Simple Happiness: Richer, Higher and Stronger, a Fuller Quality of life part 2

I know that I am glad that I've made it this far. And I know that I had all these life experiences and heartache. I know that I love where I'm at because of safety and security here. But sometimes I miss my hometown apartment because I had sex in there. And I know that I'm Unattractive here. I have to go back because nobody wants that adult conversation where they bring something to the table. I will be alone and single. I have to develop from that. I know that I live ideally simple on my own. And I don't want to give that up.

I know that I've been richer in experiences, had higher learning and was stronger. I know that I need to work on my fitness and have sex. Feeling that Mawita'mk Society won't relent because I know that they want to keep their innocence. I know that I cannot get certain women and that I accept. So I just got to keep going with my own pursuits.

I feel like they are more efforts to be played here. I don't know their plays and I hope that I could get something going for me. I feel that I'm below the women here because I was a child addict. Losing my virginity to some bimbo who didn't care for me is something that I'd learned from. I know that I didn't proceed to a relationship status with anyone. I know that I wasn't attractive enough to get laid that much. And I know that I did not have any special connections with certain individuals..I feel that I have no special connections because I never was attractive enough to snag a woman.

I haven't driven home and I know that I haven't accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. I know that I've been through this before and I know that I don't have any minutes or great accomplishments in my time. Feeling like I never was a person of interest business-wise.

And I did not have any business knowledge. I know that my stepfather deprived me in so many ways. Legitimate concerns about my well-being was valid but my stepfather kept on perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Once I get a young lady in I will see what changes are there. I know that my stepfather didn't want to give in to pressure and I know that he wanted control. Mawita'mk Society is his management and I know that I don't want it because I want my own life together, built and made.

It was your attraction that I felt. You wanted me to empathize with the fact that you were attracted to somebody else. I don't know what you want out of me but this torment cannot go on forever. It has to stop and I know it isn't love that I'm attracted to. It's lust and I don't want that for you. You are a beautiful woman. And I don't think you completely understand my heart strings.

You're tugging on them and I know that you want to be friends. There is no hope for any relationship here. I know that you and a certain worker is doing it together. I know that I'm not in the picture and I know that I want my independence so this torment would stop.

But at the same time I know that I want my independence because I want to have sex partners again. That kind of freedom and independence I used to have in my life was beautiful, freeing and had a lot of good experiences. I know that Mawita'mk Society don't approve of sex and I have to deal with that until I do move.

Anyways I know that I don't have any raw attraction to anyone. I want to be something of on my own and hopefully live my life confidently. I know that I don't have anything safe in Eskasoni. Feeling like I've been through crap so that everyone can reinforce it into my life.

I read books like Trauma and Addiction because my life has been an on-again and off-again addictions. I want that deep psychological insights and that terminologies that go with it. I have this Alexithymic Profundity where I'm happy about the amount of reading experiences I have. And having emotional literacy and emotional intelligence I know that I have a good time at Mawita'mk Society. To cope healthily and to live life meaningfully with value, merits, favors, worth and significance. I know that I have a culture on my life to help me read these kinds of books. Wholistic versus holistic and stuff like that.

I know that the profound deep knowledge and insights that I have contained in my books, eBooks and audiobooks. I know that I have a good reading experience because I want to be well read. With fictions, non-fictions and autobiographies.

Everyone here don't care if I do get angry and disconcerted. I know that I've been handling myself in ways where ageism and powers of their age traits have been oppressive, suppressive and repressive. I know that I don't have any emotional expression and I'm dictated like I'm part of some kind of prison. I cannot have the right support or acknowledgements of my ability to wake myself up. Generational different women disconcerted me and I know that I don't have any respect for certain workers. My anger is because everyone is coming at me at opportune moments. I know that the psychology of my support isn't meant to badger me but that's what it feel likes.

I need to fuck but nobody wants to because everyone wants money. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits. The evidences just keep piling on.

I know that childhood trauma can be psycho-sexual, emotional, physical and mental. I know that I never was independent enough to fight off addicts in my life. Or sexy enough that a woman would come up and asks me. 

That belongs to my family which I couldn't have my own attractive qualities or characteristics or traits. I know that I haven't been a fatal attraction because I've been malnourished, beaten and addicted. I know that my stepfather has discriminated against me because I never was independent enough to defend myself. Originally from Eskasoni I know that people didn't want to leave me with ladies and have my single life.

I know for thirteen years I never had any fun, adventure, play, humor, interest, excitement, lust or passion with a woman for the amount of time I've been here. I know that I'm not attractive enough to have all that in my life. I know that belongs to my male cousins.

