Hometown Nostalgia: Remembering The Story and Continuing With This Story and Trying Ta Get The Full Benefits of Moving Foward

I had a bunch of good things happened in my hometown. I had both good and bad things but mostly good things happened in Eskasoni. The reason why I'd moved was because there wasn't any group home in Eskasoni. There is a nursing home but to have options like a group home, is something that I would cherish. But in this multi-generational, multifaceted sufferings of this Multiverse I could've been a Socerer Supreme in one reality or eon ago. And be a schizophrenic patient still keeping the beasts at bay in this reality. I'd worked on my schizophrenia and level of education, I'd worked on my level of fitness and job. I know that I couldn't keep a long career because of medical problems. 

I know that through Reconciliation and decolonizationary process, I am learning to develop coping skills, mental health tools and mental health care. I know that I need to work on my level of readership in mental health literature. Learning psychodrama, emotional literacy and compassion for others still suffering. Poverty is poor economic resources and accessibility to a home. I know that if I ever die in prison due to homicide, or a lack of psychiatric doctors, I hope that I could get my own inquest and post-mortem investigation by a coroner. I know that I'm schizophrenic and in that people would discriminate and treat with extreme prejudice just because I'm Firat Nation with disabilities. I know that certain people care for me but I know there are racism and prejudicial authorities in society that needs to be addressed. 

Poverty is where your hometown resources and infrastructure needs an serious updates and a good sizeable upgrades. I know that I've been with Eskasoni since I was a baby. And in that I have good connections with Eskasoni. But I don't know if Chief or Dr. Leroy Denny would want to build a group home like Mawita'mk Society. They've made great strides in the disability world and Eskasoni have made great strides in updating and upgrading their infrastructure. I know that Billie Jean told me that they have the buildings and resources in place for their people. And in that I know that a native group home is a stigma-free, age-appropriate, residential living facility where a small number of Indigenous people needs supervision, care or support for the elderly or with people with mental health concerns. 

But I know that I could take good care of myself. Eskasoni has all this resources and infrastructure that I could live in Eskasoni now with a new approach. I remember when I used to have a place of my own in Sydney. People ripped me off and without mercy, took my check. I couldn't eat properly and everyone there was a racists. I had to move back home because everyone there was trying to scheme off of me. This was when there was no Covid-19 pandemic or inflation. I remember when people would rip me off and take my money, groceries and stuff. I know that I was taught well but I couldn't really control my environment... until I'd moved.

That's when I had a good life in Eskasoni. Nobody was scheming off me at the first years of my life. Hometown Eskasoni had potentials and possibilities of being a livable place. And nobody was knocking down my door. Not until I'd re-introduced the assholes back to the mix. I had people coming at me and I was being oppressed, manipulated, financially abused, mistreated and taken advantage of when I'd re-introduced the assholes to the mix. I couldn't really live in that old apartment because I was being targeted and focused on because I am single, without security system and safety culture. I couldn't improve or invest into my place because everyone kept on knocking my door down. 

If I would've invested into that apartment/bachelor pad behind 74th street, in Horseshoe Drive I would've had a rebuilt home with a Generac, Heat pump, Fiber opt, homephone, cable and Communication bundle with Eskasoni Communication company. I hope that I could get a good momentum going again. I know that I have a good thing going with certain people in East Hants Community Learning Association. And in that I have good connections and communication with Elder Thomas Christmas. If I would've invested into that kind of land, with my landlord's permission. I would've had a small garage with a stackable washer and dryer, a dart board and a enough space for a punching bag and a speed bag, a home gym. 

I would've had either a garden bed or big enough shed, organized and neat, to hold all my tools and cleaning supplies inside. I know that I would've had an expansion outward and sideward where I had a bigger bathroom and kitchen. Still be an open concept but an extra bedroom on top. I know that I could've had a few side business if the BA degree didn't work out. I know that I wanted a few businesses in We'koqma'q community where I had JPL Syliboy's Landscaping and General Contracting, Cleaning N' Laboring Services and Beadwork inventory. I know that there is space for a patio or porch. 

