Responsible Addict/Former Addict

Learning how words can affect people through my granny. I know that a blog can represent the life of an Indigenous descendant nerd bachelor through words. I know that my heart is broken and in that pain I want to spite everyone. But I've been through this before and I know that tragedies I've suffered, to losses and grief. I know that I've suffered for pointless punitive reasons. There wasn't any real moral outcomes other than the cycle of vengeance, hypersexuality and addictions. In the world of addictions I've been the responsible, functional addict who was discriminated against and lied to; that I couldn't work as a addict. I know that I wasn't that much of an drinker, learning moderation and monetary management through Rob Shipley. I know that he wanted control over my money. I know that Rosie took my ability to be decisive and strong without support. I know that people in Eskasoni took my attention from my goals.

She has dissuaded me from my sense of personal leadership, independence and life skills of self-sufficiency. Learning that is because I need support. The battle of sex rages on because certain people aren't taught certain things. Learning that women supposed to have intuition and empathy. Men are practical, able to and willing to learn, be emotionally intelligent and creative, have life skills philosophy and psychology. I know that I was taught the skills but really haven't put them to good use. Well I am insane but not helpless. I know that people could easily manipulate me in ways.

I know that I had both bad and good things in my Eskasoni life. Enjoying the heaven my step parents have created. I know that Curly wanted me to submit under her rule. She didn't respect me as a intellectual, independent thinker or anti-authority. She wanted me to choose.

Responsible addict is an oxymoron but I know that I am hated because I was making money. 

For 8/7 years of my twenties to teenage years I've been taking care of my friends who were toxic and those who wasn't toxic. I know that I am happy with the life I got and I'm excited for future endeavors when I do get my cardio fitness level, second transplant kidney and recover from my operation. I wonder what kind of life I could have in We'koqma'q community with a second transplant kidney.

What made indiscriminate hypersexuality and addictional poverty/attritional poverty to wear me down and force me to make a narrow-minded, necessary choice between health and addictions? I know that most people would mess with my narrow scope of reality because that's what they've created in me. 

Mostly the Morrison family of Eskasoni because the uncles wanted control over me.

Knowing that intersubjective interculturalism is something they wanted me to suffer out. I know that the Morrison family of Eskasoni didn't want me to be a Jown or Syliboy bloodline. They wanted me psychologically dependent on their Morrison pride and crest. The family has taught me to speak for them and to think like them. Most people would want me to develop a strong cultural/family identity with my lineage. My bloodline hasn't provided care I needed because they wanted their way.

Learning how unimportant I am to family. They only do stuff to shut me up. The bloodline is only morally lazy. And something of moral cowards. They dread the workload of having to come to me because they have egocentric biases. They don't care about me the way I should be respected because the bloodline wouldn't try. I know that without my Grammy they will always be out of my life.

While I live in We'koqma'q community I want to pay for my adventures in Cape Breton and other places of this world. I know that I want to learn new languages and pay my own language apps. I want to have a good multilingual understanding of languages. I know that I want to be a polymath and polyglot. A responsible addict learns in sobriety and emotional sanity. He learns to function and be responsible; learning socially and personally from elders. Well a former addict who have been learning from elders socially and personally.

People didn't want to help out with my life skills and routines. I know that people wanted to party and as soon as I said " I want to party" tentatively. I know that Rob Shipley has ruined my reputation. Because he was the one who set up the party. I know that I did not have anything in preparation of cleaning that house. 

It wasn't my house and my stepfather was toxic still. Letting Dodo beat me in there when I was in there. And stressing me out because there wasn't any real powers I had to do anything in that house. Everyone kept on making it hard for me because I was timid and scared. And everyone wanted me to party up when I couldn't really control my own life in Eskasoni. Relational issues and influences have been largely because everyone didn't want me to thrive in Eskasoni. So that's some of the reasons why I'd moved. I did not throw a party in my stepfather's house but I got the blame for it because everyone hates me. My sister is just repeating what she heard.

My decline in mental health was a long journey in Eskasoni. And everyone beaten me and threatened me. I was experiencing abuses and discriminations; still to this day I experienced abuses and discriminations.

Nobody wants to admit they are wrong because most of the people in, from and born in Eskasoni are moral cowards. They don't want to admit that they used forces and emotional reasoning, cognitive biases and logical fallacies. Yes! I was neglectful of that house and yes! I should've taken better care of that house. Learning that I did not have access to a phone or smartphone. I know that I did not have any promixate goals to build on the long-term goals. Which was lifelong duties and obligations for that house. I did not have any benefits from Eskasoni Chief and Council, or my neighbors because they are prejudiced.

