The Neurobiology of Attachment: The Bonding Experience Culturally, Psychologically and Socially

Colonization has happened and there is more Mi'kmaq history in Cape Breton. I know that I'm still learning about Indigenous Relational Managerial Consciousness. The Mi'kmaq mind has been something that I'm intrigued by, interested in and how we relate culturally, socially, and psychologically. Through language we do that and we have been using intelligent imagination (epinioa) and phenomenological systems of communication (ego-states). If people can be more, why not my theory? But I know that I've been learning a lot about egocentric biases, ego-states, ego-investments (self worthy investments) and sober lifestyle. I have been learning women's health and solipsism, how other men have the construct of "evil" doers, "narcissistic personality" and "incorrigibility". 

How healing our nations was a woman's vision and not a man's thought. There are people that want to lay claim to the ideas that became bleedless and incorruptible. How certain men are trying to get lust of those comfort zones of negativity, of stinking thinking, of their own egocentric biased ways. It's destructive, detrimental and corrosive. Mental Health haven't been in the forethought in the longest time. 

Knowing that through colonization there are many disconnects, disconnections and divorced realities from the deepest realities: nature and our newer environmental technologies that are bringing us closer to our planet. We are creating a socio-ecological duties and moral obligations in economic forces of such sustainability, renewable energy sources, global economy, society, culture, tradition and science. We are forging into something new for the modern Era. The 21st century has the future in mind with medicine (stem cell research or regenerative medicine), new psychologies(Dialectal Behavioral Therapy or DBT, Neurolinguistic Programming, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [just to name a few psychologies]). Then there are newer technologies in the future of commercial potential uses. Like Artificial intelligence(AI), 8k TV, Augmented Reality(AR) are making leaps and bounds in the medical world with robotic arms and things that Elon Musk is doing at Neuralink, like Brain Computer Interfaces(BCI), Starlink Orbiting Internet Satellites constellation, and Tesla. I know there are touch-screen technology I am currently using. Virtual reality (VR) has bounds and leaps into video gaming experience. Headband Computer Interfaces is just a prototype. We are in the Age of the Metaverse here. And Quantum Computers and 3-D printer reality like 3-D printing organs, Artificial Brain Implants, Quantum Internet, Space-X technologies for making fuel out of wasteland, Personal Medicine, Human Brain Simulators, Terabyte Internet Speed (6G), Smart Grids, Foldable Electronics, Open-Source, 3-D clothing stores (no cost), 100 terabyte hard drive, hypersonic missiles, carbon sequestration technology, small modular nuclear reactor and Starlink: which is owned by Elon Musk, Bill Gates and other Billionaires who are investing. 

But the way we have real, meaningful conversation; the art of listening and reciprocating in ways of bouncing ideas and theories off of each other, have been lost to some degree of social distancing. We are stir-crazy and hoping to regain what freedoms we had back in the 90s. I know that we are getting closer to our inner world, and in our digital realm of writings, we are learning the emotional work we need to work on. The mutual affinity and respect one masculinity to another male (not mutual affinity, mutual limerence and respect coming from love and romance) but a brotherhood where we support each other in our shared struggles of our own humanity. There is a brotherly love I am trying to joke with and tease about hypersexuality in ways of bi-sexuality because I know that I'm not the one. I'll never be the romanticized myth of being the one because the ladies I go for are too complicated, elaborate and fussy. They don't want me because I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services. I am not the picture of health or motivation, I am not well aware of the [game] and I'd lived the post-truth reality in my hometown community. I know that I didn't benefited from my cultural community with ladies because I'd learnt that I was isolated, protected and restricted from open sexuality. My step parents thought of their convenience, uses of me and how I should supplicate the family for my own personal reasons.

I couldn't be independent because I had weaknesses and disabilities, addictions and vulnerabilities. I know that in Eskasoni this wasn't the case with Billy Aquan because he made sure that I didn't get used by a lot of people. Even him cannot prevent wars or anything like that. Chuck had his secret wars and learning that he wanted this accusation to be true. And didn't want his pedophilia exposed, I know that the way I relate or interpret my life I have to re-evaluate, re-interpret and learn this kind of emotional adjustments. Knowing that they've worked on me and conditioned and made me accept their discriminations. I had to live with such abuses because their egocentric biases were on full blast. Their pettiness was very religious in ways of wanting me to not look or examined my past or anything like that. Dodo and Chuck's pedophilia is well hidden because he doesn't want me to succeed, thrive or learn without their approvals. Or go deeper into my own psyche to seek out truths and facts about them, their hegemonic influences and relational persuasions. 

I know that I was loved delusionally because of what I've witnessed. I know that with what I experienced I had to suffer because of female pedophilia. I know that I couldn't really enjoy my life because I couldn't really control my own treatments of my own life because I was a child. But as I learn inner truth I had learnt that I was truly in control, empowered by veracity and emotional literacy. I had to become skilled in doing what I needed to do, to survive in a criminal world. I wasn't allowed to watch Sci-fi or dystopian fictions because I had to be delusionally happy where I couldn't tell truths from fictions. My biological mother died as a moral coward and my biological father died with the knowledge of punching me. I know that I did not want to become abused or suffer in any way. Instantaneous manipulations and gaslighting I had to learn to cope with what they've given me as an option. Or they've would've killed me. 

I am using ego-investments as a self-worthy investments of the self. What makes you better sometimes, is the conditioning, strength training and endurance training to better myself in terms of muscular fitness. Through fitness, nutrition and walking. I know that I've been doing cardio/workout exercises in ways of doing my weekly collection of pop bottles, to count, sort by size and material, clean and bag. I know that I've been doing a pretty good job at making a routine of different activities in the Mawita'mk Work Program. The Benefits I receive is supplies and instructions from the Mawita'mk Business Coordinator/Activities Coordinator. I want to learn much from Sheila; to be motivated and in my groove in her work shop. I know that I am not trying to get a date but rather I am living ideally in my single lifestyle where I am learning from Rollo Tomassi's contents, books and podcasts and everything. 