I've been alone since I was young. Nobody shown me true love from the heart to enhance the wholeness I've cultivated over the years I've been in Eskasoni. A lot of women seem to think that sex buys them accessibility to my world and in that I should respect when a woman gives up her body. Why? Because I fucked her; somehow you think that buys you into my world? No it doesn't. Sex isn't a gateway to another person's world. And forcing your beliefs and values as an addict has a superficial chokehold on me because loneliness has been my friend and reminder that women will use ya... or me. I know that I have been used and manipulated in ways where a woman forces her way into my electronics and stuff, to sell and get drugs for. This was Audrey who I don't know that well. Socially she has connections to work but it's precarious and vicarious where I see she doesn't want to change her manipulative ways. 

I have a professional foundation, of self-efficacy, of self-esteem, taking great authentic pride in my job, getting job satisfaction and having a sense of purpose. I have an economic awareness and awareness of the job market. I have known sense of contributing as a team member and a sense of fulfillment in a daily job. I know personal foundation like love, a sense of well-being, my wholeness in my life I've cultivated, my self-efficacy in my knowledge, coping skills and everything I need to live on my own terms. 

Like patience for the answers and temperance and prudence to determine liars and fiends and addicts. I have that kind of wisdom and experience where people taken advantage of me in a vulnerable state. I hate these experiences but it isn't any excuses to give up fourteen years of sobriety and recovery work. I know self love and self respect. I know my mindfulness in self care and a vocabulary of science, mental health tools and literature, terminology of trades and selfness. I know how to be self-reliant and a good worker. My stepfamily have taught me well. I have a conscience and mind of individualistic independence. Self-sufficiency has been something of my own authentic pride.

Eskasoni Rehab, Eskasoni church, Eskasoni school system and Eskasoni family, with the step family have well taught me how to rehash my upheavals and regain my focus in life. I know cultural practices and customs and protocols of the sweat lodge. I just need my mind back on focused trustful, truthfulness. Mostly because I know that I need the Gladue factors and principles in my own case. I know I am under threat and I have personal knowledge. I know self trust and I know that I could control myself through many ways. I know that is my fundamentals and foundation of my selfness in my knowledge. I know that people have been manipulating me into a criminal sufferings because Dodo has been pettily selfish. 

There is hyperagency and hypoagency which I'd struggled with all my life. I was a child addict that didn't know about Dr. John Gottman and others. I knew about Dr. Sigmund Freud and Dr. Carl Gustav Jung. I knew about Dr. Philip Zimbardo through Discovering Psychology TV show. And I knew a few doctors that have been influential in my growing up. Through my biological mother I'd learnt agency, self-efficacy and personal leadership when I could live under my biological parents' reign. I knew self-esteem and I knew my own personal powers, reasons and worth. I knew sense of purpose and Growth Mindset in my youth. I knew strength-based living and resourceful beliefs and useful suggestions. My real parents had worked hard on my upbringing and gotten me introduced to the family. I know strong-minded, mindful confidence and a good ego on my head. 

The psycho-economical growth mindset I had to have when I was young, was in the Colonial justice and beauty of life because I couldn't take pride in my own body, skin tone or possibilities in a class warfare of the riches against the middle class and poor. I had to learn my disadvantages in a child's mind because I was learning that addicts have moderation but unhealed kind of life. Learning that I've been abused by a family that wanted me silent and biased to their Solipsism and Egocentricism. I learnt about their crimes because I'd experienced those types of biased abuses and psychology of human relationships. I had to carry the psychiatric weight of their messes and generational stereotypes that they wanted to say. 

