The Recovery and Reflection of My Life Stages: Grief over The Years

I've been grieving for some time now. So many changes over the years in my life. And so many staff changes at Mawita'mk Society. 

I had a lot of memorable moments and wonderful experiences in We'koqma'q community. And grief because of graduations, moving out of my parent's house, the losses over the years, going back to Dialysis. And having to move here was my biggest grief of all. Losing a place in Eskasoni has been my greatest loss in my recovery and reflection of my life. Grief will be this sadden experience where I have to learn to live with. There isn't any five stages of grief and learning that we could get over this neglected and misunderstood process: I know that because I had a lot of deaths of pets, moving, and family losses over the years. And I lost my childhood, had missed opportunities and lost chances. There was a lot of instances that I could've used my own smartphone to post changes.

I wanted to have a Facebook account, Instant Messaging Identity and Instagram account. I wanted to post my youth on Facebook, Instant Message Windows and Instagram. Now and these days there are Microsoft profiles and I'd joined Facebook in early August 2007. The same year that Mawita'mk Society has opened up and celebrated their grand opening. Joined Twitter/X in the earliest July 2019 the same year when I'd moved back to the house. And I'd joined Instagram February 2017 so couple years before my Twitter/X account. I know that I have been grieving for some time because I'd missed how things were. I had a simpler time at getting my medications, prescription glasses and basic stuff like clothes, good food/groceries, shoes, hygiene stuff and cleaning supplies. I'd struggled with all that because I did not have any promixate shopping experience or had online shopping experience. I know that I could've gotten more dates online.

I miss my ability to do mathematics and my other ability to tell the date on a calendar. The ability to use my memories well and to have my own survival tricks in my memories. I know that old people figure that they could persuade anyone to use their life skills. I miss having my own independence or possession of my own faculties. I know that I don't have any powers to stop people from stealing my abilities or faculties. They treat me like I'm insane and the older I get; the worst it gets. 

Because old people assume that I lose my abilities they take it away. It's like setting concrete, this healing thing. When you have given time to cure you have been patient with yourself. I know that nothing changes for the better. Old people take away and not add things. I know this because I had right good math skills at first. When I first started this schooling journey. Learning that people expect mental math out of me, I know that they don't want me to do it right.

But grief is a complex and powerful emotion. 

Grief is a natural and normal response to a loss or change in life. End of an addiction, death of a pet, moving out of your parent's house or any other moving. I've experienced all these events in my life and yeah, I am armed with knowledge of grief to work within my emotional losses. I feel that I used to be more tolerant, patient and diligent to respect my elders. I used to be so accepting and open-minded that I loved everyone. Even the ugly bastards with rough personalities. I don't have any power to stop older people from being petty. They are making an ass out of themselves and I don't think Clyde wants me to be empowered with words to explain why he is pettily using his powers to get a ride in the morning.

I know that I don't have any powers to control who comes and who goes. Learning that Rosie wanted me to submit to a organization.

To be subsumed by the sea of conformity because I have a mental illness. Nobody cares for me the way I need to be cared for; learning that's what Mawita'mk Society wants out of me because my anti-authoritarianism isn't unique. I hate this situation I am in because people get to use their ageistic authority pettily. And they think I'll submit which I don't do that. Knowing that the course of my treatment depends on workers' moods and feelings. I know that professionally I wouldn't want this kind of job. Knowing what they have been through and knowing personalities and idiosyncrasies. I know that I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of old people and having to serve them.

I know that I am not well liked or trusted. I would've been with certain people. Knowing that in this socioeconomic reality I am nobody. I have no career or business long enough.

Learning that my stepfather didn't care for me when it came to job experiences. I know that old mixture of grief and anger because my biological mother passed on as a moral coward. And Dodo has continued that legacy well into my thirties. Grief can be such a powerful emotion that ageistic authority doesn't seem like a thing. I want to continue to grow my knowledge into an erudition of life. Even that is questionable because I don't think I have enough memories to create such a difficult erudition. I want to learn the necessary coping, trade and life skills necessary for certain things. And put all that into habitual thinking. Or simply doing out of routine.

Nobody should speak for me. I don't care how it affects my health; nobody talks for me. I am that strong in my life that I could become anti-authority, independent and intelligent. I have shared my knowledge of my life.

I have shared my knowledge of my examined life. I am at a crossroads where I could make something of myself through cardio fitness and working on my renal diet. And walking to We'koqma'q Tim Hortons. I know what I must have to do. The recovery and reflection of my life is well examined. I have people that secretly hates me but loves me physically weak. My stepfather is one of those people and I know that because of my vulnerabilities he exposes; I have to become stronger and better in terms of creating healthier habits and better coping skills. I know that I don't fit any women's criteria or standard. But I know that I am well supported by these women at Mawita'mk Society. I have to work on my cardiovascular capacity and develop a good workethic to develop my body into the ideal weight that I need for my second transplant kidney. Hopefully this ozempic injection will be taken care of by We'koqma'q general doctors.

