My Life Pt 1

I know that my life could be interpreted, understood and comprehended as both miserable boredom and ideally simplistic. I lived a low-income life where my economic opportunities were about small monies. And knowing that my low-income was supplemented by picking pop bottles when my other jobs wasn't readily available. I know that I wanted to become working class, full-time income. I had to move out of my hometown and work on myself. This was the seminal truth of an awakening plans. I wasn't workin' and my life in Eskasoni hasn't amounted to anything.

So I'd moved out of my hometown and worked on myself. Learning it'd much more safer away from Eskasoni. I've been out of Eskasoni for fourteen years and nobody misses me because they are same old schemers. I remember when my step uncle Dodo stole from me.

I know that I was experiencing so many abuses and discriminations; I couldn't live a proper life. My step family have dominated my life and I couldn't really prove that it was them without proof. Sure as hell they weren't going to tell people what they've done. And knowing that if I do move back I have to take a lot of security and safety measures to my hometown apartment. I did lose couple of family members in my life to violence. And I'd lost my kidhood with End-Stage Kidney Failure. I could say that I'm a veteran at this kidney n' addictions stuff. I know my limits and I know that certain friend of mine didn't care about my disabilities or potential mental illness. Nobody wants to tell me if it's drug-related or naturally occurring. And I think it's drug-related mental illness.

I had a lot of supports in my life for the longest time. Well sort of, since I gotten my First Transplant Kidney, I was independent.

I did not have a full-time employment in my twenties but I did have Eskasoni Welfare and had no GST or Christmas bonuses in Eskasoni. I did not have any online accounts or online banking. I knew that I could get hacked and I'm thankful for some online blessings. I think. My life have been ideally simplistic but a miserable boredom at the same time because I had no organized sports experience, no special skills or creative section to my portfolio. I did not have any long services in an occupation but I have a long experience in renal stuff. I could be employable in ways of being a Life Coach.

But I wouldn't want to be trapped in ways where I have to go through proper channels of job search. I don't want any job for that matter. I don't like beadwork but if you make me do it; I would because I would try to take pride in the creative process. It's manual labor, kind of and I have a good feeling.

I could become a Skilled Craftsman or Certified Artisan. I know certain people that wants me to fail and learning that native, and non-native don't want me to thrive outside of my hometown, or in the city. I know that I was severely bullied and traumatized. Knowing that old school wants me to defend them on here. I know that they don't know strength-based approaches, resourceful beliefs teachings and useful suggestions. They would rather despair and have critical views because they are fatalistic. Their passive acceptance or passive resignation to keep on fighting is not acceptable. I know that my step uncles have been not wanting to change their lifestyle. And become responsible addicts who are former, that have a good understanding of psychological warfare and works in ways. I know that they could write textbooks psychological warfare operations autobiographies for years to come. But getting to the root of their problems?

That comes with patience and understanding. 

You'll have to suspend certain beliefs and work around their fucked upness. We are all fucked up but I don't know what generational knowledge I don't know. Being targeted and focused on, I know that I don't have any powers to stop certain people from doing stuff. I know that I've been discriminated against and abused over the years. Morality issues neuroethically speaking is their brain science or psychology of boyhood into their own fucked upness. I know that people; once they've stepped into despairing moral abyss, they walk it alone into the powerlessness over addictions and traumas. Knowing that I've been learning to cope and deal with myself over the years. I know that I was loved and respected at one point in my life, no matter how infinitesimal it was. I know that my biological mother's story needed to be told and explained. I've been trying to piece that story together.

I've been looking through an empty glass, not knowing the other side. I know that today I need my real father and mother more than ever now. Knowing that I've lost both parents and in that I have to piece together their love stories. I know that I'm happy that my real father have been at rest. I don't want to disturb my parent's rest. I know that I was loved and appreciated, respected and valued, accepted and thought of. I know that my parents have been a big impact in my life for questionable love. I know that my parents loved me but how far would they tell their stories? I don't want to hear any gory stories but I want good stories. I think they've done that and I know my own birthday. Knowing that I've been learning that I don't know the generational knowledge I need to know for generational curses. I know that still haunts me in ways. I think I know my parents' love stories and how they got divorced. Learning this I think I got the picture needed. I think...

At Mawita'mk Society I know that their extent of their care resides in this house. But I could be wrong. My life have been interpreted as both a miserable boredom and ideally simplistic. But I'd experienced the ideally simplistic in ways where I could cooe and have my low-incomes and small monies. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business but I'm kind of working on that. To increase desirability I have to get in shape and do cardio fitness and weight training. In order to have attractive qualities I have to work on my criminally vulgarity and work on perception of deeper proportions. What I could see instead of superficiality.

