Change of Plans

With the Starlight Tours, Seven Fallen Feathers and Indian Residential Schools. The Sixties Scoop, the Millennium Scoop, Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women, the Indian Day Schools and thats some things I know that my biological mother went through. I know that I don't know anniversaries, birthdays or other blessings to celebrate her. She has been broken before and I cannot find out her past. I know that I had to learn coping skills from Eskasoni Rehab. I know that I'm not that attractive because I would've had a woman. Nobody wants me to be respected because I know that I don't command it. But I know that my family makes me feel comfortable and safe.

It's Darren and Kendra's business if they want to pursue a sexual romantic relationship. But I know that I don't have to witness certain things in this place. They could save their romancing outside of Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I don't fit any criteria or checklist for hypergamic "good boy". I know that I'm stuck here and cannot drive home. Feeling kind of stuck and have other women to pursue I know that Kendra wouldn't of picked me because I'm not talking or clicking with her. I know that we don't have any chemistry because I don't need anyone to worry about me. I don't care if they are helping out, I want out because I know about the intersubjective science of relationship. I know that I don't match any quality boyfriend materials for her. I just have to deal with my feelings productively.

I know that I had some loving in my time in Eskasoni but not too much. I know that I want her to feel comfortably loving Darren. I know that I have a few women to choose from I think anyways. I know that they're sex life have reached from the bedroom to the house. I hate it and I don't care if they are in control.

I want them to stop it and quit giving each other kisses. They don't need each other that badly. She don't even want me so I might as well look somewhere else. I know that I need to start living my life without Mawita'mk Society's care. I know that I knew too much and I had to fake it to make it. I am lonely, I am grieving, I have isolation here and I don't have any sex partners. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. I know that my stepmother wouldn't want me to move out. 

With the knowledge I have now and how unattractive I am to Kendra. That hurt my ego but I could survive without her.

I don't want to be on anyone's worrylists because I know that I am lonely. And yeah I was romanticizing about her and me. I know that I don't have any chance with her because there isn't any great genetics that would make her mine.

I know that I was jealous of Darren but as I realize that I got no ties here. I know that I need to make the best out of my loneliness. I know that because I haven't much women in my life, I know that I feel cheated out of my youth opportunities. I know that I didn't have parties or social gatherings at my place. I couldn't because of my old childhood friends who never wanted me to live my life. She's giving up a good guy which she has no care about, only professionally. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. I know that I'm a small little nerdy guy who cannot have any woman I would want.

In her eyes I'm some kind of loser. I don't attract her and I don't interest her. I know that I have to choose from the available women that I don't know where. I know that I will be happy elsewhere. This place has drained me of my life.

I know that if I do move I could get myself a lady friend. I know that I would have better luck with my sister's friend than have better luck with Kendra. She's a country girl that I don't think that I will ever get because she likes what she likes and I need a rocker chick. 

I have to deal with the fact that I'm Unattractive in her eyes and I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. I know with grief people need to be heard and acknowledged. I want a woman that could set my soul on fire. I know that I don't have that in my life. I need to get back into scheduling again. I need to plan my days out better and quicker.

I know that I need to get a rocker chick. I know that I could go exploring this country for something. The more I stay here the more I see the reasons building up for a case of Loneliness, Independence and Freedom. I know that I don't have any reason.

I have no reason to chase after her and I know that I have to build a life without having her in it.i want to forget that I was ever attracted to her. It's humiliating and my defeat. Their intimacy should be saved for hone when they have all that time to fuck and other things. I should have my own place because I know that I don't want to live her with them doing it all the time. Despite what I feel I am unsure of what my options are. I know that I have to convince sone twenty year old that a relationship with me is good. I know that I don't have any respect in regards to living my life.

In this online world it seems that I cannot attract a woman because I don't dare to interest them in me. I know that I don't have any opportunities or anything like that. I know that I want a fine young thing. And no! The direct approach don't work. Feeling like I've been cheated out of my youth opportunities.

I know that my stepfather didn't count on addictions being that great in my life. I could say that I'd suffered for nothing because some girl in my childhood wanted me to have a broken heart. And suffer for the rest of my life. I know that a criminal won't admit he or she is wrong. That's half of the population in this world. Well not half, everyone on planet earth is like that. They won't admit their  wrongs or emotional damages. I know that I don't have any good support workers here. 

They do the bare minimum and I have to figure out what I want out of life. It seems like everyone has an opinion and I don't have any respect to live my life. I know that I cannot fuck around with Mawita'mk Society staff because they love each other.

