In We'koqma'q Community, First Nation in Unama'ki

 In We'koqma'q community I am getting the best education and training I could possibly imagine. I know that in We'koqma'q First Nation, I am in my people's cultural atmosphere and environment. I am imbued with the skills, practices and customs of my people's culture, tradition, and heritage. I know that I have learned how to work the system in my hometown and how to have a good business and everything. But in We'koqma'q community I hope that I could take certain things with me if I do move back home. I know that I could see myself with a good level of education, training and driving level where I could be employable in my hometown infrastructural jobs and other services I hope to run. I hadn't any experience in running things and I want to have that kind of social leadership of enterprising entrepreneurship where I could develop a few business connections and other connections, in my own life. I know that I am well ingratiated into this community by Mawita'mk Society and now I am in an online community or association called East Hants Community Learning Association. I get free online classes and, in We'koqma'q community I get free classes as well. Socially a lot of people have issues and everyone is fucked up but that don't mean there is nothing to do. 

Yeah I miss Eskasoni and I want to be well educated, well trained and well licensed to drive, be employable and hard working. I know that in We'koqma'q community I have a level of success and accomplishment to a good trajectory. I know that a trajectory is a magnetic or habitual path of doing stuff. I know that it could be easy to fall back into old habits and on a downward spiral of negative inner darkly circular trajectory. I know that I'm happy where I am at for now but I want to eventually move when I get all my major goals of credentials-earning from Retail Council of Canada's education, ISSA-Canada Cleaning Management Institute's courses, Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program, Nova Scotia Judo Referee Training, NSCC and NSAA training in landscaping and carpentry, and get my BA degree for good measures. I want to be well educated, well trained and well licensed in driving where I could get my professional credentials and licenses. 

I am doing an 6 weeks program or have done a (6) Six Weeks Living With Grief: General Grief Certificate Participant program with Bereaved Families of Nova Scotia and We'koqma'q Theresa Cremo Memorial Health Center's Mental Health and Addiction services. There is development needs and other housing issues that are being approached with We'koqma'q Band Chief and Council. I know that I've been learning a lot thoroughly with We'koqma'q Health Center and NSCC and hopefully in the future, Unama'ki College. I hope that I could be well educated with the programs coming and with the classes with East Hants Community Learning Association. Now I am in this East Hants Community Learning classes online where I get a Certificate of Participation, I know that I don't quit learning just because I am not in a classroom or online class. I hope to continually improve, edify and grow personally, intellectually, economically, physically, physiologically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I hope that I could do the best in my resilient reading, have a good understanding of things and stuff, and work on my own trajectory. 

Over the years I should've taken pictures with my phone when I was in programs and schools. I know that I have to work on that, posting graduations and stuff like that. I know that I have a few credentials on my wall. And I know that I will continue to learn new programs and stuff because I want to be well trained in almost everything I know. It's an eights weeks program; this Mi'kmaq language program. I have erudition of my modern people in Unama'ki and I could make connections professionally, by being an Interdepartmental Liaison and a Skilled Tradesman Advisor. I want to have the backing of the community in We'koqma'q where I have earned their respect and sense of workethic. I know that I want to prove myself in ways where I can learn from the best and have a good amount of skills and experience in landscaping and other construction work. I know that cleaning is a trade and if I want to go for something simple when in my 60s, I hope that I could get a good 8 years of apprenticeship and a few years of schooling. I know that I have plans to become something of a good worker with We'koqma'q. 

I want to be the Weekend/Program Assistant Counselor. My physical, volunteer training was my upbringing where I'd felt that I'd earned a living with being my stepfather's chores butler/errand boy. I know with that job I'd learned locations and stuff like that at one time. But my memories where a little foggy and I could kind of go places because I had a lot of good chores to do with family. I know that I was in Eskasoni I'd learned a lot and I could put to good use my knowledge and respect the people that can work the job. And if they need an extra person I would do it if I could get overtime or some kind of pay with We'koqma'q Band. I know that I have been learning grief and native language. I know that over the years I've been in a few programs with Steeper Climb and other Eskasoni online programs. 

My first graduation was with Eskasoni Rehab back in 2010, in October but my academic graduation was with NSCC School of Access, Adult Learning Program, back in 2015 around September. Which I'd worked on in 4 years of schooling from 2011 to 2015. I know that I'm happy that I got this credential because I know that people would rip me off. I know that I want three jobs in We'koqma'q which is Interdepartmental Liaison, Weekend/Program Assistant Counselor and Skilled Tradesman. I hope that I could make some cash with driving too, hopefully with delivery.  