My stepfather has snuffed out any chances at developing a personality. Or skills. I know that I only know landscaping labor.

I know that I wasn't developing any skills; that was the feelings and sense of helplessness he has created. But I need muscles for landscaping and lifting sods. I know that I care and have that kind of protective instincts about my family. But what about the man psychology I need in my life? I have it because I got the book: King, Warrior, Magician, Lover. 

It's an eBook from Robert Moore and Douglas Gillete. It's an interesting take on positive masculinity, healthy male boundaries and responsibilities, and a man psychology and spirituality. I love the fact that it has a good understanding of the current arguments of today. And still have a theoretical and intersubjective interculturalism that could be opened to anyone, and everyone. 

Multiculturalism has been something of a good talk. But I know that interculturalism is a form of philosophical, artistic, intertheoretical and intersubjective open-mindedness.

But has its' strengths in whatever culture you come from, or was raised on. I know that I have been learning about intelligent creativity and poetry. What words to use and how to write for effect. "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White. I know that when it comes to certain things I should be more concise. I know with my poetry my writings would come with more meaning in ways of styles and ingredients of essential skills. I know that I had a lot of doubters in my time. And knowing that I hadn't proven anything yet. I have to make this known; I cherish and treasure all my books and knowledge. I know that people don't respect me because of it. But my books are mine, I'd earned them and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyways I want to get my BA degree to see what's all that about. But my two main goals for credentials are Carpentry and Landscape.

I want to get ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute's House Cleaning Technician course and get start logging in that. I know that I could start a Yard Cleaning business. Hopefully I can start three businesses in We'koqma'q and build my workforce in We'koqma'q community. I know that I have to deal with Nova Scotia Apprenticeship Agency. And get logged in for the 4 years I have with each Red Seal path I choose. I hope that I could have fitness for efficiency. Hopefully I can learn to build a foundation for a business. And get my own credentials in Carpentry, Landscaping and Cleaning from NSCC Community College, ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute and Nova Scotia Apprenticeship Agency.

But psychodiagnostics has been my intuition at times. Not all the time but I usually see things and than ignore it.

I know that I'm afraid of controlling wives and sisters. Which I know that my sister has been controlling to a measure. Learning that I need to live my life how I see fit. I know that because I am not financially independent I don't get to say anything. I know that I've been surrounded by narcissistic personalities and controlling people. I don't want to be unappreciated, undervalued or devalued in any way. I know that I don't have any perfect sex life but I could live simplistically ideal. 

Knowing that ideally simplistic lifestyle only requires my stuff, books and pictures and credentials. I don't think I want a woman in a monogamous relationship.

I don't think I've cheated on women but have played them. Knowing that I didn't fit any criteria or standard for a monogamous relationship. I know that I did not have much sex like how sex is accessible to women. Women have been stubborn and difficult.

I don't know where I'll be in the next 20 years, but I have been learning that life is good I'm We'koqma'q community; not knowing what kind of life I could have in Eskasoni with my level of education, trade training and driving level. I know that if I stay in We'koqma'q community long enough to reach a level of cardio fitness, where I'm eligible for operation for a second transplant kidney. I hope that I could stay in We'koqma'q community after the operation long enough to start a few businesses in We'koqma'q community. I know that I want to stay in We'koqma'q community long enough to get my list of credentials and become fully licensed driver, fit and on the right path where I could live by myself.

I want to grow accustomed physically to the economic routine of paying my own memberships, subscriptions and more in We'koqma'q community where I have a lot of good online banking. And copyrights.

That list of credentials I want in my professional portfolio. I want to build a business portfolio where I could say that I've been responsible for the operation of my own businesses. I want to have a family and friend Clientele where my start is a proving my skills. But the first order of business is to get my NSCC Certificate and NSCC diploma in Carpentry, NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma and ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute courses. And start my job with certain people. I want to learn the business and get my expertise in trades by professionals who have been here for years. You don't become better than people but improve on yourself; the superior you that have granted understanding and compassion to this toxic, cold, hateful and animal world. A man that has spoken of love and hate but have no perfect sex life. A person that could admit that in innocence is stronger than me.

