The Studies Of Hell, Love and Grief

I'm not in love but heart broken. I had many losses in my life. Positive changes to my life but sadden ones at the same time. Grief comes in many forms and relationships. And I know that the causes are moving from parents, moving from hometown, death of pet, starting a new school, death of a former spouse, marriage, graduation, end of addictions, major health changes(Life changes), retirement, financial changes-positive or negative, holidays, legal problems, family deaths, and empty nest. These are common factors of grief and I know that I haven't been able grieve properly.

When you're addicted for so long there is a paradigm shift in perception of reality. A few times this has happened and I know that addictions comes easier because I had nothing to do. Hell has no fury like my biological mother's rage. I know that she willed everything out of me.

And had that kind of connection where we have been telling each other everything. I was a mirror in space floating and reflecting everything she needed. I know that I have been through hell and build a heaven through my own hell. I love John Milton's work Paradise Lost. I knew that heaven could change into hell and hell from the ashes build heaven. Like the Phoenix in Arabian funeral pyre I have survived many times. I know that I have changed my heaven, adjusted in hell and went through the intergenerational traumatic cycles over and over again. Just to rise again.

At Mawita'mk Society it's up to me whether I listen to the support. Obey them has 

 been my difficult suit. They've haven't seen me with a motivation, workethic and dedication to a fitness. They haven't seen me committed myself to something. I know that I have many changes to my life and in that I had to deal with grief.

But now I have this Grief Recovery Handbook that I could buy. My heart has been broken many times. And I know that I had to deal with the pains of grief by myself. I know that I haven't been able to love properly because I haven't learned any relationship knowledge. I know that I have an extent of that relationship knowledge but nothing too significant. I know there isn't no fraternizing among the clients. I know that I cannot date any of the staff member. It's truly unprofessional and they've kept up with such a degree of professionalism that they haven't been affected by me.

Many professionals have been consulting, guiding and working on my litany of losses and pains when they have presented. I know that I see Mike MacInnis because I know that I have been learning about doctors who have published from him. I know that I got plenty of books to read from.

Feeling like I have to choose from certain people because I have no choices. I have no bitches on my smartphone. I know that I don't play like that because this world has a human toxic culture and society. Meaning sexuality is hard to come by because I am the smallest guy. I have no loving because I don't fit any criteria or checklist for hypergamy. I know that I'm poor, broke and not rich. I am not the favorite child of We'koqma'q community. Hell I am not the favorite child if Eskasoni. God damn Chief and Council don't care for me. I know this because I have nothing from them. Yeah they have a better infrastructure but because I was uneducated I was toss to the side.

But I didn't get a job in time to save my reputation. I know that my stepuncles have exploited that knowledge and wanting to make things worst. I know that they have thrown me under the bus.

Because they didn't want no responsibilities of ruining my life. I know that they are the ones who wants hypersexuality to rule my life. And my stepfather didn't want anything to do with my sex life. He was way too busy cheating on his wife. I'm tired, twisted and grieving. I know that I have to learn my place in this world when my real father passes. And he have because of sicknesses. I know that I'm loved and cherished, not by Mawita'mk Society but by family. Having nieces and nephews I know that I cannot have any relationships because my sisters deem it. I know that I don't have any bitches because in this toxic culture and inflation rate, there have to be reasons for hypergamy.

I know that I'm less attractive because I don't have what my cousins have. I am that kind of loser. I don't have what my younger brothers have because I am that kind of loser. I know now I have a smartphone.

And have no women on it that I could fuck. I know that I got nothing. I have no connections with family and friends. I have no resources or anything to get a woman or women. 

Hypersexuality isn't my curse, it's my insecurities and I know that I don't have any good experiences because I never had anything young. Grief work takes some time to work at it. And realizing what kind of loser I am, I know that I will never attract a woman in my life because women are opportunistic and favoristic. They haven't proven otherwise and my selfish cousins don't care for me. My sexual health is nothing to them because I know that they laugh at my misfortunes. I never had any bitches or booty calls.

In this toxic world the competition for anything is dangerous. I am a disabled and broken nerd who cannot get laid because I broken too many hearts when I wanted pussy. I am stuck where I'm at.

All those years when I could've gotten laid I know that I don't have anything attractive because they would've came by the dozen. I know that I don't have anything because I am a reject. Nobody wants me because I am a nerd. Everyone have relationship experiences and I know that I'm single. I don't want to realize that because I know that I cannot get anything that my cousins could get. I am not that handsome. My hell is that I've been alone and single most of my life where people try to take over my life. I did not enjoy myself because people and family tried to take over my Financials and fuck them up big time. I know that they've done that and I know that I did not have any jobs.

I was worriless because I did not compare my life with others. I was ideally happy and oblivious to my ugliness. I know that I am less attractive because no woman have tried me all those years.

