn't a topic to discuss. I mean I'd masturbated many times in my life. And I had fucks during my lifetime. I know a gay Rapist would have bothered me and I know that I did not have much time for sex with these ladies because so many people wanted my damages. I know that I never was attractive enough to attract women in my life online but I had natural beauty where I had lovers in the past and a Gay Rapist. I know that in this toxic world we don't have a normal society. We have something of a myth of normalcy and feeling like they have to lie about their normalcy. I feel that I wasn't fucking all those years and Darren gots a few on me. Then again I could've had something of a soccer team if my cousin wasn't jealous.

There was plenty of reasons of doing this. I know that I could've been with a soccer team. Feeling that would've been cool.

At Mawita'mk Society I'm alone, missing my women and independence. Hoping that this kind of life grants me couple women. I know that I'm hated in Eskasoni and they don't want me to enjoy my sexuality. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. I don't have any relationship experiences or romance in my life. I know that I have been learning about opportunities in Eskasoni, Membertou and other places. In We'koqma'q community I'm nothing to these ladies and they don't want me.

I know that I didn't have any relationship experiences because I did not have any special connections or any other woman wanting me. I don't have nothing in common with these Mawita'mk people. Personally I would rather live by myself that way I could get laid. Feeling better because I got a friend from Eskasoni willing to help me.

I know that I'm no sex symbol in these ladies' eyes because I know that nobody wants me to have healthy communication skills. Feeling like that adult conversation won't happen because ladies are opportunistic and favoristic. Yeah I had my fair shares of ladies but I know that I want one. I could do better on my own because Mawita'mk Society is exaggerating my laziness. I could tell that they want me to give up on my hopes on my return to my hometown community apartment. I'm glad that Darren and Kendra found each other but c'mon man, this is work. Save your intimacy somewhere else.

I know that I cannot get Kendra because she's a country girl and I have nothing in common with her. I know that Darren and Kendra are having fun and I know that I'm lonely. I have to talk with a woman because I know that I don't have any shots with Kendra. I know that I have no shots with any of them.

It could turn into something serious. But I know it's just psycho-sexual fun and they love tormenting me. Serious professionalism is taking the job seriously and not having sex in the environment. I know that there are cameras here and they know every camera blind spot. I know that sexuality among the workers is taking lightly. And I cannot have sex because I don't have any young chick. I know that I'm not getting any because I am not tall or rich. Feeling like I don't have any friends or family willing to help out. I know that women would rather run from me because I have a natural repellant. My nerdy odor. Lol. I know that I'm nothing to these ladies because I'm not that safe bet, I'm the annoyance.

I know that I'm that charming kind of guy that has no powers of charm or delight. Feeling like I am no lady's man because I had too much sex. It ain't that.

Nobody likes my fire or knowledge. Epistemologically speaking I'm boring and have nothing interesting. I know that Mawita'mk Society is supposed to support me which I wish I never met Mawita'mk Society because I want to live by myself. I know that I want that kind of adult independence where I could have ladies in my own apartment. And having emotional intelligence enough to get the ladies through non-defensively listening. Whatever that means.

I know that I haven't got laid for thirteen years which was pity sex mostly. I know that I'm nothing to the ladies in Eskasoni and We'koqma'q communities. It's depressing as fuck and I have to deal with myself by myself. I know that I don't get to have peace or harmony with a lady. Feeling like I've never had a good fuck at all. I know that I was laughed at from couple of my male cousins.

I know that I'm a natural repellant because women and teen girls can tell that I have nothing interesting to say. All these books I read and I cannot make it interesting? I don't make women laugh or be delighted by me. 

Naturally I don't have that kind of power. That's why I'm supported to feel like I have that kind of power. Talking to women ain't my thing because I was discouraged to have anything to do with women. Hypersexuality has affected me in ways but I know that people don't want to believe in that kind of indiscriminate addiction. I was in the world of addictions, intergenerational traumatic cycle and vengeance. I don't delight women or charm them. I repel them.

I couldn't really get women because I was a nerd. I don't know smooth talking. I don't know the right smooth talking. I know that I have a way with words but I think that I could be a smooth talker to the ladies.

I know that Mawita'mk Society isn't that strict with being an adult environment. Meaning sexuality can be healthy and productive. I was traumatized when Rosie said to build something. It's not what I wanted but I think I could give it another try. Thinking that I have a builder's experience. And landscaping laborer's experience. I know that my stepfather would be mad at me for not taking these opportunities at Mawita'mk Society. At Mawita'mk Society I'm not trying to get laid because I don't have that kind of knowledge to secure a relationship. Having knowing Mawita'mk Work Program I could earn a good living from building and painting.

