Defenseless and Blindly Amenable: Needing to Work Outside of My Hometown

Mawita'mk Society is a good place but some workers are strict for many reasons. I know that I need to work on my communication with some relationships I have. My friends have been more than supportive and encouraging. My friends don't want me to move back and so doesn't my family because I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I know that when I'm grumpy and hungry I want to go underground or simply leave the presence of certain people. My family haven't taught me to be defenseless and blindly amenable, they taught me to have the spine to accept and be humble to accept my crimes. I know that is the sober path I have to take in We'koqma'q First Nation because I am still wanting faith to guide me. I'd studied hells and multiversal dimensions of hells (social psychiatry). 

The Morrison family, certain family members have wanted to know the truths of my past when it came to Donald J. Morrison and my biological mother, Diane Mae Morrison. Yeah she lied and died as a moral coward but I have to put in the philosophical works for forgiveness and acceptance in this kind of family psychiatry. Learning to re-read the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy to see if there is any good works that could help me put words together and stuff. I know that suffering have been my life because I needed to work on myself to have a deeper meaning of coping skills. I felt defenseless and blindly amenable because I wasn't working my angles properly, I think. 

I was trying to get them to confess by feeling the pressures of guilt and shame. But they refused and had been making it worst on me by letting me think that every girl wanted it with hypersexual notions and stereotypes. I know that I needed to work on my life because I need to work on places where I was lost in space or drowning, lost at sea and needing family. I don't think that they know the monster that I've become because I know that I needed to learn without the emotional mess of my past. I have a questionable past because of certain cheating covered up with pedophiles' touching n' fucking. I know that I love and appreciate the certain Morrison family members who have supported me in my emotional messes of my past.

I know that I needed family and they were there but I needed to get Dodo (Donald J. Morrison/Toto) confess the truth long time ago. Now I need to re-assess my life with a bunch of new explorations and stuff like that. I know that they've treated me good and couldn't understand why I did what I did. I was taught at a young age hypersexuality and addictions and hyper-independence. I was happy that I got myself balanced but there was a power imbalance (hyperagency versus hypoagency and finding agency) that nobody wanted to address. Everyone blaming me for Dodo's story and learning that I don't have any real father moments anymore. I know that I have to accept and forgive. 

The heavy weight has been dropped and I know that I need to work on my therapeutics or words of forgiveness. I know that I am learning how to be open, honest and willing. I know that I didn't have any good icons or role models in my life. Those that didn't want to hear the cheating story was a moral coward and I have to accept that in my life. Rosie wasn't in my life at that time and learning that I needed a really good best friends. I had my inner circle of friends willing to protect me and stuff. I've been down this road many times and there still some stuff I haven't said. I know that I have to forgive my mother because she was a whore, a moral coward and a counselor. 

She was the one who has taught me to not do things without a reason. And Dodo and my stepfather has cemented that in their teachings and sayings. I got no good reason but a horrible, vindictive one that everyone will hate. I hate moral cowards and whores because most of them was in my life. I knew that I needed to work outside of my hometown. I am not a machine that you could program and set for years. I am an emotional being that nobody wants to address because I am a loser, a criminal and a putz. I know those weaknesses and I know that my step uncle Dodo won't accept that it's his fault for not coming out with the truth earlier. 

I know that certain people don't want me to work on that angle because they were working on many angles. Because I'd fucked his daughter he wanted my absolute corruption, demoralization and attritional poverty/addictional poverty? He wanted me absolutely stuck with him because he fucked my mother and wanted me to accept and move on without telling my stepfather? Psychologically he fucked me up with intentions of corrupting me and getting away with his crimes. He didn't want to accept that I'd fucked his daughter and he wanted to keep me tormented and abused under discriminations and misapprehensions. I know that he wanted me to fucked up badder than him. 

My family was toxic and I was getting beaten up, battered and bruised while my step uncle has taught me that every heterosexual women wants it. I know that I don't believe in him as my savior because he has been my moral corruptor. Learning that neuroethically I wanted to graduate and achieve my aspirations. Dodo had me in a guilt complex and shame n' trauma. I know that he thought he was right but every right has their counterpart or evil. Social psychology has taught us this because of Dr. Philip Zimbardo's work in Lucifer Effect, the badder they are, the sadder they are because they expected perfection. Well that's a little quote from my clinical therapist. But Dr. Philip Zimbardo taught us to be "evil" smart. 

