Reminiscing About My Graduations

I was supposed to become financially independent, thriving and in routine economically speaking, when I reached that Mawita'mk Apartment D. There was supposed to be a successful, full-time employment at We'koqma'q One Stop. But Rosie have been telling me what I don't need and what I do need. She was managing expectations and emotionally gauging me. I wanted to live fully independent in that apartment. I know that people love to hold me back and learning because it's a type of ableism. I know that I wanted to have a good balanced life. Living up fully to my potential and having becoming fully licensed driver, has been my goals and dreams to work full-time employment, become fully licensed driver, to become fit, copyrighted and published. 

I know that Rosie says that I got some responsibilities when I do get my full driver's license. She's lying because it's supposed to serve for my independence. Everyone lies to me and cheats me out of my freedom. I know that I don't want to drive anyone around.

I was supposed to become financially independent in my twenties. I was supposed to graduate from Eskasoni High School and get my driver's license, go work for a place and earn a good living. Be used of paying for my own things like WiFi, rent, homephone and groceries; car, memberships like to Eskasoni Fitness Center, Writer's Federation and subscriptions. I was supposed to be spending my money on me instead of giving my money away to my sisters. Curly said she is willing to do anything for her grandchildren. Knowing this that means financially abusing me every time.

I shouldn't be babysitting for my sisters' kids when I'm on my own. I should be living my life to the fullest potential I can without family, kids of my own and be financially burden to pay for my sisters' crap. This financial/economic abuses that they do to me has been intense animosity towards me.

Knowing that I cannot trust my family anymore. I have to do things by myself. 

Knowing that Billie Jean would financially abused me in a controlling way. I know that I'm the older one; I should be taking control of my own life, motivations and energies. I don't want to stay at We'koqma'q community forever. I will eventually drive to my hometown and live my life how I see fit. I know that people are getting crazier in Eskasoni. Why is my sister Billie Jean in control of my life? Why is Rosie managing my expectations? Why cannot get my full driver's license? Why is there something always stressing me out? Why can't I get into economic routine like a full-time employment?

Because Mawita'mk Society is a regulated Group Home that manages, operates and regulates what is necessary in my life. I cannot choose for myself.

Mawita'mk Society had stripped me of my independence. And so has the family because they are old school. Mawita'mk Society don't want me to post my side of things because Rosie doesn't want to deal with certain people. Facebook has become a public forum where exchanging of ideas and philosophy has come about. Well used to be; not until old school got their hands on it. Everyone left me out of decisions that should involve me, be about me or is about me. Everyone talks behind my back and lies, cheats and deprive me out of my opportunities. Rosie and the Morrison family, The Jown family and Syliboy family has connived, conspired and schemed off of me for so many years that I couldn't get a grip in my life.

Dodo was my source of pain and shame. He hasn't been teaching me the right way. He has been teaching his way.

So have so many others. That's why I couldn't join sports, that's why I couldn't go off being an exchange student, that's why my step family wanted me to missed scholastic opportunities. They've deprived and lied to me to just shut me up. Knowing that I'm only valuable because I do shut up; I am no longer silent. I've been cheated out of my youth long before anyone got a grip on who has abused me. Everyone thought that I had a good childhood? I couldn't join martial arts, I couldn't copyright and publish my poems, I couldn't join a band. My stepfather had it easy life in his life. No money on me but the bare essentials. And knowing that I hadn't any good friends. I know that I don't have any life skills, trade skills, adult essential skills set to live my life how I want to.

The things that could've made me amount to anything, was denied because of the Morrison family didn't want to take criticism.

I know that nobody wanted me to develop, thrive or grow. The Morrison kept a straight frozen history and kept me down. Narcissistic Personality disorder suggests that they have huge egocentric biases that surrounds family and friends. They didn't want to admit something was wrong at the beginning. I had a home but what good was that if I couldn't strive for independence? I know that I did not join anything. My boring life have been their plot to scheme off of me my life opportunities. I know that I did not benefited from the Morrison family the way I wanted to because Curly intellectually abused me, dad economically and socially abused me, Dodo has physically abused me.

