Questions of Loving Ideally and Unconditionally

Women have complained and vilified men all those years through misandry. They manipulate, steal, lie, seduce and cheat. Those are the addicted women and toxic women. You don't hear the women getting punished because some double standard. In this post-truth we let women reign hell on us because they want us tormented. Learning that women in recent years haven't wanted me to simply move on or get over the infatuation. For me it usually passes because no woman wants me. 

The secret is that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities in my past life. I've been tricked to come here because family wanted me here. Well step family.

You don't communicate with me I will never know you like me. In this psychological culture where we read the situational forces, I cannot stand the unknown.

I cannot read what you don't say. I know that I've been educated in sociology, science and mathematics. And other areas of history and geography like Global History, Global Geography, and Globalization. I've graduated twice from Nova Scotia Community College and I'm proud of what I have accomplished there. From their Adult High School or Adult Learning Program through School of Access. And their Trade school program called NSCC Construction Trades Labor program. It was a good program if there wasn't discriminations, bullying, psychological warfare and lack of team player's attributes. Well hometown team was rooting for me. So was couple others.

But I realized that I need physical fitness to have that kind of professional efficiency fitness health and level of professional efficiency fitness work performance. I want to be healthy physically and professionally.

My blood(true, real family genetically) is something that unconditionally loves me. I love ideally and unconditionally. But I know that people have been taking advantage of me. Thinking that I would keep giving them money and not remember how much they've owed me. I know that with all I had experienced with Mari K. and Rob, I have to say that financially someone ripped me off. I know that I've been learning about my value as a good friend. From Eskasoni everyone rips me off and it seems that nobody honors the exact payback.

Women have impacted my life with the wisdom that there is both misogyny and misandry in this world. Some women don't know their boundaries. Others might, I don't know. Being left in the dark I know that people don't want me deadly or formidable. But wise and patient with women and men. Men so far have been rational, logical.

This world is fucked up because of discriminations, prejudice, biases, pressures, decolonization efforts and reconciliation efforts. Because of this world where addictions rules and regulations fucks you up pretty badly. Something unbalanced in my emotional heritage. I know that I'm twisted metal into malleability. I know that I have no opinions or powers to make decisions. To stick with something and keep going. Connie Peck has taken whatever I had and subsumed it. I have to reclaim my independence by doing and proving all over again. Some women like control and power over my life. 

Others don't care if I'm trying to get over certain women. And Vickie has taken my ability to make something stick.

Socially I don't know if I'm hated or not. But the way i was treated for years in my hometown suggests that I'm despicable. I want to deal with my shit. I want to learn.

I've been beaten, battered and bruised. I've lost a kidney and I gain my first kidney. I regained my life and I fell back into addictions. I was slowly losing out on opportunities in school, for work and at home to be the very best of me because I did not deal with my shit. I want to read books by Dr. John Gottman, by Dr. Gabor Matè, by Dr. Daniel Goleman and Dr. Tara Bennett Goleman. I get to read these books and I get to work on myself. I am learning from Doctors and authors that have unique understanding. 

And have a lot to say about this world. I'd lost decades of readership in my life. To appreciate, value and love readership and to have my own hometown home full of books. 

But as soon as I was freed I was learning. My dad and stepfather taught me to hate learning and not discover the passion of learning. I am a philomathean student who is studious, assiduous and something of an intellectual authority.

I know where I stand in this world. I know that I don't want other people's powers, opinions and controls in my life. I know personal leadership. I know independence and terms of self sufficiency. I always picture or imagine myself suffering in some way just to earn my rights. It seems that's what natives have to do in order to get recognized. I know that racism is in this country. And I know that I am not known to people. Growing up in Eskasoni I've been bullied, stolen from, beaten, abused and discriminated and manipulated. I know that I did not have any time for misapprehensions. I cannot stick with what I want because every abusers wants to get away with sexually abusing me.