I know that I'm no interest to them. I'm just a pay check that I have to deal with. Yeah they could prove their usefulness, merits and worthiness. But I need to be on my own.
I know that I want to move because of my loneliness. Mawita'mk Society is losing me and I am grieving, lonely and broke. It seems that I'll need to get my Eskasoni Welfare and scheme on the side. Feeling like I have a lot of reasons to stay here because of my things. 

And my body. I'm scared of a tall, fat bastard who wants me to be his bitch. I am straight and don't have any respect to live my life with females. I need a good fuck to forget about a certain individual. I know that I have been stuck and trapped here while these motherfuckers take vacations and earn a good living. I know that I don't have any income, house, driveway, yard, family, career, full driver's license and job experience and half of my goals accomplished. I know that I'm being intentionally held back because I haven't proven myself yet.

I know that I never had a forgiving father. I've been harshly treated.

I don't meet up with the criteria or checklist for hypergamy or the good boy. I know in We'koqma'q I'm nobody and I have to move because I got nobody here. Feeling like I was cheated put of proms and night sex. I know that I was because I did not have any sex. 

Feeling celibate and stuck. I know that I don't have anything attractive because I would've gotten a girl already or gotten that Kendra lady. That bitch though I know that I don't want her in my life anymore. And Darren could go kill himself. I know that I don't fit Amy criteria or checklist for hypergamy. And women would've been all over me if the opposite were true.

I know that certain women don't wantba man that is short, ugly and broke. I've faced that reality. I know that my value is dictated by socioeconomic market realities. I know a thing or two about jobs and how I should be explorative with my own life.

I did not get that chance to explore my world and see what's out there. No! I did not get that chance. I know that generationally I have discovered my powers. I know that I hadn't explored this planet in search of self-control, the Power of Discipline and a good three meals a day on my own. No, I haven't really seen my powers to live my life how I see fit. 

Without hypersexuality and other addictions. I know that I don't have any powers in my life and over my own mind. Standin' in an inferno chanting "my life isn't over". I know that I have to be seeping my plans and hopefully move back home where I could be a soldier. I know that the pastor master of my life wants me to have composure. Because I know that I don't mixed with other natives and I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. I know that hypergamic good boy is having incomes, royalties, house, driveway and car, full driver's license and job experience. And a level of formal education.
I know that I never get the first choice of a woman I want. I know that I have to bite and scrap for whatever happiness I have. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. 

But I know that I'm still growing emotionally and physically. Be aware of the ladies around me and have no motherfucking sex with them because I am that kind of loser. I know that I didn't have any car or a place of my own. And Fran and Adrienne didn't want me to figure out what I need to do. I had apartment experiences but I couldn't do anything. I know that I did not have any good woman.

I know that I would have plenty of choices. This is just one girl and I know that I could get a place of my own. I know that today and in January it was painful reminder that I don't have her. Ah! Just as well I know that I have to make my world. I know that I need to fight a lot of women.

I just need a good fuck and return to my home. I've been resilient before and I am tough. I know that I have plenty of women to choose from but I don't think that I would have better life at Mawita'mk Society. They have holistically plateaued. I know that I have a couple of women in mind to help me get over this rejection and heart break. I wanna come home and make my life in Eskasoni. 

Until I can have my own car I hope that I could hustle and work. I know that I have been rejected too many times and smashed my heart. But Darren don't want me to embrace that heart break. I know that he is the hypergamic good boy. And he has a job, an income, house, driveway, truck and family.

I know that I don't have what he has and plus he is tall. Probably had more sex than me. I know that Mawita'mk Society cannot account for loneliness. I know that I need a good woman.

Being an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has accomplished past in We'koqma'q community. I know that if I am not doing stuff for my own education. I don't want to be here. I never had any glorious summer of sexuality. I know that I need to work on my life and education. I have a level of education and employability that I could use in Eskasoni. But the longer I'm stuck in Mawita'mk Society the more I don't want to live. I am lonely, grieving, homesick and getting tired of Mawita'mk Society. The more I live in Eskasoni the more reasons I could get walking on my errands like grocery and stuff. 

The level of homesickness I have is something that motivated me to hate Darren and Kendra. They are home and in love.

Me? I'm sadden all over and my miserable life they've taken apart. I know that I haven't been able to drive myself. I know that I did not travel Canada by myself. 

