What Eskasoni Provided in My Foundation

There isn't just bad things in Eskasoni. Dodo may have made me think that people hate me and he may gotten away with moral cowardice all those years in my youth. I know that people care and love but have the capacity for evil too. I know that in Eskasoni I have a large gamut of foundational knowledge. But I knew very little about other people's lives and social brains. I know that I had to move to get my level of education, training and driving level where I could thrive on the outside of the community. Learning that racism exist in outside professionalism and other areas of the job market. My job market value isn't close to a consistent daily basis of habitual thinking and physical routine. I don't have a long career in my life where I enjoyed fringe benefits. But I do have Mawita'mk Benefits. I get transportation cost through Eskasoni Community Health Center. I get seasonal clothing checks and with that I could buy shoes if I don't need clothes.

Learning how women operate and work; I know that I'm targeted because they want petty powers over me. They don't want me to be powerful or even skilled. I've been taught the skills of suffering but that don't mean I'm a bitch. Learning that women wants me to be a coward, they set me up for fragile failure. Rosie has this as her personal playground and knowing that my head is their summer house. 

They know that non-verbal cues of controllability. They think that they've earned blind trust when I don't want to blindly obey. They expect the Ideal Male Obedience which is the ideal obedience for their relational powers. I have deep psychological problems because of the life of a lie that me and Dodo have shared.

But I could regulate my emotions because the lie is still effective. My family won't let go and I know that I have to take control over my own mind.

Throughout my twenties I was used and manipulated in ways where I couldn't be my own guy. I didn't have a "Rockstar twenties" because my step family set me up for failures. And all my friends wanted to do was party, I couldn't control any situation because everyone kept on saying "party" and Rob Shipley kept on repeating his thing and getting me drunk. So I know that I was used politically because now I cannot escape Mawita'mk Society because the family, step family and friends don't want to take any accountability for what they've done with me. 

Set me up to lose the house and lose my rational thought. I know that Rob Shipley wanted me out of Mickey's Lane and learning that I couldn't really prove it was the people that hates me the most.

I knew that most family members didn't support me in my efforts to keep the house. Chuck kept on stealing cleaning supplies.
Charles Morrison kept on peeing in my bed. 

Not giving two fucks about me. Rob Shipley kept on stealing shit too. I hate the fact that they had an upper hand over me and wanted to abuse me. I shouldn't of trusted anyone in my life. All it got me is all my losses, grief n' pains, misery n' suffering, shame n' traumas. 

Knowing Charles and Chuck have granted me all those mistreatments and mistakes and mistrust. Knowing Rob has granted me not to work on my apartments. Well I know that I couldn't make Eskasoni homey and I was hated there by bullying addicts. Moral cowards who didn't want accountability, responsibility and duty to the truth.

Anyways I had a good life at We'koqma'q community. I don't think I'll be moving back to Eskasoni because so many people aren't sober. Sober doesn't necessarily have to come through addictions and darkness. It could be natural sobriety.

Eskasoni has provided a sense of care and homey, warm love that I wanted to grow from. 

I know that I'd been living in Eskasoni for 7 years on my own without accomplishing anything but a Eskasoni Rehab program certification. I needed to work on myself and reclaim my power in Eskasoni. Billie Jean's aggressiveness has proven to be something of a blocking thing to plan to move back when I can. Learning that is what she wants; I know that I need to find my own way in this world where I'm working three jobs in my hometown. I have to figure out how I'll have three work shift jobs. Full-time employments with in We'koqma'q community instead of Eskasoni because I want to save up. My sisters aren't that great of role models when it comes to financial frugality.

Knowing that I don't want their relational powers in my life. I am the older brother, I should be doing good without them.

Curly is a sneaky one. My stepfather uses his counseling skills for his gains. My sisters don't want me to live in Eskasoni because of certain reasons they are hiding. When I do lose the weight with ozempic injections, I hope that I could get my operation and recover with Mawita'mk Society n' family. I know that I want to go back to school or work. If I do get my second chance/second transplant kidney. I hope that I could work on my old goals of getting my car, fully licensed driver's license, two full-time employments in We'koqma'q community and a weekend part-time schooling or job. I want that kind of physical prowess, muscular fitness and ability to be efficient, effective, efficacious and proficient and sufficient enough for breaks and other things.