They've worked on me since I was a baby. And I couldn't really enjoy my hometown because everyone stressed me out. When I was relaxed I was manipulated in some fashion.

I know that I had to work some angle against me. I was getting Rob Shipley to work properly and have a good work program. I was the one who had to get him walking and picking. He didn't liked the fact that I had extra financial account with Tully. I know that Rob Shipley didn't want to do it the right way. So I had to show him that not everything was bad. They wanted me to give in and ease up on being strict with working the pop bottles. I know that I'd wasted years doing that and having Eskasoni Welfare. I could've used Eskasoni Welfare for a lot of things if I had online accounts. I was a hard worker, tough worker and an walking endurance.

I know that I'm still wanting to move back home, all physically conditioned and fit, with a second transplant kidney and fitness. I know that now I have a level of education, a smartphone and online accounts. I know that I have am active online life.

But women online are just scammers and schemers. They don't have any intent to find mutual limerence in stage one of the dating scene. I know that dating is the all-important stage where you find a person out, where you figure stuff out and get that exciting mutual limerence if you connect. This would be a eternal foundation of a good relationship if done right. Of course there will be work with it and in my life with Mawita'mk Society. I am highly organized and scheduled out at this group home. I cannot find a date because of certain policies. I don't have the experience of dating many girls and finding that mutual respect and mutual limerence.

There is one-sided limerence with certain people and I don't think I have experienced mutual limerence. I only experienced the one-sided insipid, vapid limerence. I know that I had sex but no one woman knows Dr. John Gottman books.

I'm coming from the world of addictions, hypersexuality and discriminations. I think mutual sexual limerence can be something. If the date goes very well and you want to sexually explore you could and find out how you two work. But I know that I have been sexually explored and used. I just hope that I could have a good relationship which is based in healthy communication, punctuality and dating. A good relationship is based on keeping the relationship alive. Telling the truths of my past and my abusers. Not online because I don't have any knowledge to defend myself, or experience to defend myself.

I know that all-important connection from dating and bidding for attention, communicating and appreciating that all important power of talking is important for mutual limerence. I want a good woman with boundaries and self respect.

Where she takes pride in her work and do what she wants. That is financial independence, economic independence and personal independence. I know that I have such types of independence and I know that have relationship could create a shared meaning, value and sense of purpose. This can increase my motivation to make more money and work harder, find financial means like Simplewealth app, other traders app and work it from my smartphone. But there are three stages of love that I'll experience with a lady. The first one(when taking her out on a dating phase) is that all important connection for the feelings of mutual limerence. It's the foundation which you based your relationship on. It takes about month to simmer down but it's exciting and fun. Usually sex is involved and you would want to be with the girl.

The second stage of love is trust-building. Women usually tests you for protection.

Well for protection, care and loyalty. I know that the second stage is emotionally based in trust-building. Will I be there for her? Will she be there for me? And would I stay in this monogamous relationship? Based on my past experiences with women I cheat. I have a fear of commitment, a phobia because of my abusers. Everyone does sex and sex is less sacred but in a monogamous relationship it is sacred. Am I worthy of that kind of unconditional love? And do I have the strength to talk about my past?

I know that love is a questionable thing because I feel that there is a lot riding on it. I have to learn the strengths and powers to live my life in a sensible, self controlled and respectful way. I know that's where the central theme of a good relationship is. My step uncles wants control over my life because they value me as a weak and pathetic person. I don't see how they hide.

I know that in learning true powers over my own mind. True powers are mental/ emotional controls over my own memories and skills, knowledge and experience. I chose what comes into my life and what truths come out. I know there is a lot of self work on me psycho-sexologically and I am learning what a woman wants out of me. Thinking about my latest book purchases I've made. My feelings about sex is healthy I think. I am learning self emotional intelligence and working on my independence. I've been sexually free from hypersexuality for thirteen years. I know that I've learned how to write through certain people and shared quite a bit with ya'll.