I had dates before and I'd fucked before. It's just that I didn't find that special one I wanted. I was under-appreciated, de-valued and not really working on my own body. I was mostly doing pop bottle collection as a job. Well back in Eskasoni I had the discipline of a hard worker. I had the workethic, commitment, motivation and determination with vigor, to go to the streets and collect pop bottles. This lead me to an internship at Gabriel Center in Eskasoni. Learning that I had a good job and I was picked for the operation, maintenance, management and organization of Cleaning Services/Custodial Technician services. I had a lot of good feelings for this job. I was a Custodian/General Laborer at the Gabriel Center. That was an honor to have. I wanted to develop a good work relationship with people in Eskasoni.

I kind of still want that old apartment in Horseshoe Drive and that old job at Gabriel Center. I have a level of education, training and driving level I want to work on so that way I could navigate the job market in Eskasoni. 

The reasons I believe in works like Rollo, Dr. Richard Bandler, Dr. Marsha Linehan and others is because it's my evolution of psychological growth. I have been learning about Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Carl G. Jung, Dr. Sigmund Freud, Dr. Daniel Goldman and others. They all say that we have some kind of control over our destiny. We control the treatments of our circumstances. We direct the actions and manage the reactions of our lives. 

Learning to be grateful and emotionally adjust to my new life. Yeah! I got opportunities in We'koqma'q community. I know that I am properly supported in Mawita'mk Society. I am well taken care of and have access to the viable potentials of my own life. Learning that I have tons of good ideas and reasons to live my life on this cultural community. I know that I enjoy three meals a day, a few snacks and regular Comfort Allowance, with GST direct deposits every three months, 4 times a year. Carbon tax three times a year and I think it's almost every three months. I am enrichen with life experience in helicopter rides and a good level of education, training and driving level. This is how much I appreciate my own life; I would want to keep talking about it in a positive light. 

The network of good connections in this community have proven useful at times. I know that it's something of a miracle that I gotten here and have sociologists, social interdependent people, social psychologists and "evil" smart people becoming more knowledgeable and often learning what they need in this life. The Lucifer Effect is a social psychology book that is trying to help in understanding why people criminally do what they do. We'koqma'q community have prepared for every possible hegemonic influences, social powers/personal powers, privileges and Treaty rights. We'koqma'q community and Mawita'mk Society wants me thriving, in good self-efficacy and self-esteem, sense of purpose, dignity of labor, job satisfaction and success in my own life. I do not share my tools or power tools. I know that I've been living ideally at Mawita'mk Society but I know that I had a bunch of old fiends trying to make their social image cleaned. 

I didn't have to go. I have all the coping skills and everything I need to live a good life. I'd heard the stories before; I was a child addict going to NA and AA in Eskasoni. People there knew that I needed help and they figure that I could be well protected, valued and respected in ways of having my mental/emotional status in my head. 

The proper interpretation of my life have been about; learning about the good, the right, the beautiful, the bad, the ugly and evils of life. The same old stories of addictions that have been perpetuated since colonization. I know these stories and I've heard them before. They were traumatized at an early age; someone introduced the alcohol or drug or inhalant, and taught them how to ride it out. 

These nights with NA & AA I miss Eskasoni in this way. I wish that I was sobering up through these meetings and enjoying a level of education, training and driving level where I could get a good job and full-time employment in Eskasoni where I was financially independent, thriving economically and had the social medias and everything. I had something of a career in landscaping, pop bottles recycling and garbage removal. I didn't do it professionally but I was something of a pop bottle picker, garbage taker and Welfare recipient. I would take the garbage to dumpsites in the community and leave them there.

I kept busy in Eskasoni and I know that I had internship in Eskasoni in my twenties. I know that I'd loved the routine of regular paydays, I supplemented my welfare in ways of doing odd jobs, chores for family, pop bottle recycling. Now that if I do move I have beadwork for my own repertoire. Now I have a few credentials, skills and knowledge that I could use for myself; to be a productive and sensible member of my cultural hometown. I want to move back to that old apartment in 50 Horseshoe Drive because I have a list of credentials I could use in Eskasoni Mental Health or Addiction Services or for myself, to be better at my job. 

I want to move back to my old apartment in Horseshoe Drive. I want to invest financially into that place; either rebuild it or add or expand. I know that in We'koqma'q community I have a lot of good programming. I know that I have a lot of experience I need to figure out with NA & AA meetings. I know that addiction is a complex psychological, emotional, physiological, neurobiological, social, and spiritual process. It manifests through any behavior in which a person finds temporary relief or pleasure and therefore craves, but that in the long term causes them or others negative consequences, and yet the person refuses or is unable to give it up. Accordingly, the three main hallmarks of addictions are: 1. Short-term relief or pleasure and therefore craving; 2. Long-term suffering for oneself or others; and 3. An inability to stop. Which is Dr. Gabor Matè's definition. 

Through NA & AA meetings we have conversations that should be open to anyone. The chair and secretary shouldn't rush or create pressure to talk. I know that I've been learning that We'koqma'q NA & AA don't value me in any way. The level of respectability is at a bare minimum instead of a good level of care, respectability and love. I know that I need to move to my cultural hometown because of the neuro-socio chemistry of that place have exciting prospects of having a good time without active addicts. But this deep complex issue is an complexity of issues that comes with a good understanding of craving and want. Addicts get confuse with wants & needs. Social psychology isn't their understanding of stereotypes, constructs and experiences. 

