Taking Control of My Own Treatment (At Mawita'mk Society)

I don't have to but taking over my own treatment at Mawita'mk Society, is like taking over my own brain and running it. I know how I just cannot do it. Learning that Dodo wanted me exposed because he is a moral coward. He acts like I get away with stuff while he gets more pussy than me. Forcing me to move from Eskasoni was several things; 1. Thieves and addicts kept on disrespecting me in my own home. They didn't have any respect for my domestic authority. 2. They'd forced their arguments about their ideas of sharing my money and grocery into my life. I call it "Forced Sharing". Which is a theory that most of these people didn't want to pay me back. It's a rip-off artist kind of thing. 

I know that my life in Mawita'mk Society is a good life, all my needs are met and I have supports and helps in doing my fitness journey. I want to show in this one that I have a great life and in that I am happy in my life. I have been humble and I am scared to brag. But in my teenage years I had a good life in Eskasoni kind of. I had a good heaven/hell in my stepfather's house. And learning that I want to develop a good fitness habits to ever-increasing fitness journey. I hope that I could document my life outside and inside of Mawita'mk except those private moments to myself. Of course everyone has a tough life because of the inflation rate. 

I know that I have to take personal accountability because my step uncle is a moral coward. And knowing that he uses violence and intimidation tactics to scare me and obey him. I know that he has been a terrible burden on my life and have been letting me relax in ways. When I accept his ways and take extreme personal accountability for his relational influences and persuasions. He disguise it as extreme individualistic independence because he doesn't want to be responsible. I know that I had to accept that kind of shame and regrets while he fucks his way around town. I know that I didn't have any good news because of him. 

This is my second chance to do it right. And knowing that he wanted me to suffer his parts, I know that I have to use my methodic words and artistic creativity to figure out what he wanted. Self-obedience to my own principles, habits and routines wasn't it. I know that with great skills in writing I could somewhat destroy what he has created. I know that I have to develop and grow into a working person. Learning how relationships can form the essence of a personality, I try to take the good in Dodo and bring out the smartness and cleverness into resourceful beliefs, useful suggestions, strength-base uses and a good Growth Mindset. 

"Forced Sharing" is where people think you are a bitch and cannot defend yourself, they take full advantage of the situation and either bum for something or steal. I know that people in Eskasoni haven't been a good neighbor because they wanted me to suffer it all out. I know that I don't have any good deals and have no good bartering. The deals was to barter what I had extra and everyone was greedy and asking. Knowing that I had no way of keeping my groceries in Eskasoni I had to live my life in wondering my next meal. 

Anyways the Mawita'mk Benefits Package and Services are that I get cable and Communication bundle in the house, have clothing checks to Mawita'mk bank, have Comfort Allowance with Commission sales pay through Mawita'mk Work Program, have GST direct deposits and Carbon tax returns, have birthday celebrations, holiday celebrations, Christmas bonus and Christmas with family. I have three meals a day with medicine every four hours with snack at evening. I get transportation and support for my fitness goals and endeavors. I get support to be on my renal diet and build muscles. I know that the staff have restaurant money and take-out money. I know that I have a lot of good moments at Mawita'mk Society. Sometimes I get something extra like food or drink. Or candy or chocolate or chips once in a blue moon. 

In We'koqma'q community I have AA & NA. Tuesdays I get NA meetings and Wednesdays I get AA meetings. Which sometimes could be darken but I talk mostly how good my day went. I have issues but I'm not going to tell those people. I would rather talk with a therapist instead of a group. That much respect I should get. These guys don't give me anything at all. They never have helped me in any way or fashion. It's usually the therapist and knowing that I had a lot of good sessions. People at these meetings think they are therapist themselves. I know that I don't have sny respect from these people and in that I have to forego certain things. 

But I know that I have to deal with my own negative emotions, egocentric bias and disposition. I know that I have a good life and it does depend on the woman in my life, if there is one. I would try to work harder to walk, go on treadmill and lift weights. At least for her. I have to be more tolerant and understanding because not a lot of people like me. I am not an affable person, no woman wants to talk wit' me because they don't want that independence in their lives. The Deadly Triple H are Hypocritical Hypergamous Hypersexuality. Learning that I an nothing to be aware of, I know that a woman wouldn't batten a eye at me because no woman have. 

