What's My Rightful Heaven?

Heaven is a happy place, a spiritual home where good food is at, all my things are at in a neat and tidied way. And a good smelling place where I have spiritual protection, emotional safety, physical measures of security. A place where I feel that my biological mother and biological father is at. With every thing I've read in my life, I am learning the spiritual protection for knowing certain things. I know that a happy, psycho-spiritual home has two biological parents, my brothers that welcome me in the great unknown. And the righteous path of thinking that Dodo have put in me. I know that I spoke out of hatred. And I'm sorry but heaven is a place of forgiveness, acceptance, moving on and having fun with step family, family and friends that have passed to the beyond. I believe that I have two interpretations of a homey heaven. Cooking of food, eating of food with family and friends. Having a spine to humbly accept and being emotionally safe and intelligent enough not to kick a dead horse.

I know that these pass few weeks I've been wanting to talk with my stepfather. I miss my real parents badly. I'd lost someone today that was a pretty sure thing in my life. Connie Munro. She was the sweetest, kindest and most caring person I could say have graced Mawita'mk Society in years. I've had a few people that I'm kind of sadden for, passed on. And I know that I'm not perfect but I should've made more efforts for my Grammy, granny and the boys' Mummum. I know that I've lost a lot of good people, hoping that the caring part comes in strongly, faithfully and holistically. All these people have created my heavenly home. It's a paradise where everyone is accepted. 

Home means happiness, protection, understanding, comprehension, holistic n' strength-based approaches, resourceful beliefs, workable teachings, useful suggestions and faith-based works of forgiveness, tolerance, acceptance, prudence, diligence, patience, fortitude, endurance, obedience, charity, performance, faith, justice, perseverance, forbearance and temperance: these are the 7 virtues n' 9 strengths in life. It's teaching the seven sacred teachings and 16 lessons in life. I know that I had a good start in life but I also know that I had a good mixture of grief n' trauma, good n' bad, right n' wrong. Truth, honesty, wisdom, respect, humility, courage n' love. Love is the most important teaching of all time. My biological mother has taught me love through respecting me, honoring me through being humble and accepting her breaking of vows. 

I know that love and healing can make a powerful emotion. With taking pride in our job, we have to practice prudence with this. We have to see that a sense of purpose, dignity of labor, sense of service and commitment, job satisfaction, workethic and sense of contribution and professional and personal self esteem. I know that we love to feel good about our job. A happy worker is a good, self assured worker.

I don't have to worry about protecting myself. This paradisiacal sanctuary creates confidence and self assurance. I know that I've suffered but in curiosity I feel like I've haven't thought of it in a lense of curiosity. Learning to relight my passion for writing. I know that people wants to destroy people on here. I think I've recorded my stinking thinking enough. It's time for the good stuff. 

I know that bad people wants to dominate my life. Hell family wants to dominate my life. I cannot let down my guard because everyone in my life wants to dominate, subsumed and consumed my life. Everyone wants me to give up on my independence. The idea that I cannot accept my own disability is a farce so far. Nobody thinks that I've gotten pass my diagnosis and I know that they don't want Mr to think the right way. Hopefully I can get my own freedoms in my own home. I want to use my trade in plumbing or pipe trade when I do move to a large city. But I know that people don't want me to live my life the way I think I should because they believe they are right. Addicts, criminals and fiends. Enemies of my holistic health. 

In this day and age you could destroy someone with a bad day. Hopefully I haven't done too much damages because I know that I want to live in a good place like Mawita'mk Society. I am so far away from my original thinking when I did moved here. I know that my step uncles have disciplined me and got me thinking the right way under a life of a lie where cowardice breeds, injustice and criminality. I know that I'm hated and I cannot relate to anyone because they don't want to learn what it means to me: the songs, the poetry and other things in my life. Then again in this hyper-technological world where online life can get hacked. I know that I need to look out for certain things. 

