The Ordinary Love Issue

I am hopeful for an apartment in Eskasoni. But first I have to improve on my physical fitness and conditioning where I could have everything I need at Mawita'mk Society. I know that this place is a pretty awesome place to be at. But I know that Mawita'mk Society is seriously making me think twice because they have been a group home. They aren't family nor friends. They are a part of my family and I know that I have to deal with these workers if I want to get myself out of here. I want to move out of here because I want to develop my own routines and habits in my own apartment. Hopefully I can have my own fitness in Eskasoni. Feeling like I've never had any bitches but I know that I have.

But I know that I had some lady-friends over to have a good time. But i know that I don't want to be stuck where I'm at because everyone else is choosing for me. I know that I don't want people choosing for me.

I think it's infatuation anyways. If it is love is there a weekly or monthly thing with it? I know that I've been wanting to move because I know that I cannot have her. Feeling like I've been forbidden to chose a mate. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. I know that I might have charms because I got some ladies in my time. I know that I have been living here for thirteen years and I have to start thinking about other women. I know that women get laid quicker than me. I don't have any attractive desirability. I think anyways or I would've had my own side chicks and lady-friends on my smartphone. I would've been rich with the right women.

Here I'm discovered and figured out. Here nobody lies and I have a healthy doubt. To the nights I am comforted by the warmness of their hearts and love for me. They cannot provide everything.

But I want to go back to hiding. I know that I have been looked after and my food three meals a day. Feeling like I don't have any big bed with a good woman. Being an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has accomplished past in We'koqma'q I hope that I have plenty of opportunities online. I know that some women wouldn't talk unless I agree with them. Even that iffy because I don't have any woman in my bed now. I'm no good navigator when walking. I think I am still learning and needing proof of my knowledge through walking. Hopefully I can get walking again and have my own walking endurance again. My lobe could be an infatuation and I don't want to base my loyalty on that.

What fringe benefits could I have in being an security worker? I know that I want to start something new because I am bored, lonely and honesick.

I don't find what I used to find interesting, interesting anymore. I know that I'm still learning about relationships through Dr. John Gottman and others. In order for me to feel some kind of meaning I have to suffer greatly like in fitness or walking cardio. I want to be hurting in a good way. I know that suffering has been part of a man's life. Suffering, responsibilities, consequences and judgment. 

A man has to make meaning out of things around him. He has his significance when he is tending to the family. A job well done is a job satisfaction in ways of feeling pride in doing a good job with learning how to cook for a family.

A man hasn't suffered or faced consequences enough to pass the Big Test in Life. We are told at a young age to be family guys but some woman breaks their hearts and they are lost. That's most men on this globe. Memories of having a relationship.

I had sexual relationships but I had those opportunities to make meaning out of things. 

Nobody wanted me and I know that I have some kind of criminal element to my name. 

Nobody wanted me to have a happy, thriving life where I could live my life fully. Everyone wanted me to suffer the consequences and face judgment. I don't think they wanted me to have to escape their little demonic assassin claws. I don't have any respect to live my life because I would've had my own place. I know that I don't have to live in certain communities. And women have it way easier to get fucked because men are simple creatures. A woman needs complicated work like research and reading books on how to get a woman. A woman knows her outer beauty, she's killing it with that. But to do the deep work of having a healthy mind.

That takes practice. And I know that a good man isn't enough.

Having ordinary love isn't enough because I would've had a woman by now and would been hot too. The entire truth of living isn't necessarily the independent social life but rather a good life in a way. A man can ideally enjoy this life but a group home and organization that have supported me for thirteen years have been my enjoyments without referring to loneliness, boredom or homesickness. Feeling like I've educated my mind formally has been my biggest accomplishment. Knowing that I have to get rich to get a girl: hypergamy. I know that I don't have the right support to help me get out of here.

I know that I might be able to focus on my dating. My ordinary love isn't good enough because I have nothing accomplished like a house, my own business experience and my car and full driver's license. I know that I need a lot of things accomplished.

Before I can get a woman I need a few things accomplished. First my fitness and walking conditioning. I want my feet hurting when I do come from walking. Hopefully I can get am apartment in Eskasoni because my heart hurts. I know that I need to work towards my independence and get the hell out of here. I know that I have the strength to get over the fact there is no anti-franternization policies. I know that's a healthy boundary and I know that I want to move because I want my own space. I know that Eskasoni Social Development is gonna have Direct Deposit. I hope that I could get a good dates.

I don't even have my Beginner's license because Rosie deemed it so. I am tired of regulations and policies. I don't think I will get any work done here because everyone so damn independent. Independence is a excessive freedom of accessibility to the world.

In Maslow's hierarchy of needs there is physiological needs: food, medicine and fitness and walking conditioning, the Hungry Animal: Motives to eat. I know that with physiological needs I could exercise myself to the maximum of my walking ability. But then safety and security needs like shelter from the elements, the protection of food and medicine. And safety tips in not letting addicts and other people in. Having security cameras and job security. The third is love and belonging needs, the Social Animal of motivation: Motives to love and the Erotic Animal: Motives for sex. Find your sober friends or people that are willing to respect ya. I know that means having to deal with light bullying and teasing. And having emotional supports in place just in case you need money.