That crossroads means that I have to leave Eskasoni forever. All Eskasoni ever was about for me was misery, suffering and addictions. I had attritional poverty; poverty that wears you down to lower your standards of yourself and be a bum. My step uncles didn't want me to earn nothing but that's the thing, I'd did. My step family tried so hard to hold me back through medical reasons and stuff like that. 

They all held me back from job experiences, sports, After-school programs and regular schooling. I had the Knockwood issues in my past and I had the Denny issues. I had a lot of issues in my past. Learning that people secretly hated me but wanted the power to be my fair-weather friend. Changing into my enemy at any given moment. Everyone loved me weak, vulnerable and isolated in Eskasoni. 

I had tons of enemies in my past. And learning that I cannot trust step family even. I know that I am loved because I got no fighting skills or muscles from training.

My stepfather has deprived me out of my muscular physical developments training. 

Learning that people don't want me to live in peace ideally and simplistic. I know that I have to get rid of certain people out of my life. Spoiled rotten kids is what I hate. I am physically abused because my stepfather didn't trained me but told me that "you're pathetic" or "you won't amount to anything". People think in Eskasoni that they could simply take stuff away from me because I am such a bitch. Learning about the inflation rate and how people are struggling to live by theirselves. I know that with my level of education, training and driving level I wouldn't make a good tenant.

In the first place I didn't have any good landlords. Every one of them wanted more money and wouldn't secured a good life for me. Learning that I never had nothing for sure with my stepfather and others.

Learning the younger they are; the more fucked up they are. I don't want any part of that kind of lifestyle. I cannot get a young hot girl because most of these Internet chicks are difficult to meet up with. And scary as fuck, always guessing what I want. I know that I want to develop muscles and fitness skills to perfection. I want to craft my body into something desirable. Getting tired of the same old bullshit. If muscles can transform my relationships I want to see it. Enjoying the youth I have now. I know that I need more hard work because I want to prove my workethic through full-time employment socioeconomic status. I know that I was happy with part-time and I couldn't care if I had a bill. But I wonder what it would be like if I did have more responsibilities like full-time employment? I am happy where I'm at and no doubt that if I do move; it would be more difficult because I got dialysis, no jobs and the inflation rates keep on going up.

I know that I have to live my life with Mawita'mk Society because they've been treating me with ageistic authority. Learning that I don't have anyone at my side; I think, is troubling and worrisome. I know that my stepfather didn't protected me in his care because I was traumatized, hypersexual and an addict. I wasn't drinking too badly, for them to put up with me that long. I just had to simply keep the music down and stop drinking at the house; drink out in the cold.

Native women that have a good head on their shoulders(with no deceptions or lies) have the best hearts and aesthetic pleasure in men. They could see beauty in every men. Well kind of. Learning that I'm unwanted by these women I know that I've experienced sexism, disablism and ableism in so many ways of hypergamous hypersexuality. I don't have the car and I am not competitive by nature because my stepfather snuffed that out of me. 

I'd gotten over certain grieving processes. Learning that nobody really cares for me and in that I am nothing but an experimentation to some. My biological mother would've been wanting to come out with her secret by now; if she'd lived. Knowing that I don't have any long-term relationship experience or any graduations from my hometown. I know that I need to work on my cardio fitness. Knowing that my biological mother was a moral coward and died as one. I hate the fact the way she left us. Puts the responsibility on me to tell her story. 

The cultural perspective on things is that I have been learning these expositions, scientific explanations and personal essays. I know that I have a culturological argumentation waiting in the back of my mind. People force their hypersexual beliefs into my head in order to have attractive qualities happen. I know that if I was attractive I would've had a teenager in my teens or a good woman. 

But I have to make solutions and continue to live ideally simplistic because the emotional safety and emotional protection I have to measurably use in my own social intercourses have Transactional Analysis to my understanding of psycho-history of human relationships. Changes over the years and the losses I've suffered. I know that I did not have any benefits from my step family because they know me well. They know my private moments, they know my intimate thoughts and that's why they are my biggest psycho-historic obstacles to get into college or university. Well it was but now I have to thank them for motivating my ass. I could write from an Indigenous perspective in a cultural understanding of Games People Play or Transactional Analysis. I know Freudian concepts and I just got to read the books I got and eBooks. That's what I mean when I say culturological argumentations of psychoanalytic works and psycho-historic works. 