Hopefully I can work on my present goals: get my cardio fitness and muscular physical fitness. I have everything I need to do it.

My planned steps or moves I want to make are to get my BA degree, have a career in Eskasoni Rehab or Eskasoni Band Office. But first I have to work my ass off for two full-time checks with fringe benefits or benefits from Nova Scotia Apprenticeship Agency, or from minimum wage jobs. I hope that I could build a good career in my life. I know that I had good things/bad things in my life when I was living in Eskasoni. The possibilities of bad things happening was an impending potential threat that I had to learn to live with. 

Well I didn't have any help in protecting other than friends n' family. I know that Eskasoni has been something of my hometown where I grew my toughness in my personality. I know that at Mawita'mk Society I feel like I don't need it, at the same time I do need it just in case people are lying to me. I know that I have a lot of good reasons to stay here. But I know that I have to live my life according to religion, health, n' faith.

I know that God never intended a Warrior, ontologically speaking, is supposed to give up the battle of sex and independence. Self-sufficiency is easier lifestyle than having a shared environment. Yeah they look good and don't give two shits about me (women). 

Knowing that I don't get the women I want because I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. A woman wouldn't want me because I am a legal warden of the state now. Nobody wants to deal with me. I am that throwaway kid that nobody wants. Learning that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence. I know that people would rather humiliate me financially, bully me with bigger muscles n' stuff. My stepfather didn't want me to become a problem-solver. The Morrison family of Eskasoni wanted me stuck in their cycle.

Knowing that I was taught to be struggling with addictions. I know that people don't see me as a warrior. I know that people wants me to not thrive intellectually, have economic resources, have my own business and online security-related stuff with the cybersecurity of Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can build a small enterprise in this hacking world where people don't want to respect my disabilities. I want to have my own personal cyberspace security and IT specialist teams. But Mawita'mk Society has security. Knowing here I am distinguishing the difference between enemies (people with secret identities) and those friends (people that actually care), my extended family (Mawita'mk Society and other places), my mixed/step family n' my bloodline family.

Doing what I was supposed to do: work professionally and thrive and live my life with benefits and business opportunities.
I want to work alongside people that know what they are doing. I know that I am languishing and atrophizing my muscles because I am not exercising. Lifting weights and having a good time. I live with elderly people and disabled people. This had been fourteen years at Mawita'mk Society and I'm getting kind of sick and tired of this lifestyle. 

The growing depression in me is missing my independence and life I could've had if I had my high school Graduation. I know that I'm nothing because of educationism. It's hot and I am lonely which I don't have any value in this countryside sex market. I am surrounded by old people stuck in their ways and I am ready to create new memories in my own place. 

Everyone that didn't want me to live ideally simplistic, wanted this growing sadness of losing opportunities to get work and business opportunities in my life, to live my life simply earning. I hadn't that kind of life in my life.

I know that I am not accomplishing what I want because I have to play it safe. Not pushing it myself to my own limits. But I have one particular worker that thinks like a hippie. Knowledge is supposed to be free and in my life I cherish my books. I don't want to give out my books freely. I don't even like it when I lend out my books to my best friends(my inner circle). People are naturally curious which annoys the hell out of me. I am honing in on my reading skills and trying to understand certain books, how it applies to my life and what meanings it hold for me. 

Knowing that I'm not supposed to have any respect from intellectual authority, I know that ageistic authority(prejudicial authority) is old school.

To fight in this hyper-reality of such online hypersensitivity, I know that someone can destroy a life. Learning that's not what Mike MacInnis wants. He annoys me.

Learning to have caution to my writings. I know that I love and care for the people in my life. But I also know that writings should be in a lense of curiosity because I know that people will rage their war of lies. I know that I did not have a good life in Eskasoni because of pedophiliac addicts and hyper-sexual Devils. It does depend on who has the bigger muscles, better connections and more things done in their lives. Truthfulness doesn't prevail and learning that in Eskasoni, I know that I don't get any justice. True fairness and equality isn't real between a woman and a guy because of sex. I want to be attracted to the opposite sex and have heterosexual women in my life. I know that I don't have anything attractive because I am a liability. 

