The Best is Yet to Come

Learning how trauma can impact our brains, our relationship dynamics and our body. I know that I've made it this far and have been learning myself to use coping skills when needed. How influences can have affect on my mind, how discriminations and prejudice can work itself into my belief systems. And become sticky and stuck where it is. There have to be a de-stigmatization process where we can unstuck types of discrimination and prejudice. Never made it as an innocent wise man, couldn't hustle like a poor man. I was learning with these classes there are types of stratification of types of discrimination in social reality. Truthological and ontological perspectives suggests that truth become a study of types of reality. Dimensions of hell and heaven, what lie works and what works for me.

I know that I've experienced a lot over the years and Eskasoni is my hometown.
But there are corruptors and manipulative ones too. They are convincible and argumentative. They all wanted me to fail miserably as a human being. They've worked off the secret that my stepfather's brother used as a control and power tactics in my life. 

I know that Dodo doesn't have any control and power tactics here. He is powerless and influenceless. Dodo ruined my life subconsciously with demoralizations and corruption through his manipulations of my belief systems as a kid. He has worked on me since I was a kid. And everyone piled on and stockpiled their secrets in my life while causing traumatizations, humiliations and discriminations.

But I've moved away from all that. Thirteen years away from Eskasoni and I'm kind of learning that my influences had something deep within me. I know that I'm hated and discriminated against because Dodo.

Thanks to Mawita'mk Society I've lived a busy lifestyle in We'koqma'q community. I did got a chance to get my own level of education, training and driving experience in We'koqma'q community. Feeling proud that I have something to contribute to, I know that people have been cheating me out of my youth in Eskasoni. I know that I did not have any good experiences in Eskasoni. Everyone in Eskasoni took advantage of me and ruined my life through corruption, demoralizations, humiliations and discriminations. Nobody tells me the truth when it comes to women.

Mawita'mk Society has learned everything about me. But I want my own place to date properly. I know that I've wanted certain people in my life. Feeling like I would get used up and criticized by women. I know that certain friends would lie to me, cheat me out of my things, beat me and than deny it. The quality of a relationship is determined.

I know that my old dysfunctional friends have used me up and never had helped me in any way. The poor qualities of my friendships was lost to a degree. Living with a bunch of addicts and schemers, I know that I did not have any smartphone technology back then. Hopefully I can have all my credentials and professional schedule from Google calendar. I know that I have been living in paradise in We'koqma'q community because it's simple. I don't have to do much measures of protection, security and safety. In Eskasoni I cannot invite anyone over. And nobody trusts Horseshoe Drive Apartment because it feels unsafe. Mawita'mk Society is a well respected place and a good home.

If I do move back there is a lot of work I gotta do there. Nobody wants me living in Eskasoni safe, secured and protected. I was a little nerdy guy Nobody wanted. Learning that I'm unwanted in Eskasoni.

I know that people have weaken my resolve to move back. I know that I don't have any respect like some people. Growing up in a toxic community, Eskasoni was doomed to collapse on itself. Some would say but Eskasoni is a growing community. Their infrastructure is developing, their business and personal efficiency is growing. But with a level of education, training and driving experience I could; with a second kidney have my life together in Eskasoni and build my own house. Learning that I have seen certain people in Eskasoni, I know that I'm not well liked in Eskasoni. At least I think based on how I was treated before I left.

Trauma creates hyper-independence and self protective mode. Trauma makes me think everyone is out to get me. I know that I don't attract women in my life while I'm broke and stuck on dialysis. I know that I need to keep walking or using my stationary bike.

In Mawita'mk Society I have my things safe in my bedroom. I have a pool table and have the proper support. I don't have to worry about thieves stealing my medicine, groceries, cleaning tools and supplies. I don't have to worry that somebody would break in and not fix the door. I don't know where I'll be in 20 years time from 15 years being here. I want to stay here until I can get my second transplant kidney and work in Eskasoni. I've stayed in We'koqma'q community for 13 years and accomplished a level of education, training and driving experience that I could use in Eskasoni. If I do get my second transplant kidney I could live my life more richly and fully. And two more years in We'koqma'q community; I hope that I could accomplish my ideal weight goal.

Yeah I'm happy here but if I could get my own place I could have dates and other things going on.

At Mawita'mk Society the best is yet to come. 

And learning that I cannot be on my own. But too, in Eskasoni the best is yet to come. If I do die I want them to know that I'd given hell on this earth much as I could. And yeah, I was happy that my family got out of Eskasoni and thrived. I am happy that I got my level of education, training and driving experience. If I do die I want them to know that I was well fed three times a day, had safety and security at Mawita'mk Society, birthdays and holidays, GST direct deposits every three months, 4 times a year. Gotten my Canada Climate Action every two times a year. And gotten Christmas bonus every year.

