Afraid to Go Home (Hometown Eskasoni)

I know that I've been learning about women. I don't have the edge because every woman online would simply read my blogs, and the mystery is over. Yeah I know that women that I want have more of a body count than me. 

And it does matter who you fuck. I have enemies in Eskasoni that wouldn't let up. Ah the mystery is over. I have no more things to give. I know that style and fashion has been my strength because I know that I was taught to sow. I need to work at certain things and learn to be a beau. A young, fashionable male who wants to be an admirer and boyfriend material.

I know that beautiful women don't find me attractive. I am that fat, ugly loser that cannot have anything to his name. I have a lot to my name; books, DVDs, CDs, Hats, sweaters, clothes, shoes, electronics. I know that I'm less attractive because I don't have any impacts in this world.

I have personal impacts in my world. I know that I've been learning how women operate from Dr. John Gottman, from Dr. Rollo Tomassi and Tik Tok videos. Everything I've been learning I know that I don't have anything attractive. I know that I'm supposed to have confidence or a level of it, but I know that for thirteen years I've been sober sexually, pharmaceutically, weed-wise and alcohol-free. I know that I'm hated in Eskasoni because I am a nerd who had bad influences. Learning that my step uncles wanted me to fail at everything. And my stepfather doesn't have any respect for me.

I know that I don't have any powers because my step uncles won't go suicide. I knew if I went with Curly at a young age I wouldn't get knowledge from her I wanted. I knew that I wouldn't be making money or having my level of education with her because of her beliefs. I was seriously deprived and neglected.

Learning the importance of a good meal. My stepfather never wanted to take too much. He has stonewalled me and Curly took over. I did not have any good teachers, grandmothers, stepmother, stepfather, step uncles. I know that I had learned beyond my age and I knew that certain girls were being abused by Chuck and Dodo. For years I was that unattractive nerd because nobody knew me. I know that I did not have anything normal because of insecurities, doubts, feelings of hypersexuality haunting me because of Dodo and Chuck. Two pedophiles that wanted me to suffer like them. And Chief Leroy Denny is questionable because he is allowing Chuck have that house.

I know that Vickie Pierro has Dodo's support. And there are others who believe in Dodo. I don't know how he is hiding. But Dodo don't want to take responsibility for molestings.

Vickie Pierro is a miserable person who loves to make things dark and gloomy. She is a chronic, toxic downer and I don't care what she says. I know that she loves me defenseless and powerless. She thinks she is older which gives her special rights. Which it doesn't. She has discriminated against me and want powers over who has abused me. That way she could seduce and lie. She has post-truths. I mean defenseless against pedophiles and powerless to use the truths. I know that she doesn't respects me. In this life of generational/ontological, post-truth realities and perspectives, I know that I don't know how they are getting away with all this.

Rosie likes to defend her because she makes me miserable. I know that Vickie doesn't respects me or my feelings. She aggravated my traumas when I first moved here. Her and Clyde schemed off of me. I was pitted, stuck and tormented by Vickie and Clyde.

Mawita'mk Society allowed such gang up on me. They read my journals, poems and played my games when I wasn't around. They would go into my bedroom when I wasn't there, steal tobacco and money I'd kept in an old desk. Vickie would use her powers to influence me in thinking that I don't know. Being a victim of home invasions they'd loved me tormented and hurting. I know that I wasn't really respected because I know that everyone from Eskasoni and Sipekne'katik were violent. And Wagmatcook is a small community, good and smart but Vickie has a Superiority Complex. She is smug, arrogant and loves to be mean.

It's about choices they make and it's about choices I have. What rights do I have at Mawita'mk Society? None because a choice to an insane person is nothing but troubles. Its been thirteen years of no choices, working and cooperating with Mawita'mk Society. Compromising my choices for their choices.

The illusion in memory is what powers do an older person have in the reality of memory? I know that I don't have any rights in Mawita'mk Society because I got no choices. The truth of the matter is that it depends on Mawita'mk Society's moods. The heart of the matter is that Mawita'mk Society don't like choices, even if you do have your own money, still that isn't good enough reasons to keep choices alive. They want to make things to their convenience. They love it when I struggle morally to stay with them. It's not right adults taking care of adults and telling them that I got no common sense or intellectual authority or abilities.

But is memory an reality? Or what we perceive? What faculty defines a relationship of an object outside of an insane person? What is it that my paranoid schizophrenia has a impediment of choices? An example of it is that I cannot live by myself.