I know that people are way too petty and self-absorbed. I know that I have been learning about DBT Skills Training Manual, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy book and counseling skills. I know that I want to develop a general professional development where I have a level of education, training and driving level where I could drive to work and around We'koqma'q community. My depth of knowledge needs experience of counseling. I hope that I could use the depth, extent and scope and nature of my knowledge to better people in ways where I could heal and help recovery.  Enrichen with a depth, level, scope, extent and nature of my erudition. Well extensive knowledge on mental health tools, coping skills and literature. Which my knowledge starts with Discovering Psychology and Dr. Philip Zimbardo but after watched a documentary on Dr. Sigmund Freud, reaching to Neurolinguistic Programming books, DBT books, pdfs and other books I hope to read. 

I know that I have been hoping to bring a better sense of humor, relaxed atmosphere and professional environment to the job. I hope that I could take the punches much as I can take the full story of my childhood. I know that I am running my own brain and in that I have to believe in self-efficacy in order to work it. I have a level of self-efficacy (refers to an individual's level of self-belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performances attainments. Or to control and believe that you are running your own body and mind in ways of Neurolinguistic Programming books and other new techniques) in ways where I have been learning to exercise the brain in reading and further understanding self-efficacy in ways of my mental, intellectual and physical prowess. I know that I have a level of intellectual confidence, level of self-esteem, a good sense of job performance, dignity of labor and job satisfaction with certain jobs I did have. I know that painting doesn't require a whole a lot of skills training. It isn't delicate work. 

It was coined by Albert Bandura in 1977, 1986, 1997. Self-efficacy reflects self-obedience to one's own principles, real right meaningful thinking independently, and what was one taught. Which was passed down to surpass my current level of physical fitness. Self-efficacy reflects confidence in the ability to exerts control over one's own motivations, behaviors and social environment. It is personal power that nobody could take away. And personal leadership is running my own life in a thriving kind of way. A person's perception of the workload may seem daunting but doable. I know that I could live my life trying to workout for Mawita'mk Society and We'koqma'q community. 

I know that I that I want to return home but I don't know if I could have what I need in my cultural hometown community. Eskasoni is the largest Mi'kmaq community. Nestled alongside Bras d'Or Lake. And a guy like me feeling all these feelings in We'koqma'q community. I know that I want my old place and in that I want to work professionally, full-time employment careers. I want a few jobs and hoping to work in Eskasoni. I know that a place or a community has power to bring back the inner strength of a person. Besides We'koqma'q community only wants to expose me. And knowing that certain beliefs and habits can have effect on me. I know that I have to move out of here once I get my second transplant kidney. There should be a Eskasoni Tenants' Association with Chief and Council. I know that there should be Inter-Indigenous Tenants Association. That way the landlords could have discussions about who goes where and what gets builds or fix. If the Association deems it worthy to rebuild a place through Eskasoni Tenants Association's Housing Non-profit Funds through fundraising opportunities, non-taxable incomes and Elder's Tenants Council. That way it's from housing experience. 

It should be at a boarding room big enough for an apartment building's populace. Hopefully we could build a Eskasoni Tenants Association building in the future or have an online presence with Chief and Council, Elders' Council and Cape Breton Tenants Indigenous Rights and Tenants/Landlord Treaties, or some kind of written agreements and projections of projects or schooling or programs. This would be Grassroot, community-online led, tenants-focused discussions about Indigenous Tenants' Rights that should be made laws or written agreements or treaties, of some kind. That is health-focused, goal-oriented, career-minded, community-minded and family-raised and financially motivated kind of directions. 

It's an open discussion on what needs improvements, education, edification or betterments. I know that I want to self-improve continually in my future and present life. And I want to enjoy the life of independence and my own place in Eskasoni. Between my cultural hometown pride and my love and respect for We'koqma'q community; I feel a lot more enrichen in ways where I could develop, grow and evolve. Changes over the years have impacted me, my hometown website haven't updated their website because they have Eskasoni First Nation Facebook page. I should change my page into Eskasoni Tenants' Rights Association. 

Anyways I hope that I could learn what people want and stuff. Learning that if I do move back I'll have to invest financially into my old place and put a good security system in place. If I am to work two full-time employments and a Weekend employment. I know that I hope to balance myself out with a good woman and have my own place and stuff. Well have my weekends to myself. But in Eskasoni I know that landlords are money-grabbing and greedy bastards that won't work with me. If I do move back into Eskasoni I would be taken advantage of psychologically because everyone there aren't that great in learning. 

