Home, Sweet Home Pt 2

I know that I could live ideally in We'koqma'q community with Mawita'mk Society. But I am goal-oriented and I want to move out on really good terms of independence, level and depth of education, training and experience in jobs. With my books I think I could learn to charm a woman by being there for her emotionally speaking. I know that Dr. John Gottman has this emotional, evolutionary psychology to a woman. And getting her seems to be a dance in the elaborate labyrinth of games. That's what is exciting.

I know that I don't want any extra responsibility and I know that I'm not well trusted. I don't know why women don't trust me and have this repulsion against me. I know that I'm lessen of a man because I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities in my life. Women simply don't like me.

Stinking thinking is a addiction term. And that's what I experience every time I want to write something positive. The Cambridge Dictionary defines "stinking thinking" as a bad way of thinking that makes you believe you will fail; that bad things will happen to you; or that you are not a very good person. What causes stinking thinking? 

It usually starts with a trigger, often a criticism or nasty remark, followed by a thinking error( aka unproductive thought) followed by a negative emotional response. I have created a Nerdvana bedroom and I am happy that I got such a bedroom. I don't think my hometown is a safe place because of the historic traumas, addictions-filled hypersexuality, barriers and unemployment rates. 

Nobody wants to get their lives together and soberly work. There are Congitive Distortions which are Negative Thinking Patterns. Which anyone could look up and read for themselves.

The list goes: Emotional Reasoning, Splitting, Overgeneralization, The Fallacy of Fairness, Mental Filters, Discount The Positive, Catastrophization, Magnification/Minimumization, The Fallacy of Change, Should Statements, Labeling, Personalization and Blame, Always Being Right, Jumping to Conclusions, and Cynical Hostility just to name a few. Logical fallacies are flaws in reasoning, or arguments while Cognitive distortions are our minds trying to convince us of something that isn't true. Like Emotional Reasoning refers to the false belief that your emotions are truth- and that the way you feel about a situation is a reliable indicator of something. That's just an example of Cogntive Distortions. Logical fallacies are faulty reasoning in your arguments. Cognitive distortions are negative thinking patterns. My biological mother could've had a few wrong ideas or impressions, or faulty reasoning.

There are Logical Fallacies, Cognitive Distortions and Cognitive Biases. There are those and there are my ideas which is Ideal Male Independence which is a bias blindly, mindlessly and thoughtlessly to be the provider, protector and leader of the family. Its basis is in discriminations like ageism, sexism and others. And based on misapprehensions too. And Ideal Male Obedience which is blindly have faith, mindlessly follow and thoughtlessly obey the orders of a family which they know is imbedded in logical fallacies, congitive distortions and Cognitive biases. I know that I take pride in my true independence. Learning that Logical Fallacies, Cognitive Distortions and Cognitive Biases could create a good deal of misapprehensions and discriminations. There is a difference between living with Ideal Male Independence and ideally living. I don't have to be schemed off of. I don't have to worry about my money.

True Independence is being honest and logical. It's the savant in us that we learn how to be a philomathean polymath. A student of the game. I know that I haven't really socialize in any aspect. True Independence is figuring stuff out and learning from books, from mistakes, from misapprehensions, learning about logical fallacies, cognitive distortions and cognitive biases. It is learning not to make any argumentations based on these biases, distortions and fallacies. That's why there is so much types of discriminations and broken hearts, to misapprehensions and mistakes. There is a lot of reasons why people don't want to learn. They don't have intellectual confidence, they've never experienced personal/financial independence and a good deal of Game-awareness. An addicted mind wouldn't know if she/he is making arguments based on logical fallacies, congitive distortions and cognitive biases. I know that I've been through hells.

My younger siblings could be making logical fallacies, using cognitive distortions and cognitive biases, and not know it because everyone don't want to learn. Me? I am simple and ideally happy. And me? I had stinking thinking and cognitive distortions. I think cognitive biases too, as well logical fallacies. I don't think I know that I have this kind of self awareness about my Logical Fallacies, Cognitive Distortions and Cognitive Biases. 

My biological mother could've based her cheating on such things. And not want to learn about Dr. John Gottman's works, Aristotle, Aaron Beck, Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman. I want my younger siblings to know what I want them to know.