Me? I haven't been invited to weddings, parties or anything like that because I am that lazy ideally. I know that I'm learning that female addicts wants to use me. Apparently I have to say that because of Trent Seven Nicholas. It's forced obedience instead of love with that guy. 

I know there are good women and there are bad women, then there are criminals that are females and there are people that have straight up psychotic boyfriends that I don't want to deal with. But people's worlds are so perfect kn their own innocence that I cannot have my own undesirables too. Women have had the aesthetic beauty in the eye of the beholder. Me? I hadn't that strike in my life where a woman wants me, I want her and we share a good connection. To be considered undesirable in my world is common. I haven't gotten any good women in my own life because of pettiness. Not only pettiness but prejudicial pettiness. There is a campaign against me that certain people have. Dodo and Chuck have made sure that I've failed and they want to deflect their relational influences and persuasions in all this. They took interest into my sex life and learned that I didn't want to hear them. 

People don't want to believe that to some degree family systems are at fault with some crimes happening. There are Familial  Relational-Prejudicial Authorities in life that everyone chooses. Everyone wants to get away with a crime. And Dodo wants to be that kind of covert narcissistic personality that wants to control everything in my life. Dodo have been the image of moral imperatives. And disguising himself in ways, I know that I don't want him to discriminate against me. FRPA claim theory have been something I wanted to study neuroethically. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features. But I am sure as hell trying to figure stuff out through Dr. John Gottman and Mr. Rollo Tomassi. 

I know that I have been studying Games People Play, well been reading and trying to understand it. I have read my books to an extent and Dodo don't want me to succeed in reading. He thinks that I have been well read but I am kind of, I think. I've been hustling(energetically motivated work plans of labor, repair and service) since I was a kid. I had a lot of good life wit' my stepfather. He paid me for chores that I could look at my chores around the house as potential money-earners wit' the family. I know lawn maintenance, I know landscaping (installing sods, raking up and doing yard work). I want to be certified in housekeeping, butlery, Handyman business and NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma. Hopefully I can do my own Apprenticeship Certificates and Red Seal if I can. 

I am interested in dealing wit' people but at the same time I have a Tradesman's mentality. I know that I have a few credentials hanging up and I'm going to get more credentials. Hopefully I can be the versatile, adaptable and employable kind of disabled worker. Eternal souls/egoes clashing because they both don't want to admit the truths. Facts of relationship or the facts of the quality in a relationship. What's the right construct when I have been wrong for so long. I know that I am happy that I have a level of education, training and driving level. I know that I can't knock the hustle but I am making short-term goals and small steps, small victories help with the self esteem. I know that. I have a good level of fitness and I have to work on my cardio fitness through basket ball, treadmill and lifting weights when I'm home. I know that I've been doing what I needed to do, ta make a good home out of We'koqma'q community and have my own business and everything. 

At Mawita'mk Society I am believable in ways where I have supports and moral supports. I know that I have a lot of good memories at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I cannot knock the hustle because side hustles have been something that I need wit' Mawita'mk Work Program. I know that I have been happy, alive and living ideally at Mawita'mk Society and learning from books every time I go down Inverness Dialysis Unit and start reading. I know that I am well read to a extent, depth and caliber. I know that I have a good support to work within my realm of reading right now. 

The sacred quality of a good relationship is where I have been trying to maintain. I know that certain relationships in my life have been good for truths and facts. But mostly because I have been a criminal-minded most of my life because of Dodo. What is this phenomenon? What truths we cannot bear about criminals? What's the dark fascination of criminals or criminality that has us studying it in criminology? What part of our dark psyche we are fascinated by these kinds of immorality that we create fields of ethics? Bioethics? Socioethics? Psychoethics? Neuorethics? What kind of creatures do we associate with certain criminal personality? That psychoanalysis or psychotherapy haven't tapped into yet? The darkness I hold? Does that fascinates you? Does social psychoethics can provide an answer to some of these questions? Can social psychology?

I am not indestructible because I've been trying to figure out which theories I want to study in social situational morality. Am I studying works to develop my own biopsychosocial theories? I know that psychological theories are interesting to read about. Sigmund Freud, Carl G. Jung, Eric Berne, Marsha Linehan, n' other doctors I have in my collection. I have been happy reading these things and learning about relationship tips from Dr. John Gottman and associates. I know that I've been learning from Mr. Rollo Tomassi and everything I need to try out. 