I done this (6) six Weeks program with Bereaved Families of Nova Scotia. Which was called Living with Grief and learning that they believe in the 5 stages of grief, which was supposed to be the 5 stages of death. I know that I have been learning that grief can come in many waves and other ways in my life. I know that people believe that I don't have immunity to grief and in that grief is such a complex neurobiological, social, personal, spiritual, emotional, psychological, physiological and physical process. And so was addiction which was defined by Dr. Gabor Matè and others who have impacted my thinking in ways. Addiction is another complex emotional, neurobiological, psychological, social, spiritual, personal and physiological process to deal with. That we have to get Peer Support groups involved in our lives. I know that I hadn't any mental health professionals approached this with strength-based therapy and with resourceful beliefs, useful suggestions and teachings of Growth Mindset and Can-do attitude. I know that they rely on the traditional and deficit-based therapy. 

I know they care and in that I have to be patient with what they know. Now I have an (8) eight weeks program every Wednesday until December and in December I have two day program with Thrive. I know that I have a (11) eleven weeks program coming with Hope 4 Mental Health and in that it deals with Families Matter in Mental Health. I know that I am happy that I got more courses coming this coming year. And I know that I will get my Christmas bonus and spend it. I know that I don't have any bills or anything like that. And in my own life I know that I don't need Catherine or Billy Aquan because they are money-grabbing and greedy these days. I don't need to worry about my money or anything like that, other than being in Chapel Island and I know that I don't have protection from Billy Aquan or Catherine because they are toxic and money-grabbing. I know that I don't have any respect from them because they chosen to be toxic to me. To add to my stress and personal history. 

I know that I need to be with Billie Jean and keep my own life strengthen and improved because I have this laptop and stuff. I know that my smartphone needs a new wire for it's block. I know that I need to be more careful with these East Indian people because they have no respect for cultural differences in Canada. I know that I need to work on my own mental health tomorrow because I will be celebrating my graduation from the Living with Grief program. Billie Jean is my half-blood sister and a good, responsible person but often times critical of me. She criticizes me when it comes to stultifications and making me seem foolish and stupid. I have a good routine with Mawita'mk and in that I should've taken pictures of my journey with NSCC School of Access: Adult Learning Program but I'd cherished all those memories in ALP. 

In We'koqma'q, I am safe and protected in ways. I know that I have a lot of good memories and very few bad memories. I know in Eskasoni I've suffered humiliations and while I was in Chapel Island I'd suffered from beatdowns and stuff. My family haven't secured my safety in Chapel Island and learning that my stepfather only earned the title of Father to rub in my face. He wasn't the Father of the Year because he did for a price. And so many of my family would too. I was stuck with a family that didn't give two shits about my well being or anything like that. I had to bring my own thoughts to the family first before I become freed from their grips. I am diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and in that I have another complex mental illness with PTSD and anxiety. I know that now I am undesirable and unwanted. I know that I don't fit any native women's criteria or standard because no native woman would want me. Every woman I'd met up with has practiced in one sense or fashion, hypergamy and I know from experience I was a tested and taught to suffer. 

But in We'koqma'q I am learning that true peace doesn't require a response or dedication. It doesn't require sacrifice or loyalty work, it simply requires love and tolerance of spiritual practices and wisdom of the collective. I am anti-authority for a reason, a community have taught me to hide and sacrifice myself for their spoils. I am learning positive social psychological paradigm that is in We'koqma'q and in that there are good people that want me to live ideally. I know that I'm still learning peace ideally and having that inner storm that was brewing. I know that I have been learning how to have patience and tolerance of my own memories. Learning to witness my truest emotions to my memories and learning my own real thinking of my past. I know that the Morrison family of Eskasoni have been moral cowards. I know that there was a prolonged engagement and denial of my past. I know that I don't have the real correct thinking of my past fully. 

There is a Freudian projections of needs for me to be smarter than my age. That's been a long-standing opinion needed for their ease and comfort of their guilt. I know that most Morrison family are moral cowards and that's why they want me to fail or something. I know that I'm happier but more miserable in ways. I know that I am still struggling with my memories and in that I have been learning to cope with myself. I know that I am happy in a general sense, and in that I am continually improving myself over the years I've been here. Fourteen years since I've been here and fourteen years I have been working on myself. They have Freudian rationalizations about their own defense mechanisms and justifications, projections and introjections. I know that I'm still learning about my past and in that I am still grieving to a point. I know that false pride (their emotional transferences on a child's psyche) of the situations I've been in was their necessary reasons to deflect and deny. 