The stimulus-hunger and recognition-hunger in kids are a growing factor of establishing oneself in a presence of said target. Or intended target. I have been emotionally satisfied by my step parents, learning structure and strictures of my discipline. I know better than most of my generation. Learning that there is a lot of knowledgeable people in We'koqma'q community but they only know gossip and rumor. Learning that there is a lot of time to think that I've been discriminated against and abused over the years. But I had the necessary coping skills and practices to keep forbearance and work in my life. My step uncles wanted me to fail and they are moral cowards. Knowing that they are using police forces to keep me from exposing them as egocentric biased narcissistic personalities.

Blaming everything on dispositionally biased views on genetics and inner struggles. I never had that educated step father who wanted me as a son. I know that I was this sickly kid who couldn't do much. My step parents didn't know that I will myself into sobriety when I could. And knowing that emotional protection and emotional safety that I do need for my own emotional sobriety. I know that I'm at a safe place that I could thrive in. Building an inventory and investment of my time into Mawita'mk Work Program. Learning that it takes time to do and I have to do it. Because Rosie wouldn't allowed anything else in my life right now because I need to work on my renal diet nutritional meals and cardio fitness. 

I know that Sheila and Rosie and other workers wants to lay claim on my anti-authoritarianism. It's something that they want because they don't respect my anti-authoritarianism. My private moments and my most inner truths, is exposed because I came here and had to talk it out. It's never too late to do something about my own standing with Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can wait until the inflation rate goes down, and the cost of living is more affordable. I know that I don't have any respect because I got no financial independence, intellectual authority, confidence and self-efficacy shown. I know that I have a reputation of being a bitch to others and knowing that they don't want me there. 

My step uncles don't want to be corrupters. But I know that they are jealous of my opportunities and don't want me to succeed in Eskasoni without paying them. I know that I don't need to live in Eskasoni ideally simplistic because I have better influences in my life; surrounded by intellectuals who wants me to thrive and get better each year, have my life enrichened and saturated by love, experiences and respectability. And enrichened and saturated with self respect, shared beliefs and values, self-efficacy and personal leadership, significance and values, meaning and safety.

My step uncles was the focal points of my twisted logic of love, self respect, shared beliefs and values, shared environment and what a family meant. Like duty, emotional bravery to truths, emotional protection and emotional safety in my own home. Personal powers and agency in my own home. I know that I don't get that in Eskasoni but because Clyde; I've faced the same issues of home invasions and bullying tactics that he gotten away with. Rosie and Mawita'mk Society had proven this place isn't safe with certain violent outbursts. 

What relational influences do I possess? This question is associated with a sense of powerlessness, joblessness and helplessness. Learning that my step uncles and step family wanted me corrupted, confused and scared to talk about truths. Learning that I have to be careful with certain people and I have to work extra hard on my sensitivity and empathy. 

Knowing now that was all the power of a brokenheartedness. All the power of grief I was going through. I had a good cry and I know that I was happy how my life could be both interpreted as ideally simplistic and incredibly boring. I had Playstations over the years, I had ambitions beneath my feet, I wasn't going to give up that easily and I had enough with grief. So I gotten over the power of the moving from my hometown; started enjoying my music in the present moment, glad that I'm something of a modern scholar because I've graduated twice from NSCC Community College. And I just got to read and workout. I am rich with stuff in my bedroom.

I know that I don't need any financial help because I just got to work on my beadwork. Get back into building and Carpentry. Send love to my step uncles because that's old hatred. I hated my past life and I didn't know that I did because I'd seen it as both heaven and hell potentially. Knowing that isn't the case with Mawita'mk Society. I know that We'koqma'q community is a good community. It's peaceful and I have a lot of love and appreciation for my past grief. I know that I've romanticized my past and I have to have emotional bravery to confront my truths. 

It's a better life but eventually I want to move back to my old place. But if I start several businesses here and backend business online. I hope that I have my BA, NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma, ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute courses and Handyman business owner course, Retail Council of Canada courses and NSCC Carpentry papers. I also want to fit into that driving papers and licenses. I want to be employable and able to work any weekend jobs and week days jobs. In these days you'll need schooling and portfolio to impress your bosses. Hopefully I can get that Customer Service and Certificates from Tim Hortons courses too. Hopefully I can get 8 years of Apprenticeship in Carpentry and Landscaping; 4 years in Carpentry and 4 years in landscaping. To get my Red Seal papers. 

I know that a lot of Indian Day scholars don't want me to tell my side of my story because there is a lot to hide. People that are moral cowards sickened me. My biological mother was a moral coward and I didn't have any role models in my own life except on TV like Bret Hart and Hulkster. I know that I have been learning about Sting and other wrestlers. Culturologically they'd all shown dedication, discipline and self control in the ring. They committed fully to their character. And never backed down.