See? I've been molested not by my step uncle or stepfather at first but by female teenagers. And the strongest woman I needed in my life was being a moral coward. Going back on her teachings and lessons. I know that I've been learning that I don't need Dodo to come out with the truth now. Everyone that has been learning my story has been wanting to hear it from me. She covered up my story because she knew that it was in sequence with her's. I know that I needed to work within my realm of reality and I needed to work on my tolerance of and understanding, through my sisters and female cousins. 

I know that I was introduced to sexuality, addictions and social understanding through my step family, and having to work on my concepts like philosophy and other studies. I know that I've read good literature from my uncle Francis Doucette's small collection. Learning stuff like Dialogues of Plato, Sigmund Freud's works Interpretation of Dreams, Psychopathology of Everyday life and other works. Dr. Carl Jung's Modern Man in Search of a Soul and other works. Dr. Viktor Frankl's work Man in Search of Meaning and other works.  I'd soon and gradually accepted my biological mother and step uncle are moral cowards, whores and former addicts. Potential lying and demoralizing and lowering of standards of what my role models should be. 

My uncle Charles have gotten his half-blooded brother to confess I think. I couldn't really prove my abusers because Dodo had that psychological warfare hold on me. Learning that Kelsey wanted to know my past. This is the Freudian rationalization I've used in impending of my step uncle's confession: people will be angry and pettily frustrated, upset and worried. The idea of me maintaining control and measures of security. Their Freudian slips have been noticed, knowing that flooding of memories and stuff. Knowing that they knew these sciences and stuff; they forced forgiveness or something like that in my life. I couldn't heal properly and I know that therapist don't want to address that. I know that I'm still emotionally wrecked by this mess. And Dodo has forced my emotional pretended sanity to be under the life of a lie. Nobody wants me to heal or recover from my past. So now I have to emotionally work intelligently on myself through my writings and therapy. 

Learning that I've been emotionally satisfied with the nonchalant lies and power imbalances. I knew this was my intergenerational curses, my multi-generational sexism and impacts, and my generational stereotypes and stigmas I've endured over the years. And a good deal of addictional shames and moral beliefs I was smaller than them. Most people wouldn't of made moral excuses to dominate my life. Neuroethically learning from books and stuff like that. Emotionally I needed recognition, stimulus and structured time. That's what my step family gave me. But it wasn't enough, I had to do and learn psychodrama. I wanted to do certain things and get over the shame. It's been studied that shame has their weight in abusers' relational influences and powers. Which they love the controllability, forcing beliefs and values, projecting their truths and facts. He wanted to dominate my life because he was a moral coward, a whore and an addict(at the time of abusing me). 

The science of lies(the body of investigative knowledge and research into this family) I know that I don't have any supports in my bloodline family because they are supposedly grieving. My bloodline are addicts too, hopefully I can visit them more often when I do get my cardio fitness going, my second transplant kidney and recover from that with Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can work on my workables, angles and other things that I'm working on. I know that I've been learning from my past a lot. And doing the cardio exercises; I hope that I could do it by going to Johnny's Gym and going on the treadmill. Let me re-phrase that: I want to walk down to Johnny's Gym and walk on the treadmill, down Johnny's Gym and then come out of it walking. 

I was taught to morally stand up for myself and reclaim my personal powers. I know that through childhood addictions of my past, I knew suffering was going to be part of my life, having pedophiliac Devils and criminological demons in my life. Learning that I have this hatred for moral cowards because I was sadden by the Morrison family of Eskasoni. I know that I want to build a happy life in We'koqma'q community. I want a life of peace, harmony and happiness. But I know that I want to have a growing lifestyle in We'koqma'q community. I didn't have that in Eskasoni; learning that I was learning to build a good professional reputation, a good reputation for being a blogger, a growing life in We'koqma'q community. I knew that my step family members wants me to build a good life in We'koqma'q community. 

This is my childhood in my hometown Eskasoni. I know that there are good people in Eskasoni but I hadn't gotten any supports so my step uncles wanted me to perceived. Knowing that there are different ways in which I need to work outside of Eskasoni. I need to live somewhere else. New York city seems to be a good place. Learning that I need to live my life with a level of education, training and driving level where I could work professionally in taxi, delivery, BA jobs, construction and ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician job. I might be able to become a Red Seal pipe system specialist and expert level building cleaner, building system Technician and Certified driver if I could schedule out my time properly in New York. 