Now? I am financially abused by my sisters. Which my stepfather has approved of. People that have mentally, intellectually and physically abused me wants me to remained silent.

I couldn't even defend myself against a more dominant force in my life. I don't want to stay here because I know that I could learn to rely on family. I know that I've been beaten, battered and bruised. Sexual abused memories haven't been activated yet. And knowing that criminals would love to get away; I don't know who to trust. I don't know who is a criminal. I know that I don't have any respect for my independence at Mawita'mk Society because most of my old influences would be good enough to bully myself into routine. I was taught discipline but Mawita'mk Society doesn't trust my abilities, capacity, faculties or anything like that because there is a type of ableism.

There is also disablism which is a discrimination against disabled people. Knowing that I'm something of a unwanted person. A throwaway broken toy. I have to moderate myself in terms of Mawita'mk.
I cannot go off getting dates randomly. 

Knowing that I have to be careful for Mawita'mk, family and myself, I know that I have a sense of purpose, a good meaning, value and significance in my life like culture, sweat lodges, ceremonies. Well not right now but as soon as I get my second transplant kidney I'm going sweat lodge. I know that I want to be professionally routined into this economic human interaction called business.

I want to do business and have my own trade in Landscaping and General Contracting. I want to become a Red Seal Certified in Landscaping Horticulturist and Carpentry. Set up at Mawita'mk Society and start building and laboring in a certain way.

Yeah I've been like that, deprived and shit. I am motivated to get my Landscaping and General Contracting business. I have been wanting something like that. I need to get my Red Seal papers with Googoo or Darrel Denny. 

I want to be an official expert where I could always answered questions, problem solve geophysics and geochemistry. I want to be that knowledgeable like that. First order of business to start a business. Write up a business letter, business proposal, PowerPoint presentation, and work on advertising. And open up a business bank account and start a business portfolio. The difference between professional portfolio and business portfolio is that a business portfolio is defined as a collection of products, services, and other company divisions. This portfolio can also be referred to as the company's set of accessible resources that it uses to achieve its goals. It consists of investments, holdings, products, businesses and trademarks, logos, and brands. While a professional portfolio is a collection of examples and evidence to showcase your experience, capability and potential for employment and professional development.

But I am not ready for all that yet. First order of business in my personal health is my physical aspect like fitness and nutrition. 

Hopefully I keep working on my fitness until I can sweat out the fatness. I could learn something from Janey's daughter, Kelsey Stevens. I know that I could learn a lot with her because she has taught me a lot right from the beginning. I had been introduced to a Business Bank Account. Hopefully I can get Darlene or probably someone that is good with business cards, to develop better business logos, brands and trademarks. 

Hopefully I can spend my money wisely and operate, manage and share my skills with the We'koqma'q community. In ways I could access a lot of grants because I am a Indigenous descendant Canadian.

I know that I could get apprenticeship Certificates and complete the Apprenticeship Certificates training programs.

Which would look good on my business portfolio. Could Red Seal diplomas, Certificates and cards look good on a business portfolio? I'll just have to get in  shape with my body and than get my second transplant kidney. Get my hands on credentials and stuff, start my own business once I get a thorough education on safety and stuff. And than I'll make my moves to Eskasoni. I know that I need to work on my physical fitness first because I need my second transplant kidney. I could work on getting my "Ready Poetry" all copyrighted and published with Kelsey's help. I could get my own business up and running, have a professional portfolio and work for Googoo's Landscaping and General Contracting.

With the right people I could be makin' money off of several non-taxable incomes like recycling, beadwork, arts and craft, woodwork, royalties and more.

It's small monies I am getting. Hopefully I can learn a thing or two about non-taxable incomes. I know that I have been learning about options I could supplement my incomes if I had two jobs. Don't worry about uncle, my nieces and nephews. Uncle is always going through something. Living life is hard but that don't mean give up the fight. I have made my accomplishments and hopefully I can get copyright for my poetry and novels I hope that I could write out. I know that I have been getting distracted from my poetry. But handwritten poems is my specialty. Always looking to blame, which is a grieving process. My process needed to take place as I was learning to define my suffering into successes, goals and milestones, signposts and accomplishments.