What is the neural basis of evil since we have to be "evil" smart people. Does knowledge determine the emotional, imagined reality? Is visualizations a therapy? Do we learn how to deal with ourselves through the epinioa of our own Multiverse? Learning emotions are the neural basis but not determinants of beliefs. I know that a nature, origin and psycho-bio-societal reality have determined a professional liars' power if unchallenged. We don't check the validity, nature and overall quality of accusations because the conviction versus truthfulness has to be activated by memory. A misrepresentation could lead to a degree of lies that turned truthful in this society. 

I know the simple psychology of fitness and actions, that ever-satisfying feeling of accomplishing my goals of fitness and completing the workout. That feeling of accomplishment and gratification have granted me to get into fitness. It depends on how you "get into" the activity. Like Beadwork or other repetitive tasks, it depends on mindfulness techniques and "getting into". Secretly I know that certain people check my sources and how I perceive them. I wouldn't trust them residents or staff because they use their relational influences and persuasions to convince me other wise. I know that trust-builders/trust-earners don't harm or hurt because they feel like being an asshole. Or treat me in a certain way because they can. Pettily they don't want to give up their bigotry or sense of evil and right. I don't know certain people and that's what I don't trust. 

I know that people need controllability, hyperagency over my life because I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. They need to have the options, or opportunities of hyperagency and hypoagency over my life or in what I perceive. I know that women preferred hypoagency/hypogamy versus hyperagency/hypergamy. They want the power to choose freely and easily, without responsibility or consequences. I have female cousins that play the pathetic weakling when it avails them. I'd learnt agency, self-efficacy and self-esteem, personal leadership and wisdom. I know that certain relationships have those who are skilled in manipulations and gaslighting, misinformation and other abuses, have been part of these options in relational influences and persuasions techniques and tactics. 

Rob Shipley was from Boston but he knew how things work around here. I know that I wanted to invest into that place at Horseshoe Drive Apartment 50 because I wanted my own shed, garage, expansions outward and side ways into the bathroom and kitchen. I wanted to make a porch and a good sizeable upgrades to that apartment like a Generac home generator, Eskasoni Communication company bundle, better plumbing from Holmes, and new stuff for the apartment. Hopefully I could be making an essay or some kind of letter to Mike Holmes. If I ever do return to work and get my money saved up. 

Some people are simply petty enough to financially abused and power-trip over certain individuals. They think that I'm some sort of bitch and in that they get to walk all over me. I know that I've been in situations that have petty people who joke at my expense, have a good deal of anger and frustration, have more power in the relationship that they have with me. And I know that Clyde Joseph Paul is one of those petty people. I know that Mawita'mk staff don't want to deal with the psychology of relationships. And Clyde is an addict who loves to prove his points, that kind of power and hegemonic influences he has because I am secretly hated here. The people would be petty enough to prove their points and not get counseled or professional help with their addictions. 

I know there should be Fathers' Supports, Rights and Privileges in the court system. I know that men get vilified in terms of the court, family and social. I know that certain through Sex Therapy there should be Sex Workers' Rights, Health Benefits and Supports. I know that I have been disabled and there should be Inter-Indigenous Disability Supports and Benefits in minimum wage jobs or whatever job you have, if you are disabled. I know that I don't have any respect financially speaking because people would rip me off by having a child involved in their lives. Learning that this is a money grab and I know that I need to be cautious, I hope that I could make room for family. But I need to work on myself by reading all these books I have. 

I know that some women wants total dominance over a native's life. I know that I need to work on myself instead of having a romantic mess on my hands. I know that I don't have any supports in my own life because everyone ditched me and left me in obscurity. I don't have the knowledge of receipts and identifying them. My family haven't been too kind to me. And I know that to this day I still don't know how to use my government's GST program. 

There is two things I want, one being ayahuasca tea in the Peruvian centers in South American regions. And then there are ashwagandha supplements that I could take for fitness reasons. I hope that these two don't get mixed up and I hope that I could get ayahuasca tea and not that other plant. I think there is a risk with both.