My cultural hometown connections have provided protection, re-invigoration, encouragement and strength in my life. Hometown Eskasoni; that kind of power to properly processed my past into an interpretation of strength, faith, clear-minded mindfulness prayers, belief in myself, self-efficacy and personal leadership. I know that I'm strong and knowing this; I hope that I could learn a thing or two with my current state of stuff. I feel deeply about my convictions and moral imperatives, privileges and principles. My life have been strengthen more because the full story I could forgive. It's going to take all my training, unacademic erudition and depth and level of knowledge. First I have been working on my fitness. I know that I was lost a little; I ain't starting or re-evaluating from scratch; secondly I am well educated into certain cultures, heritages,  traditions and legacies. So I know that I got experience, knowledge, coping skills, job-related life skills, routines and a vocabulary. 

I could make any home a good homey, cozy and warm place of such paradisiacal sanctuary. But in Eskasoni I know that people would want to ruin my opportunities in Eskasoni because the Morrison family of Eskasoni financially abused me; physically abused me and taught me how to relax with smoking, smoking weed and lightly drinking hard stuff. I know that my stepfather have been wanting me to build muscles; through strict physical discipline, which I had to focus all my skills and strengths into building his yard. Fucking Charles took it underhandedly. But that's not what I want. I want to invest into that apartment on 50 Horseshoe Drive Apartment. I want to make a homey place out of it and have two jobs in Eskasoni because the amount of things I'll need to save up; would be large. 

I know that if I was to move back home, to my old apartment in Horseshoe Drive; I would have to invest into that place with Rosie's permission. I hoped that Leonard Paul could live a long time and I hoped that building could've been saved by some kind of program. I've faced racism at a street back in the early 2000s where I moved to Sydney, Cornwallis street. There was a white dude who was responsible for the TV bill and stealing my City Welfare. Educationism is still not helping me in Sydney because of disablism and ableism in Sydney. I am facing something of disablism and ableism in this community and in the bloodline family. 

I know that people are willing to fight for their lies and hurt me in any way to get people convinced of their sense of righteousness, their versions of things and how they want to lie about doing stuff to me. The Morrison family of Eskasoni taught me to lay down and take it. To not fight for my truths and facts of my life. To accept their gaslighting and other abuses. This is why Mike MacInnis don't want me to re-interpret my past; I might turn on him and harm his reputation. He is a moral coward that don't want to help me in any fashion. Guilty suffers no help. 

Knowing that certain people uses the neurobiology of Attachment as a weapon. I know that I won't get any healing because; 1. I got nobody on my side. 2. The important people to tell have died. 3. Nobody wants me to heal or process or re-interpret my past more fully. 4. Knowing that I got nobody on my side, I know that I have to fight my own battles. I know that grief is an complex emotional, psychological and physical process of pains, losses and numbing. I know that I have a lot of understanding about grief and in that I need to keep pace with doing stuff at Mawita'mk Society, in We'koqma'q community and other groups in Nova Scotia. I know that grief can be powerful and saddening in a maddening way. I could be angry or guilty because I got no prospects of getting over grief. I have to ride through it and do the best I can. 

Same as addiction; its a deep complex psychological, emotional, physiological and social, neurobiological, physical, spiritual and personal process of such intimacy you'll need the right treatment for your addiction. I know from experience these two complex processes can have an everlasting effects on the body because with one you love deeply, and the other you don't have any love. Well kind of, there are co-dependency couples. 

Anyways I know with these two complex processes, diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia (which is a complicated and complex psychosis) and born with other disabilities and a kidney disease. I had lived with doctors telling me since I was five years old, or when I started to understand things, that I had 5-years to live or every other month. I was supposed to die at a young age because I had some kind of syndrome and Thoracic Jeune of Dystrophy. I know that I had a bunch of psychological, neurobiological, social, spiritual, cultural, psycho-sexual, traditional, family, and personal issues. I am something like Batman, have too many issues and I had little time to figure them out. Why would any girl would want me? 

But with the right guidance, coping skills, mental health tools and medicine, injections and what I was raised up to be. I know that I was supposed to be raised to live a mental health concerns with ease because I was trained in tolerance, endurance, perseverance, diligence, patience, fortitude, character, prowess, strength, faith, clear-minded mindfulness, forbearance and temperance. I had a these lessons interchangeably and with a good respect to job-related life skills. I wasn't supposed to think of my own situations because Dodo's spell was on like a cloak on an invisible man. I know that people can see the truths and facts of my life but that's what criminals wants; to get away with the crimes because it's so shameful. They don't want the label of pedophiles on their names because they know that they will be treated for it. Nobody's on my side when it comes to the Morrison family of Eskasoni. 

So I might as well say this: all my life I never once was in any long-term relationship with a women that I wanted. I know that I don't match any criteria for relationship material and in that I'm still emotionally literate enough to know when my peace should be protected. I know that no woman would make efforts for me like my male cousins and baby brothers. I never was once in any long-term relationship, but I was ideally living my life the way I wanted. Dating is horrible these days, there is nothing but paying whores, prostitutes and sluts that don't mind my mind. Knowing that I am not relationship material in women's eyes. I know that I only had sex because they priced their time with me. 

With me I am the disliked One. With me I am the hated one. I was held back many years ago, not to socialize or have any girlfriend. That was my reality. And in my reality all native women wanted was money, good looks and tall, dark and handsome heterosexual man. Me? I am short, stubbly, ugly and never had any good long-term relationships. Yeah I'd fucked but I never was relationship material. Even now I have been fourteen years sober and clean, still no woman. I've been an addict most of my life, still no woman. I know that I've been struggling with the dating scene and have no results. 