I was sick most of my life and that's why my step-parents had to hold me back. They'd wanted me to graduate from Eskasoni.

I had to withdrawn and be resourceful. I could've played the chest club, Eskasoni Writer's and Poets' Club, I could've focused on my vocabulary (which I did and that's why I want to know so much). I could've join the Cooking N' Baking club. I could've focused on my fitness (which my stepfather helped out). I could learn how to landscape, garden and build. The level of living my life to the fullest have been reached because my stepfather was action-oriented, pro-active and active. I know that I was always going through something, which the poetry and Journaling helped out.

My family values and beliefs are intellectual integrity of moral philosophy which has been old school deficit-based approaches in violence, shutting me up and making me think right. Thinking right about my suffering has been a moral challenge in my life. To define it into keep moving forward.

The collective trauma of a family, group or organization of First Nation communities have profound criminal and historical issues that needs a Historical Justice Society. I know that I've been learning my role on this mixed family that have been revived in ways of faith and work. I know that Indigenous Individualistic training has been largely discriminatory, abusive and socioeconomically disadvantaging in ways where I couldn't get full-time employment, fringe benefits and perks of the job. 

My family have been learning to dominate each other in order to feel better about themselves. My stepfather has the bigger picture but I don't know if my siblings do. Apparently I am not in power anymore because Billie Jean says so. As a family we supposed to be collaborating with each other. Learning that I'm something of a minion instead of a personal leader in my own life.

I know that I don't have any powers or respect because my books mean more to me than what Rosie believes and values. Epistemologically I know that books are something that I have because nobody wanted me independent individualistically speaking. Learning that I have the range of human knowledge on my smartphone; I cannot trust my Google because it's an institution. 

I know that there is no more philosophy of "Search Engines" because institutions have taken over. Knowing that I've been discriminated against and abused over the years. I know that on my smartphone I will be technologically and electronically discriminated against and abused in ways of search engines. There is no more freedom of independent thinker's lifestyle. Resourceful beliefs and useful suggestions, strong values and principles. Morality issues have been raised and knowing that I don't have any balls to stick with what I say. Maybe that's what I need to do; have the balls to do something. 

Yes! I am an graduate of NSCC Adult Learning Program through School of Access, a graduate of NSCC Construction Trades Labor program through School of Trades and Transportation. Learning that my humbleness, my Languishing(muscular atrophization) and personal reputation have been pinned to the vicarious sense of respect and value. I know that trained muscles matter because it's the victors that uses ageistic authority, influential powers and engineering persuasions to convince the world.

I know that after the pains and shames; I was part of a clique. I had most medical problems because I did not have any ambitions to get work, to get in shape, to work on my driver's license and truck. My stepfather wanted me to be this silent sick kid who couldn't do much in my life. Learning my role in the Morrison family; I know that I did not have any smartphone technology or cellphone, I couldn't pay for my own laptop but I could afford my cigarettes when I was a teenager. I know that music was a thing, I had to buy my own CDs and VHS. And buy my own wallet and Walkman, pay for gas and stuff like that.

I couldn't invest in my own books. I know that I was learning to develop a linguistic taste for non-fiction. I know that at Mawita'mk Society I've been dateless since I got here. That's 13 or 14 years in the making. Learning that my role in The Morrison family, is the same as Mawita'mk Society's expectations.

I wanted to try so many things in my life with School of Trades and Transportation, with NSCC Kingstec campus' Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma program. I am not starting from scratch and I know that I'm extremely experienced in discriminations and prejudice. I know that We'koqma'q community isn't stigma-free but a nice community. Knowing that I am hated in Eskasoni I know that I have to make my impacts in We'koqma'q community. People should put away the hate because there is another discrimination based on your innocence. If you are a criminal you will be discriminated against. So there is a type of criminalism in ways.