I know that I don't know they have admitted the truths. Since they've kept a secret for 30 years and haven't taught me to go against them. I know that I have been learning to be my truer self in all it's goodness. I know that I was in love with a few of my abusers in Eskasoni and in that I had a lot of good reasons, examples and resourceful beliefs and better values when I was with some other family member. I know that I'm still learning to be a good person and a sober, healthy, goal-oriented and career-minded person. In We'koqma'q I am doing the best that I can live in We'koqma'q community. I want to shape my own world; run my own brain and become independent in a community that wants me. Tragedy in my blood and learning to be skilled in trade and job-related life skills; I know that I was learning to live an independent life before I went insane. I know that people would take advantage of my knowledge in my collection of books, leave me in the dust and make me suffer racism and other things because certain people where fair-weather friends. 

I could say that for certain workers at Mawita'mk, they don't want me to defend myself or get it right. I know that real words hurt the most and in certain First Nation communities there is generational stereotypes, curses and trauma. And in that intergenerational cycle of mistreatments and distinctions, they want their original thoughts of prejudicial authorities to bring out the worst in me. I know that they want me to say that I had a terrible childhood and in that my teenage years have been wrought with struggles with identity, crisis and other things that separates us from the prejudicial authorities. I know that I had to learn that I was in the grip of their game and in that they wanted me to suffer and regret and have all the negative feelings with being smart. I know that they projected their needs and used Freudian rationalizations to justify their causes and stuff. They still believe that they are in the right. 

I am learning to cope with my own truer emotions and anger. I know that Mike MacInnis doesn't want me to learn about my past more fully. I just needed to be validated and accepted and respected in this struggle. But Dodo is such a vindictive, pettily-assed bastard that he would torment me in many ways. And that's why I have all this experience with abuses and mistreatments, gaslighting and manipulations that he has executed under threat, under the influence and with certain formidable swarming. I know that I was hated by the Morrison Family of Eskasoni because they wanted power and respect. Like most pedophiles that get that and has to corrupt the world. I know that they wanted Heterosexual, Hypersexual, Hypocritical Hypergamy on their side and they had it all in my life. I know that I was hated and mixed up by their involvement and their drug and everything they've taught. 

I know that I’m still learning to cope for myself as I learn positive social coping skills. I know that I haven’t really remembered my independence by choice. But through therapy I’d learnt that I am stuck here because I have been diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis that cannot be turned off. Nobody believes the twenty- or ten-year mark that I have been hearing in mental health videos. I know that I have to learn all this on my own and work on my arguments in a good sensible way. I cannot argue with certain workers because they would call it argumentative, which I don’t know what they mean. In the mental health world, I cannot convince myself of certain mental health empowerment because it would mean that I’m trying to convince myself of certain things. I know that I don’t have any power because they’d don’t believe in me anymore. I cannot join with certain training because this province still believes in certain forms of disablism and ableism that they don’t care for. I know that I cannot do certain things because I am not supporting certain people in my life. 

I remembered when I wasn’t insane and hadn’t been corrected to a certain degree. I know that I don’t fit any criteria or anything like that, because I have to choose certain words that they want me to choose. I know that I don’t have any remembrance of my own independence because people taken control of me running my own brain. I know that they didn’t want me to enjoy my independence and they didn’t want me to enjoy my childhood in complete freedom. Certain words and thoughts have been “bad thoughts” or “bad words” or “bad mouthing”. That was Dodo’s words because he is a moral coward and has overseen my life in every stages of my physical development. He didn’t want my truth to come about and become known. I was a child learning to live a life in being gaslighted, coping with their emotional transference of false pride and projections of their needs for me to be smarter than my childhood age. I know that my biological mother died a moral coward and my stepfather didn’t want me to enjoy my life. 

Learning to cope with my memories and the emotions connected to them. I know that Dodo tried intellectualism and Freudian rationalizations about this; to justify the reality he has created in my head. I have to go into deep psychological states and retrieve the memories of such gaslighting and manipulating. My subconscious world is his little playground and he has experimented with me on more than one occasion. I know that he has beaten me and inculpated me for certain things; have exculpated himself and never wants to take responsibility for his actions and ageistic authority, family hegemony and relational persuasions. I know that most of these family members needs me to alleviate their guilt by being the family intellectual authority (supposedly).