Everyone thinks and believes that I smell and look dirty. I know that if I was outside of Cape Breton I would take good care of myself. But the treatment I get from Mawita'mk Society is like I'm some kind of teenager and have to be molded. This is being in a group or team. I have to use my team player's attributes. I know that Mawita'mk Society won't Certified me in Life Skills and Cultural Teachings until I do the work. But I know that I used to be on my own. By experience I know what it's like to have choices limited by fiends, addicts, bullies and schemers. Eskasoni full of them and I cannot escape that because people forced sharing on me. I don't play hockey and I don't have that kind of awareness.

My stepfather has deprived me of organized sports and other opportunities I could've had in Eskasoni. Because he was feeling petty and jealous, angry and scared. Sex work is therapy-focused sex therapy.

I know that there is a lot of sex therapeutic research needed for hypersexuality. I know that sex therapist wouldn't want to deal with pedophiles like that. Choices at Mawita'mk Society and living in this world? I know Dodo wants me to fail. So does Chuck. Through direct influence or indirect influence, through acts of attritions or other influential strategies. I know there is psychological manipulation to control tactics, patrol techniques, workable angles, management skills, methods of persuasion, influential strategies and forced shared feelings and thoughts containment abilities. I know that I have to put up with all that and deal with them through their positional, ageistic authority.

Doing it right and convincing me what is right is two different things. I know that I don't have any respect because I am this guy who is helpless and cannot have anything private.

Through guilt they have managed me, Dodo and Chuck. Through family psychology and guilt where I couldn't tell my stepfather anything. Dodo robbed me of my Redemption and didn't want me to make my stepfather attack him. So I was learning through Mike A. Doucette and others, to manage my own mind. I know that I had to deal with authority with family psychology. And learn my position where I had to work hard on my own mind. 

Through DBT Training Manual I am learning philosophy and coping tips and advises. I had learn to trust myself at a young age because my full-blooded brother Steve was always there. I had to work hard on myself and through therapy and emotional works. I know that I had to say that my step uncles were pedophiles.

I know that I love my family but some people can infuriate me. But I have to work on self respect through my books.

My strength comes from my family. I know that old collective strengths of family values, customs, tradition and beliefs. I know that I have to work at my fitness, my understanding and comprehension of DBT Training Manual and other books. I am confident that I am a intellectual authority, it's just good to read books. I am tough and skilled, I know work and landscaping, I know building and painting. I know literacy and mathematics, I know tools and supplies. I know coping skills and healthy habits. Mawita'mk Society hasn't taught me anything new but have reminded me about my job-related life skills. I know that I'd learnt carpentry principles from my stepfather, I'd learnt landscaping and cleaning from my stepfather, I'd learnt laboring and grunt work from him.

I know that I have been learning a lot from my stepfather and stepmother. I know that I'd recovered but have some issues.

I know that in complete picture I was learning composure, calm and mindfulness. I know that prayers centers me and home can be a powerful place of protection. I know that I am learning to build a home. I know that fiends, addicts, bullies and schemers want me weaken and disabled. To surrender to them and have no powers to protect my life. Feeling like I'd lost civic faith in Eskasoni but I am tough to recover and be resilient. I know that resilient toughness and strengths in Mawita'mk Society have been part of my recovery from malnourishment, lack of technology and tools, lack of smartphone and financial account. I want to have valuable and versatile level of education, knowledge and employability for New York.

I want to have a list of credentials even more than I have now. I want to have jobs from my level of education, knowledge and employability that I could have a fair incomes.

I'm afraid to go back home because of the experience I've faced. Instead of understanding of my young hypersexuality, they showed violence and discriminations. I know that I shouldn't move back home because I don't have any worthwhile level of education and employability. I have an accountant here and I want to pay with three jobs. The addicts, schemers, thieves, cowards, bullies and fiends wanted me to suffer addictions and traumas, endure discriminations and barriers, have malnourishment and thefts, experience larcenies and home invasions. They all unlawfully came in and bothered me.

I know that I wanted to live a good life in Eskasoni. I couldn't get justice or vengeance in my life. I couldn't get peace bonds because of discriminations, prejudice and hatred and barriers. I know that Dodo and Chuck were winning, as is every other pedophiles.