Their truths, beliefs and values were offended because I did not clean that house! Well everyone could've pitched in like hell. I know that it takes too to tango but nobody is taking responsibility for cleanliness of that house. People would take advantage of sick people.

But with Eskasoni community I have to be humble and don't resent anyone. There is enough resentment in the family. Learning my family's stories and having some inkling of how certain shit started. I am reading works like The Myth of Normal, which tells us nothing is normal and why people play it off to be normal. So much traumas over the years and so much resentment in the family. Everyone is in deniability mode that I cannot stand. I'm reading books like Games People Play by Dr. Eric Berne who people say is the expert in psychology of human relationships. I am reading books like The Lucifer Effect by social psychologist Dr. Philip Zimbardo. And relationship expert Dr. John Gottman books.

Knowing that it will take a few years to read them all. Hopefully I can work within my realm of possibilities. I don't search for my feelings like how I used to. I was a fool in believing that people wanted to hear my story.

Learning that I hadn't opened up in a while. I know that I have to meditate and focus. My sister keeps me humble because I have been arrogant before. My stepfather and biological mother didn't see eye to eye; learning how toxic the family can be. I know that I need my sisters to keep me real and humble. They know how to keep me humble. I know that I was targeted in Eskasoni because everyone had their ideas with that house. I couldn't maintain properly because of drunkards and addicts making a mess. Billie Jean's aggressive and loudmouthness has gotten me stuck in Eskasoni. Knowing that people wanted to throw parties at my place, had me stuck with people constantly defending themselves.

If I hadn't spoken about a party, nobody would've been at my place. For 7 years I had people come to me looking for a party when it wasn't my birthday.

I know that people hadn't left me alone in those 7/8 years because I know that people wanted my place. And my sister making a case out of my insanity, was an observation and perceptive studying me. I hate the fact that she rubs it in my face that she'd figured out my diagnosis. She thinks I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum. I have paranoid schizophrenia, PTSD and autism. I need a psychiatrist in my corner because I know that my sister might be right. I know that I don't like it and my step family wouldn't accept it either because that would mean they've made a mistake. That they would need to stick with their self defense.

I know that I couldn't defend myself because my step uncles didn't want me to come up with reasons. They'd suppressed my ability to articulate my troubles because they love it when they are humiliating forcibly. I want to get vengeance for their depravity.

Learning that their toxicity can lead to sickening depravity. My sisters have been a beacon of hope, not a bacon of hope. I know that I love my sisters and I feel proud of how far they are getting to. I am jealous that they're future are bright with opportunities and partners, learning that I don't get any because my step uncles have fucked me up in the 90s. My stepfather allowed such acts and psychological warfare holds to happen because he was a moral coward. He hasn't earned the Title of Father of the Year because he didn't go farther and beyond to rescue this child. Dr. Bird was my old doctor and I have to say that Charles had such a hold on me that I couldn't figure it out.

Anyways, the spell is broken but the damages was done. My stepfather is a moral coward for not cleaning up the messes. Learning that I was targeted because my step uncles wanted my downfall. There wasn't any shelter or sanctuary in the Morrison family of Eskasoni's world when it came to me. Their toxicity didn't believe on privacy or sanctuary like a private bedroom. Knowing how certain people operate; I couldn't really defend myself or keep secrets because Curly would humiliate too. 

The cycle has to stop. This world isn't equipped to take type of laughter in. I know that people don't respect human life let alone all other life forms or biologicals on this earth. I know that I am loved but in what way? For being weak? Vulnerable or open? Gullible or susceptible? My step family have forced their way into my life and made me the joke of their families. Learning that I'm nothing but their puppet on a string. There isn't any real respect because my step family don't want to heal; they want to trauma-dump.

I know that from certain family members like my cousin Bernice and like my sisters Billie Jean and Katt. I have respect for them and they love me with all their hearts. Learning to self respect is the hardest thing because I gotta self forgive. Knowing that I did not have any emotional justice in my life. Or any real justice because most of the family is broken. I know that I was their target and I couldn't really control my own life because they wanted my respect for them. Sick people want their respect while others practice tolerance. Those that have patience.