I know that I got experiences with building a porch, patio, deck, steps and a couple of sheds. I know that I have experience in circular saw and I know that I have building experiences with a garage bin, a signpost and a bus shelter.

If I could practice these skills and make the best out of my opportunities in Mawita'mk Work Program at Mawita'mk Society. I could have a professional builder's reputation in We'koqma'q community. I know that I could have that kind of opportunities in We'koqma'q community. A professional reputation where I do quality work. Feeling like I got plenty of support here and the inflation rate. I know that the socioeconomic realities of this globe is starting to show. I know that I don't like Mawita'mk Society's monitoring and patrolling and controlling. But I have to take what I could because I know that I need to have my full life. I have wisdom where I could use it when I please. I know that I have that kind of training and teachings. I know those medical training I got to stay on my diet.

Feeling like I had to deal with Mawita'mk Society because I cannot prove my life skills or routines-building skills.

Feeling kind of trapped and stuck because I got no reasons to walk. I know that I've done things that would impress people. Growing personally accustomed to living in Eskasoni I know that I could've made it if I had a smartphone. Forceful confinement because they didn't expect me to wanting to move out. 

I know that I want to have my own place and build what I could. I know that now I old ask Rosie to let me practice my building skills because I know that way I have to prove big time. There is wisdom in healing from toxicity and a broken heart. Yeah there is inflation rates but I could build professionally for my hometown community.

But I want to see how far I could make this opportunity happen with Rosie. Even though I haven't proven myself yet. I want to prove that I could make garabge bins, sheds, gazebos and other things. I know that I haven't proven that I could get one night standers.

But I know that I could build picnic tables, benches and chairs. I just need a blueprints. I want to be owed money and have that prolific building. Hopefully I can prove myself at Mawita'mk Society and then move on to better things. I know that I want to prove myself at Mawita'mk Society so that way they could take me off their worrylist. When I do get fit through manual labor I hope that Rosie could understand I was traumatized. And I needed a break from building. I know that I was sexually available when I was in Eskasoni but I couldn't really keep my independence because I was insane. The time that I had to do the things that I needed to do now became something of a chore.

Having the ideas presented to me in ways where I could have a better home with my apartment experiences. Every apartment experiences I had I didn't have online accounts to access shopping and banking.

Where I could've communicate on my smartphone and learn languages. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. But I could build a home because that's what I'm learning from Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can earn Mawita'mk Society's trust to live by myself. I want to move out and build. I know this will be my goal: to improve on areas of my life where u could have a better quality of life through Fitness, Walking cardio, lifting weights and calisthenics. I hope that I could mix the exercises into a full body exercises and have my life built around moving back home with my NSCC Culinary Skills Certificate program, NSCC Bartending and Mixology Certificate program and Cape Breton University's Bachelor of Arts degree program. 

With a full driver's license and a job lined up. I know that I want a rich life in Eskasoni where I could drive up to Membertou and work. I don't click well with Kendra and Darren. And when it is Kendra alone I have nothing to say to her. I know this because I've experienced everything during my years at Mawita'mk Society. I don't have any great commands here and I don't have any charms or delights. I am an nerdy little bug who cannot get laid because the dating scene has changed drastically. Now I don't know the rules or what's going on. I know there is too much toxicity and sicknesses in this life to have a regular dating game. 

I know that me and Kendra don't match because I'm a intellectual, heavy metal philosopher and a criminal's psychologist through creativity and intelligence. Getting that feeling that she doesn't want to talk to me I know that they don't want to support me in anything. I don't want to be supported in that because I want the true feelings from Mawita'mk staff. I'm a little weirdo and they don't feel comfortable around me. No woman in their right mind would feel comfortable around me because I'm damned. 

I know that I don't know Kendra too well. For Christ's sake I don't know anyone here. I haven't followed anyone's stories and it's from a lack of trying. I don't want to know because I know that these kinds of people are petty and prejudicial in their own homes. I know that I'm not their real friends because it's a professional distancing. I want to get the hell out of here where I will be welcomed by genuine friends from my childhood. 

I know that authentic friendships are something honest and true. Which I haven't been doing with Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have been living here for thirteen years and in their truest forms I'm a nobody. There is that professional distancing that I have to deal with. And I know that I'm happy with that. It means I don't have to learn any unnecessary lives. 

Me and certain workers don't click. They are too simple minded and ignorant. I know that they don't bother with anything. Thoughts about how my friends would talk with me. Torments of my past was that I would be alone. I know that I'd enjoyed solitude but not loneliness. But other workers do click and we talk for hours. 