There is no redemption or road to take. There is no redeemable quality in my life because so many wants me to "pick another profession". Learning that I don't have the right stuff to live my life.

I know that opportunities come once in a lifetime. And knowing that I'm not We'koqma'q Band status, I know that I will eventually move back to my old hometown apartment in 50 Horseshoe Drive. Hopefully I have a shit load of credentials in my portfolio since I have a Wall of Credentials. I want to show examples and evidence of my volunteer work for Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can stay on committed terms. Once I get well thoroughly educated from Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program, Unama'ki College, NSCC programs and ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute courses. And when I do have a rich diplomas, Certificates and degrees(Credentials) I want to put them into my portfolio professionally.

I want to be working on the next work plans of incomes in Eskasoni, or We'koqma'q community. I want to build a small empire and have all my abilities of leadership tested.

I want to get courses in Retail Council of Canada and Tim Hortons. I want to do a lot in my time where I could get my First Aid and other safety, health and other Certifications. 

Hopefully I can live a rich life when I do get my second transplant kidney. I know that my stinking thinking takes over sometimes but I have identified it and changed my perspective because I know that I have to work hard. What skills do I possess? Chores that my stepfather has called those life skills like cleaning and building, repair work and installation work. From my step uncles and uncles I have learnt electrical trade work, painting and dry-wall, and plumbing tricks.

I want to write songs, raps and poems. I want novels written and autobiography written. I want to have an oeuvre of copyrighted intellectual works published and hopefully worked on. I have been living in 74th street for couple years.

I want to return when I have, in my section of my portfolio Documentations: Certificates and Diplomas and Degrees a good collection of Credentials. I want to develop a good careers and graduations. I know that I could learn a lot with NSCC education and Community College. I know that I've experienced a good deal of positive influences and skills in NSCC Community College. Hopefully I can use the knowledge from all these institutions of schooling to my advantage. And develop a small empire in Eskasoni. Knowing that I don't really want to go back to Eskasoni, I know that We'koqma'q community could be something I would do.

Knowing the skills I've gotten from my stepfather's teachings. I know that I want to use the PLAR or RPL. I know that I worked with my stepfather who have build a good shed, decks, porches and other things that would help me in my NSCC programming.

But I'm going to take care of myself in physical aspect of my health which is cardio fitness and renal diet nutrition. Learning that takes commitment, I know this stage of the process of cardio fitness is the toughest. Keep going and keep at her until I lose weight. Hopefully I can learn to do it myself. And add to my morning routine taking a bath, brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day. I know that I want to have a long-term, full-time employment with Googoo's Landscaping and General Contracting business. At least until I can get my Red Seal papers in Landscaping Horticulturist and Carpentry. And become a professional, Certified Snow Remover.

That's when I do get my second transplant kidney. Those are the possibilities of having a rich, full life in We'koqma'q community. First I have to deal with my weight and drinking water too much. Moderation is balance.

The difference between being wanted and unwanted, more sexual encounters and it keeps going. I don't have that kind of experience because I know that I'm ugly, small in stature, I have no way to provide for dates or women, traditionally a man is the provider and the Morrison family severely disabled, disadvantaged and dissuaded me of my rights, discriminated against me and abused me. I know that my step uncles get laid like crazy. I have to attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business. I am nobody to these women and I don't have any self-efficacy, confidence in myself, trust in my abilities to get a date and discouraged to get dates.

I'm supposed to be an incel for Mawita'mk Society because I've lived an addict's life most of my life. Well all my youthful years.

I did not have any sexual encounters that would assure me of my sexual value. Knowing that I've been learning that women are stubborn, determined to make me go through an elaborate process. And probably don't want me. I know my sexual market value is lessen in the eyes of the Morrison because they didn't allowed me to become financially independent. I am sexless and have no way to attract any female into my life because they would rather fuck my family members instead of me. People are unkind and I don't have any powers or respect.

Remembering My childhood I know that I had periods of malnourishment in my life. I had nothing to amount to, have no relationship experiences, good apartment experiences or had anything good but music. Knowing that I was disposable and unwanted I know that I don't fit any women's criteria to be a provider, sex symbol or anything.