Being responsible for my own groceries in Eskasoni has been the utmost difficult thing in my life. I know that people schemed off of me; took advantage of me and manipulated and argued their way away from responsibilities of their actions. Knowing that my sisters have argued and repeated some thing like a lie about a lie becoming real. I know that I was targeted by family n' friends because everyone was dysregulated and dysfunctional. They are emotional/moral/intellectual cowards that are morally lazy. I know that my dissertation Billie Jean has read so much, figured out certain things and understood my past to a point. I am against Chief and Council because they've blamed me for the party that has happened in that house. 

Nobody has argued on my behalf. I have to always face consequences because everyone else has kicked me while I was down. Spit on my shame and regrets. And told me that I was gay when they wanted the sexual perversion to happen in my life. My step uncles probably raped me and they would lie about something like that. The lie that was a psychological warfare hold, is now broken and I know that they would deny me because they hate me. I know that I cannot come out with it because Dodo wanted to lie about it. Knowing that I always get bullied back into the state of humbled acceptance. I know that I cannot go exploring my own brain because I was taught to be humbled. The same path of thoughts and the same uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts. I wasn't taught to control my own brain. I was taught to be humble and simply accept my fate. Be mindlessly obedient and susceptible to my step family's orders and non-verbal cues. 

I'm used of fighting the supremacy of my own family. I'm used of fighting and learning the narrow road of responsibility, respectability and self love. I am damned and I have to face all that by myself. Knowing that I've faced it 25th year of my own life. I know that my biological mother would've raised me up. Knowing that I don't get respect here. I know that I'm hated because I am sometime young. Yeah I throw a small party but that didn't mean I was supposed to get kicked out. 

Dodo has set up the mentality I am stuck with. And the Morrison family of Eskasoni wanted me stuck with the mentality of respecting them, loving them, accepting them. They are moral cowards and I know that I don't want to learn from their consequences. But they are such moral cowards that they had to invest their time with me and become well associated with me. And learning that certain memories aren't activated and they've hidden well enough with the lie of my biological mother's cheating with Dodo. I know it's broken now and I am not going to hide or say anything. When you check now you'll know something different. 

Knowing that nobody is willing to learn. I know that through force Dodo and others have told me that I got no choices. They are willing to beat me, intimidate me and manipulate me. They cannot accept the fact that they haven't phased me. All the pedophiles of Eskasoni are exposed. I have to go through my darkness in order to reclaim my own rights to my own personal powers over my own brain, mind and psyche. Everyone is hiding in this head of mine and they don't want to let go. I am hated so badly they are still in power of my head. 

People here hate me that they would control me here too. What's discipline, toughness and strength and what's self control? Why can't I self rely when everyone else does? Why do I have to obey when everyone else is aggressive, empowered in my life and wants more personal powers? Why can't I self respect without respecting others? My family does it all the time, get away with disrespectful things! I was taught to fear my opportunities because of my sisters Billie Jean and Katt. 

My sisters could be toxic too. They don't want me to succeed without them knowing. They have to spend my money and complain how others are. Knowing that I have family drama like everyone else. I know that I was nutritionally tormented and abused in my time. I did not have any support or guidance against my own family other than school. They would rather argue from their egocentric biasesthan to reasons objectively. What serves the Morrison family of Eskasoni the best! 

They have cheated me out of my youth. And I know that people have used me in so many ways. Learning that being a single guy I will be trapped in Eskasoni. Knowing that I cannot simply rest after work. I know that Eskasoni have escaped their punishments from justice. B is narcissistic and egocentric biased. She doesn't want to heal or anything while I'm forced to face my punishments because of the Morrison family of Eskasoni's aggressiveness. I haven't forgiven anyone in my life for teaching me the attitude I was supposed to have. B has a lot of resentment toward the family and mom's side of the family. She must have resentment towards me too. B has misinterpreted me a few times and she has disagreements and beliefs I don't believe in. It's such a general consensus to bring a native man down and have no reasons to care for me but use me for their social images. 

Clyde is such a moral coward. He doesn't want to admit his wrongs in front of me because he knows power plays. He has his muscles and influenced my the rest of my aging in We'koqma'q community. Learning that nobody wants me to build muscles. I know that I got no support in fitness and independence. Self-sufficiency is living by myself and building my living room or place the way I want it to be. Not what other people wants to be. Nobody in Eskasoni has respected my privacy. They used any excuses to get in. 

There are moral cowards coming from different places. Greedy, lazy and hard to get along. I know that I need sober people in my life. I know that I want to work my own business in We'koqma'q community. Learning that women can be unfair, aggressive and dark. I know that sex is easily accessible at such a young age for women. Money is no object. They don't earn a good living with a dignity of labor, pride in job, job satisfaction and benefits. I know that don't make up the hypergamous hypersexual rules. The human sexual market value for men are the same everywhere: I cannot get laid with tens or 9s because I haven't put the work into it. I am stuck with female addicts who want to scheme off of me. 

