Stuck part 2

When it comes to a sense of certainty in my abilities to take good care of myself. I know that I don't have that much self-efficacy in my abilities or capabilities to live by myself. All Mawita'mk Society did was saved my life and continually improved on me with a bunch of staff and other healthcare professionals. I know that I don't have self confidence in my own life skills, survival skills, trade skills and coping skills. Knowing that I don't have any self belief in my own independence, no owning up to my own personal leadership isn't going to convince these people that I could take good care of myself.

Feeling kind of trapped, helpless and powerless. I know that freedom has a double edged sword. I could live independently but I would get ripped off, financially abused by certain community members and step family. 

Dodo's power of secrecy was my nepenthe. I couldn't feel my way from his grip of numb.
I couldn't truly think right about my life. 

Prozium 2 was much like how he morally suppressed my emotions into a moral corner of choices. Discourse in power suggests he shouldn't have power over me and I should defend myself. Emotional freedom is learning about my emotional reality. How I feel about certain things, how I experience home, sweet home. And how I am familiar with certain people. Dodo talks about parenting issues and family responsibilities. I know that's his excuse for abusing, manipulating and discriminating me.

But I was learning about my emotional reality where he was the toxic guide. His toxic sexism and womanizer's attitude have affected me in ways of hyper-independence and hypersexuality. I did not want him as a father or uncle. He was using me to get to my mother one time ago. And than I was learning that he was using forceful toxicity.

He was using his forceful toxicity to manipulate my mother into having sex with him. Learning that he doesn't want to see it that way, he has romanticized his rape into loving. Which in turn was motivated by toxicity. But of course he uses humor for medicinal laughter.

I know that I have a good life and in that I can work on my pool game, exercise either with the Mawita'mk sunroom or Johnny's Gym. I have all my things protected here and have an Mawita'mk accountant at Mawita'mk Office. I know that I love Mawita'mk Society because of birthdays, Christmases and paperwork for Government stuff. I know that at Mawita'mk Society he isn't here. Knowing that I've been emotionally stripped of my rights and discriminated against, dissuaded and disempowered of conviction. I know that I have a lot of good reasons to live my life. Learning about toxic culture.

Rosie has stopped me from certain activities because I am disabled Mi'kmaq. I cannot do stuff that normally requires a healthy person to do. Mawita'mk Society has changed my life drastically in quality of life that I had. 

Standard of living have been great and my cost of living adjusted. Than again Firefighter Departments only deals with real types of fire and heat temperatures. And learning Judo has been an experimentation in ways. 

Learning to be a referee is a good thing. 

Nobody trusts me with my life because I'm a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. But I know that I have life skills, resourceful beliefs and useful suggestions. Knowing that nobody wants me to run my own brain.

I know that I have been discriminated against because of certain past confinement tactics and power struggles. I know that my step family have isolated me and wants me to figure myself out from all that life experience.

I have cooking and baking skills, I just gotta keep up with the practices of food preparation, meal cooking and baking. I know that I could have a good understanding of temperatures and other things. I don't have to experiment with food when it comes to cooking and baking. But learn new recipes off the Internet from www.Myspiceitup.ca and learn from them how to cook my meals. I could order off Beginner's Renal Diet Cookbook to Intermediate Renal Diet Cookbook. I could go advanced too.

Knowing that the Morrison family have corrupted my mind at a young age. I know they didn't want me to be in stigma-free states, or have an unbiased and strength-based approaches to my siblings. I know that they assume too much, have prejudicial powers over my guilt, have a lot of reasons to abuse and discriminate against me. Which they have exercised in ways.

I know that discrimination is prejudicial distinctions and treatments according to the stereotypes and social stigmas they believe in. Neuroethically they don't want to put science of morality to developmental psychological works. They don't want to figure out what they did wrong. The Morrison family have turned on me right from the beginning. Knowing that they are moral cowards of responsibilities and obligations, duties and principles. They abused their privileges of having an adoptive child in their care. And they used everything to have hidden their fucked upness. It all depends on relational influences and persuasions. 

Knowing that I hadn't lived a full, rich life in Eskasoni. I know that I'd missed out on certain things in my life; because most jobs  requires heavy lifting..

I know morality in individualism is heavily used in their defense because they don't want any part of it; their toxicity or hatefulness to be exposed.

Knowing that I have to take duty of my own fuck ups. Donald J. Morrison is a specialist in deflecting and denying. Knowing that I don't have any real powers to run my own brain in my independent life. I need Mawita'mk Society in ways where I have to rely on them. 

Mawita'mk Society has allowed Dodo to come here and face me. Which is exposing me to the familiar abuser who discriminates, manipulates and humiliates. Gaslighting is his technique. Knowing that I have a good life here I don't think Dodo wants me to hate him that much. Thinking right about my situational morality, and situations, I know that I was beaten by the Morrison/Jown, Morrison/Doucette families.

They could argue what they accuse and discriminate. But they don't want me to run my own brain because Dodo craves controllability over his victims/adopted nephews. I hate the bastard.

Knowing that I have a good home here. I have a safe bedroom, a safe group home and a well respected place. Knowing that in this kind of stigma-free environment I am loved and valued in ways where I'm the annoying little brother to some, older brother to a few. And a intellectual authority in the family. Knowing that the Morrison family can be interpreted evil. I know that I have a bunch of good reasons with Billy Aquan. I have to start exercising doing old calisthenics or weight training, or aerobic exercises. I know that I used to not exercise on my spare time. I used to walk a lot but I wasn't allowed to go Fitness Center back in my teenage years. All my friends got to but me.

I know that I was mostly excluded from certain things like social clubs, organized sports, full-time employment and martial arts because of my conditions. I lost out on my own childhood and teen years.

All there was for me was childhood and teenage addictions. I couldn't get any volunteering for any Firefighter Departments. 

I couldn't become an Emergency Medical First Responder or anything like that. Knowing this I cannot do any heavy lifting because my stepfather said so. So I couldn't lift weights, do construction, lift bodies for First Aider and other significant activities that would've improved on my life. No matter how strong I've gotten, my medical problems would hold me back. And so would everyone else because I got no psychology for sales, I don't have the mind for counseling, and rock n' roll is out of the question.

I could do cardio but not martial arts. I am a criminal somehow. And learning that everyone wanted me stagnant, stuck and professionally quiescent. I know that my dormancy is something depressive. But I don't think I should work at anything.

I don't like beading, I hate arts and crafts. I don't like drawing and knowing that I only write without copyrighted publications. I know that my only way to live sucks because I cannot write for shit. My stepfather is right; I am good for nothing. Cleaning is out of the question; I don't have any strong immune system. And being in a refrigerator all day I would get sick; people tend to forget me.

Ah! I'm used of this kind of hopelessness. My childhood was lost, my teenage years was lost and in my adult years; I am lost. That's why I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business. I am not allowed to do anything. I am not a real writer and I don't remember simple routines. I don't like business; accountancy, finance and marketing. I don't know how to work computers. So I'm stuck here, quite literally.

Cannot drive for a living because it would require me to lift something eventually. Shit man! I cannot seem to catch a break. Knowing that I'm sadden by all this, I know that I won't be able to take good care of myself in any way.