I have the nightmare called schizophrenia. And knowing that I don't match up to a good relationship criteria. I know that people would leave me ignorant and in the shadowy darkness. I know that I was supposed to die at an early age, that's what scared off most of my potential relationship partners. I know that I don't have any real meaning to a long-term relationship with a female heterosexual. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services that a hypergamous heterosexual woman would find attractive. If so they've would've gotten to me. I know that my step uncles hated me; my aunt Lori hated me and my stepfather wanted the social imagery of being a father. My stepfather would rather have me alone and feeling loneliness than ideally living a single life. So would Mike MacInnis and Norma Gould. I am stuck in the cycle of negativity, stinking thinking and not re-interpretting my past. People believed that I don't need to because they figured that I don't need to critique women. Captain-save-a-hoe they want me to be. Lol. 

People that weaponized the neurobiology of attachment and loyalty with me was addicts that were narcissistic and solipsistic. I know that was most of my family relationships because I was hated because of what I'd said. Nobody wanted to believe and somehow they are hiding. I know that I have memories where I do confront my abusers they twist it on me. Dodo turns the table because I'd fucked his oldest daughter when I was five years old or younger. I know that I got the brunt of being a freak and knowing that I wasn't likened like my male cousins and older brothers. I know that I was co-dependent and just experiencing sexual life that my stepfather didn't want to handle. 

So I had to use the extreme individualism in my own childhood life and recover from addictions, let my abusers do what they needed to do: gaslighted, suppressed or oppressed. And use my life in terms that I didn't really recovered and that's why I bounce from one addictions to another. Until I couldn't really live ideally on weed, smoke but added alcohol to my repertoire. I know that I wanted to develop and grow myself into a knowledgeable person. I was The Addict that no woman would want, and now I am the sober educated intellectual who no woman would want. Female addicts don't want me, and sober chicks would go for something better than me. So that's my options when it comes to women; get royally rejected and fucked up or stay sober. I took the risks at my younger years and learned that I don't really match up with certain standards. So I might as well live ideally! 

I'd heard of men not getting love because they were mistreated, abused, gaslighted, beaten, humiliated, manipulated, discriminated and stereotyped in so many ways before they could even have any long-term relationship. I cannot think of the warmness of having a romantic partner. I am way too ugly and a liability. I have too many problems in my life that a woman would have better taste than me. My life is proof enough to prove that I am way too ugly and such a liability that I don't match up with any hot woman's criteria, or have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services that a hypergamous heterosexual woman would find attractive. I know that I am something of a failure and disabled person. 

Besides I didn't get that much sex in my own life anyways. I've been sober, clean and sexless since I gotten here in 2010. So that's fourteen years and I'm almost forty. No big successes, no car, no woman,no fitness & nutrition, no milestones or anything like that to remind me of the goodness in life. Just living ideally in We'koqma'q community where no woman wants me. Thanks Mike MacInnis for reminding me that I have no choices with the hot ones. 

Than again learning about true peace like I never had before, is something new to me. I am left alone with my own thoughts to reflect the small victories, the graduations I have done, the accomplishments I've done daily, and the activities I've done with Mawita'mk Society. Yes, they are women but they are trust-builders/trust-earners. They have a reputation of earning and building trust. I know that here I am kind of loved professionally because I'd wouldn't gotten sex with the ones I wanted. 

Anyways, I know that I don't fit any criteria in a Hypocritical Hypergamous Heterosexual Hypersexual women. I know that people wants me in doubt and have my life entirely questioned because I haven't earned a good living most of my life. I would imagined myself educated with a full-time employment, ideally living without a woman. No woman saw potential with me because she was too busy getting fucked by other guys. So why not live ideally on my own? My own people tear me down, my own step family holds me back and my own bloodline don't like me. So what's the point of getting into any relationships other than a professional relationship? What better ideal relationship than a professional one? My stepfather hates me because I am a criminal loser. The cops are watching my every move. And Mawita'mk Society has been kind to me only because they think they are saving me. 

But in reality they are supporting me for my sober lifestyle. I know that Mawita'mk staff reminded me of the zero drug n' alcohol tolerance policy. I know that I have a good life because I have been introduced to the Morrison family of Eskasoni. And in that I was taught to not accuse or "bad mouth" my step family. Dodo have been intimidating and manipulating me in ways where I couldn't tell my truths and facts of my life. I'll try to support my friends in terms of getting sober and clean. Because stinking thinking is addictional poverty struggles of cycling downward spiral into depression. I could give them books and stuff like that if they don't trust me but again, knowledge is power and too soon of knowledge could lessen the impacts of straighten out to live a sensible life. Learning how circular logic works, I know that my friends are my connections to Eskasoni. Not family... 

I know that certain relationships could bring me down into that kind of excitement and enthusiasm for addictions. And I know that I need to be strong with Mawita'mk Society. Sometimes I think I could thrive on my own because I got all this training, education and driving experience. As well job experience and job shadowing experience, work term experience and educational experience with trade college. 

My inner adult-like intellectual authority in my childhood being of addictions and traumas have been widely ignored. Dodo have been there every step of the way to gaslight and convince me to be smarter than my age. I was dealing with criminals that wanted to get away with child endangerment, sexual abuses and addictions that would've kept me with them because of the spell of being cool and the other spells of psychological warfare tactics that have been partly to disabled, wholly disempowered and dissuaded me in ways  which I was convinced that there wasn't any truths to my own memories. They needed me to be smarter than my five-year old age. That kind of extreme truth-bending individualism where I was at fault, was their faults and abuses even more. Why did they use extreme prejudicial individualism on children when they were at fault? What were they hiding? A moral coward teaches to be well hidden. 