Learning that I was learning Connie Munro have impacted my life with a lot of positivity, good food, good advises, a lot of talking to her and learning to accept my life here. Connie hasn't lost the art of listening and basing her advises on current things. She tried not to tell me what to do but she has a lot of heart to give. I could tell that Connie cared and she loved us. In this social hyper-reality in online hyper-sensitive world where everyone is hyper-technological, online and addicted in some fashion or way. I know that getting out of my head and build happy memorable moments with Mawita'mk Society was always a good thing. 

My biological mother made the my home homey, so have Connie. But this place is a safe haven and a hub for the information we need to function in this world. Learning to enjoy the Mawita'mk Members' Benefits, Comforts and Perks, I know that I'm happy and have to be patient with Mawita'mk Society. They've earned the Title Mawita'mk Support Worker. Too bad there wasn't a Mawita'mk Support Worker Certificate program, and if the client earns certain independence that person can earn a Mawita'mk Member's Life Skills education Certificate from their hometown or from NSCC Community College. Hopefully I can have a good life when I do the cardio fitness, earn my ideal weight, get back on my renal diet and build muscles. 

Being in this kind of online world where bad days, stinking thinking and other negative thinking patterns can emerge and have an impact in my life. I know that I need to have caution, respectful considerations with people in my life, honor and respect people in my life, have good conscience about the situations here. I know that in this social hyper-reality of online hypersensitivity, I know that people can destroy another Indigenous man's career. I know that I need to be cautious, respectful and honorable. This world doesn't have the slightest idea of the artist's sensibilities. 

My step uncles taught me that smoking cigarettes in moderation was cost-effective. And learning to enjoy my cigarettes more deeply, I was stress tolerating and delaying the moment of satisfaction with cigarettes. Learning to manage my addictions in a productive way or with a sense of purpose. I had cigarettes on the mind and I'd treated myself with rewards of smoking cigarettes after each chores and pop bottle recycling and labor was done, with evening coffee, morning coffee and afternoon coffee. Every four hours I would take my medicine: 1. My morning routine with breakfast and coffee and cigarettes. Go walking to school and have partake in activities. 2. Have my afternoon routine with lunch, coffee and cigarettes. 3. Have my evening routine and relaxation, when I do feel like it I would smoke cigarettes and have coffee. 

I would work hard during the summertime in my dad's yard where I'd learned the skills for outdoor activities. I know that I want to learn necessary life skills that could partake in socioeconomic reality we call social life. I know that I want to have the self-efficacy, self confidence and self assurance that I could landscape n' build. I know that I've been thinking that I don't need my parent's worry list anymore. They could relax and chill since I know that I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, lost my independence (something I have to grieve for), never had my life the way I wanted it. Knowing that I'm hated by people that wanted to hold me back in Eskasoni. I know that people had a good grip over my abilities and faculties. And a lot of people wasn't my friends because I couldn't really enjoy my sexuality, enjoy or get work, learn from the Internet, did not have a computer or smartphone. Everyone left me in the dark for the longest time. 

I know that I needed to leave Eskasoni and get my level of education, training and driving level where I could work at least. I know that there is classism, ageism, disablism, ableism, sexism, and other prejudicial authority I have to go against. I want to be this kid who is stigma-free, unbiased and protecting non-judgmentalism, neutralism and brinkmanship. I want to be this kid who has taught and managed a good deal into intersubjective interculturalism of both bad and good things in my life. I know that I want to live my life in Eskasoni but that's where I am most hated. And knowing that I have to argue to protect what I believe in, I know that I need to be strong-minded, strong-willed. I need to be stronger than I was yesterday. I know that I used to be strong-minded, clear-minded, focused and readable. I don't think I'm that affable person because women don't want me. 