Dodo doesn't want me to use my language right. So doesn't Vickie and Clyde. Mawita'mk Society is a safe place. And they are just an organization that wants me to see them as family. I know that I have a real family and an adoptive, blended family. Simply because I got no one on my side I know that I have to work everything in my world. I know that I'm against certain people and I don't think I had justice here. Feeling like I've never had this kind of level of education, training and employability. I know that I could get a job in Eskasoni. Three jobs if that's possible or two good ones. I want to fix up my old place on Horseshoe Drive when I do get my fitness, second transplant kidney and full driver's license.

I just have to set a regimen and morning routine at Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can build a good fitness in We'koqma'q community.

I got a level of education, training and employability to live in Eskasoni. I just have to focus on my physical fitness health. I have to do exercise and nutrition. Renal diet style or kidney-friendly meals. I know that Eskasoni has been a damaging place. Everyone that have moved have been growing happier and working on their traumas. I know that in We'koqma'q community I miss Eskasoni. And I know that I would miss We'koqma'q community. I am homesicken and I want to work on my physical fitness health to move out. But there is so much more good things going to happen with Mawita'mk Society.

I want to leave on really good terms where I could live in my own car or get jobs somewhere else instead of Eskasoni. Just in case I have to move. I want my physical personal fitness and nutritional eating habits. And have my full driver's license and move out. 

I don't have any booty calls on my smartphone. I don't have any side chicks or bitches. I know that I need to start dating and going out. Eskasoni has been my hometown and I know that Eskasoni repeats. Learning powers of ageism and sexism. I know that Dodo wanted me to fight back against bigots who don't want to deal with hypersexuality. 

Afraid to Go Home because I don't have muscles for fighting but working. Well a little anyways. I cannot be a tougher worker because I don't have that experience of focused workethic and diligence physically. I know that I've been working for a year to work in We'koqma'q One Stop. And I know that I need to focus on my physical fitness and nutrition. 

It looks like I have to fix up my old place. I have to focus on my cash-flow while I live here. I have to work on getting full-time employments and car here, get my fitness and walking endurance, and nutrition and spirituality. Hopefully I can make a happy home in my old place. If I want to invest in my old place I have to become a Certified Retail Worker and fully licensed driver. Get my professional driver's license and get Certified Custodial Technician Training Certificate. Looks like there is a challenges to keep that place upkeep. But I know that people would steal and repeat behaviors that are bad for me.

I have money in my savings but I hope that I could save it up to fix my old place and build a garage at my old place. Hopefully I can get my physical fitness and nutritional habits. Grow personally accustomed to renal diet and kidney-friendly meals. But like I said I'm afraid to go home and so many is afraid for me. I know that I want to build my personalized space in Eskasoni. Feeling proud that I could take good care of myself, I know that I love Mawita'mk Society and there is room for improvement like physical fitness, personal powers and a good deal of work on my old home. 

But my sister Billie Jean don't think I can because of my mental state. I cannot strike a balance of routine and regimen of fitness and walking and nutrition. Feeling like I cannot do anything because my sister say stuff behind my back. She's just fucked up as me if not worst. I know that I have a clean bedroom and organized home. Feeling like she just loves the control and power tactics she uses to discourage and dissuade me from doing what I want to do. 

Ah! The opportunities I had when I was sane. I could've lived by myself and have work and jobs in Eskasoni. Feeling like I cannot do much because my sister Billie Jean has the power to stop me. Sort of speaking. She acts like a mother to me and treats me like I don't understand what she says. She either believes I'm really stupid or she's messing with me. Tormenting me because she has status, two jobs, a car and a place to stay. 

I'd graduated and haven't done anything with my training. Trades have been all inclusive and have disability benefits with their apprenticeship agency. I could work as a plumber apprentice and have my level of education increased. I know that certain people don't believe in me because they always have excuses to do stuff on their own. 

It's dangerous in Eskasoni. I know that my family don't trust in me to live my life how I see fit. That was my last chance to stay in Eskasoni and make something of myself. I know that I want to believe in my independence and life skills again. I want to have meaning and value again. I want to believe in routine and fitness. I want to believe in my resolve and determination. I want to believe in my freedom and intelligence. 

I know that I'm doing my renal diet and walking. Doing fitness and calisthenics is lifting my weights and doing types of push-ups and regular sit-ups. And other acrobatic skills to master and get coordinated and balanced with. I know that I've been walking and I had my small double, double. I used to have a large triple, triple but since I came back on dialysis the fluid restrictions have been one cup per day. And I'm glad that today I walked. Been getting back into walking again.