Being “correct”, “simple” or “good” depended on their social imagery being the righteous ones. I know that I had to learn positive social psychology from We’koqma’q and have my own life together in sensible ways. I know that I don’t have any real power or either I would’ve made meanings out of my suffering and reading. I know that I don’t have anything to rely on from my past because I know that I don’t have any real full-time employment in Eskasoni. Well kind of, I have a deep reservoir of psychological, culturological mental health supports and a deep inner gamut of love and respect for fathers in my own life. But that's my paranoia and epinioa taking flight with the ideas of anti-authority and trying to fight my own battles another way. I know that they didn't want me to put in the physical work of muscular development because I would've whupped their asses. But again they are moral cowards and they refuse to help me in any way. 

I know that I am not goal-oriented when I'm with them, or under their reign. I am scared that I wouldn't be able to fight because they keep saying that muscles don't matter when it clearly does. I know that I'm hated by most of Eskasoni because I don't have my own family on my side. I'd lived a peaceful life that any supposedly stepfather wanted me to live. And in that I hadn't achieved nothing in my young childhood. I didn't want to live ideally with peace because that would mean that I'm not goal-oriented, career-minded, financially motivated, community-minded, economically aware and family-raised. I know that people that have raised me left out the most important parts of my personal story. And in that I am struggling with my own story, to get validated and recognized. I am lost without my biological mother and she left me with this void. 

But as I tentatively live in We'koqma'q, I am learning that I can move forward with my story and stay away from people that promote an backwards thinking. I know that I don't have any good influences, hegemony, relational persuasions and other forms of social engineering in the set-up of convincing me not to fully appreciate my true emotions of my past. I know that I have to remain anti-authority and a heavy intellectual that have been through a lot of fuckery. I know that I don't have any good life experiences in Eskasoni without the bad and in that kind of nature; bad with good, I had to learn that everyone wanted me to accept the bare minimum. 

People here wants me to stay but they haven't really given me a reason to stay. They think pointing out the good things in We'koqma'q community would be good enough. The Ladies here don't want me and the female addicts in Eskasoni only uses me. So I don't have any good mental health in both places. They think that if I settle for this place I would put more efforts into living here. I don't want to be stuck here because of avolitional languishing. I want to keep moving and working on my cardio until I can build a good fitness about myself. I know that people here haven't really enjoyed the single life ideally. I know that I need to get my second transplant kidney and get off of dialysis and become working again. I know that professionally working I want to have my own professional accounts online. I want to lose my weight to an ideal weight which I have no clue of. 

I am an 39 years old Indigenous man that the Professional Health Cate system in Canada doesn't respect because I am mentally ill, grieving and sober for 14 years. Soon to be 15 and my 40th birthday. I want to work full-time employment first before I do move. I could get into certain training and work with Eskasoni Mental Health and Social Services or Eskasoni Crisis Center. I want to start with Eskasoni Rehab because I want to have that Janitorial job with ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute courses in Custodial Technician Certificate training. I want to know the best practices and contracts, I want to have the best industry practices and skills, I want to have the best industry training and tools and supplies. I want to have that kind of full-time employment with Eskasoni Rehab and have a bunch of Gladue factors and principles in place. I hope that I have a good hard working reputation professionally speaking. 

But if I could get NSCC Administrative Professional Certificate program done doing part-time schooling online. I might be able to stay in shape with my study skills because I could study on my time, well kind of... I hope that Emily could help out with this online learning. I know that I want to take a few online courses with NSCC. I am doing programs on Wednesdays every 6 pm to 7:30 pm, understanding the basic skills in Mi'kmaq language. I want to do Carpentry: Certificate program and Diploma program in 3 years but I could do those later on in life. I hope that I could get something going with my fitness and mental health. I want to do this online NSCC program with Administrative Professional Certificate program soon. I know that I could get an income I could save up. 

But if I cannot arrange my own funding through John Googoo from Eskasoni, I might as well figure out how to get into certain programs. I have gotten into the Mi'kmaq Language and Culture program with Elder Thomas Christmas and East Hants Community Learning Association. I just got to get into independent figuring out on my own, well kind of. I need to be more resourceful or communicative in Administrative Professional jobs. I could work in We'koqma'q Band Office and other places in Eskasoni. Learn the intercommunal/intracommunal politics and business profiles. There are a few online courses I want to take with Administrative Professional Certificate program, that's Library and Information Technology Certificate program, IT Programming and Digital Marketing. These professional credentials could be done in 10 years if I should take this educational trajectory. 4 years each for Library and Information Technology, and IT Programming if I was to do it online. But two years for Administrative Professional Certificate program and Digital Marketing Graduate Certificate program.