I know that true powers is power and faculties over my own life. How I share my life is important too. But I haven't shared with no one. I am sober, sex-free and educated, I just need a good life to live my life and work. I'm not going to share everything online. Just what I want to.

This trick they've done was a well good emotional investment of my time. I know that I don't like how my sisters have done it but I know that I was loved, valued and appreciated for everything I've done for them. Learning how physical abusers work I know that couldn't really protect my sisters because of some women's rights. There was boundaries I wanted them to learn and I know that they didn't because of my stepfather, stepuncles and granny. 

Learning that my step uncles would use boundaries as a means to trapped certain victims of their's. I know that I don't want them to learn helplessness like me. If my cousins and siblings identified abuses I want them to expose my step uncles or whoever has abused them. Learning that Dodo and Chuck wanted me to not delve into sexology books and psychological works of Dr. Rollo Tomassi, Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dr. Gabor Matè and others who have proved their works or written about their experiences. 

Simple reasoning has gotten me in a lot of logical fallacies where I'm easily convinced. I am the first person to face judgment and punishment do they could see what's for them. A lot of my abusers weren't validating my experiences and some were hiding, others ars still alive and hiding. I know psycho-sexological studies should be my very study. And my step uncles who have abused me is working out a plan to trap me if I do move back home.

They've showed up before and they are dominant in my life. Feeling like I don't have any powers of truths from my memories. I know that they've beaten me since I was a little child. I know that they've gotten away with a lot over the years and I know that they've wanted control based on choices with them. Choices are a limited thing with them and they don't have any respect for volitional powers. 

I know that I have supports and love from other family members. I know that behind every possible choices of food, of Eskasoni and of beatings, he has beaten me into silence to not validate me. Dodo only physically abused me but I don't have any memories of sexual nature. I think anyways.

He has been there since I was young and working on my memories. He could've repressed my memories because he has total control of my memories. I think he hasn't proven that I'm tough because I haven't worked or fought in many years. I haven't exercised or worked on my renal diet. I am losing a battle that I don't know why. Maybe it's truth that he hasn't touched me, just beaten me. 

He was always there to give me my correct thinking. How I liked thinking. He has been there to proven that I could handle more than usual through coping skills. He has been a drunkard for many years and I had to deal with him. I don't want to discover repressed memories of sexual nature of reality and being. 

Sometimes I take joys out of being with the family. Other times I have questions about loving ideally and unconditionally. I know that I love, value and appreciate my family in every sense of the word love. Dignity and self-respect suggests that I look within and see where all this vulnerable hypersexuality is coming from. Why I keep being forced to share and why I am tempted to drink and smoke cigarettes, cigars and weed. 

I used to drink by myself and enjoyed it quite thoroughly too. I wasn't completely wasted but rather drunk enough to enjoy my music. Learning to enjoy my music soberly have been pretty good. If I do move back home to my old apartment I would want to invest into it. I would want to make it my hometown homey home. I would want to invest into a small garage and it's own power source. I know that I am a Skilled General Laborer and have been learning about employability and job opportunities in Eskasoni. 

Women's best defense was psychological warfare because they don't have thf physical prowess. I don't have that much physical prowess to defend myself. I know that I need to work on my physical fitness health and Stat away from my smartphone during the course of the day. The level of walking endurance I had was because I used to walk to places for stuff. It took a while but I loved the fact I've accomplished my daily errands in Eskasoni. 

My past relationships have failed because of hypersexuality. The world of addictions I wanted to stop. And no, I did not trust any woman. Anything I've done was because of my feelings towards hypersexuality. Now? I'm reading books like Sexology: the basics and the Myth of Normal, Men's Guide to Women and The Relationship Cure. Yeah it's an ego-investments into understanding that side of monogamous relationship. 