Learning that people don't want me to build muscles. Being schizophrenic and everyone embraces my languishing, atrophizations and debilitations. I know that I'm weakening since I got this diagnosis in 2010. I know that people could outsmart me because everyone don't want to learn the sober path. I cannot live my life the way I want to because I would've been financially independent by now. Everyone that don't want me to enjoy the job, has a problem with me earning what comes with a job. I want to make measurable successes in my life where I could be employable by my trades, driver's license and BA degree. I know that I don't want to be a mindless beast who nobody could stop. Like Juggernaut in X-Men who is unstoppable by any building. I don't want to be financially dependent, abused and stuck where I cannot escape certain people. I am schizophrenic and there are people that don't care for me. In fact this is dangerous letting complete strangers in. Than again I have this thing on my social media.

I haven't published it to the public. Hopefully I can get something going for me. How deep is your love for me? I know that I want the deepest depths of love a adoptive family, a extended family and bloodline family can provide. I know that heaven isn't something that I can build because I am weakening, languishing, atrophizing and debilitating. I know that I'm loved but I need to work in the strongest sense of dedication of work and business. 

What's my rightful heaven? Especially for a schizophrenic like me. I don't have any serious issues and knowing that I'd lost my independence, or potentiality of my financial independence. I know that in We'koqma'q community I have to develop a skill set in ways of life skills, trade skills and driving skills in order to move on out of here. But first thing is first; I have to work on my present physical fitness. What's my rightful heaven? What in terms of sanity can I build my happy home? I hope that I could learn habit-forming skills and psychology. 

That's a lot of stress because I would have to protect my own home against thieves, addicts and squatters. I know that I don't have any real places for myself. Ownership of my personal leadership n' sanctuary is a difficult thing because certain people took my personal power. Knowing that it is Billie Jean that did that. I know that I have to reclaim my personal powers away from her. But she doesn't want me to because she would rather have power over her half-blooded brother. 

Even if I do land a good woman, the potential romance for love and passion play is still there. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence. I know that I'm schizophrenic and everyone in my life is just pandering to my disabilities. Learning that I know that I'm stuck where I'm at because this is a shared, safe haven environment. I know that I had to agreed to certain conditions and procedures where I had to obey the rules, regulations and conditions of a group home. Re-learning to accept rules, regulations and conditions in my life. I know that this is paradise but I want to create my own benefits and perks of the job. 

Knowing that I had temporary psychosis before, because I was drinking and smoking. I knew that certain discriminations has happened in my life. I know that throughout all my young addictions, I was loved and cared for by the Morrison family of Eskasoni. It's an woe and weal kind of deal. I know that I was struggling because of the community. Knowing Parents Against Drugs and stuff like that. I know that I wanted to sober up and get on with my academic goals. Now I have a level of education and driving training where I could work on in my future. In this shared environment where a cultural community is trying to stay sober and straight. I know my strengths and virtues. I know the truths of my past. I know that I have forgiven but have residual emotions of the past. I have to go back and try to clean up some of the small messes of the past. 

I know that I hadn't any real full-time employment in Eskasoni, I know that Eskasoni is a petty little prejudicial authority themselve. I had to move away from that and learn that there are other prejudicial authorities in this life. I am anti-authority for a good reason. But I know that I'm in love with Mawita'mk Society, with the benefits and support I have, the good cooking and services I could get. I'd moved here and I know that I was falling in love with this place. Yeah, I had a lot of changes like MuchMusic changing their format, like deaths and staff changes, I've graduated a few times from certain programs. And I know that I was grieving for the longest time for the change in my end of am Era of addictional poverty. I know that I had a lot of good examples, changes and benefits at Mawita'mk Society, I had a lot of wonderful experiences in movie theaters and pool hall and bowling. I had a good routine of Family Weekends and Christmas bonuses and GST and Comfort allowance. I have a lot of good meals at Mawita'mk Society. 

When I think of Mawita'mk Society; I think emotional safety and physical safety. I think of overall health and quality of life. I love Mawita'mk Society because they are always fighting for services and having to learn new things. My things are safe and I am safe here. I have a good deal of good staff over the fourteen years I've lived here. Yeah I should obey to build a good routine but I have a general happiness that could blind me if I get too comfortable. There are racism in the system, the health care and psychiatric areas too. 

