Eskasoni, My Hometown

Chief and Council don't help out with family matters when it comes to houses. I know that I need to find a place in Eskasoni or Membertou to enjoy my own sexuality. I know that my uncles don't want me to step back and re-evaluate myself culturally. I know that people get busy they fall into a busy mode. 

My real dad wanted me to live with him or at his place. And my mom left the house in my name long ago. The Morrison family ripped me off. I could've rented it out but I know that my stepfather didn't want me to have such powers. I know that I have to deal with certain individuals at my mom's house.

Feeling like I've been trying to make a good life in Eskasoni but couldn't figure it out. Relationships takes communication and talking about gossip. Maintaining a good conversation isn't that hard. My biological parents were social creatures and so are my step parents.

I have a lot of good and proud influences in my life because they've created happy moments in my life. Examined they only bring out the value, significance and love I have for certain family members trying. I know that I love and value my aunties and uncles for trying. I know that I appreciate them and my step parents for trying. I was a child addict and became an off-again and on-again addict for years. Feeling like I've went through many mad stages in my life. Grief for all the losses and life changes. I knew that hyper-independence trapped me in my life where I had to be more serious on my own. Learning about relationship knowledge and psychology, now I could say that I have an extent of relationship knowledge about women and a healthy relationship.

The more addictions unaddressed, the more you resist, the more you have to do it. I know that sex addiction is something harsh.

It's overstimulation and psychological impairment where you are dependent on significant stimulationary moments. I know that if you allow sex to be an obsession you have to retake your mind with practiced mindfulness and disciplined forbearance. I know that for me it was all about mindful self restraint. I had to practiced mindfulness in that way and work on traumas and toxicity in my life. If you need clinical support and counseling, get it because nobody is gonna wanna help anything. Death and depth of being in the apology area is what you'll be at. 

It's a good life if you don't weaken and surrender to mental health.

I know that people don't want to make it last. They want to be the talk of a cultural community. Growing personally accustomed to living this way I know that I had to make my impacts in a positive way. I know that addictions are hard to give up.

There isn't any re-evaluation strategies videos for men. Especially when I have dated as long as I have with women that didn't want anything to do with me in Eskasoni, my hometown. I know that I have to work for my own dating scene. I know that I never was perfect and I know that I was hypersexual when I was young. Grief work takes a lot of work, so does traumas and toxicity. I know that I have to think about what dating is like in today's society. They only equate having a relationship as sex and I want more. My emotional attunement is with my family. In trying to develop emotional intelligence and empathy for them.

I want to work on my walking cardio endeavors and endurance because I want to get my second life. I want to get my second transplant kidney and have much as I can to drink again. Man I miss having full satisfying drink.

And I know that'll be my reasons to keep walking. Hopefully to drink and eat properly. I know that I want to get in shape to build up muscular physical fitness and conditioning. 

Hopefully I can work on my own fitness because walking, doing push-ups and sit-ups, lifting weights and having my own muscular body fitness. That'll be a satisfying workout and goal. In my hometown I feel comfortable with my motivation and determination. At Eskasoni I feel pretty energized, motivated and feeling my own determination. Staying culturally relevant means talking about the philosophies that guide the culture. And what philosophy guide the societal culture? Two-Eye Seeing philosophy, Dialogues of Plato and other books.

I know that Seven Sacred Teachings philosophy can guide me to something too. A tangent of the truth I am a story teller in my poetry. The way I wanted expressed.

That's how I want it to be. I know that I have been expanding my mind with books and audiobooks. Hopefully getting my own inner voice to have. I know that the creative side of drug use is how I kept out of trouble. I had twenty bucks or fifty for doing a roofing, chopping and piling wood. Fixing up sweat lodge and being fed because I was a a Cultural Firekeeper worker. I've been afflicted since I was a young child with addictions. I needed to sober up and build my strengths up for living in Eskasoni. I want to addressed the fact that in my struggles hypersexuality don't want to be talked about in therapy, Psychiatry and Psychology. They are losing the battles and I know that I've been whisped away into a group home.

Where I cannot move out of and make my Redemptive works of self-forgiveness, self respecting and real pride in my own integrity can bring me peace. People have misguided.