I know that I wasn't taught to have healthy boundaries and and privacy. I know that I was supposed to be forced to share my wealth because I wasn't allowed to plan financially, for myself or develop and save money for myself, or use my own economic resources for myself. I had to think of the Morrison family first before I went to do something I wanted to do. And knowing that they act like enforcers and parental figures in my life: including my sisters Billie Jean and Catherine. I hate the fact that I was gaslighted even by them. 

Women are Hypocritical Hypergamous Heterosexual Hypersexual women who wouldn't date a male bum but would say that they've made a man enrichen. I know that Mawita'mk Society don't count because they are a charitable organization. They are a social services, not a relationship. But women don't make the man, they create boundaries and demarcation in names of their tiredness of that man. Because they aren't loyal or attached to those men. A man would use hypogamous means to find love and would marry or fuck down (like a female bum) and make her beautiful. And she would leave him once she has hustled everything from that man. A man is loyal and attaches himself to one woman. But a woman wouldn't date a guy like me. I've been learning that I am the safe option and I know that I don't need any woman because they have been users/abusers and gaslighters. 

In any romantic relationships they hustled the man because they have no skills which a man have taught. Knowing that the infrastructure of a home have to be maintained by a man because women don't do the dirty deeds. I know that I have to be skilled in job skills in the economy, I have to learn hunting skills and how build, assemble, fix and repair stuff. I don't want those kinds of responsibilities for a woman but for myself; I would love it. I just need my own set of tools and cleaning supplies. That was hard to come by because the man was gay whoever made my life difficult. And I know that whoever stole from me wasn't good company. I had to move because my older brother knew how I had to think. I was taught not run my own brain. 

A woman wouldn't admit she is wrong let alone she is a pedophile or not. I know that I've faced many troubles when it came to helping women. My own sisters alone hustled me and gaslighted me in giving them money. Women are moral cowards that way and they always need to prove a point. A man is love only when he provides and protects. I don't protect myself but they financially abused me in so many ways. Women take money over love. 

I know that isn't true for all women but the majority of women. I know that a sane woman who is a heterosexual wouldn't have to build a man that is a bum. It's disgusting and men are responsible for their own hygiene and other things. They have to build a nest before any woman would want them. And that's the cold hard facts about women. I know that a woman who is desirable and attractive wouldn't fuck down because that's not their strengths. I know that my stepfather wants me to raise his daughters up, protect them and provide for them. I know that I don't match any criteria for an attractive woman because there are only a few cases of women who would marry down. That is called "Hypogamy" and that is only a few cases. Women look attractive to catch a rich, tall, dark and handsome man. I know this because it's been fourteen years that I've been in the dating scene and working anything. I know that people want to scheme off of me and steal from me.

I try to lift people's morale, self-esteem and self-efficacy. I don't tear them down and I know this through my interactions and transactions. A woman wouldn't marry a male bum. I know that a man would marry down because he see her inner beauty and potential. A real man supports this country and a real man does the dirty deeds of the community-operated and city-operated infrastructural jobs that are hard and stinking. I know that I hadn't any real positive male role models in my own life because they haven't seen themselves pretty handsome or get compliments or have any woman supporting them like how man handles shit. The man is only valuable because he provides and protects and provisions. 

I am only valuable unless I provide financial security, food security, protection, provisions, love and support and being told to go out and do the job. We are told to be traditional to a modern woman and told to suck it up and be better. How? I see that a woman wants a man for one purpose and that's to exploit and hustle him. I know that I have been in a weaponized neurobiology of attachment, relationships and sex that only a prostitute can afford. I know that I have been hustled and told that I got no shot and in my own life I don't have any reasons to be a relationship material. I know that there are toxic women that would take an advantage of me: swallow me and spit me out with bones without sexual satisfaction. I don't get any relationship chances or anything like that because I do not have attractive desirability, or qualities, or traits, or characteristics, or riches, or strengths, or prowess, or skills, or muscles, or height, or extra curricular activities, or careers, or business, or financial independence, or physical features, or services, or sanity, or anything that would stand out to get me laid or have side chicks or a sane, attractive woman would want. I know that I don't have any long-term relationships because my memories have served me that I hadn't a woman who have made me in my darkest hours. Other than my biological mother giving me birth and feeding me. I know that the men in my life have been self-critical and that's their legacy. 

I know that nobody cares for me unless I provide, provision or protect. The three Ps of a relationship. I know that I'm not famous so this would reach anyone. And I know that I'm small enough; infinitesimal that this wouldn't cause a wide enough impact in my life. I know that I'm nobody from Unama'ki. And I don't have the Band Office for supports or anything like that because I'd called them out on a group home. And now there is a cardinal rule of relationships? Which is the one with the most powers don't need (less) the person who is supposed to be weaker? 

That's nothing compared to the demons I have to face. I know that I have been learning that heterosexual women don't find you attractive if you write out your addiction story and have confidence from it? Like how? I know that my biological mother's cheating have impacted the investigations of child molestations of me because Dodo was a moral coward. I know that she died a moral coward; covering up pedophilia with Dodo who have guided her and my stepfather, who was a moral coward in finding out who have started the sexualization of my childhood. 

I know that women bring flavor and understanding to my life. They think that I don't know certain skills because I don't practice them. But that's saying that I don't remember the events of my community/social/educational learning. Navigating my demons and knowing that they've based my salvation on a lie to cover up pedophilia. That's truest moral cowardice in the most worst way. I know that I have good relationships, friendships and family to a degree. The people that think it's hubris emotionally because I am inundated and overwhelmed by their hegemonic influence, family powers, privileges and respectability, isn't trying to cover up my story. I know that they're prestige and physical prowess I have to submit. Well not really, this way of being anti-authority while they are anti-intelligence, is something.