DBT Training Manual, The Men's Guide to Women, Dr. Tian Dayton's work Trauma and Addiction, all my books I want them to read collectively and understand where I was coming from.

Hopefully if I do die they will read in honor of me. 5 books per week, or one, until they can have that kind of intellectual richness to have epistemic curiosity or spark curiosity in my nieces and nephews. Culturally relevant books to psychological and scientific, I hope that my younger siblings could make an impact like LeVar Burton on Reading Rainbows. I want to have a philomathean, epistemically curious nieces and nephews. 

When they do grow up I want them to dig into my library and learn. I wonder what my baby nieces and nephews are learning? Yeah I'm kind of curious if they are learning the language and culture? Reading Rainbow episodes and Magic School Bus episodes.

I know that I cannot control myself and I need help. Every time Mawita'mk Society does something for me I have to get all anti-authority and everything, protecting my independence and freedom.

Why? Because I've never worked with a team in my life. Feeling like I never played organized sports I couldn't get the benefits of a coach. I know that I cannot fight a war, no matter how much I want to. I have a team player's attributes from street ball. Basketball, base ball and eight ball, street hockey ball too. I know that I have been in a team mentality before. The Psychology of Teams and a good deal of yard ball to street ball. I used to have fun and enjoy jokes and stuff. 

What happens when trauma patient has to learn the strengths and powers of family, Team and Mawita'mk Society. I have to trust the process and stop defending my intellectual authority in my life. I know standards of personal leadership and independence.

Love should be guiding me. Not the science or psychology. But stinking thinking could perpetuate because of certain things.

Mawita'mk Society is an organization that wants to work on helping me out. Their goals is to get my head on straight and work within the workables of my realistic achievement currently serving me. That's to lose weight and gain muscular physical fitness. Not lose out on opportunities or anything like that. This is a supportive environment, stigma-free and drug and alcohol free. I have books to read and research. I have a bunch of books, eBooks, encyclopedias, magazines, comic books, pdfs and audiobooks. Hopefully I can finish them all and have an understanding and comprehension of the knowledge.

I miss my independence with my first transplant kidney. I used to drink a tall glass of water when I was thirsty. Have a coffee Purolator in the morning, have tea in the evening and have juice or Gatorade or something in my fridge. I used to have options to drink and live.

But thankfully Mawita'mk Society has blessed me with optional services. I could've chosen to die and claimed it was my fault. But I did not want to die. I wanted to live, graduate or work. I wanted to see myself physically conditioned. And hopefully I can because I have Mawita'mk Society. An charitable organization that helps out disabled Mi'kmaq like myself. I am proud to call them comrades and Mawita'mk Support Workers. They are very professional and will have a stationary reputation proceeding them in other communities. Without Mawita'mk Society's care I don't think I would be in any better place. They've saved me a few times over. 

Thirteen years I've been here I've been saved, had birthdays, got GST back pay and got regular.

Celebrated holidays and healing ceremonies. Had a bunch of holiday seasons gatherings, which was pretty cool.

Gotten my Christmas bonus because of Mawita'mk Society. Had graduations and career milestones in my life because of Mawita'mk Society. We've celebrated the 10-year milestone Mawita'mk Society has been in service since 2007. I've had my big move to Mawita'mk Society in 2010 and it's been thirteen years. I know Sunday, September 10/2023 and we've celebrated over the years Johnny and Maugit. My uncle Dodo told my stepfather about the cheating he has done with my biological mother. I know that spell is broken and I know that I have a bunch of reasons to stay at Mawita'mk Society. 

Hopefully I can drive and get that far with fitness, second transplant kidney, better health and level of education and job experiences. And have my full driver's license and car.

Maybe that's the next chapter in my life. Having a professional reputation. I know that I was well taught by my uncle Chuck and I know that I love my family. But family could be fucked up and I could've approached this blog with such distortions, biases and fallacies. I am in pain of thinking because I am not over half of my traumas. Feeling like I was proud of being ignorant. 

I had a few good friends show me the correct thinking. I've put away these past traumas and I know that I'm surrounded by good people. But some are ignorant of the shame, traumas and misery I've suffered. And why it is such an significant loss when I'd lost my biological mother. I've had heavy losses and no family member would want me to think right. But I've learned what I could because everything I've learned from her and my stepfather was a lot of critical thinking stuff, coping skills and healthy habits. 