Pettily getting vengeance and trying to outpetty each other. I know that I was born into a world where addictions reached children. I know that people cannot lie now because the spell is broken. I know that I've suffered greatly for their entertainment and moral upper hands. They just wanted powers over me and I know that I learnt pedophiles at a young age. I'd fucked Dodo's daughter Shannon when we were kids. And Dodo had to put the blame on me. Twist me up and fuck me up when I was a child. I was 4/5 years old learning these words: addictions, sobriety and pedophiles. Dodo fucked me up pretty badly. 

I had been put in the friend zone many times. Learning that I got only value when I have stuff or something they could steal. I know that I had to give up my only form of entertainment because Rob Shipley wasn't supporting me in building a home in my own apartment. I am dependent on him for financial advise but he has convinced me it was a rotten investment. I know that Rob Shipley has been there for 8/7 years of my life. 

I know that addicts rip me off because they think that I owed them money for their pussies. Knowing that's prostitution I know that certain ladies have used me in ways. And these kinds of women are willing to lie and cheat off of me. It's a hypergamous hypersexuality they are in; gladly too. I know that I don't meet up with city girls or country girls. I am hated in so many ways that I know that I don't have any protection or cliques. Knowing that I have no one here I might as well move when I do recover from my second transplant kidney operation. Hopefully I can live a good life in wherever I end up at. 

I know that hypergamy is how women operate. They pick and choose who is compatible financially, with the right personality and good qualities. I know that I haven't really enjoyed my sexuality in my teenage years or in my twenties because everything came at a price. They play it off as if I was ignorant of my choices. I chosen not to give up anything. Still people take and take. It would be hard because of Albert knockwood. He makes my life hard and harder. Rob probably paid him and I know that the vicious sisters I had back in the day didn't care for my financial well being. Nobody cared for my financial well being because everyone was at me. Financial abuses still happening. 

I know that the Morrison family of Eskasoni didn't care for me because I couldn't really get a full-time employment in Eskasoni as part of my job experience. I know that I didn't have any respect professionally because I did not have any portfolio or rèsumè. And I did not have any promixate goals amounted and done to build on that to do long-term goals. The relationship thing sucks. If anything I hope that I could get a prostitute in Sydney. My friends only want to be friends do they could control who I date or love. I cannot get anyone pretty because that's their taste. 

Everyone in Eskasoni sucks because I did not have any good life. Reflectively I was discriminated sexistically into the type of lifestyle I had to maintain. My friends didn't want to help out because I was the loser of the bunch. Learning that nobody respected me professionally. I know that this guy who was a Carpenter with David Bloge didn't want me to work with them. And don't want me to have that kind of respect where I do get paid. I know that I did not have any hot girls after me because, if anything they want something from me. 

I was always put in the friend zone by certain type of ladies. So I don't waste any time with them because their hindbrain says that I'm their emotional tampon. And I don't like talking so I don't waste any time with women that want to waste my time. I know if they don't have any psycho-sexual interests in me; I am not talking with them. Only the same old routine. I think I have to come up with a whole new routine. This one I got now is very old. I have stopped spilling my guts and I know that I'm stuck where I'm at because Rosie doesn't want me to give up such a place.

I know that it's acts of attrition they are driving at. They are trying to wear me down to accept this place as my forever home. I know these battles from my childhood. I know that I didn't have any protection or cliques to stop certain people. I cannot afford any Loosid account yet. But I am sure that sober dating is something that I want to try out. 

I have gave up on normal dating strategies and going to where I could meet people my age. My kind of experienced people who want to get their lives together and build a happy loving family home. I need to talk with people that have experience and a good head on their shoulders. Hopefully I can read with this lady, go on dates and outings, and have shared, increased sense of purpose together. With Dignity of love which is respecting all life through love, self love and romantic love. I know that no matter what kind of love is out there I hope through this lady I have love. 

Learning that there is an app for sober dating. I know that I need an Indigenous descendant perspective in the conversation. Hopefully I can get a good girl from this app and get something going. The app is called Loosid. No more fishing from the barrel. This time I have a social sober dating app that could benefit me greatly. Knowing that I just need the $40 from my sister Katt. I know that I don't have to worry about thieves or active addicts. Well the stealing part I hope that I don't have to worry about.