I'm supposed to be charged with protecting my sisters and their kids without authority? Responsibility without authority is slavery and I don't think loving ideally and unconditionally is going to save everything. If I am supposed to put my life on the line for the of kids just because I'm the older brother isn't going to work. It is slavery of my physical prowess. The kids need to listen to me when the situation is dire. And I have to protect them. 

Doing the authority the right way is not explaining nothing and getting them to listen to me. I know that pedophiles could have gangs too. And I don't think I want to have my nieces, great nieces and nephews bothered by that. I don't think I have that older brother intellectual authority over my family. They would rather let their children cry anc bitch. And think that they could get away.

My sisters spends all this energy with their kids and don't want me to have authority over them? Now that's a type of psychological slavery over my physical prowess. If nobody is going to listen to me I cannot do anything. 

I know that there are different and variety of women in the world. My biological mother wasn't innocent and I know that my step uncle have controlled every step of the way. Feeling like I was proud that she was working Eskasoni Treatment Center and working on her BSW. There are biodiversity of women personalities in this world. Some addicted, others successful and addicted. Others are sober and working on their level of education. 

The greatest weapon a woman has, is her ability to manipulate and use psychological warfare tactics, and power and control strategies. As well influential methods and management techniques. A woman has to rely on this to perpetuate the cycle and work towards what she wants. Which she has no idea what that is. A woman has no boundaries or self respect but she's willing to wreak havoc on people? Why? Because she's either an addict who is delusional and has this thought process that make her feel special. Or she's very vindictive and psycho. 

I've met good women and they've told me that my sisters should do better. Hopefully I can do better at my physical fitness health and level of education in this group home. And work towards a more complete Indigenous descendant terms of self-sufficiency. My attitude towards learning should be a philomathean student of life because I know that I'm happy with what I have. 

If my sisters has to do good then I hope that I can lead by example. I know that Billie Jean is trying to control my example so that she has powers over my life. But I don't let her because she has no rights. I know that I cannot allow her to influence me in any way or fashion. And I know that independence isn't what they want for me. They took every reasons to be a tough Eskasonian and made it into a terrible perspective. 

I haven't really and fully lived a rich life in Eskasoni. But by the sounds of it I don't think they are making a compelling case for anyone to move back. Knowing how Eskasoni wants human failures and bad decisions, I know that I am not loved or valued by them. Only in ways where it serves them. I haven't been loved in years and I don't think I'm valued, loved and appreciated in Eskasoni. 

This is a dark community and I don't think any amount of cultural togetherness will solve anything. I know that I love my hometown and I know that I want to have an progressive, thriving evolution there. It's no fit for home and they don't want to get their shit together. So I'd moved and started to figure out my influences. They know how to get away with their influential strategies. 

Money talks and bullshit walks. I'd tried to figure out the family and I don't think anyone wants to do the right things in dealing with addictions. There is discriminations and types of prejudice. I don't think anyone wants to learn how to deal with the truths. I am an Xennial Skilled Tradesman and I get mixed up with Millennials because of my age. People try to force influence into me. 

With water it's an bio-emotional need. It's much as an emotional need as a physical one. I feel that I need water it will be thirsty. If I feel that I want water it's going to be a physical, biological need because it nourishes and quenches my thirst. The whole psychology of survival is the art of conviction and innovative methods of succeeding. 

I know that silent hard work surprises everyone. I want to learn survivalism and bushcraftmanship. I have my First Year in carpentry and I'm formally trained in electrical trade, plumbing trade and welding. If I am to be a helper in these trades I have to understand the basics of butlery and sense of service. I know that in Eskasoni trades aren't that great because tradespeople messes with minds and life. 

Some women want power but not the responsibility. And some women want protection, money and the man being responsible for their without powers. Discourse in power suggests that I don't have any real impacts on my own family. That they want me to fail as a human being and follow the masses of addicts, schemers, pedophiles, fiends, bullies and abusers. Those thieves that have secret identities and lies and cheats.