I know that I would make a perfect mate for her. I study and read, research and invest my time. Bur she made her decision and I know that I'm nothing to this side of the ladies. I know that I'm no good with non-natives. I have to make a reasonable case, work extra hard on my case and have nothing still. Darren is somebody to these kinds of ladies. 

I couldn't go this weekend to my stepfather's place. I really needed to, too. Hopefully there is next weekend. I know that I have been learning about women, relationship, types of relationships, dating and coping. I know that I don't have anything attractive because I would've had women by now. 

I know that if I had some kind of shot and I was aware of it. I would seize the opportunity and make it my own. But seeing that I don't have any opportunities and she keeps refusing me. I know that I could change my life plans, life goals and Goals of Independence. And make them into a bachelor. I could have sex again. 

I know that I don't fit any checklist or criteria for hypergamic "good boy". The idea that a "good boy" is referenced so many times and being that good boy. Ah! First time I met her I knew it was impossible to have. I never had any relationship experience or anything experienced. But I knew that she was something. I don't want to be her boyfriend but man. Ah! I never get what I want anyways. 

I want to move anyways. I'm getting cramped here and I don't have any respect. I know that I need to live my life how I see fit. I have connections in Eskasoni to get laid. I know that I don't have any good genetics to make it good. I am short, broke and ugly. I haven't accomplished much goals I wanted to. 

I could do without technology or WiFi. But I know that people wouldn't be talking with me. I know that I would walk a lot more for my errands and groceries. I know that I  old order from an app. I know that I don't have any powers to stop people from doing certain things. I knew right from the start Darren and Kendra were compatible because they both liked country. I don't have to tell ya the height requirements and beauty needs. 

She put me in the friend zone and there isn't any escape from that. So she made it clear she doesn't want me. I would've felt an instant attraction with her. But I am nothing to her but a client. So I hope that I could get laid somewhere. 

If I could express some love to her I would take that and cherished it. I know what's it like to not have a woman I want. Nobody wants me to process my feelings. There is more reasons to move than staying. I know that i could provide for myself and learn all my business opportunities in Eskasoni. I know that I could do more stuff on my own. The range of doing is significantly higher than Mawita'mk Society. Rosie holds me back because she wants me to focus on my body.

I know that I'm the Unattractive one because I would've had a woman by now. Feeling like I don't have any respect for living my life because they want one less worry off their lists. I don't want to be on anyone's worrylists. I want to live my life how I see fit. They got me disempowered to move. 

I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height in her eyes. So now I gotta move on and move out because I know that Mawita'mk Society won't choose me over her. I'd cared but I don't have that much body count in my life. So I'm going for more. 

I know that I don't need Mawita'mk Society because I got the largest Mi'kmaq community as a hometown, with a better infrastructure and business opportunities. People want me to mean it. I have to match the physical muscles with the intensity of feelings to hurt. I know that I have a nerd's rage because I was beaten, battered and bruised. I know that I needed training and nobody is willing to help out in that aspect. I need to workout but my ideas to move back and not fully a theory yet. 

I know that I could live without certain people in my life. I know that I would be way motivated and determined because my friends and family have my back. Not the Morrison though. They never have my back. I know that I need to focus on people who are doing stuff for me still. Like I got powers of independence. 

I know that people don't believe in me and I don't care for that. They've haven't given me a 100% of their efforts is taking my words I won't want to listen to them. I know that I need my own place. 

I know that a rocker chick would make a good intersubjective science for my relationship paradigm and dynamics. I know that I don't need another chore with Kendra. That's what it would be like for me. Her music is a chore to sit through. 

The shape I want to take is nothing but rocker chicks. If not I don't want to enjoy the presence of a country girl or pop girl. I know that I would've had something if there was a chance. I know that I'm Unattractive and don't have any desires to stay here. I want to move into my own place. Usually I forget about the lady and relationship because I got no steady relationship in my life. I have no ties here and everyone else is just living their best lives. While socially I'm shunned and ignored...

I know that Mawita'mk Society got me scared of re-starting my life. I've had to deal with support workers nosying in my personal business and always asking questions. All they need to do is give me my medicine. 

I'm tired, twisted and buried in my own sadness. I am alone and needing a woman. It's not serious but I know that I want to meet a intellectual rocker chick. I know that I want to live my life in Eskasoni. But Mawita'mk Society gots me afraid of change or the big production to move. I have to grow accustomed to working by myself or with a friend. Moving is all I have left to make my life more comfortable. My connections? I don't know.