Anyways I want to explore possible careers in We'koqma'q community. Have a registered community business and the alloted weeks I am given every time I meet up with a certain kind of hours during the weeks in We'koqma'q community. I hope that I could learn, live and work here when I do get my second transplant kidney. I don't know how much pounds I've lost and I hope that I could develop personal fitness for professional efficiency in landscaping, cleaning and remodeling. I know that I want to have my JP Laboring N' Cleaning Services registered with Nova Scotia. I want to have two businesses as I slowly move away from beadwork and retail. Since that's my only plan to be financially independent. And another registered business called JPL Syliboy's Landscaping and General Contracting business. I want to get copyrights and publications for adult contents. I want to have a good career in my current jobs. I want to have a productive kind of life with Beadwork, Woodworking and Cabinet-making, I want to know leather work and other hobbies I could do for money. 

I know that in We'koqma'q community I want to do the very best in a very general professional way. I know that I have been learning about DBT Skills Training Manual and yeah, I'm not done with retail jobs because I know that I want to learn the books I need to read with checking my self-efficacy. I know that I have been learning that I've been well taught and well instructed in things. Knowing that a community have been wanting to know me. I want a professional schedule in Google Calendar. Somehow orderly and fashionably good way of spending my time on my businesses. I hope that I could live thriving and accomplishing my daily chores with the community as a real job. 

I want to work We'koqma'q community for a little while, plan to transfer or expand into Eskasoni as a professional excellent candidate for their community. And write up a IntraCommunal Business letter to Chief and Council, with online guidance to my online portfolio. Knowing that I want to move back home when I'm thriving and financially independent enough to have money to make more money. I would invest into my own business and quality and standards of counseling the skills needed for money-earning. First they work and see if they enjoy the job. And if they don't I could have a team working Beadwork, Woodworking or Recycling. I know that I have tons of options to have small enterprising young people working the jobs that they could learn to take pride in. 

Their community I think would want them to work small jobs as recycling in the communities. And learning that we all need to be trust-builders/trust-earners I have dark places in my own life. I want to show integrity and strength in terms of leadership and moral bravery. I want to show that I can do what is necessary for certain redemption and comeback in the community.

I have to figure out how to identify certain skills set in the group. See who is willing to take control and leadership roles. And who have been untaught these skills. I have to have a Teacher's/Instructor's perspective on groups. I want to make a Youth Team of recycling laborers and cleaners. And/or some kind of team to start what I've learned. 

Anyways learning about situational morality, situational forces and being "evil" smart. I know that Dodo was my adult step uncle who forced his beliefs and values in my childhood mind. Throughout my life I couldn't really find my own Beliefs, Benefits and Values without being dependent. I was so abused in so many ways in my childhood that I had to learn "coping", "dealing with" and "getting into". I know that my biological mother wasn't an honorable woman because of these situational forces and trying to understand her situational morality issues was extremely difficult. She wasn't honest about her cover-up or having issues in the family. The Indigenous adults in my life were questionable.

I know that since colonization there have been policies and legislations, proclamation, programs and schools that have impacted the Indigenous population in years to come. I know that my biological mother needed couples therapy and personal counseling. And Dodo needed to sober up and get his act together in his adulthood. I know that I was experimenting with drugs and alcohol since I was a child. That was the new idea with addictions. That's how most of these addicts would suckered ya into addictions. I know that my biological mother wasn't innocent in her teen years and I know that I wanted to know her story with Indian Day School. My grandparents suffered greatly in Shubenacadie Indian Residential School. 

Most natives suffer from false pride, hubris and hyper-independence. I know from a narcissistic personality tendencies they wanted the perfect Religious Trauma Syndrome upbringing and other forms of trauma they needed to force into the child's life because Dodo was a moral coward since day one. I know that he wasn't a warrior I would've wanted him to be. Not cheating or having any problems with relationships. Toxic mainstream culture is always overpathologizing or oversimplified the Indigenous experience. And healing and recovering in a toxic culture has been something of an interesting journey. 

