The Things We Do For Love

The things we do for love is something that I'm ready to work on. I want an emotional connection through actual dating. I have been sober for thirteen years and accomplished,  with a level of education and employability to have in my corner. I haven't dated that much anyways. No ladies wants me for a hypersexual partner. I know that I've been learning my value on the market. I'm not that attractive because I don't have my own place or have any type of riches. I know that I am not gonna get a beautiful one. In my twenties I've never dated much. No one knows those rituals because I know that I don't have any respect or powers. I haven't attracted the right woman in my life because I haven't really experienced a good relationship.

I am aware psycho-sexually. I know that I've had a lot of experiences. I know that in certain situations I am less of a man because I don't have any powers or respect.

I cannot save everyone from the infidelity, poverty, intimacy(emotional intimacy), communication issues. I've been studying how a relationship works and how toxic the societal culture is. People want me to be social to have dates, to have addictions in my life. And to have problems. I know that most Indigenous people in Eskasoni won't want to lift me up. Generational curses and Generational ontological perspectives where we all should suffer isn't what I want. I want that kind of mental health where I could live my life in harmony with my own lifelong goals and objectives. I want to build a good life in Eskasoni because I've been walking lately, wanting to have my own place and work. I was taught coping skills at a young age. I was 5 years old when I was first taught.

I've experienced everything in Eskasoni and Eskasoni has been my foundational mental health knowledge, now literature.

I don't do well in trying to get a date. I haven't been able to secure any dates. They mostly stay away from me because I don't have any powers, respect, attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. 

But I was taught coping skills and I'm not about to give up on some toxicity in the culture. I know that I haven't been able to grieve properly or have the right knowledge for certain things yet. I know that I'd chosen a pacifist's way of living because it's less traumatic. And I get to be a sober pacifist because I have all the right supports in from hometown Rehab. I have everything I need to survive off of my own cultural community.

I know that I've never reveled in any relationships because I did not have any side chicks. I couldn't because so many wanted my sex life to stop. I know that I did not have any respect for the truth. I know that everyone was already experienced.

I know that I am trying to make it through the days I'm here. I know that I've been learning anger management through my stepfather's old school works. I know that in this toxic societal culture I'm the single family man who everyone hates. That's because I'd been working on myself and learning relationship science. Hypersexuality versus Gottman Relationship? I couldn't even get laid that much because I did not have any loyalty, attachment or emotional intimacy. I've cheated on a lot of girls and I had my fair shares of women. I was buried alive in ways of romantic angry jealousy. They were hurt and I did not have any respect for ladies.

I know that I have seen hypersexual parents and uncles. I have been learning through my stepfather's family and my birth parents' family. I know a couple of ways to philosophized and think. I know that I've been in extreme situations before.

I know things are possible and I have been tested because everyone wanted my opportunities. They wanted to keep me lockdown and trapped. I know that I don't have any powers or respect in ways of hometown jobs, community education and training. I know that I have a level of education and employability to my name. I could actually rent a house and deal with the bank to sell the car. Racism in so many levels of government prevented me from inheriting my dad's house. And family is trying to settle things quickly because I don't want the car and house but I want to rent it out.

I know that I wish I could rent out my dad's house. Hopefully I can get a good job doing certain things. Hopefully I can rent out that house. But I know that my dad has been abusive to my biological mother.  I know that I've been learning about certain ways that relationship works.

I've read Trauma and Addiction by Dr. Tian Dayton. I know that I'm reading an PDF  Intergenerational Trauma by Amy Bombay, Kim Matheson and Hymie Anisman. Learning a lot about trauma and dysfunctional relationships. The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture book is a good book. I know that I'm researching for myself which I hope to finished reading pdf and my Myth of Normal book, but I'd finished Trauma and Addiction book. And I'd cried a few times. Learning what dysfunctional friends and family look like from an objective point of view. I know that my stepfather never really wanted me to tell the differences in my social, cultural reality.

I've been through hell and build resilience and a heaven. I have moved away from Eskasoni and hopefully get my level of education and employability where I could work anywhere. I know that Eskasoni has addictions.

Eskasoni has this prejudicial pettiness where they want to hurt. But healing in a toxic societal culture is something significant. You have totake the baby steps and learn much as you can with trauma, illnesses, addictions and discriminations. I know how certain toxicity works and how discriminations works. I've been discriminated before by my own people. And I know that people love bringing down other people. To molest or scheme off of. I know that I've been learning how certain things work and I know that I believe in God and the Catholic church. There is no saving women or anyone for that matter from this toxic and prejudial, hypergamic and class warfare world.