I know that I have a lot of women to choose from but I don't think that they want me. I know that women can make me into an incel because I've been a criminal. I hope that I could learn a thing or two about my own incel's hell.  I know that I'm experienced and have been wanting to go out on dates but the dating scene have been terrible. I know that I don't have any powers to stop a bunch of guys from raping. I know that I want to be formidable but I am not indestructible. I know that I need to work on my own protections and safety procedures. I want to be in business with We'koqma'q Band Office and have a good professional relationship. 

I am at a stage in my life where all I need to do is focus on my cardio fitness at my 30s. Because I have a level of education, training and driving level where I could get a couple of jobs and have my own business in the community through Red Seal programs. I am at a stage, level and age in my life where I have the proper supports and everything I need to live my life without a price or anything like that. I know that everyone is two-faced sometimes and I know that they want my things. Hopefully I can start a trajectory where I move back home with all my credentials, copyrighted publications and successful businesses in We'koqma'q community where I need more scheduled workloads to move out of this community. That I'd lived so well that I have my own cardio fitness and dance moves. And all my credentials and copyrighted oeuvre and inventory of artworks, arts n' crafts, paintings, drawings and other works I hope to make. 

In We'koqma'q I am building upward and I hope that I could build from negativity to positivity. I have already and I know that I just need to type it all up. I hope to register a business with the province of Nova Scotia and get the money saved up to figure out how to send my Ready Books section through emails and stuff. Ta get copyrighted and hopefully published. I know that I need to make a few good copyrights and copyrighted publications for my poetry. 

I have Cape Breton Books and I think they've given me a few copyrighted works of mine. I have been in learning-ta-trust the process of reading in my 30s. I know that I have family to validate my range of knowledge. My stepfather wants me to be helpless, hypersexual, hyper-independent and emotionally dysregulated with such deepen relational dysfunctionality that I cannot seem to get out unless I tell the truths and facts about my life. I know that I have been wanting to have an honest conversations about how Dodo and mom(Diane Mae) have covered up their little secrets, in sequence of covering up my secrets. 

I know that I have been emotionally fucked up by certain people. And learning that people are naturally moral cowards instead of Klingon's brave embrace of their wrong-doings. I know that I admire Commander Worf's ways of such philosophy: honor, dignity, temperance, forbearance, tolerance and prudence. I have respect for Commamder Worf. I know that I want to have his qualities and have a sensible lifestyle with these kinds of moral imperatives. I know that I have tons of coping skills, virtues to follow and a sensible life where I could develop myself through daily reading and researching. 

I am reading because I want to know social knowledge from addictions, from social psychology and from relationships experts. I want to understand the human psychology of relationships between intercultural addictional poverty and attritional poverty. Which I think they are both poverties that have been interchangeable and similar in ways of familiar Comforts of Addiction. I want to further my theories and ideas where I could work out on academic research. 

A lot of people think and want credit for pointing out certain things. I know that criminals, cheaters covering up pedophilia and addicts are all the same for certain people. I know that I've been abused in many ways, for many years and had that kind of Indigenous descendant socioeconomic reality. Personally I hate myself because nobody wants to talk about subjects like pedophilia in higher powers of socioeconomic infrastructure, the teachings used ta cover up pedophilia, certain types of discrimination, poverty and addiction. I know that I don't have any respect because I have been learning dysfunctional autophilia. I know that they use autophilia because self true love isn't real in them. 

I know that Ricky wants his relational influences and persuasions of being calm, forceably accepting and being blindly trusting. Ricky doesn't respect me because he is an asshole. He doesn't believe in equal rights with stigma-free mental/emotional states. He is a weak man and nobody to look up to. I was raised by high-value men in my life [former addicts and criminals] who have granted me their range of knowledge, level of education, highly trained and accredited workers. Who have been well taught with grief, traumas, discriminations and prejudice, and knows how political leaders work. That's why they are strong with being a strong-minded conviction man. 

There is www.povertyinstitute.ca in Canada and I think there is an Interdisciplinary, holistic mental health Certifications and professiona associate degree. Well there should be from this institute. There is a lot of Certifications from professional programs, from schooling and for work experience. I know there is accreditation programs that I could benefit from. I want to learn from CCPC, CTRI and other areas where I think I could use in my life. I know Gottman Institute but I think that I have to learn more. I know that I am held back because I don't have any finances to figure out these programs. 