I did not have any good sexual encounters in my life because I am supposed to be an incel. 

Learning that I just have a level of education, training and driving level I don't think my family wanted me to be accomplished, they dould wanted me to live my life with Mawita'mk Society without being disruptive, argumentative or standing up for myself. 

Ownership of my personal leadership has been ignored because I know that I don't attract women; I have learned that I'm less of a man because I haven't really became financially independent in my twenties. I've been learning that I don't have any potentialities, possibilities or realities of sex.

I had sexual encounters but my step uncle Chuck had more. I know that I don't value sex like he would because he is into hypersexuality. Moderation is key and a good conversation about Musicology, Muchmusic or rock n' roll history would be interesting.

Trained muscles matter because they make up skills, strength and endurance. As long as I'm weak and untrained by experts. I know that I don't have any respect or power to fight back. Learning that it's the victors who make the story, controls my mind and emotional intelligence, have influential powers and respect, have a lot of good treatments. I know that trained muscular physical strengths and powers show dominance. They get to tell the story and have their side heard. They get to choose what they get over, what to I should believe in and what I should value. I believe there is an ageistic authority in play at Mawita'mk Society. I know that with power comes corruption; with unlimited power comes unlimited corruption.

Clyde have shown that trained muscles matter. And having the support does too. I know that I'm nothing to these ladies because I got nothing in my arsenal.

I have no domestic authority, I have no vehicular respect or don't have any experience that justify being treated like Clyde. Knowing that he gets away with so much I know that Rosie doesn't hold accountability and responsibility to them. She loves the fact and she could do whatever on her free time, but she loves the fact that Clyde owes me and disrespects me. This leads other workers not respecting me because I am physically weak, I have disabilities and weaknesses. Being humble means I have to stay weak, powerless and disabled. I know that there is a disablism and ableism to a degree. I know that I don't have any powers, values or respect.

Being weak has cost me dearly. And learning that's what the Morrison family wanted from me. I know that they don't want me powerful, respectful, physically in shape and well trained.

I was supposed to become financially independent in my twenties. I know that muscles matter and money. Classism, disablism, ableism, sexism, colorism and other forms of discriminations that have made into the community of Eskasoni has hindered, stopped and left me hungry. And dateless. My step uncles had a field day with me. Punching me, taking my food and confidence and stuff. And so many other people too, in Eskasoni.

Now I know that measurable length and fathom which I am hated, controlled, intimidated, manipulated, humiliated and deprived. People are willing to steal from me and RCMP was letting the people get away with it. I was beatened, man-handled, battered, addicted and bruised. I know that people are willing to get away with so much in my life. Learning that I'm that measurable target in Eskasoni, I know that I don't have any measurable muscular strength or endurance. People mess with me because I got no muscles. 

I know that I couldn't defend myself against Dodo's corrosive corruption. And having no role model, no parents willing to defend me or have anyone in my corner against the Morrison family. I know that I was trapped and stuck where I was; considering that paranoid schizophrenia is an incurable disease. I cannot mentally recover from it because it's chronic. I am stuck at Mawita'mk Society without the potential of living my life independently, thrivingly and on my own completely. Dateless and powerless; I know that I'm something of a joke and laughable person they laugh at.

I am short, fat, weak, poor, second generation indigenous descendant and a nobody in the dating world. I know that I have no control over my own destiny or to attract any females in my life. If I did I would've had sex long ago. I know my sexual market value; I am nothing in there. I have too many disabilities and weaknesses that I cannot do anything. And that's the way the Morrison family, Mawita'mk Society and others want it that way. 

I may be an uncle but I sure as hell have no power to that title. Learning that my sisters don't want any male toxicity in their kids' lives; I know that in terms of psychological respect. I haven't any powers to help my nephews reach their manhood. I know that I was learning that my sisters don't fuck around and find out. It's female toxicity in my nephews' lives now. If anything I would've taught them better to defend themselves. 