That professional distancing is a necessity, not a curse. And the people I do click with(Not Darren Prosper or Kendra or other workers), I want to get to know their homes and their lifestyles. What makes them pretty smart. I don't want anything forced or coerced. I want it to be natural flow as possible. 

Now I have this thing where I like to stay in my bedroom because I got way more interesting stuff there. I know that we don't talk about political influences or anything like that. I know that they love rumors and gossips and I cannot believe that a guy loves that too. Feeling like I am stuck here because it's a better option. Well I know a thing or two with building. 

She says that I could bring ladies to this place but I don't think that she has authority over this place. People that I could talk to are people in dialysis, Evelyn and Shauna, Jessica and Jennifer. And people willing go talk with me at the lobby. We don't click or connect because we are two different people. I know that I don't like rumors or gossips. And feeling like I'm stuck and trapped here because I cannot figure out that inflation rate thing. Connie too. 

I'm just spinning the truth here and don't have any reasons to talk. It's like I've been through this before and even Darren haven't made any headway. I know that I don't have the same interests with him. The efforts are being that I read books and ebooks, the audiobooks I'd listened to. That's what I want to talk about. The current political influences over the war and how much money they are making. 

I know that people haven't made any real connections with me because I have to be reasonable. I know that I don't have any respect for certain workers and I know that I have to deal with their trite lifestyles. Yeah I'm languishing at Mawita'mk Society because there isn't any real motivation to get out of here. It used to motivate me big time but Rosie took that kind of power away and made me languish.

I know that I am depressed, grieving and lonely. I am in no mood to exercise or live my life at Mawita'mk Society. Especially with people wanting to trap me here for stupid reasons, selfish reasons. I know that I cannot self-support because there is no real motivation. And I have to figure out that damn inflation rates. Feeling like I'm stuck here because I got no skills or powers to live my life in Eskasoni. 

I know that I haven't been able to do much. Nobody wanted me and I know that much because I would've had somebody in my life. I'm languishing, depressed, lonely and grieving. I don't have any reasons to do fitness and no, my health isn't important enough. I want out and I know that being here is the reasons why I cannot get laid. Feeling like I am no stranger to love but I don't have any because I was used and unappealing. 

Somehow I ended up on their worrylist and I know that with certain workers I get to talk. I know that I don't need to be on their worrylist because I know that I'm nothing in their eyes. I am an intellectual authority and I know that I want to deal with certain people at Mawita'mk Society. They don't make ant headway because they are way too busy. I want out because I don't get to talk about anything I want. 

I don't know the dating scene. I'd never known it because I did not appear on it. Having no attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles I know that women practice hypergamy. They are opportunistic and favoristic which I know that I cannot stop. I know that I'm still hoping for a relationship in such a toxic world. I know that I don't have any relationship experiences because I wasn't relationship materials. I don't get one-night standers and I know that I'm still that ugly bastard that haven't gotten any. 

In such a human toxic culture I cannot seem to get laid let alone get a woman. I know that I don't have any powers of charms or conversations of delight. I am an heavy weight and don't have anything attractive like qualities, characteristics, muscles or traits. 

I'm a poor bastard that cannot afford professional matchmakers. Or afford my dating apps. I know that I'm nothing to these ladies and I have been celibate for thirteen years, living ideally without a woman. 

I've been out of the dating game because I was focused on myself. I had to deal with malnourishment, traumas, losses, and emotional damages that I had to deal with. I know that I had to get my weight back and work on my sobriety. Thirteen years and I know that there is no more traumas. I have to get back into the dating game. 

I know that she says I have command here but I know that Darren has more power than me. I know that all he has to do is knock on my door or make me feel sick to control me. There isn't ant freedom to write or have what I want to say on this. I know this because I've experienced it. 

I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. I know that I'm something of an reject because I don't know the dating game. Nobody wants me dating and I know that I'm less happy here because I cannot bring a woman here. So I do think. 

Nobody has that kind of authority but the people in charge of this place. I know that I want to move on out of here because I got nothing here. Feeling like I've overstayed my welcome and having no romance or anything attractive for ladies here. I know that I need my own place because I could bring women there. 

I know that no man in my life would help me get a chick because they are all selfish bastards. Feeling like I got no one at my corner and having no support in that, I know that I have to be on my own to get laid. Knowing that nobody's willing to help out and knowing that I'm on my own. I have to do everything myself and have nobody at my corner. 

Maybe my cousin Eddie but nobody so far. I know that I could try talking with the ladies. I want a young one and I hope that I could start something with her. I know that the eggs are still fresh and I hope that I could get something going for me.