But I know that I have to be cautious and understand where they are coming from. The whole entire Canadian and American systems, institutions and organizations have to go through Indigenizations, decolonizations or Reconciliation. No matter what they will have to learn the real history of Native Americans, First Nations and other Indigenous people around the globe. I know that I am learning to accept there was colonization, Indian Residential Schools, Indian Day Schools and the most racist act of all time: The Indian Act. At Mawita'mk Society I am re-learning the culture, tradition, heritage, seven sacred teachings, life lessons I've learned while living in Eskasoni, ideology and customs and mores. 

I know that it's the same sane, old superficial, hollow and untrue stories of native people. Learning that there isn't any representation for Indigenous people. Learning that there are a growing Pretendians and identity thieves. Learning about hacks and deep fakes. How they could be used in vicious political ways. Knowing that I need to take precautions and get my family to think twice with voice cloners and all this identity thieves, deep fakes and voice cloners. I know that we are glad that we have ways of identifications through many ways. I know that I'm still emotionally invested into this Mawita'mk Society. And I have to practice online safety tips. 

I know that I had my dignity of labor with We'koqma'q One Stop, and I could've had it with Eskasoni Gabriel Center Cutodial Technician job. I just need to build up my job experiences in We'koqma'q community. Hopefully I can spend 10 years at each jobs I take. Have two jobs weekdays, part-time schooling or job during the weekend. And save up for my own car. Hopefully I can work within my realm of possibilities. And increase or add more credentials to my level of education, training and driving level where I could put it them on my portfolio. 

Knowing that I was responsible addict and that's an oxymoron if I didn't know one. I know that was a mistake on my step family's faults. Knowing that they've wanted something of a miracle to happen. I know that I needed to get away from them and learn to have emotional regulation, not forced forgiveness or anything like that. I know that I hadn't any choices to regulate my own emotional intelligence. Feelings of betrayal and moral cowardice has been my anger. Knowing that people wanted me to suffer it out. I am sober now and have been for fourteen years. Considering that I had stuff to do and had a good life in We'koqma'q community. I am not denying the truths of my step uncles because I know that that's their results of moral teachings. 

Running my own brain the right way is their truths and true powers. It seems I cannot control or escape the life of a lie. And learning that I cannot build my own home. Personal powers is affected and knowing that I had temptations because I had enemies in Eskasoni. I know that people wanted my moral destruction. That way I don't have to be better than them. I know that people have argued that I had a good step uncles. Why? Because they tried to be a good influence in my life? They've denied me of my basic needs and needs of safety. I know that I don't have any protection from these people because I don't have basic respect. Remembering how I was mistreated and abused, I fear for the worst with Dodo. Knowing that he has been I've been hated on and in their world has dominated my world. I know there identity issues and relational influences I have to stay away from. 

Thsn again those people that do care for my thoughts, are the people (through care) wants the blind amenability of relational influences. That's been my curse and Dodo wants to fight or kill me. Petty because he has been a moral coward since day one I'd met him. No truths or facts, just convincing or lies. Nobody in the Morrison family of Eskasoni don't want me to run my own brain because they love controllability, malleability and amenability of my life. I know that I didn't have any chances to defend myself because I know that people wants to get away with abusing or something criminalistic like that. My abusers had years of working on me. I cannot figure out for myself, my own brain and human psychology of relationships? 

Than again I cannot think right. All this started as trying to write about my reminiscence. This way of having a safe haven and not my own place, has been something difficult to accept. I know that I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and I cannot build or protect my own hometown sanctuary. I cannot rebuke or reproach anyone because it would be trouble emotionally. It seems that with my state of words I am stuck in this unraveling of my past. 