I remembered long ago when I had choices and where I could've communicate my desires for a long lasting relationship. I won't be coming home tonight and I have to carry the weight of my past. I have to set it right and build from there. I'd cheated on the Real Lovers of my past. And I couldn't really enjoy myself in their presence because I'd lost all opportunities to have such relationship histories. The history of efforts and love, learning from Dr. John Gottman and others. 

There is a whole field of psychological works that I could learn from. I know that yesterday I'd walked and didn't feel like having a bath.

But Jennifer talked to me and I took one today. I know that I have a lot of reasons for my own physical fitness and walking endurance cardio. I know that I want investors through my work. I want to build a small empire in New York. Or somewhere. I know that I want to have credentials.

I know that I wasn't dateless because I had sex. But I know that I needed to step back from dating and work on an extent and depth of relationship knowledge. Epistemologically it's about communication so the great Dr. John Gottman says. Listening to my sisters, my female cousins, nurses and support workers that are female. Having that emotional attunement and connection, I know that from experience of emotional intelligence in communication of hatefulness. I was suffering heavy heavy regrets and light love. I know that I'd listened to women who had shaped and molden my perspectives, intelligence, emotional literacy, integrity and strengths through strong love.

But I know that I was taught confidence after the punishment. I was traumatized and then I had to get over it. Regain my self-love and confidence, work on my physicality and weight. And than live my life how I seen fit.

Sometimes Chief and Council would help me out if I make a personal appearance. I have mixed bad and good feelings. I know that I am more dynamic now and I have more fluid reality. I know that I have been hated on, harmed and traumatized. I know that I want to make my religious strengths to cultural strengths stronger. I know that praying in both cultures can be done. Feeling like I've been cheated out of my youth opportunities I know that I wanted to work. But too many hateful little bitches and assholes in Eskasoni to have a safe place. I know that I've had my life with females but they didn't have that kind of knowledge.

I know that I have seen my realest self and I did not like how I turned out to be. Wondering why I do what I do with certain individuals. I know that I want to be healthy and thriving, physically conditioned my body to muscular level. I know that I am loved and valued here.
But I know that I don't necessarily need Mawita'mk Society because they keep on saying that I'm extremely independent. 

Reminded of life skills, what's respectful and important in my life. And what I have now. I know that I could make it in Eskasoni in my old apartment. I know that I was busy with collecting pop bottles and working odd jobs around my hometown with family. I know that I did not have any special trade because I was a landscaping laborer. I did not get my Red Seal in carpentry, plumbing or landscaping. I haven't made any impacts with my careers in the field.

I know that $14.50 an hour is the lowest in landscaping. $18.82 is the second pay. And $25.00 an hour is the highest paying job in landscaping. I know that I've been through a few educational programs and jobs. I did not have the blessings of my fathers and I don't think I can make my own way.

But I know that I've had many losses and pains. I know that I'd screwed up because I'd grew up in a community where I was welcomed into the world of addictions. Warmly, viciously and misleadingly. 

Deceptions have been a big part of my life because other people perpetrated the deception. I don't know what those nurses know. But I know that I was deeply discriminated against and there is a whole eBook about The Psychology of Prejudice and Discrimination. It seems that I cannot get it because I get $50 every week, GST direct deposits and Christmas bonus.

I may not be romantically involved with someone, which is helping out but at least I and thankfully I have Dr. John Gottman's works. I know that I have to start listening and get emotionally attuned to my stepfather. I know that in certain situations I have to get emotionally attuned.

I should get emotionally attuned to everyone that I know. But I want to practice with my stepfather. I have the experience of an off-again and on-again addict since I was a child. In this world you have to be competent and dangerous. A deadly force that has the wisdom of a experienced seasoned veteran warrior. It's common to fall into the world of addictions and not make it out alive. I wasn't given that option at a young age. I was thrown to the wolves because I did not want to listen. And got abused in so many ways. Abuse is mistreatments of the soul, mind, brain(physical) and intellect. I know that I wasn't given any opportunity to outgrow my predecessors, family or friends. My stepfather didn't want me to outgrow him.