I am happy that all my things here are safe and sound, and I have people to talk to because I'd experienced empty nest syndrome before. The changes of family and step into Mawita'mk Society. I've been through many big changes over the years.

I'm gladden that I got job experiences professionally speaking. And I know that I have Mawita'mk accountant handling my papers and my GST checks, my Christmas bonuses and Canada Climate Action money. And the double GST. I'm happy that I have this level of education, training and driving experience to work in Eskasoni, Chapel Island, Paq'tnkek, Membertou, Wagmatcook and We'koqma'q communities. I know that I'm happy that I have my medications protected and my injections handled properly. I don't have to worry about thieves taking my medicine from my cabinets. There was a lot of security issues and safety issues in Eskasoni.

I don't have to worry about inflation rates and prices. I know that the benefits of Mawita'mk Society is that I have security and safety in We'koqma'q community. Cybersecurity, physical security and home safety.

In Eskasoni I cannot live a single guy because everyone stole from me, lied and confused me, disinformed and dissuaded, cheated and sneaked into my place. If not than they've waited until I left and stole then. I know the way I was treated was how I was hated. Being financially abused by dysfunctional friends and family, having home invasions from KJ and Dodo and Itch and everyone. Dodo have stolen my money and I cannot get any financial justice. They all demonized me when I wanted to be left alone. They didn't understand that I had my pickings. 

Economically abused in Eskasoni I couldn't get schooling or full-time employment. 

Eskasoni has cheated me out of my youth.

Thanks to bullies or enemies I had to walk certain paths. I know that I was hated because everyone wanted to blame me. That kind of psychology of prejudices and discriminations hanging over me.

With Mawita'mk Society, the best is yet to come. I haven't renewed my Beginner's license and finished that goal. I am losing weight and getting to my ideal weight: 145 pounds. If I die today I want my family to know I was happy. I want them to blow a blunt in my face and if I do come back, be a friend and light up my smoke. Hopefully I can lose more weight until I can get to 65 kilograms which is 145 pounds. Which is my ideal weight. I'm working on my weight and hopefully I can get my second transplant kidney before 2025. I know that I have benefits of Mawita'mk Society; former accountant, now an office manager. And I have all my government stuff handled.

The best is yet to come and I don't know where I'll be in 20 years time. Hopefully I can make it to 15 years with my ideal weight, have my operation in QE2 and work on my fully licensed driver's license.

I know that in Mawita'mk Society I have all these benefits, supports and help at Ni'kinen Group House. I know that outside discriminations speak and I have to learn to cope, deal and handle my life which is management of my own life through personal leadership. I'm going through changes I don't want. My family haven't gotten any justice for me. I know that I had no justice. Personally I know that my enemies want to get close and intimate with me. They would want to repeat or come up with new punishments creatively. 

I know that cowardice from them have been partly me because they wouldn't want me to train in vengeance. Motivate me right and I'll do the work.

But I know that my stepfather taught me to be a bitch. And he wanted me to cope for his personal purposes. I know that I did not peaked at my peak age. My stepfather and so many others have held me back in Eskasoni.

I know that there was bad asses that wanted me in jail while my step uncle gets his. I know that I couldn't get any truth out because my step uncle Dodo didn't want to validate me. Most criminals wouldn't want to admit their wrongs like my real parents. Nobody validated me because they wanted me in doubt. My step uncle would hide any truths for his benefits and lie his ass off. Even if that means child molestation he has done to me. No criminals would want to validate this sick kid because I'd played all those years. 

But like I said, "the best is yet to come" and I'm hoping to get a good job in We'koqma'q community. Feeling proud that I could move back home but have more reasons to stay here. My future is undetermined and I have a shared living space at Ni'kinen Group House. I am never alone because I got a bunch of good people taking good care of me. The benefits of living I'm Ni'kinen House is that I get my bedroom cleaned and my bedding done. 

Here I have washer and dryer, I have bathroom and a laundry room. Here I have outings every Friday and have a good life with Mawita'mk Society. I know that I could scheduled my alarm to a certain time of the mornings here. And get ready for schooling. In Eskasoni people would sneak into my smartphone and try to steal things off of me. 

It's like a psycho-spiritual awakening, deep paradigm shift of perception and epistemological consciousness from old scriptures and ancient texts. Breaking away from this spell of the secret Dodo has imprisoned me with. It's a transitional phase and a new watery stage of swimming, trying to take a breath of fresh reality. 