Learning that forms of abuse and types of discrimination can have affected me in many ways. Ageistic authority(prejudicial authority) have been a good deal into interwoven into my life, watching my growth n' progressionary evolution. I know that the Morrison have two interpretations in my life, both good n' bad. Which every right has its wrong, every good has its bad. I know that no matter what I do; I cannot expose my family's narcissistic personalities and supremacy because I got no powers or respect like them. I know that I am not perfect by any means, I am a criminal who was taught to be a criminal. I have a criminal mind that have paranoid schizophrenic culturological argumentations in philosophy and psychohistory. I know that there is unpredictability status quo. Where certain people don't want to be figured out by certain moral cowards. Well with schizophrenia there is a biochemical imbalance which needs to be help with medications, proper support and regular activities. I know that I've gotten a level of education, training and driving level where I have a good idea that I could move to New York city. 

But I am not done with We'koqma'q community. I know that I want to continue with my learning, studies and researches. I know that people wants to destroy me. Learning blogger culture and tradition, I think I'm breaking some rules. And hopefully I can recover and be resilient intellectually because I know that I'm a intellectual authority. Learning that I have a workloads of goals, aims, objectives and targets. I know that I'm still emotionally invested into the lie. Someway I have to let go and Dodo knows that he has fucked me up because I'd fucked his daughter. I know that I need to emotionally work on my own psychohistory of my past and connect the dots my way. I know that Dodo represented the Morrison family of Eskasoni. I know that I hate that Moral Coward. 

I remember the comfort I felt when I first gotten here. I know that I was happy and on the right path of recovery in my second chance house. I knew that I wanted to do good for Mawita'mk Society's image, soul, brand and lifestyle they have created for me. I knew that with certain steps and moves I'll be making in name of level of education, training and driving level in We'koqma'q community; I would be able to have two communities in my life, Eskasoni and We'koqma'q communities. If I could work on my driver's license and Certificate in driving. I knew that I needed to work, practice and build up my self assurance in building, driving and landscaping. 

I remember MuchMusic still playing music in 2010. Country music on CMT and a good deal of happy solitude and socializing with Candice Sylliboy, Jennifer Googoo, Elizabeth Bernard, Sheila Johnson, Darren Prosper and Connie Peck. It used to be one worker at one point of Mawita'mk history. Many changes (I felt was coming) was coming gradually and at a good pace where I could focus. Learning that I've had good memories and wonderful experiences going to Tim Hortons near Baddeck way, I knew that I needed family and friends here. 

I knew that I could smoke any time I wanted, eat any time I wanted, feel comfortable much as I wanted. Clyde enjoyed my company but I knew that I needed to work on life goals like adult high school graduation goals and my NSCC Construction Trades Labor program. Hopefully I can return to work or get my BA degree. One way or another I'll have my own education or money saved up for a good car. I want to work n' save up for my own car. That way I could add that to my expenses in school. I hope. 

Learning to save up my money is hard when you have bumming sisters. I could say that I don't have any money. And work on myself. Knowing that I've needed help right at the start of my treatment. I wanted to work on my critical thinking, focus and habitual doings of routines. I wanted to learn what it took to have my own life put together without Ray or others coming to help out. In Eskasoni I always needed help and I hate that fact that I was small package. I wanted to be at least medium size threat and have my own muscles and skills in boxing n' martial arts like Karate or Judo. 

I'd bummed Billie Jean this time. But I need to start disciplining myself into strictures financially. I don't want to have to pay for their needs all the time. My car is another thing I need to pay for myself. Billie Jean or anyone else don't have any saying to it. Knowing that Billie Jean is aggressive when it comes to arguments with my money. She uses her counseling skills to manage me in ways she managed in the past. Her counseling skills have became manipulations for a good thing. I cannot trust her anymore because she's using innuendos, double ententrè and other methods to keep me down financially speaking. She keeps tabs on my finances and stuff like that in the past, at one point in my life she had access to my bank. That's financial abuses. Psychologically dependent on their approvals, that's psychological abuses. 

Being psychologically dependent on my younger siblings' approvals isn't what I want. I want to be respected, self reliant, responsible for my own place in Eskasoni, have my own jobs, have a scheduled mind and a need for my memories to be sharper and more useful. I feel that Mawita'mk Society doesn't want me to have that kind of usefulness, habitual thinking and self-efficacy into my own memory systems. This is what I mean when I say I'll be psychologically conditioned to rely on Mawita'mk staff to cook and clean. 

I need to focus on my routines a lot better. Trying to understand how to build effective successful habits. With my stepuncle's residual energy of the grip, I feel like nobody likes me but they do like me. I need to work on my own body and start cardio fitness like a real commitment. I want to show that Mawita'mk is strength-based, have positive concerns, resourceful beliefs and useful suggestions. I want to show that they are willing to encourage, have a good can-do attitude and workethic in their efforts. 