I know that I have been given both examples of brave female intellectuals and moral, intellectual cowards of anti-intelligence. I hate the fact that the Morrison family of Eskasoni gotten away with so much. And in that I had female leaders; brave, honest and open with me to help me feel real meanings and honest conversations about child molestations, about child addictions, about child endangerment and negligence that have happened over the years because of moral cowardice. My stepfather didn't want to hear it from me or handle me fully. So my sufferings has to be defined into meanings of forgiveness, acceptance, prudence, diligence, patience, fortitude, endurance, temperance, forbearance, perseverance and character. I have to forgive them for misguiding me, using disinformation for their gaslighting, misinformation for keeping it there and informing me when it was necessary to do so. My stepfather hasn't helped in any ways that would've saved me emotionally. And my scientific beliefs are not what other people think as real. I believe in science of new psychologies like Neurolinguistic Programming (Dr. Richard Bandler), Dialectal Behavioral Therapy [DBT by Dr. Marsha Linehan], just to name two I know but there are growing scientific knowledge being proven. 

Like psychologically how there is no biomedical markers of schizophrenia or any mental health disorders for that matter. That psychiatric doctors don't look fully at the patient or anything. No symptoms of depression is a biomedically, genetically or biologically marked. It's our survival that we go through and learning that I need to rely on somebody else for my own traumas and addictions is reversed thinking. A narrow scope of economic imagination and discriminations are real. That psychologically they have an excuse to overdiagnose people with no reliability or validity of the psychological literature. Or to delve into someone's past to a limited degree, depth, scope and calibre. My abusers didn't want to admit they are wrong because of public humiliations. 

They only assume hegemonic influences over my treatments and distinctions. They are creating a helpless guy out of no biomedical markers because they can. It's trauma's deepest responses to the events that we all face. There is a group of people, or association of people that want to overdiagnose because they haven't faced their emotional being. We decide when it's over. 

The psychiatric discriminations and prejudicial authorities in society have us wondering how they diagnose mental illness, when there are no biomedical markers, no blood tests, no genetic predispositions or cat scan that can determine the mental headspace of the brain's neurobiochemistry that determines mental illness. Yes, I have anxiety but I could manage that with mindfulness techniques and running my own brain. The simple ideas we get in our head cannot be figure out through medical science. Relationships that determines my gullibility, is people that don't want truths or facts in my life to come to surface. They've weaponized my trust to a point where I wouldn't argue or fight my way out of any situation. They've beaten me, kept me weaken, enervated and debilitated me. They have disempowered me in so many ways that my words don't carry because of this cold, cruel world we consider our economic Reality. 

But I know that I have been wondering about my mental health, why people stress over little things and why I have to be careful when it comes to joking. I need sense of humor to lighten the load and learn at a relaxed atmosphere. I know that I have a lot of good support system in place because I couldn't handle living on my own by myself. So that's what my step family wants me to say. And certain bloodline family members don't want me to return home because I would become something of a burden. There is good stress which is called eustress, and there is bad stress which is called distress. I know that in eustress I have it when I graduate or the excitement of a new job, a fun activity or doing some kind of activity. Stress is the inner pressures we feel and it depends on negative environment or positive changes, I grieved with eustress because I feel happy during my day. The more of the power of positive environment there is, the more workloads we do, the more self-efficacy we feel and the eustress grows into a sense of fulfillment, job satisfaction, dignity of labor, sense of challenging joys, a sense of accomplishment and determination. You build self esteem and confidence while you are on the job with a Growth Mindset and Can-do attitude. The workload challenge gets bigger, the more better sleep during the night.

You give it all, the more you feel spent and have a good feeling of accomplishment, sense of purpose grows and you become well accepted and acclimated to work. You don't want the responsibility of self-efficacy but once you get started, you'll learn that physical fitness and professional efficiency goes together. And in that pride, self-esteem, confidence, self-assurance and self-trust and faith in once abilities. But too wisdom in sensitive matters. 

In our shared struggles, we are all work in progress. We all have some kind of flaws or imperfections. But in our shared humanity we share our emotions, trying to define meaning out of our suffering. I know that relationships form the essence of personality, through experience we learn to work through our shared struggles and morality. We are unique creatures with the same moral imperatives: don't do wrong or people will do wrong to you. 

But in our relationship we learn that toxicity can sicken our souls. Make us blind to our truest feelings, so can our current reality can define our relationship. Shame can be a debilitating feelings of helplessness, blind to opportunities in the present. Driven insane by an known step uncles who didn't want to understand that truthfulness needed, would've validated my own feelings in the darkness which our wilful ignorance have developed to protect the emotional imagery of stability to a superficial level. They weren't aiming for betterments, edification, education and enlightenment. They wanted wilful ignorance and truthology to be stopped in my own life. My trust was pitted against my own sexuality because Dodo didn't want his relational responsibility. I know that I needed to get away from the Morrison family of Eskasoni but they didn't want to let me go. 

But my toxic family; out of my own emotional darken insanity, I'd learnt wanted me out of this wasteland of addictions, which is a complex neurobiological, social, spiritual, personal, culturological, psycho-sexual, psychological and emotional process that I cannot seem to thrive on my own in Eskasoni with a mental illness because schizophrenia is another complex disorder that I am living with also. And grief, another complex processes emotionally, socially, socioeconomically, neurobiologically, psychologically, spiritually and personally that I have to have all these supports in my own life. The depth, level, scope, nature and overall health I have at Mawita'mk Society is pretty good because of the neuro-sociobio chemistry. 