I know with smartphone technology I have learned my esteem among women. My value is that I'm too freaking ugly to be considered a fuckable or doable type. I know that I had very little but I was happy. I did not know who was coming to my place. Now? I am mad that Audrey and Trent Nicholas scared most of the women off because they wanted me. It wasn't love they were coming at me with but lust. A gay Rapist and an older woman. Everyone has too much sexist ideas about sex and they have too much classist warfare to involve me. I know that people don't care for me because I never had any sex on a regular basis.

I know that all the pretty ladies didn't want anything to do with me. Plus everyone was exploiting women that did wanted me. I know that my family never cared about my sexual health because they took advantage of everything. I know that I was trapped.

I know that I don't have any family resources because I would've had jobs long ago. I know that I don't have any family resources because I would've had connections to women. I know that family and friends are useless and I cannot get rid of them. I know that I don't have any respect for my sexuality because I never had any pretty girl come at me. I had them trying to get me in trouble but nothing too serious. I was taught not to defend myself against people. Or have a standing. I know that I have lived a deprived childhood and I know that I couldn't really enjoy myself.

I broke hearts but I know that they wanted it. Feeling like all women are opportunistic and favoristic because they chose their battles and psychological moments. I know that dark psychological tactics is what they use to keep me down. I know that I don't have any psycho-sexual attraction or anything.

I have to deal with sexism, misandry, classism, hypergamy, racism, traumas, losses and grief. I don't get a good fuck because everyone don't want me to enjoy my sexuality. That was me when I'd learned about smartphone capabilities and how women have interest in texting. I am not interesting at all. Confidence don't play any role in my life and I have selfish bastards for cousins and brothers. I know that I have to be compassionate and understanding. But empathy is getting that they are happy with their selfishness. I know that I never had any bitches in my life. For Christ's sake I just got a smartphone in 2019 and wasted years fixing myself. Oh wait that's a good thing right?

Yeah I'd learned the depths of my ugliness. And yeah I know that I'm defenseless against toxic women. I know there is a network of women controlling men through sex and not sharing. Or they are truly selfish.

I know that I have talked with women, pretty ones too. Knowing now they don't want anything to do with me. Torments of my past was loneliness and I know that people are ugly on the inside. They, too don't care for my sexual well-being. I am sicken because I cannot get any women on my phone. My sisters deemed it right I have nothing. 

Everyone thought it would make me more aware of my ugliness. Like I needed that! I don't know the dating scene and I don't think anyone could help me with my dating. I cannot even get it started. I don't care for an older lady. I want a younger one. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. That's why I cannot get bitches or ladies on my smartphone.

I cannot afford Tinder or any dating apps. I know that I am a disadvantage because I am disabled. I know that I want to move.

But that's a useless move too because I got no kidney. Mawita'mk Society isn't willing to pay for any dating apps because it could mean I'm gone. I know that the Tinder women don't give two shits about my mental health or sexual well-being. I know that I don't have any money because I don't need to make any money. All my essentials are taking care of and as long as I have these disabilities I am trapped and stuck here because I got no economic progress. I know that I cannot make a better life for myself in any means because I have no kidney and Rosie won't let me.

I cannot stress enough about the works of Dr. Gabor Matè. His book The Myth of Normal is about a toxic human-scale culture and society. And how our cellular development over the years make up diseases possibly formed in our bodies through stress. I should note there is good stress and bad stress.

The good stress is called eustress and the bad stress is called distress. I know that he talks how our bodies absorbs stress through cells and how receptive we really are to stress. High levels of stress in bad experience can define our diseases because there have been miraculous recoveries. I know that I have experienced stressors before but professionally stagnant for years. I know that I was stuck where I was because my stepfather held me back in so many ways. I know that I couldn't really do anything because my stepfather never believed in me at the time. Knowing how he felt, I forgot about my real dad who believed in my abilities.

My stepfather knew me all those years and couldn't find a single reason to support me. So I had to go hyper-independent. Nobody took the fight in me. I know that I have to work at my own fitness myself.

I know that my cousins aren't that selfish because they get their dates on Tinder. Feeling deprived, angry that I'm cheated out of my youth opportunities and deprived of social opportunities. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles. I never know though I might have something charming. 

Grief and loneliness is motivating me to write all this. I know that I never had any high school sweet heart or had any relationship experiences because I never was independent enough to get my own Nova Scotia Driver's Handbook. My stepfather left that up to me and never helped me out with the essentials of driving. I know that without a smartphone I had some lady friends. 

I know that I want jobs. I want to be professionally careered and a professional service to people. I want to be professionally skilled in cooking, plumbing, landscaping, bartending and baking. Hopefully I can have a professional good reputation and a few good awards for being a good professional. I want to be a skilled, veteran professional worker and have that kind of workethic and dedication to my professional schedule.