Kung fu is any skill earned through hard work or practice and discipline. I could learn much from my experience with people beating me because I know that I've suffered for no reason but I was taught the total experience of vengeance. I know that punishment is my best moral strengthening in ways. But unlearned things like Sexology and Psychosexuality isn't going to help my hypersexuality. I have to learn sexual addiction through counseling and kung fu. 

Kung is any skilful work, practiced endeavor or disciplined hard work. And fu meaning time spent. I don't know how true that is because in epistemological reality we don't know what we know. But I've practiced Mindfulness meditation and a good deal of focused work on my understanding. I know that DBT Training Manual is something that I'm trying to learn on my own. And Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Gabor Matè's works. 

I want to have disciplined, focused and philomathean learning about my books. A mindful focus is presently focused on all my books but reading them one at a time. I know that I have to use my skills I've learned over the years, knowledge and training, and use it for reading. I know that I could enjoy reading books like a bibliophiliac and philomathean student. 

I know that I love my books and I know that I've experienced reading to a degree. It's learning to be a collector of reading moments. Until I can finish my book. I know that I could be professionally controlled and managed. I know that I don't have any more reasons to fight back because I cannot defend my independence. 

But I want to live an independent life where I've built my own home. I don't think anyone wants me thriving because I would've been thriving long ago. Economically I was getting paid for jobs done but I don't think I have been living to my full potential. I am not in shape or have any extra curricular activities. 

I'm smart because epistemologically I could metacognitively figure out my own knowledge, experience and life. I know that I have been learning a lot about myself physically, intellectually and psychologically. I know that I haven't been able to comprehend the body mechanics that I used to use in my life. Another words I was taught the values and beliefs of a philosophical, philomathean and strong family that loves to guide or control. Depending on who you with. 

So I thought. I know that my family, collectively knows stuff but not much as me. My vocabularistic understanding in paragraphs and sentences is something that I could use, creatively in poetry and philosophical and scientific works of psychological insights and cultural, personal history. I know that I'm still learning and learning is multifaceted, so I have books, power of talk and a good deal of online and stream of information. 

What's my home, sweet home? When I have a stationary home for years when I try to develop and grow myself intellectually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and ecumenically. I know that I want to be holistically independent, thriving economically, physically growing, working, driving and evolving on my own. But I cannot because I nerd my fitness for my second transplant kidney. I know that I have to learn team-player's attributes. I have to have teamplayer's awareness and empathy. 

I know that a happy home is where I have safety, security and food security. Medicine security and my things security. It's where I could live my life in private and secured. It's the safest place I could go because I know that I could sleep safe and sound. But in Eskasoni I know there are dangers I don't want to go back to. Because the rich don't care for the common or uneducated man. They have to suffer and develop complex traumatic experience before realizing that they have choices. 

Yeah I'm emotionally attuned to my family. I just got to be a collector of emotional moments with my nieces and nephews. Learning to be collector takes a good deal of conscious connecting and learning what they know. What they are learning when I have them here. 

I know that I need to work on my physical fitness to meet a professional performance standard. And I am learning to be a reader in ways because I was never nourished like that. I know that at Mawita'mk Society I get to explore all my skills: reading and understanding with books, encyclopedias, magazines, comic books, eBooks and pdfs. And hand-eyes coordination with my computer, Playstation 4 and 5 and writing this. And fitness skills with good forms and physical endurance. 

I've re-read most of my blogs and half of them don't have fully formed ideas and paragraphs I wanted. I have ideas that needs better fitting into the story. When I do write I should jot down my ideas or put them into my notes. I know that I need to think about what I want to write about and learn there is value to thinking about what I want to say. 

Women love opportunistically and men love ideally and unconditionally. I know that I don't fit any criteria right now. I am at a group home and I'm living proof of being sent to the friend zone or becoming an incel. Mawita'mk Society has volunteer me because they've chosen me to be their poster boy. My independence questioned, my memories of life skills oppressed. And I don't have any respect. So really the dignity of a man to be listened to is very important. But if I don't have nothing to say, that's because I have written it down.