I know that they wanted me out of Eskasoni because something with Eskasoni members suffers me. And I know that I don't have any friends in Eskasoni because nobody is sober, clean and honorable. I started out with the ideas and inspirations from Star Trek, Star Wars, DC Ainimations, Marvel Animations and other Sci-fi movies and cartoons. I know that I love certain Sci-fi movies and cartoons. I know that I have been learning that friendships was questionable because everyone in Eskasoni, who was an addict started eating at my place because of Rob Shipley. They manipulate, gaslight and convince people that they don't owe me.

In Eskasoni they would weaponized my trust because of personal petty issues. They wouldn't want to understand because of their wilful ignorance, their hegemonic influences and relational persuasions. I know that I don't have any trust with paying because my sister Katt showed her ugly side as a payer. She shirk her fiscal responsibility with me and thinks that I'd forgotten. Why because Billy Aquan wanted me to? Why because you think you have family hegemony? I know that if I'd moved in Eskasoni there will be a shit show. Certain workers think because I am a payer I have to pay right off the bat. I want my own place and I want to have my own house and everything. 

As my perception darken with family and real friends who want to be sober. I know that the Bloges have been wanting me to stay here and enjoy my life. Hometown Eskasoni has been something of an enticing experience again, with the experience and knowledge I have. I know that here I'm loved and I'm resilient in ways. But Eskasoni would take advantage of the mentally ill's medications and wonder why the mentally ill are having a breakdown. The addicts who have normal brain waves think that they could command mental illness. The shit show started in Eskasoni when I was living at Leonard Paul's apartment building. Everyone took advantage of me and wonder why I didn't want the Morrison family of Eskasoni in my life? Or any Eskasoni people? They've weaponized my trust, they've manipulated my friendships and ruin a good name for their selfish toxicity and waste and sickness. 

In my NSCC Construction Trades Labor program I was humiliated and manipulated to suffer. I know that I wasn't that well received in Wagmatcook and in that I was being tormented, bullied and starved because people in NSCC Wagmatcook didn't want to leave me alone. I know that back in 2015/2016 it was discriminatory, stereotyping and biased. I know that I didn't have any good people helping me. I know that I suffered discriminations and prejudice from Wagmatcook people. I know that I had to graduate fast as humanly possible. 

Learning that people uses the genetic fundamentalism for their arguments of why they are anti-social, or addicts. The Power of junk science like phrenology or eugenics have been influential in learning real science. Anyone can argue that these sciences (junk sciences) have valid reasons for uses in today's society. But genetics is a real science that is not being used for psychological reasons, research or study. I know that people aren't medically using the medical science for psychiatric reasons because they are professional guessers. They male an educated guesswork in their ideas and way people act the way they do instead of looking at the traumas or personal history. There is a deeper toxicity to their criteria of who is insane or who has what. Genetic fundamentalism is used in ways of my past to justify certain factors and things in my own life. A mystery to the ideas and principles of science, we aren't using science to the fullest extent. 

As I learn in Indigenous life, there is deep multifaceted sufferings that have been a child like me went through with the emotional neglect of my real parents. I know that my schizophrenia has historical contexts and connections in understanding, defining and creating meaning out of my mental health issues. I am discriminated because Mental Health haven't delved deeper into the traumas and historical story of me. How we suffer in life creates our brain chemistry into what we change it into. If a hidden world has been something of a child's inner world. Than there is more to the story than meets the eye. Dodo and my biological mother have been confident liars, gaslighting me and creating a Multiverse of hells that I'd suffered. 

Not all the sufferings I've went through is because of the Morrison family of Eskasoni. They've used their relational influences and persuasions to create moral imperatives in me. Lessons I've done over the years I'd struggled with my past. To appreciate the full story and meaning there was cheating involved and starter-abuses in my life. I was a good boy at first and than I'd seen something and experienced most of addicts' sexuality. They were fucked up but projected being smarter than my age because they were deflecting and gaslighting at the same time. Yeah the Morrison matriarch taught me to tolerate, to express myself and to be honest with her. I didn't get my chance because I was being oppressed at the time. Knowing that I'd missed couple opportunities in my lifetime. I know that my Grammy Jessie Denny could've had me accepting and fully appreciating my story. 

The slavish morality of my masters was a student's morality of a enlightened teachers, counselors, guides and supporters of being righteous, good and all accepting. Of uncles (special interests in learning from them: when learning is multifaceted) and my step parents who starved off disappointments, ameliorate guilt, soothe aches of loneliness, taught family love is all accepting, always trying and thriving to be the better version of themselves, of being generous and good with the right people. Financially I could forgive and learn to accept my baby sister. But my step uncles have took the demonization and vilification of truer emotions I had. Always stopping resentment in disguise or any form of hatred coming to mind. I know with an honest look at my past; I could rely on my neurobiology of attachment styles. I know truths can come out and if they are reacting in guilty ways. That's them and not me accusing them. 

Colonization here has happened and decolonizationary process is starting. It's an very complex and diverse process where culturally, psychologically and socially we bond. I know that they haven't met up with their truths, that's how fucked they are. Because of colonization we have been struggling to re-learn peace ideally in a sober and clean way. I know that motivated efforts to become the best versions of ourselves presents in the present with what we say, do and learn fully. My family may be fucked up but they've tried to become the best versions of themselves through sobriety and clean lifestyles. My bloodline and my step family have adopted me in ways but I'd accepted them for who they are: flaws, crookedness or a type of fuckery. Dodo have guided me with simply my mother's mindfulness techniques in prayers, belief and values. Epistemologically to live in ideal peace, in a sober and clean way is to live sensibly and good. A sense of direction is going back to work to save up money for my schooling. And car...