Learning to accept my life how I seen it. And trying to emotionally regulate when I can. Apparently I am the only person who cares about my own story. Learning to accept that and live ideally in We'koqma'q community. I know that I'm happy with Mawita'mk Society and I want to build on that. 1. My physical fitness, 2. My second transplant kidney, 3. My full-time employment, 4. My full driver's license, 5. My own car and 6. Graduate from my BA degree program. Hopefully I can get all this done and get into immersive focus with my own reading and positive writings. 

Holding firm in my convictions I know that I could exercise and build muscles to damage my enemies(who hold secret identities kn disguise of morality), those moral cowards. Learning that I was just a kid who was disabled and disadvantaged in the dating world. I know that I was holding firm in my convictions because I was making myself stronger in terms of being strong-mindedly focused, strong determination and wonts to work, resilient and powerful in my words. Verbalizing the facts that I couldn't express in terms of my own blogs. I know that I have this intellectual authority, confidence and self-efficacy in myself where I could go into darker areas or darkest areas of my psyche, come out swinging and keep my firm convictions. I know that I could have the gumption and moxie to determine my own understanding of my own moral problems. Have this pronoia and keep working on myself. I have a firm belief in God. He is guiding my writings or creativity, hopefully anyways. I have firm faith in God and I know that I'm loved but it's just that moral cowardice that gotten me. 

I know that I am nothing to these city girls and country girls. I don't know how they operate or work but I know that I had my fair shares of women using me, stealing from me and working me. Lying and demoralizing me because they don't want to give up their thefts. I know that I did not have any benefits from these girls and women. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence, because I know that I was mostly deprived of my schooling and other things I needed in life. 

I know that women are master manipulators, they are expert in psychological warfare operations. I know that the Morrison family of Eskasoni has affected my nieces and nephews... but than again I know that I don't get any brownie points. But than again the egocentric biased narcissistic personalities that I have to deal with through family members have been my greatest struggles. Family can be enemies. I know that Gordon made his image and I know that so did Chuck. The idea that people have controlled me through psychological warfare means and I cannot run my own brain. They force things to happen with little meanings of justice. I know that my sisters don't believe in me, nobody believes in me and I know that my family is toxic and hateful. 

They've kept their relational influences in me for reasons that I know. I know that I had a lot of good relationships and a lot of bad ones. Learning that I could put my trust into the Morrison family of Eskasoni because they could be interpreted as like this. Or a good influence in my life. I know that I've been hyper-independent for so long being tired of the old battles of my past. My past comes haunting me with demons encircling me. Learning to pray and focus myself; I know that my step uncles have been a positive role model in my life. Too, that they had all those years to hide everything. And work me so hard or found the best hiding places in my head. 

I know that I shouldn't trust blindly. I should be cautious and careful, using prudence and wisdom is my careful considerations. I know that I want to wait until I can get my fitness, my ideal weight, my second transplant kidney and recover from my operation. Get my BA degree and full-time employment. I want to do my programming with Unama'ki College on the weekends. And have a full-time employment on weekdays.

I know that Dodo's, and the family's hold on my repressed emotions have been a forceful manipulations because they are moral cowards. Learning that I'm trying to unrepressed my true emotions because I don't want the life of a lie. I want to be in control of my own emotions and brain. Their relational influences and persuasions is still intact because they want me to like them. I don't like Dodo or any of my own family. They are all moral cowards and whores. I hate their toxicity and sickness. 

I got a dysregulated mind and dysfunctional relationships. They are powered to be moral cowards of my true emotional identity. I know that I don't agree with my own family because their relational influences and persuasions have damaged my own brain. Repressed my emotions and never letting me emotionally regulate. The workers here don't want me to take control over my own treatment, and run my own brain. Knowing that I don't have any true personal powers to access my repressed memories. I know that I don't have true power over my own brain. Self mastery is something Dodo doesn't want because everyone is a moral coward. They are only brave because they want me to not succeed or thrive.