I want to focus on my self development in terms of preparing for financial independence. I know that Home Economics has taught me the difference between my personal finances and family finances. My parents have taught me life skills to an extent but Home Economics have focused those skills into a responsible addict. I know that food wasn't supposed to be used as a punitive measures. But a right to have in face of health crises. I know that Industrial Arts have taught me car maintenance, how to build certain things, fabricate and overall safety measures, tips, practices and customs of machine, hand and power tools.

Home Economics have taught me to cook and bake, food preparation techniques and perceptible measures of temperatures and nuances of food and slight changes. I did not have any chemistry teacher and no, I did not benefited greatly from my hometown school.

Well I did not benefited fully from my Junior and Middle School. But my teachers was giving their efforts to have me develop and grow while my step uncle Chuck kept me from schooling. I know that he took away my personal powers and rights but I kept trying to learn. Truth of the matter is that he hated me so much that he didn't want me to enjoy my schooling or learn how to take responsibility for my own actions in school. Every possible measures of stopping me from learning was used, reframed and earned. I couldn't really control my step uncle because he wanted my schooling to suffer.

Knowing that I did not have any good understanding or anything like that. I knew that Chuck wanted to ruin my life in ways of schooling so I wouldn't get into a good college or university. I know that I did not benefited fully or richly from my schooling experience in Eskasoni because of him.

But that's the thing, they've never misguided but taught me things I could work on in my twenties. Non-taxable incomes like fashion, beadwork, recycling labor, doing odd jobs, demolition jobs and errands. I get twenty bucks for delivering on foot. And knowing that I could have a landscaping business on Canada Business App. I know that I could work the community's yards doing lawn maintenance, yard clean-up, building and other services like repair work. I could do free yard and back yard assessments, calculate the cost and hopefully come to an mutual agreement of financial compensations. 

I don't like working at all but if I could enjoy it somehow. Maybe I could get a good understanding of duty, commitment, sense of service and purpose, job satisfaction, pride in my work, perks of the job is seeing the back yards. And identifying and locating places around the community. I know that I could get a good workforce in my own business. Small business scale quality until I can get my NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma. And than my Red Seal papers in that. I know that I could build certain things. And fix certain cars.

I could open a business account with RBC and have a business debit card and a business address card. Have those fixed up and get my lawn mowers, weed whackers and other landscaping tools. And start doing the laboring part. Hopefully I can get enough workers to cover friends and family. 

I have a sense of purpose and service, I am well adjusted to We'koqma'q community, and just have to lose my weight and do weight training, calisthenics, cardio fitness and nutrition. I know that I have a good group home and everyone here is an excellent staff member. My benefits for being a Mawita'mk Member, Mawita'mk Work Program employee and client is having my membership paid for, having vacations after a summer of work, and a winter of fitness. I know that I have a job which is a professional routine experience. 

I know that I'm happy where I'm at; just have to go out on dates and fucks. I know that I don't exude confidence or have personal power, personal leadership or personal independence. I know that I have a personal finance but I want to get socioeconomically well adjusted where I'm working, exercising, cleaning, keeping up with my place and having a full-time employment. I know that I work hard when Cat Toney is at work. 

I want to be socioeconomically set up, well adjusted to the professional routine of a job, and save up for my own car. These possibilities are well within my right to work on. I have a level of education, training and driving level which I could benefit greatly in Eskasoni. But I want to stay in We'koqma'q community long enough to have set up my fiber op, my cable and my car at my place. I want to put efforts into my own life. And I want to have a long-term, full-time employment where I'm socioeconomically well adjusted to paying for my own stuff. Making a career and enjoying the benefits of the job. 

I know that intellectual/moral cowards don't want to read non-fictions because they refuse to understand the works. I know that I have been reading about The Lucifer Effect by social psychologist Dr. Philip Zimbardo. And been reading Dr. Gabor Matè's work on The Myth of Normal. I am learning a lot about women and mothers, how motherhood could be a lonely road of righteous raising and making way for their child or children. I know that I've read Trauma and Addiction by psychotherapist Dr. Tian Dayton. I'd learned a few new words and ideas from her. 

Dante's Divine Comedy my step uncles haven't read. I know that cupidity is in the Fourth Level of hell and lust is in the second level of hell. I think. Knowing that Medieval literature has interesting way of expressing, I know that I have a good collection of books. World Masterpieces: Through the Renaissance is where I have Dante's Divine Comedy. I know that I'd ordered a few books in the past. And in today's world I have online accounts and online banking. Which I have Indigo bookstore account. And Amazon account which I could order from if Indigo bookstore don't have any.