My healing journey in my 30s are here. And I'm resilient and powerful with self-efficacy, sense of purpose well established, a good self-esteem and now a healing journey. I'm enrichen to have these ties in Eskasoni, in Unama'ki (Cape Breton) and the rest of Mi'kma'ki. I know that family can be difficult, complex, diverse and important. As much as we have complex processes and mental illness, too we have to use common sense in science to determine where these illnesses come from. We have to use medical science to figure our psychiatry. I'd learnt the true meaning of family, a sense of community and diversity and complexity in a family. That meaning is unconditional love because nobody has given it to them. Its not compensation, it's not reimbursement or pay backs; the Morrison used love to the best of their ability, haven't failed me but couldn't protect me from a war I was going to go through. As well family can he petty and selfish. I know that I want to be because I never had the chance. 

Billie Jean picks the smallest thing in my life and exaggerates the litanies of issues I have like its part of my insanity, when really I'm just being lazy and trying to relax. She loves nitpicking my flaws and turning them into a pathologized version of my insanity. Which in mental health you could pathologize anything and everything because it doesn't fit your needs in life. I know that with my stepfather's banking system she has diagnosed me in every possible hegemonic influences she had, to determine that I have a delusion of dependency on cash and not self purpose. I know that before all this pathologizations and psychiatric discriminations, I was living a good life but B had connections with my landlord which I didn't, and she overpathologized my laziness and simplicity. Which she beguilingly calls me stupid to a degree. 

Ever since she found out that our family isn't half decent, she took a mental breakdown and started a career in Mental Health and Rehab where her stinking thinking/overthinking taken over and she is seeing symptoms every where. I know from experience that learning symptoms and criterias are a symptom of overthinking. She claims to see symptoms and don't know the proper treatment for each symptoms. Yeah she is equipped to handle symptoms to a degree but she isn't trained to diagnosed them. I know that First Aid First Nation Mental Health trains you in that kind of differentiation. 

See my stepfather, her father have taught me the real values of hard work and keeping a clean place. I know that through a banking system, and her father understanding me through our relationship since I was a baby. I know that she pathologizes me Dependent, Deprived and Desolate. I was lacking because somebody kept on stealing or complaining about my alarm clock. And I've been struggling to get stuff like Electronics in my apartment because I did not have any visa or online accounts. Billie Jean seen symptoms when the NSCC Human Service instructor talked about family. From my childhood I knew something was deeply wrong with my family because: for starters they are broken up and mom was cheating. That was a long time.e trait of the Denny/Paul legacy. 

Learning that's the family bias, thus the family hegemony, or leadership authority they take because they want to overpathologize. I know that I'm guilty of my own biases and wrong diagnosis. Knowing that I have been learning people's personal beliefs about schizophrenia and drug-induced psychosis. I know that I was fertile for such psychological discrimination and overpathologization. I was given a minimum of 20 years before I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. A nightmare of a mental illness that I did not want. I don't have anyone that knows me personally or intimately because the construct which I was given; was viable for pathologizations through mental health. Yes, my quality of life have improved but I know that people wants me to accept my mental illness as something real. Without genetic fundamentalism at the ready or physiological markers. I know that I'm stuck in a self perpetuating cycle of mental health overpathologizations. That's the bias they are going with because there isn't any deeper truths needing attention. Mental Health only superficially settle for the Band aid and don't want me to go any deeper into my past. It has to fit the criteria and standards of mental health descriptions. 

I know that how they overpathologizing a twenty year ol with historic traumas, grief, addictions and poverty-issues and anti-authority against the hegemonic and egocentric biases that serves the leaders in a faultless, near-perfect and bright side of things, to be smart enough to be petty and self-righteous in terms of not having genetic testing to schizophrenia, using medical science to certain mental/mood disorders, not using medical technology for mental health reasons. Using medical science n' technology that could greatly benefit psychiatry, to determine my schizophrenia, would be greatly beneficial to my ease of mind.

I know that the trend or mainstream, of mental health overpathologizing, or their hegemony and egocentric biases can serve as a blind spot in medical science and medical technology. The stripped mind of,  of faculties of individualistic independence is a common practice among families because of building generational stereotypes, just one would do for such overpathologizations. 

Learning how I'm supposed to be the criminal and lunatic because Dodo tried to build a case, sexism exists and superficiality of truths and deeper meanings aren't needed for these motherfuxers because I know that overcriticizing and heavy reliance on mental health, have served their Solipsism and Egocentricism. I know that certain protocols and procedures of Mawita'mk Society I'd in place, for individualized care plans into actionable treatment plans, diet and supporting, of clients with prompts and promotion. A certain kind of hegemonic and egocentric, faultless biases are crafted and created because of such dehumanization.

These biases protect but dehumanizes a person and disconnects them from their humanity. My step uncles have personal information on me to manipulate, twist and to discriminate, at will. They don't care if I do suffer because I've been suffering since I was five years old and much younger medically. I want to live a thriving, healthy and happy life in We'koqma'q community. Or Eskasoni. I know that most people don't like it when I do put up my guard, because they want the information to manipulate. It takes a certain type of social psychology skills to manipulate everything against a person with such hatred and anger. I know that certain social psychology skills, tools and techniques have been employed to manipulate the mental health hegemony to an egocentric, faultless biased way of thinking of my drug-induced psychosis as schizophrenia. Especially paranoid type. 

I know that mental health needs more genetic testing, to determine physiological markers and to have a blood work for schizophrenia. Mostly they don't have any good reasoning to determine the relevance of blood work and other medical tests, to determine anything from schizophrenia. Especially my schizophrenia. 

Anyways I had been doing good here and I guess that the injections are doing good. My measures of them is how I was shifted from a coherent person to an incoherent person, than to a medicated mind. I am usually the target in most cases of my life because everyone has a narcissistic personality types.