The connection of my inner self is guided by doctors of psycho-spirituality, psychology and psycho-sexuality. And the collective anguish of continuity of memories, I have to learn to swim the waters of consciousness and use my habit-forming skills. I know that self help books and those that have taught scientific thought, theory and philosophy, have written and made books and pdfs and audiobooks. 

My scientific empathy that these doctors have put into words so elegantly. I know that I have been using other people's powers and I know that true psycho-spiritual awakening is what I want to learn. Having my power of imagination to compartmentalized my knowledge into a file system of computer data. That's in my mental sanctuary of a palatial home. 

My linguistic awakening started when my tutors came into my life at the ages of 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. I was taught well because my tutors, teachers, guides and cultural support workers have guided, imaginatively taught and meaningfully connected with me. To get to the bottom of the spell of the secret Dodo had around my little brain. I was abused and Dodo and my mother just proven that women cannot be loyal. 

My first book was a dictionary, my second book was a How to Write Poetry and than Ann Rice books because of my sister Edna. Breaking down words into sounds was a skill, not a saying. My tutor Joe MacKenzie taught me that breaking down words and learning the words takes patience, time and focus. 

My psycho-spiritual hells was that of addictions, discriminations and prejudice. They all suckered me in to their worlds and in that realm of darken possibilities I was nobody. Girls didn't want to stick with me because they thought I was nothing. 

My epistemological reality is covered in the Indigenous descendant psycho-historic story of my life and have a good deal of Game-awareness, driving experience, job satisfaction, perks and pride, self respect and self love. It's full of survival self love and hoping to be more psycho-spiritually stronger in the faith of better men. It's an ego-investment of my time to write about my story and how I was affected in so many ways. 

My life can be interpreted like this or ideally trying to live a simplistic lifestyle. Other than that I have been trying to have my own place and learn all the necessary information and contents of my books, eBooks, encyclopedias, magazines, comic books, pdfs and listen to my audiobooks. I know that I'm loved and I am freed thinking. I could correct my own thinking and be on the straight line if I choose to. 

My faith have been tested and tried. People don't want to respect the lone wolf. I've been alone in my life for years and never had any real relationship. My faith in my soul, the trust in my solitude becomes a personal sanctuary. I know that I have been learning what I can about independence, interdependence and shared independence. I know that team attributes have been something of a journey. 

The towering trees of enlightenment is seeded by the quiet calm and stillness of the heart through meditation, silence and mindfulness. The changes and transformation of thought into consciousness is what I've experienced before. My Home is my happy sanctuary where I could read and listen to Tupac and others. The idea of flow is willingness versus willfulness. Dr. Marsha Linehan who has created the book DBT Training Manual.

I trust in readership and a good deal of understanding. Learning about my own consciousness of my own mental palatial home. Ego's whims isn't deterring me from learning the value of solitude. I could read and research my knowledge through online Consortium of thoughts and philosophy in science. 

Single life has taught me the values and importance of solitude. Learning is multifaceted and Multidisciplinary. I have tons of theories to look up. Deep self examination of my own home have been part my experiences in readership and writing. Solitude is a classroom where I have stimulus and pilgrimage of self discovery in philosophy and psychological works of doctors. 

It's society's groupthink trap I don't want to end up at. I know that I'm hated and have no attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities. But that don't mean I cannot live ideally with my technology and tools. I know that I have a life in We'koqma'q community and Eskasoni don't want this little, short, disabled, fat, Indigenous descendant nerd who nobody respected in the first place. 

In all Dr. John Gottman books the man has to make the move. When I did that I was put in a friend zone. So that means I'm not wanted like that and I have to get women that do want me. Knowing that I'm not well liked by young women I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities. I have no business of my own, restaurants in my 30s or have my own vehicle. So I'm a liability in ways. 

I know that I have to be emotionally available if I want a mother. Be that emotionally attuned hero and understand that she has responsibilities and a family jij. If I want her I'll have to be masterful conversationalist and earn that kind of trustworthiness with her. For my life the best is yet to come. I don't know if I would want to stay in We'koqma'q community. I cannot date or fuck here. But in Eskasoni I know that I would have one fuck at least. 

Now I know that I'm Unattractive because no woman in her right mind would ask me. That's life and I have to deal with that. Mawita'mk Society doesn't let me date or fuck but I have to stay here because I cannot take good care of myself on my own. That's life and it seems that I am trapped by it. I'd must've fucked too much. 