In my twenties I didn't have technologies to worry about. I did had real independence which everyone was ready to debunk. Even my past landlords wanted to debunk me. Everyone wanted me to lose financially because they are greedy. I cannot trust my own family with my money let alone friends and enemies. Dodo gave me that kind of impression; that I couldn't tell or distinguish friends from enemies. Still to this day I have people in my life that are still toxic to me. Learning that they want emotional controllability. They are moral cowards in that sense. Letting me feel out my emotional reality. 

Learning that I didn't have any supports to live a sober, peaceful, happy life in my hometown home. I know that I wasn't welcomed anywhere. The way the Joes were going at me. Financial difficulties were only when people reasoned that I shouldn't spend it on myself, for my own reasons and purposes. The people in Eskasoni didn't want me to be a seasoned veteran because I didn't fit their criteria or standard of a good worker. Learning that they always wanted me poor and addicted. They always suggested to smoke up or smoke cigarettes. We lost a worker. Mawita'mk Society has lost a lot of residents in the past. For me this is sadden news to bear alone. Hoping that I could see my parents in their graves. 

The loyalty I used to believed in, the commitment that I used to have, the dedication I professionally had. I know that with this secret I was tough, strong and faithful. My stepfather asked many times and I knew that he didn't want to hear it from me. Feeling like I was dirty, hypersexual, addicted and beaten, battered n' bruised. I knew that I needed my real father in my life for real peace, harmony and happiness. I was kind of happy how my life turned out to be. I am happy with who I am but regretful of the past. I know that I needed to recover and keep on marching. I was a work dog of war at the time I was in Eskasoni. Knowing that I was loved and appreciated, respected and valued, important and having a sense of purpose. I know that kind of psycho-culturology.

But most of my step family became moral cowards: my biological mother, my stepfather and my step uncle, which was my stepfather's brother. Nobody wants to say anything bad about the Morrison family of Eskasoni. Knowing that I don't have any long-term relationship experience, full-time employment experience, teenage driving and my own business. I know that my stepfather trained me to suffer the workload when I didn't have the muscles he should've worked on long ago. I have no respectability in any level of my life at the times I needed the personal powers or to be empowered by my older brother and biological mother. Billie Jean's aggressiveness served no purpose, no wisdom practiced and she is just half-blooded. She doesn't cover my full bloodedness of my family. None of the Morrison do.

Having no one to protect me and having no one to support me in any fashion or way. I know that I was learning hyper-independence and terms of being alone in self-sufficiency. I had to balance out the power imbalances and work on my own family pride. Billie Jean didn't want to go into that side of my family life because they don't care for each other. And I know that I wanted them to care for each other but they wouldn't entertain anything. They say that they care for me but to what extent and depth? I know that there are superficial and hollow extents.  

Than again my sister Billie Jean has been financially smart at manipulating my understanding into phone bills and other bills. I know that I could get a good thing going with my own beadwork at Mawita'mk Work Program. But I don't want to be stuck with this kind of job where Rosie pressured me into staying. I know that people wants me to return to We'koqma'q One Stop and hopefully make a good career professionally out of that kind of job. 

But I also know that I wasn't able to save my money up because I was with Bell phone company. Hopefully I can pay that phone bill off that my sister Katt Morrison needs to pay off. She owes me a lot of money for convincing me that it's a good idea to get a smartphone with my money. I think I'd loan Billie Jean money but she paid my half of the phone bill. And I gave Katt money during this time I had CERB checks. I know that I needed to get Katt the phone bill she owes me. Bad enough I had a bad credit with my older homephone company. Landline. Everyone stressing me out to get a phone do they could steal it on me. 

My step uncle and my biological mother have suppressed my truth. I know that I had to hustle and become fully workable in ways. Old school has taught me tolerance in the life of a lie between my biological mother and stepfather's brother. It works in ways and how this story is unfolding. It feels rushed, forced and controlled. Which I felt that kind of stress when I was living in Eskasoni. 

Learning that Mawita'mk Society is a safe haven for people like me. I knew that I needed to work on my physical fitness. And get into martial arts and boxing. I feel pretty good that I have a good Mawita'mk Support team, in that I have services and support from my hometown community. The light of being a responsible addict is in the humbled acceptance of the light shone on my crimes. I need a priest to confess my sins and become faithful again. I know that love, light and creative spirit is how I need an artist's sensibilities. No! I have an artist's sensibilities because I am a creative writer, poet and blogger.