Yeah I am reflecting on fourteen years of past happiness and history with Mawita'mk Society. I have a lot more living to do and hopefully I can use my obedience virtue life skill to do something with my life. Like build a routine and have the workethic(any personal sets of values that an employee approaches work with), dignity of labor(egalitarian respect for every jobs, types of work, mental or physical occupations, professions and labor), importances of work(work helps you gain a sense of pride, self-satisfaction and develops a strong sense of duty and service by re-affirming that you can support yourself financially. With work you have self-esteem, develop self-efficacy in your job skills, develop routines and habits. You earn money to cover bills, groceries, clothes, cleaning supplies, rent or mortgage, car or truck, shoes or boots. And pay for social or personal dating activities or personal activities or simply activities in your leisure) and job satisfaction(which is the level of sense of fulfillment or enjoyment you derive from a job). 

Starting to believe that women aren't that responsible when it comes to choosing a sexual partner. Their choices of a romantic partner is the badass, the deadbeat and classic abusers. I know that I don't match up with certain things because I did not train or build up my body. Non-judgmental acceptance of me would be the ideas and ideals of a good woman. Looking at some of these women I don't think I match up to their criteria. The criminal isn't what I want because I know that kind of psycho-sexual attraction. There isn't any ideal, traditional women in these days because girls start as young as 11 or 12, to have sex and not save themselves for a partner. It's the relationship journey that they supposed to explore. Not explore with all these kinds of people. Superficial powers of discrimination, accusation and exploitation aren't gonna solve your little problem, of being molested and abused. 

I know that would be major self-esteem issues for them. I know that I have been wanting to enjoy my sexuality but apparently I cannot without Dodo or somebody's approval. I know that I'm no cheater but a paramour in ways. I know that I've been discriminated against because people hate me and in that I am a nerdy, Indigenous descendant who everyone wants to hate on. So certain people tell me. Learning that Hypocritical Hypergamous Hypersexuality, The 3 Deadly H has been something that I need to not worry about. I don't think I'm poor but women wants to phish for money. I want to make something of an inventory of artworks, poetry, novellas, essays, expositions, theses, drama, proses, speeches, historical expositional essays, short stories, autobiographies... I want to come at my own life with a good understanding of my abusers' past crimes. 

After work I want to chill out wit' my Dawgs and have a good time. After I've done everything I need to do daily, steadily and routinely. I want to get that BA degree where I have Psychology and Addiction as a major. I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities but I have a level of education, training and driving level where I could work. I just need to loose the weight ideally by walking four or more times daily. 

I know if I'd ruled my own world people wouldn't be bothering me at my downtime. They would admit their wrongs and they wouldn't be moral cowards. I know that I didn't have paradise in Eskasoni because only good people, not people with disabilities could live there. Learning that nobody wants me returning to my old apartment because of family n' beer. I know that I don't have any respect but I have respect from family in ways. I know nobody wants my holistic healthy ego-states balanced, my personal power returned ta me, and let me have my personal leadership to rule my own life. 

I want to have my own inventory n' oeuvre of arts n' crafts, artworks, copyrighted publications and other works I want to have at Mawita'mk Society. I better start through Mawita'mk Work Program. I hope that I could be productive at Mawita'mk Work Program. I want to build an inventory n' oeuvre at Mawita'mk Society. I know that women have hardships too, not as same as men but a little younger. Learning to build positivity in my life and learning to accept certain people in various stages of their lives. I know that I want to make happy, positive impacts in the community and my hometown. I want to contribute to the socioeconomic, community-operated infrastructure and cultural hometown of Eskasoni. And my second hometown: We'koqma'q community. 

I wonder how long it would take to become fit again? Without my stepfather? I think I should use Jennifer Ann Muise's daughter's online fitness training. Hopefully I can put it on my computer or laptop. Maybe Mawita'mk Society would pay for it? I want to try anything and hopefully I can build a good level of body fitness in Mawita'mk Society. 