I've been shut down so many times. It's like I shouldn't try. No young girl would want me. That's life and in my own life the best is yet to come. Women that thrives off of their beauty don't have any skills. I am never socially dominant or have anything attractive because I have no career or character. 

No young women feels sexy around me. I am short, disabled, fat, ugly, smelly and sweat a lot. I know that no woman in her right mind would want me. Knowing this women avoid me like the plague. 

But then again mostly I haven't taken that first step bravely, confidently and I haven't given any woman a reason to be with me. Most women want trustworthiness: emotionally intelligent guy who have been sensitive to her sensitivities and thoughts. So it seems...

It doesn't matter about my looks or smell. It matters if I do try. And keep on trying until I can get laid. Keeping confidence while being constantly rejected seems to be how women want me fight for them. That's how I'll prove they are worth it; fight for them. Mostly I am stuck on dialysis and don't have any young ladies to talk to. Let alone women my age group.

Trauma makes me think negatively. That I've had stinking thinking and other styles of negative thinking. I know there is a list of thinking styles that could affect me. Learning that in We'koqma'q community I'm not that desired. Knowing that I have to have a good job and give up all my personal stuff in order to better serve the woman. I like how I'm living. Working on my fitness I know that I want to move out of Mawita'mk Society, driving on out of here which that's how professionally successful I want to be. 

That I could afford my own car and have vacation pay, holiday pay, overtime pay and other pays such as bonuses, medical leave and sick day pays. Hopefully I can get full-time employment in We'koqma'q community and have a good deal of work in We'koqma'q community. Fringe benefits covers vacation pay, educational assistance pay, overtime pay, holiday pay and sick and medical leave pays. Hopefully I can get my own truck and do what I want to do with a good truck. 

I know that I have lived an ideally simplistic lifestyle in Eskasoni. Or I was trying to but I had some people try to scheme money off of me. I don't owe anyone because they want my money. Ageistic authority makes it hard to defend myself. Marriage isn't right for me because the man loses custody battle, have to give up his GST, pay alimony and child support, have to give up the house and loses all my stuff to have a woman tell me that she wanted another guy. Having a woman makes it difficult to live because she wants nothing but money from me after sex.

I get spousal abuse from an taller, older lady because she wants me to pay for her drugs and everything. I have to give up certain things for a lady. I don't think I would want to be in a good relationship. Besides no woman wants me anyways. I don't have all the luck of getting the women in bed. And I don't have to change my life. I'm not dating, not hot or have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities in my life. 

Thankfully I've moved from there. I don't have to worry about thieves, cowards, fiends, abusers, rapists, addicts, bullies and schemers(extortionists). I know that I don't want to stay in Eskasoni because that's where they are all at. I don't have any respect from elders or anyone because I got nothing in Eskasoni but educational funds and Christmas bonus. Most of my funding comes from Eskasoni for Mawita'mk Society. And I don't know how to use my funds properly. Most people in Eskasoni would take advantage of that.

People like to pick on me and bother me financially. I know that I don't have any respect from certain people in Eskasoni. Learning that I could live my life in Eskasoni if I graduated from Eskasoni High School. I know that I wanted that in my life but I had to drop out because I had too much sadness. I know that I did not meet anyone's expectations or had a grand old time in prom. I know that I did not attend any birthday parties or had any visitations to friends' places when I wanted to.

But I'd graduated from Port Hawkesbury, twice and hopefully I can keep losing weight until I can reach my ideal weight goal. I am on the list for a second transplant kidney and I just need to lose weight. I know that I need a goal in mind. My perfect weight is 146 pounds. I know that I'm being weighed in kilograms. 

The best is yet to come in my life. And I'm waiting for a grander scheme of things. I want to expand and experience work and business in We'koqma'q community. I want to work the volunteer sector and other areas of the community I hope to gain experience in. I know that I don't fit Human Services and I don't have any accountancy diploma and degree from NSCC and CBU. 

I want to stay in We'koqma'q community long enough to get credentials from Retail Council of Canada, ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute, NSCC and CBU. Just a few of them to learn the business side of it. And to get credentials from Tim Hortons. I want to graduate from all that and get my full driver's license from Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program and graduate from Nova Scotia Firefighter School. I want to have a rich lifestyle in We'koqma'q community where I volunteer, work and drive, and have all the level of education, training and driving I need for independent life in We'koqma'q community.

I want to have enough credentials hanging on my wall. And I want to have my apartment back. I want to be employable in any field I choose so. And I want to work much as I can in my chosen fields. I want to have a professional schedule and reputation about me through online pictures of me working, and having Google calendar professionally scheduled out my hours.