Knowing that I hadn't any self-efficacy in my time in We'koqma'q community. I know that certain people discourages me from exercising to my fullest potential. I know that I'm not sweating because I need to lift more weights, walk a lot longer and quicker, I need to up my game.

I believe there should be a stigma-free, unbiased and respectful place. But not based on ageism but rather diplomacy and brinkmanship. I know that people have controlled me since I got here. Ever since my sister Billie Jean thought I had a mental issue at Leonard Paul's apartment building. I know there I was hated and bullied to not tell the RCMP what Dodo and Itch done. Assaulted me in my apartment. And invaded me.

Its the muscles, the trained muscles that could make up the rules and tell people what to do. I know that women respects this, men that don't bow down easily wants to train hard for vengeance. 

I don't need vengeance or dominance. I know that some people need it in my life because their worlds are fucked up. And I'm the weakest, poorest and ugliest guy that they know. So what value, significance or meaning do I have to people? I am a walking role model. I am an graduate from NSCC Adult Learning Program, from NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and Unama'ki Driving Program. I am an uncle that could teach life skills, to have an epistemic curiosity. To develop taste in non-fictions. I am an older brother who has leadership skills and psychologies. 

I know that I have to protect my siblings' emotional safety. And build a path of careers and jobs that could prove useful in their lives. I know that I'm a role model to them because I have a level of education, training and driving level. I have wisdom from life experiences to develop patience, focus and strengths to do what I need to do. I have to have guardianship and protection over neutralism, diplomacy and brinkmanship. I have to be unbiased and use strength-based approaches, with resourceful beliefs and useful suggestions, in order to teach them (my siblings). 

I know that all my life I've been looking for a life worth living instead of listening to my step family. I think I could do better in ways without my family, Mawita'mk Society and others. Knowing that I have good mornings here I will miss this place dearly. Sometimes I don't want to get up and other times I feel determined. I know that financial motivation is my step uncles reasons to ruin a good name. I know that my sexuality is determined by Dodo and Chuck. And in that I cannot have intellectual confidence, holistic self-efficacy, personal trust and faith in myself. 

I always have to work towards something. I know that my step family hasn't really proven themselves useful. And knowing that morality and ethics can serve as a fiction to hold people back; I know that my step family has proven themselves deadly and manipulative. Knowing that I need those fundamentals of learning, doing, using and earning. I know that I don't have any philosophy to it yet. 

How do you philosophize your life into a philosophical, psycho-historic and culturological argumentation of these kinds of fundamentals? I know that I've been learning that my step family was trying to hold me back. And knowing that they've wanted me to drop out of Eskasoni High School. I know that I don't have any vacations from any full-time employment. 

The range of my respect has limits. I am the Forgettable Son, the Lost Graduate, the Powerless Uncle, grandson, writer, Poet, Father. I know that I don't have anything attractive about me. I am a paranoid schizophrenic who couldn't get laid by hot women because most of my friends do them. I know that I don't have any side chicks, chicks in my phone or anything like that. Mostly they are frienenemies. Using my name to their advantages. And I know that people hate me because I am a nerd. Mostly because I am an second generation nerd. 

I know there is good and evil in this world- was, is and always be. That is a dichotomy that we cannot escape but what if there was situational forces at play here. What if there was an empathic quality that situational morality could help out with dealing with the institutional systems? What if there was an freak injury that have left you incapable to have a conscience? What if neuroethics could change how we gonna approach children and elders? What if there was a stigma-free state which we could nurture and then teach strength and power to young males? What if I taught them the conscience of personal power? And the responsibility of social powers? 

Through science fiction we have imagined a better world through Star Trek, Star Wars and other universes. I know that these stories have a great impact; good or bad- to decide your moralistic or immoralistic. I know that people have suffered a little and it's good that we see good triumph over evil. Ghostbusters, Marvel universe, DC universe and Battlestar Galactica. 

We always wanted the comforts of a Galaxy Starship spacecraft. I know that scientific reality is making science fiction come to life. We have imagined communication devices small enough to fit in our hands. At one time ago that wasn't a reality. We had to imagined that with our corded homephones. I know that we had to imagined our Metaverse and E-commerce. We had to imagine technological wonders that have shaped our world. 