I know that I want to learn motivational psychology. I have my hierarchy of needs met: I just need to work on my options for approaching the fitness equipment at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I want to sweat and build muscles like how I used to. I know that I need to lead my own life in terms of better levels of general body fitness. Hopefully I can get Mawita'mk Society to pay for my training sessions. I hope that I could get her down here and train me. 

I know that in both sexes there are good and bad people in each intersexual gender dynamics. And knowing how to spot them out and learning about them, is something difficult because of diversity, complexity and depth and calibre of social thoughts. I know that people need guidance and in-depth knowledge of certain people. Feeling very appreciative of my range of knowledge, I want to keep going with my reading, learning, searching, researching and studying. In this sober life what's there to do but work on learning. See? Learning is multi-faceted, there are various ways to learn and do. 

I am almost 40 years old- I am 38 years old and turning 39 this September. I am no where near what I want to do with my life. I want to lose the weight and build lean body muscular fitness. But I need help in doing certain things and hopefully I can get Renita Muise's help. I know that I need to work within those potentialities of building a good friendship with her. It's been 4 years of struggles since I'd started this weight loss journey. I know that I'd started at 2020 in January. I know that it's been 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023 and 2024. I've struggled with dieting and lifting weights and getting on the treadmill. I need a Fitness trainer and I think Jennifer's daughter would do the trick. I was 35 in 2020, 36 in 2021, 37 in 2023 and 38 in 2024. In 2025 I'll be 40 and hopefully by than I have some weight losses. 

Ricky loves to hear his own voice. He has egocentric biases that annoys the hell out of me. Ricky isn't solution-oriented, strength-based or have any faith in the literature of today. He believes that he is all knowing through listening and hearing. I know that I don't get anything from Ricky because he is a shit talker. Or a talker. All I hear these days are gossips and rumors, bitching and whining. Because I was taken out of the socioeconomic equation,  I have to sit and listen when I can read and learn. People believed that they are the start of certain things when my stepfather diagnosed the underlying problems years ago. People think there is a unique thinking because they haven't researched addiction/mental health literature. 

Years ago my stepfather learned from the best: Clarence J. "Mcgee" Gould from Boston, Massachusetts and lived in Eskasoni. Mcgee was a Treatment Director at Eskasoni Rehab. I know with a few talks with them they knew to diagnosed the underlying problem long ago. This Dr. Gabor Matè guy is just validating what Mcgee and my stepfather knew long ago. They didn't write any books or anything but they just had faith in the way things turned out. 

Ricky annoyed the hell out of me tonight. August 21, Wednesday/2024. I know that I had to deal with Ricky and I know that every NA and AA I have to deal with him. I don't get anything out of his talking. He is fishing for issues. I know that I'm not going to these meetings anymore. I know that I don't want to be stuck at Theresa Cremo Memorial Health Center all night. 

It seems that Ricky's legacy is leaving me a weak-minded kind of view of the world. He doesn't wants me to be a high-value man. Or believe in myself with such level of self-efficacy, trust in my own abilities and myself to figure it all out, faith in my own soul to become stronger, and become stronger with my convictions, values and principle of character. This kind of AA and NA worked when I was down and out but I know that I don't need anybody because I've been learning what it takes to become resilient, to become my complete independent Indigenous descendant self again. I know what trust in myself is because I was a child addict: suffering the consequences and responsibilities of other people because people deflected accountability and consequences of their own actions for years. The adults around me became moral cowards in the eyes of God, compelled to lie and cheat.

I know that I don't need any one of these bastards because they thrive off of distrust in themselves, no matter how they see my trust in myself; I had to relearn these words again and become my own advocate of my own moral imperatives. These people are moral cowards to learn to trust themselves again. To build up convictions, to become stronger with principle of character. My stepfather didn't want me to have self trust in me for the longest time. And I'm sick of it because I've been tolerant and understanding and patient. 

Dodo, my stepfather and my biological mother wanted me to respect then in this state because they were moral cowards. No integrity, dignity, self-respect, pride or belief. Self-efficacy was thrown out the window because they didn't want to face their moral consequences. Even now Dodo don't want to because he is a moral coward. I don't know any high-value men in my own life. Let alone high-value quality in a relationship. Nobody taught me the real meaning of moral imperatives in deontology yet. I've been thrown into a hell's thuggish world of addictions and poverty where hunger and hurt is always around. I've been abused and nobody wants to get to the abusers' side of things where they did do that. I know that Mike MacInnis wants me to be curious about my abusers and learn from them. He must hates me. 