Learning that I know that I've been disempowered, discriminated against and abused over the years. Morality issues neuroethically speaking has been questioned and mentioned. I know that I need to forgive, accept and tolerate, be kind enough to decide my Redemptive works in my own blogging. And go for acceptance and tolerance of others as I try to forgive. No! I haven't trained because everyone is a moral coward picking on the weak. They are lucky I don't train in vengeance because I would've beaten them in their own games. Everyone that have hated me so far; are lucky that I don't vindictively train in weight training and boxing. They are moral cowards because they don't want me to get to my peak. They don't want me to develop muscles because I douldve beatened them. 

Muscles mattered and learning that I didn't step my game up. I know that everyone that have beatened me, haven't suffered muscles atrophy like me. I was discouraged at a young age to not engage with muscles developments for vengeance. My stepfather, at a young age, didn't want me to get into karate or anything that would've improved on my communication,  martial skills and muscles against my bullies. I've suffered the ignorance and inexperience of karate, judo and jiu-jitsu. I could've been the exceptional mixed martial artist in my hometown. And getting Jeet Kune Do in my repertoire. Hopefully I can understand the philosophical works of these martial arts and craft them into a more disciplined, Individualistic training. Adding daily routine to my exercises and forms and katas and having a sparring experience with my cousins. 

But I didn't because my stepfather didn't want me to have any upper advantages. I never had any advantages over my bullies because they are moral cowards that take out any advantages. My step family and my mother didn't want me to fundamentally stop my bullies from getting at me. Learning that I've been held back throughout all those years. My stepfather didn't want me to excel in any sports or fitness at a young age. Learning that he wanted me to suffer punitively because of his moral cowardice of my muscular physical developments should've happened. My stepfather is a moral coward because he didn't want me to thrive or grow successful or anything. 

I couldn't do any after-school programs or jobs, I couldn't copyright and publish my poetry, and I couldn't really control my life because everyone treated me insane before I could enjoy my own place. Everyone wanted me to pay extras with them only; that's a family and a community that wanted me to pay. I was financially abused and discriminated against and abused over the years. I know that I don't have anyone caring for me because they are in my head. They have my twisted logic of self-preservational,  Individualistic independence confused financially and economically. I know that I've been cheated out financially speaking from my sisters: Billie Jean and Catherine. Learning that I never had my own money long enough to figure out cost-effective ways to go Sydney and get my own Playstations. 

My landlords haven't respected my stuff; not like Mawita'mk Society. Learning that everyone wants me to give up the arguments because they don't want me comfortable in my own home. Personal powers and agency in my own home isn't what most landlords wants in Eskasoni. I pay for the space, I should have personal powers and agency in what gets put in there. Or who gets in there.

With Rosie Basques I didn't get that kind of respectability. I know that certain people didn't want me to live in peace, ideally simplistic and happy. Learning that there is egocentric biases that serves everyone in Eskasoni; selfishness that is unbridled and everyone don't believe in my needs. Even now my sisters don't believe I have financial needs or bills. My baby sister Katt Morrison(Catherine Morrison) don't believe I have subscriptions. Everyone assumes I would give because I don't have any sanity. 

There isn't any financial boundaries. Learning that I've always had money but nobody wanted to leave me alone because they were addicts; looking for a good fix or score. Renaldo Denny stole money from me when I was living Eskasoni, behind 74th street, on Horseshoe Drive. And nobody wanted to do anything about it. It was $500 at least. Maybe I was hallucinating because when I seen a person take my money; she said she was pregnant and I couldn't keep money to myself. It sounded like an excuse to steal money from me though. 

I have so many fears about a monogamous relationship that the workloads of a long-term relationship is harder because I have a lot of enemies in Eskasoni, who still disguise themselves ad friends. Knowing it's simply financial reasons why they want me to be a friend. I know that I don't have any respect from these bastards because they would fuck my lady, if wanted or not. I haven't stand up for myself lately and knowing that they want a fight in this weakened state. I know that they are moral cowards and want to bully me. All my enemies are moral cowards because they don't want me to be motivated, determined and have a workethic to do stuff. 

I don't think I'll appreciate my own woman. Every one of these country girls are going through something. Living life is the easier choice with me. Go on dates to simply fuck and clear my head. Knowing that I don't have any long-term relationship experience, I know that I am learning the workload of a monogamous relationship. Knowing in Canada the men in life cannot keep their women in their lives. I know that I wasn't given the best opportunity to develop my muscles in Eskasoni.