This esteem needs comes from the Competent Animal: Motives to achieve.
There is group chats online that could promote reading and learning from books, eBooks and audiobooks. I know that I needed to graduate from Adult Learning Program and Trade school. Formal education and training that have gave me what I needed to see reasons for my fitness. I need to achieve my physical fitness goals, I need to get back to walking long time. And I need to re-invent my reasons to walk with goals of distance. I know that I would have more reasons to walk in Eskasoni because of errands and groceries.

I don't have much conversation with family and friends. I don't know how to break down that wall of silence. I know that I don't have the best topics of conversation. And nobody talks with me online anyways. I usually have to initiate because everyone else is ignoring me. My older brother appreciated me in every aspect of my being.

He would initiate the conversation, he would have me socially comfortable and confident after talking with him. He wouldn't hold me to a price. He was my older brother and always helpful and proud of me. He knew my correct thinking and Mawita'mk Society don't have anything customized to my liking here. I know that much. I know that I was controlled through Nancy and Vickie. I did not like that. And I couldn't escape Vickie's seduction, she was a total bitch. Clyde hiding behind his disability and I'm held responsible for my influences from Donald J. Morrison's control freak kind of oppressionism.

I know that I have lost time in my life. And I don't have any help in getting my full driver's license. I don't have my older brother anymore. I have no one to help out with getting my full driver's license. My stepfather is too busy gambling and the rest just don't want to help out.

I want to drive on out of here with my physical fitness, second transplant kidney, all I have accomplished and achieved in We'koqma'q community, through NSCC Community College, Cape Breton University, Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program and ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute courses. Here I'm spoiled and afraid to lose that. My bravery is being tested and I like the level of comfort at Mawita'mk Society. 

I know that I could learn a lot here and I know that I have no expenses. I don't have to hustle harder than normal. Normal being getting pop bottles when I have a routine going. On a good day of productivity I could make $500.

But I am Recycling and Sanitation Skilled Laborer at Mawita'mk Society because it's a routine of getting pop bottles from Center. I should be able to pick pop bottles when I can. I used to scheme for pop bottles.

I am also the Inventory Clerk at Mawita'mk Society. I hope that I could get paid extra for helping out with groceries. Yeah I have a motivated Support Worker who believes in her job and believes that she is here for us. I know that is Shauna and she is carry Mawita'mk Society's level of work performance. I know that I want to move because it would mean I got my independence and freedom back. I know that I want to get used of walking for errands again. I want to leave on a good terms with my physical fitness, second transplant kidney, accomplished and thriving in We'koqma'q community where I could start my own business. Learning all I can because learning is multifaceted. I want to live close to my aunty Popsy.

I hope that I could get something going for me. I know that u want to be a Red Seal plumber.

I want to work with Mawita'mk Society which I am working with Mawita'mk Society to keep walking. I know that I'm surrounded by people that care for me and love me. I did two walks today. One outside with Shauna and the other here at Mawita'mk Society, on the treadmill. 8 minutes. I know that I have been living here for thirteen years and happy outcomes every time. I haven't my summer in my twenties or teen years. I never was this attractive boy who gotten dates or anything. My stepfather wanted me to be miserable and alone. Suffer the consequences and judgment of the family. And never speak up against the family unless the girls say so. I couldn't speak up because I never was independent under his reign.

They talk about love but I cannot have romantic love the way I want it. I just gotta refocus my life on another girl or bitches. I know that that I'm experienced. I know that I'm an Experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has accomplished past in We'koqma'q community and could move back home because Mawita'mk Society's leaving policy isn't that strict. I wished that I never had those experiences. 

With Shauna here I am eating properly and walking more. I know that Shauna is pro-active and take charge kind of person. She doesn't hesitate or second question herself. Plus she is a good cook who had techniques and preparation styles to her ways. She uses the different cooking styles and techniques for my renal diet. 

There is too much traumas, illnesses and addictions for ordinary love. I speak of pride in my independence when I'm not taking the initiative myself at Mawita'mk Society and proving to them that I can take good care of myself. Originally from Eskasoni I know workethic and self-sufficiency. I have life experience from all that and I know that I have been roughed up and treated illly. Feeling like there is too much in this world to handle myself. I know that I don't want to be stuck and trapped. That quicksand fear to accept Mawita'mk Society for everything. Yeah it's not my forever home but I need Mawita'mk Society more than ever. 

I know that I'm not even in a relationship and I'm getting jealous because certain people found love and I did not. I know that I don't have any physical prowess to defend myself. I haven't trained for anything. I know that my stepfather held me back so many ways. I couldn't do basketball, baseball, hockey and other sports. I wasn't part of a team and I couldn't really get laid because of that kind of socialization. 

I know that I have that kind of advsarial attitude where I need control. I know that my sense of control is through this advsarial attitude and simply living ideally without addictions, without traumas and disabilities. I know that I have been living my balanced lifestyle at Mawita'mk Society. But I know that I have to walk more and lift weights more rigorously. 

I know that I'm well fed at Mawita'mk Society. I love the fact that people cool for me. It's some kind of comfort that has changed. I know that I love, value and appreciate Mawita'mk Society for everything that they do. I fear that I'm getting too comfortable.