Ricky isn't doing me right. Ricky isn't doing right by me. He is a moral coward and a weak man. I don't think that he has any respect for me. It's like he took my willpower, determined effortfully focus and mental sanctuary of motivated vigor. In general I don't trust people because of stuff like this. I know that I don't have any inner sanctuary because he feels he has rights to my mind. That is ageistic authority (prejudicial authorities) he is using.  I have to be tolerant and enduring, I have to be patient and understanding. The practice of forbearance and fortitude isn't what people teaches. To have trust in myself. 

People look at weakness as a end-all kind of thing. Like they are professionals in eschatology. But its delusional to think that looking at weaknesses isn't an opportunity to grow, to suffer and develop and define your suffering into strength or moral imperative. But as you develop resourceful beliefs (working beliefs), useful suggestions and strength-base approaches to certain weaknesses in your life. Too you have to allow weakness to understand yourself better and to identify your emotions. To become emotionally literate. 

I cannot really go against the established order of native people because in their fucked-upness I have to blindly and without willpower of myself, or individualistic independence, I have to obey. I don't know Ricky that well to tell his fucked upness. I know that he doesn't believe that I should go against the old school of the Mi'kmaq people. In this community they don't respect where I come from. Learning that Ricky and Lolie wants powers over me. I know that they're old bullies of old school who uses confusion, enantiodromia, alexithymia and other things for their manipulations. 

The Gould brothers wanted me under their relational influences, social powers and relational persuasions where I couldn't rely on myself. Knowing that they need to be needed and want to be wanted. They are moral cowards and attention-whores who want to dominate my life domineeringly. With predominance of their powers in my life, they are liars and cheaters who don't want to respect anyone. And want their personal powers to affect anyone. 

Than again I'm probably being too hard. I've seen moral cowards way too long in my life. Learning that all adults are moral cowards in one way or another. There isn't any simple moments in my head. I feel like an useless, stupid ignoramus who was a putz. Feelings of betrayals, corruption and stuck in my own past has gotten me this stinking thinking. Than again I've never explored my past in the slightest ways. Nobody believes I was molested by Dodo and Lori. They'd both worked on me for years. Considering that I wasn't really sure of my own sexuality. I know that Dodo and Lori has worked on me for years. 

I want to live and start losing weight. I want to live my life to old age. Learning consistent habits and constant routines in fitness and treadmill-walking. I know that I don't want to hate because I know that I've been scary before, I just have to get back into walking on the treadmill again. And lifting weights with pacing myself in repetitions and sets. If I feel that I could do more should. I think I still have my membership at Johnny's Gym. I just gotta behave myself and do good measurably in my fitness. Ever increasing. 

I know the gratefulness after a good workout. I know the peak of my fitness journey into dopamine rush of good feelings into a good deal of positive actions. I know that I wasn't really gifted with time on this earth to spend my time going after fitness goals after fitness goals. I wasn't taught well enough and I am something of a different learner than Ray. I don't just see and do. I have to experience the skills. But than again wit' him I always have self-efficacy, confidence and intellectual self-assurance to do the fitness journey. He is something like an older brother. 

At Mawita'mk Society there is a sense of fears that I have to accept because I got no leadership or anyone on my side to help out. They call these fears as respect and I don't think I have to abide by them. There is a level of forced comfort and acceptance on their part. I know that certain workers don't care for my tiredness. They don't feel guilty because I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. And they could make a case out of my medical insanity. People in my own life have been wanting me to accept their truths and sense of righteousness. Because they are family and they ain't supposed to be exposed. 

The family hegemony has shifted since my real father passed on. Learning that not all family members wants the truths of my childhood come to light. I know that I'll be forever hated and manipulated into thinking that fear is respect. Remembering how dark the secrets are, I know that my real father has his own secrets too. I know that I have to fight these battles alone, without any supports or parental truthfulness. Moral cowards always disguises themselves as decent folks and not as darkly as some secrets go. 

I hide no secrets; I am exposed like a nerve. I cannot hide because my own step family hates me. They love it when I'm controlled, manipulated and under their spells. I know that I hadn't any honest adults in my own life because such incredible influential grip they had on me.