Or grow up to be this kid that don't need much to succeed. I know that I was thriving and I was sane. But I could've taken another route in developing my money into a bank.

I could've gotten an bank account and I know that I had to face racism with banks. That was my past financial transactions. I couldn't really enjoy my own convenience by simply having a smartphone. Everything that I'd known about a smartphone was something that I couldn't get because my sisters kept on taking money from me. I have to keep paying and not enjoy my money. Hopefully I can get a job at We'koqma'q community Tim Hortons. 

And get that ServSafe Certificate and Supervisor Certificate. Hopefully I can get all this and work on building my money up when I do get my second transplant kidney.

People keep trying to determine what jobs I should get. I don't have any saying because I have no words in their views. That's ableistic cultural ageism. I know that I need to make my own way in this world and see myself work through it because that's motivating enough. I know that I want to have full-time.

I know that when I'm good and ready that's when I'll move back to my hometown, Eskasoni. I want to build a good few careers and have my life with a professional schedule in New York or Halifax. Doing cooking, building and landscaping. Or bartending. I've been away from Eskasoni for thirteen years and worked on myself through therapy. Now I need to work on myself intellectually and physically. 

But with my second life I want to get full-time employment at We'koqma'q community Tim Hortons. And get everything I need there and build a ten-year career or a job I'd already done. I want to save up for my own car and buy my very first purchased car. Not a car that I inherited. I want to meet new people and do cool and awesome things. I hope that I could learn ServSafe Certificate and Supervisor Certificate program. 

First with my second life I want to build a 5-year career into the Food Industry like We'koqma'q community Tim Hortons. And learn how to use everything in that station and kitchen. Hopefully get ServSafe Certificate and Supervisor Certificate. And get enough practice in making coffee and other things. And this would be my gateway to NSCC Culinary Skills Certificate program. Hopefully I can have fringe benefits where I could go to school at Strait Campus. 

Another 5 years at We'koqma'q community Tim Hortons cooking. Hopefully I can handle the heat. I know that I want to get my Red Seal in cooking. I want to grow accustomed physically to working that workload. 

I know that I got a good nestegg of money coming to me. And hopefully I can pay for those trainings and education, one year on the phone bill and clothes and books. I know that I want to start my Food Industry career with Tim Hortons. I want to be accustomed, practiced and disciplined in the Food Service industry. 

I know that I was ecstatic and happy when I was young. I had all this stuff and I felt special. I know that I had to become this strong beacon of hope and confidence. I know that I wanted my own place and have my own car. Money saved up and a good deal of significant period or time of job done. And I want to have credentials and degrees and licenses. 

I know that I want a few careers in my life. Some in the Food Industry, others in Trades and Driving. I want to be confident and self-assured in my steps towards getting my credentials and degrees and licenses. I want to prove that I have a good strong workethic, sense of service and a good deal of dedication. I want to prove that I got the stuff and I have the strengths to get through my days. 

I wasn't helped in professional service like Psychiatry or psychology. I know that people don't want to get to the core issues and root problems of my past hypersexuality. Now there is clinical works on Gottman Relationship types, hypersexuality pdfs and eBooks on male influences. I know that I love, it's just not coming across like that. I know that I looked for love I'm all the wrong places. 

I know that my step uncles and blood uncles don't want me to examine my life psycho-sexually, psycho-spiritually and culturally. I hope that I could eventually make it back to my cultural hometown. Feeling like I was so careless when it came to sex and I was sexually indiscriminate, addicted and tired. I know that I need to work on myself intellectually, psycho-sexually and physically. 

Relationship wise I had a significant impact on my inamoratas. I know that I loved and I wanted that to be simple. But it isn't just sex or I could get that anywhere. I want an emotional connection and have that kind of trust and love, attachment style and loyalty. I want to dedicate myself to a good lady. I want to put the work in and learn much as I can from doctors' works. 

I want to be accomplished. Constantly personally accustomed to goal-oriented successes, graduations, professions and cars. I want to get enough money to afford for certain training if I could. And I want to be accomplished, successful and achieved meaning that I'd learned well. And I have a few jobs, money in the bank, a few cars and a good financial education.