VCRs, Tape Rewinders, video games, home entertainment, music, art and home videos. I know that we had to imagine or come up with an idea to use. Everything we have imagined we have created. I know that in science; it's non-fictions that have shaped our thinking and create new spaces for more science, philosophy and individualistic applicability. What we can work on in our workable world. In the realm of possibilities and potentials. 

But situational forces have played majorly in the course of Institutional egocentric biases that have served those fortunate sons and daughters. I know that the simple assumptions of right and wrong, could be a misapprehension that have misguided thousands and thousands in this world. Again social dynamics have played crucial roles in the development of technology, science and philosophy. But who gets through depends on the Doctoral Committee who'll decide your fate. 

Learning how traumas dysregulates the mind, how alienating our mainstream culture is, how toxic certain narcissistic personalities can be, and what onerous and frustrating chores raising a child in this society can be. I am the older brother and I should have more empathy and compassion for my sisters and brothers that are parents. Learning to raise them in a society that have little to no compassion. And how certain disabled children can be. 

I know that I wasn't the ideal child to take care of. I know that I was loved in the best possible way that was the current understanding. In today's society you could get canceled out by cancel culture. Be run down by racists from different races. And have everything but still be lonely. I know that I am no coward. I know that people don't want me intellectually brave. Defending myself and arguing back. I know that I am hated in ways where I don't have any respectability, prestige or even honor. I know that I cannot talk about people in NA or AA. I have to figure out how to write about people without naming them.

Through NA or AA I don't want to go back and have to deal with a bunch of moral cowards that don't want intellectual bravery, courage for a public forum, or have faith in the process. Don't act you know what I'm talking about. I was talking about grief and you were focused on me. I know that I don't have any respectability in NA or AA. But that don't mean you should know what the fuck I was talking about. 

It's just another moral cowardice I have to deal with. I know that I have read books about brain science of right and wrong, I know that I am not perfect but I try to explain myself the best way possible. And learning that I don't have muscular strengths or influential powers to stop anyone from having sex, or fighting, or talking. I know that I'm nothing because everyone thought that they knew what was wrong with me. Comprehension, interpretation and understanding is allowed by ageistic authority. They are anti-intelligent and don't want me to learn from the best.

Knowing that I'm hated by people that wants a measure of their controllability in my life. I know that I have seen moral cowardice at work; I know how it could corrupt and tear apart family opportunities. I know that I'd lost my stepfather long before I could tell him about certain things in my life. He ain't dead yet but he doesn't love me because of the hell I'd put him through. 

I know that I don't disregard anyone. I think and cerebrate about my little encounters. Everyone is so afraid that I would make a status about them. I know that I'm easy to pick on and in my defense I wasn't taught any different. I know that I didn't have any sexual opportunities, moral opportunities or driving opportunities. Or employment opportunities. My lost opportunities have been because I was a responsible, functional addict.

I know that people think differently, have difference in opinions and don't want to accept that I was frugal in my twenties. But I was and I don't think types of discrimination will work with addictionism. Discrimination based on stereotypes of addiction. I know that discrimination is prejudicial treatments and prejudicial distinctions in terms of preconceived notions. And I know that a type of criminalism; a type of discrimination based on criminal status, is a way of preventing understanding that's needed for Criminological empathy. 

I've been treated like I was powerless and helpless when I had a mental issue. I know that I had to quit and work on my self development. My progress is living this lifestyle at Mawita'mk Society and learning in time to use my coping skills. I'd made it this far in my life. And I want to keep going. 

Than again I could be exhibiting anger and frustration over my losses over the years. Morality issues neuroethically speaking has been something that I've been struggling with. And knowing that I had a lot of grief over the years in We'koqma'q community. I know that individualistically speaking I'm responsible addict. I know that I don't have a perfect life or a perfect sex life. But lately I've been having good mornings. And knowing that I don't hide from anyone. And I know that muscles matters. I know that I've experienced weakness and disablism.