Feeling unattractive and used I know that I'm nobody to these ladies in We'koqma'q community and surrounding areas. Feeling like I cannot drive to a woman's place because I got no car or truck. I have no vehicle and I'm not working. I don't have my own place and I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits. Feeling like I had a richer experience in Eskasoni I know that now I have higher learning and a stronger support system. Which I don't want to rely on because I want my independence.

I know that I haven't had sex in thirteen years and counting. I know that this has been the dry spell that has lasted for thirteen years. Nobody wants me and that's been a fact I've felt all these years. Nobody wanted me and I know that hypersexuality has affected me where I was chewed up and spit out. I know that I wasn't really attractive enough to stay in the game of dating.

Plus Mawita'mk Society doesn't want me to bring a woman to my bedroom. Feeling unattractive, stuck and trapped, professionally stagnant and psycho-sexually quiescent. I know that I've been living here for thirteen years and I was told that I couldn't really get a date because I am not in shape. Women are opportunistic, superficial( because they want a muscular kind of guy) and they are picky. I'm glad that Kendra and Darren found each other but I know that I don't want that. A country girl telling a rocker what music to listen to. Damn this world gotten sensitive. Cannot tell a woman I want rock because most of these bastards are country. I hate it.

I'm not trying to attract those girls. I want a rocker chick who had experienced rock concerts. Have life experiences and knows survival skills. Have the bravery to have an adult conversation.

A Gothic rocker who has that Mi'kmaq/Gothic rocker fashion for me. And a good sense of workethic and sense of purpose well spent. Hopefully there is a generationally good woman out there that knows her stuff and have a good mind on her shoulders. To appreciate a ideally good simple relationship. Sharing my life with this kind of chick and having a black suit because of her. I know that I could enjoy a sexual, romantic relationship with her. Until I meet such a woman I know that I have to deal with country chicks' music. I know that I appreciate them because they are support staff mentality. But that's groupthink and I don't want to deal with that.

I want to live by myself where I could have my breaks from Mawita'mk Society. I know that I am grieving and sadden but I know that I want to live my life to the fullest potential. And I know that I'm not doing that here. I know that I'm feeling valued, loved and appreciated and I love, value and appreciate right back. Feeling like my real dad wanted me to be sociable but careful. 

I know that I had to choose from online rocker chicks. I know that I got along with a chick that listened to pop music like Rhythm of the Night and 90s pop music. I know that I never was interesting because I never met anyone famous or had any interesting topics to talk about. I know that I cannot attract these country chicks because I'm not really attractive enough to get them to be unfaithful or walk up to me to ask me out. I never invested my time in women because they came to me. At first they did but soon wanted me to stop feeling. 

I have to live ideally simplified and organized in ways of routines if I was to live in Eskasoni. And I know that kind of workload isn't what I want because I don't think Mawita'mk Society wants me to be stronger, richer and higher in my life skills and routines. I know that I have been living here for thirteen years and accomplished a few things in my life. Not what I wanted but I know that I wanted to move back home as soon as I had a level of education and employability, full driver's license, fitness and car, second transplant kidney and full-time employment. 

I know that a simple happiness would be a richer life experiences, higher learning in my books, eBooks and audiobooks. A stronger fitness and physical muscular body. I want to balance out my meals through fitness and walking cardio. I know that I could live a more fuller quality of life at Mawita'mk Society through fitness and walking cardio. 

But I know that I keep missing opportunities because nobody wants to have that kind of adult conversation where they talk about what they bring to the table. I know this because I got no respect from women to have said conversation. And what they want out of a man. Women are opportunistic, favoristic and superficial. I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. I am an average Joe who don't have any more survival instincts because I need to exercise. 

I'm no lady's man because I don't get the women I would want. I know that I'm still learning about women, relationships, hypersexuality, hypergamy/hypogamy and the toxic culture in human society. I know that traumas and illnesses have played a major role in choosing a mate. But I know that I've been learning about types of relationship, types of love and levels of trust. And comforts. I am learning about dating, courtship and romance. 

I know that people change my thinking, my tough mentality and make me sensitive to work instead of having a workethic. I know it depends on the attitude of something to do but I feel that I never was respected in that area; psychologically speaking. Nobody wanted me to have my own influences and powers over my own mind. 

I don't want to be weak and powerless over my love. I know that I'm something like that old heart broken captain who never pursued a family life to have culturally meaning, value and significance in my life. I know that I cannot open up because I am online. My story is online and not oral. Meaning that I will never open up again. My story is out there.