I couldn't protect my sisters in time. My explanations didn't panned out too great. They had to explore this insane world where people feel betrayals, addictions and discriminations.

I cannot save everyone from this world but I could put effort where I could. I know that I'm still growing and learning from my books. And this harsh realization where I cannot save people from hypersexuality or hypergamic discriminations from misandry. I know that I'm still independent and strong. I know that I gotten my heart broken long ago. My smile was taken away long ago when I used to have a good soul. I know that I'd bullied back and had many people afraid of me or hating me. Those were the options. I'd cheated on many lovers of my past. And I wanted more. 

Nobody knew that I wanted to settle down and live my life. I wanted to sober up and become smoke-free, drug-free and alcohol-free. I wasn't too bad, I would drink by myself and smoke up by myself.

But ever since Rob Bloge and Rob Shipley, I had company and not lady-company. I knew that I had what I had through friends.

I know that hypersexuality is an addiction and a bad one at that too. I know that people will dig up dirt on me and throw me under the bus. That's because I haven't established myself honestly. Women have this power to choose who they mate with. And I know that I've been hypersexual because my biological mother was hypersexual, my stepfather was hypersexual and my real father was hypersexual. Their beliefs surrounding sexuality isn't debunked in their views. And I'd lost two parents who really knew me. Feeling unattractive and used I know that women didn't want me to be welcomed into their worlds.

I know that I didn't have any grips on my life. My life have been one chaotic cycle of traumas, losses, barriers, rejections, pains, heartaches, addictions, disabilities and overprotectivity. I couldn't fight back because it made me look deadly.

I know that my stepfather held me back because he didn't want that kind of connection from High School to work. I know that I had everything I needed to live my life in school. Formal Indigenous descendant education was customized for me and I know that I could've been wrong in every sense of the word. People are angry because of such betrayals and other things. They aren't angry for the proper reasons. With theirselves because they've done wrong. I know how anger works. I don't like teaching but I know that people have been cheated out of youth opportunities. Well not like me anyways.

I know that my stepfather didn't want to teach me anything but working and walking. I, seem to have it all here but I know that I could do better on my own. Having no woman's respect for keeping quiet I knew that I have been learning how she operates. She doesn't have any self-respect or boundaries.

So not caring for her psycho-sexually, I wanted professionalism to the next level. I know that I didn't care for her and I don't care what she does outside of Mawita'mk Society's care. As long as she could keep it real professional like. No trapping! No future love, no benefits. See I'm a simple man and if I cannot have professionalism than I would ruin your sex life. Sex at work causes more stressor and other things. I know that they wouldn't make it any good conduct. I know that I couldn't really have my safety because she has a lot more sex than me because men are simple creatures. I know that I have dysfunctionality in this world. And I know that I've fallen from grace I had been learning shames, guilt and remorse.

Her anger silenced me and I know that I am not going to get along with her. She has to be right in her vengeance. I know that I don't have any healthy professional relationships.

I've witnessed sex in the parking lot and she's making it into a joke. She's determined to humiliate me in every way. I know that I don't have any respect or powers to stop them. I know that I need to make my moves by doing push-ups(different kinds), sit-ups and lift weights. I couldn't go into the rubble of yesterday because of the bad taste in my mouth because her anger is misguided. That kind of anger doesn't have any professional merits or dignity. If she had self-respect professionally she would've been more conservative with her sex. Her sex life shouldn't be at work because it's undignified and unprofessional like.

I know if you enjoy and take pride in what you do, you carry yourself with professional dignity, professional pride and professional leadership. The comfort of the residents is more important than ever. And I know that it would look good on rèsumès and other stuff.

Forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness is accepting the act and moving on in a professionally healthy way. Healing can make you think clearly but acceptance, forgiveness and healing comes in waves like the ocean of waves. I know that I have metacognitive awareness and I know that I have to work on accepting myself. Spinning the truth around with her, I seem to have more of an emotional stepping involved in January. I had an emotional start and I was using my coping skills to acknowledge myself slowly. I know that I had to process what I'd seen and heard.

I know that I love Mawita'mk Society but I know that I have been shaming because I've cheated with many of my lovers. I know that I have been trying to approach this delicately. With much respect and self emotional awareness. I know that in January I have witnessed something sexual. But I know that I could accept it, it depends if they can.