Hypergamous hypersexuality is ruling this world. Learning that the richest, tallest, handsomest and most educated get the sexual availability because I know that I don't, no matter how I put it. The Morrison family of Eskasoni has provided me with the psychological frozen state of controllability, malleability and forceability. I know that I hadn't learned in the life of a lie because they would get away with certain things in my life. My life have been the hyper-reality of addictions, hypersexuality and intersubjective interculturalism. Learning how I should manage my own addictions, in another words be a functional, responsible addict who has provided for myself. Ricky Gould isn't opened to new ideas and how to perpetuate the cycle of addictions in ways where you could have a healthy dose of cigarettes, weed and drinking. He doesn't believe in moderation because he was greedy and violent. Me? I'd learned the secret art of keeping my own. I know that people have been trying to control me and force me into routines, habits and self discipline. I just got to obey because that's how it's done. I don't do cigarettes anymore, I've been sober and clean for 14 years and counting. 

But I came out of it with self control. I have grown to manage my own mind and run my own brain now. With everything I was taught in the life of a secret lie I knew that I needed the profundity of tolerance, endurance, obedience to a degree, performance, resilience, perseverance, forbearance, diligence, patience, fortitude, intelligence, independence and temperance. I am learning to keep a consistent daily basis routine. Nobody wanted me to be independent and intelligent enough to tell my stepfather anything. He didn't want to hear about my biological mother's cheating. So now it's all those virtues and skills and strengths I have learned in the life of a lie. And use them in terms of honesty. I don't want any stuck-up to guide me at all. Knowing that I needed a good friend's help; I knew that I wasn't worthy to tell the truth because Dodo made me feel this way. 

Knowing that I had to work my way to a good evening relaxation with my cousin Ray during my summer-time. I knew sense of purpose, no muscles for pro-active work and active start of the day. I knew that I was training to be a professional landscaper and carpenter. I had to lift sods, rake the rocks, fix the fence, mow the lawn, count pop bottles, build with my stepfather sheds, porches, decks and garden beds. I was learning how to take care of a lawn and how to do yard work. Which I hated because my stepfather snuffed out any good bonding experience except the moments we were done. 

Ah! I'm sniping at anyone that has a good deal with me. I know that I don't want to deal with certain people at the end of my day in Eskasoni. And I had a barter/bargain system in Eskasoni with Rob Shipley. I know that I could've had a good amount of stuff in my apartment. Than again Audrey or someone else would've taken it. Someone through Audrey. She was bad off last time I'd seen her.

I feel like my stinking thinking has taken over and now I got negative thinking on my blog instead of reminiscence. I know that I'm loved and been taught professional landscaping and building. My stepfather would know his stuff but I'll have to get yelled at and told off most of my time with him. Knowing that this foundational knowledge in landscaping and building I have for a background knowledge. I know that I could learn a good deal of discipline and self control. Accepting my past as such, through a lense of curiosity and writing. My stepfather must've been sore and hurting back in the day. 

I would listen to the latest music from MuchMusic channel. Oh how I miss those music days where I had accessibility to the artists and songs. Oh how I had good memories in those days. What Eskasoni has provided was a way out of the community. Where I've built a life, learn lifelong life skills, routines and habits. Where I gotten my level of education, training and driving level where I could work on my goals in the future when I am working on my current goals of walking and fitness. I know that thankfully I had Mi'kmaq Interagency, Eskasoni Mental health and Social Services, Eskasoni Rehab and Eskasoni Community Health Center that looked at my case and started to nudge me in the right path. Moving to another community to live an ideal single life where I could build a good life in We'koqma'q community, was the goals and objectives that all these people wanted in my life. My bloodline family, my mixed adoptive family and extended family (Mawita'mk Society) have been largely the reason why I want to continue to live this sober life. I value my own sobriety, I cherish and love and appreciate my sobriety.