Now? When I think of it? I feel now that Dodo needed EDMR sessions and Time Perspective Therapy. And he needed Neurolinguistic Programming and Dialectal Behavioral Therapy training. I know that he has come far in his morally cowardly ways. And every addict was a moral coward who worked shady and shadowy styles. Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy and Internal Family Systems therapy needed. I know that I said that the mainstream culture has overpathologized the Indigenous experience but too, they could use Indigenous cultural therapy, Indigenous Humanities and other forms of culture-based therapies into a more of Two-Eye Seeing philosophy. There is also culturally-sensitive therapy or therapies. I think. 

The last is Trauma-Informed Therapy... and grief counseling. Anyways I hope that I'm liked because I have strong self-efficacy, strong personal leadership, strong personal powers and good relational persuasions and influences. I hope that I have built trust to lose the weight and restrict my fluids. I hope that I have a strong workethic and a good physical adjustment to work full-time. I know that my old apartment is burnt down and all the places I've lived before is getting burnt down. Leonard Paul's apartment building was tore down due to structural issues. My old apartment I was going to invest in, somebody burnt it down. 

I know that there is Integrative Recovery and Wellness services. I know that Lloyd Gould is well educated, well trained and 25-year veteran of traditional counseling and life coaching. I know that he is an icon in ways and so is my stepfather. Lloyd and William senior has both been a 25-year veterans in their own ways. I want my stepfather to show his credentials and rèsumè and portfolio. I want to look up to him. I want to see my stepfather's hard work and accomplishments that might inspire me to go for my BA degree when I get my fitness. 

I know there is forgiveness, healing and the "right" thinking. I believe that my stepfather didn't want me to re-interpret or fully appreciate my past in its truest terms of full realization, fruition and examination. I know that he wanted me to use Dialectal Behavioral Therapy skills, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills, Neurolinguistic Programming skills and other skills I've learnt from a registered therapist. I know that I needed to use these coping skills and understand more fully the social, neurobiological, physical and emotional process I've lived with, with him. I know that I wanted Internal Family System Theory and my Devotibio (phenomenological system of Relational Managerial ego-state). I try to make most of my relationships work by being truthful but it seems that it's more torturous because of serious doubt. 

I couldn't really invest into my own place because I did not have an iPhone, cell phone or smartphone in my days living in Eskasoni. I was a player without technology like that. Women wondered about me and found out I was a player. I did not have any relationship books or any books to improve on my maleness. I didn't discriminated because everyone was beautiful in their own ways. I know that I had to move because there was no Eskasoni Communication company or any transit service or anything like that. I know that now I have the credentials to work. And now I have online accounts I could use in Eskasoni. Learning that I have way more connections now from Eskasoni, Chapel Island, Paq'tnkek, We'koqma'q and other First Nation communities. 

Learning to humble myself to love, forgive [already accepted], heal from all sorts of trauma, addiction, grief and generational stereotypes. I know that I've been trying to write in love and care for where I'm at. From where I was at in Indigenous hometown. From where I used to walk a lot. That's the kind of independence I wanted in my life. But as I become more educated, got my college trade and Beginner's license from Waycobah Essential Skills Enhancement program, and Unama'ki Driving School Certificate. I had a lot of good life changes. Damn straight I like the life I live because I became educated and I know that my life is full and enrichen. I could appreciate my past more fully, yeah but I know that I need to work on my fluids. Try to get down to 109.7 kg. 

I know that most of my old influences and beliefs, values and benefits from the Morrison family have been greatly appreciated, knowing that they are coming from love and a twisted sense of mutual, toxic respect. I know that Dodo hasn't forgiven and he has forced my forgiveness for him. Jealousy, envy and anger he is coming from. How I lived my life and how I gotten so much from life. I know that he is coming from hatred and selfish pettiness in the most extreme prejudice way. I was taught of hyperagency and hypoagency when Dodo have taught me hyper-individualisitic hyper-independent lifestyle. Dodo and Billy Aquan didn't want me to thrive or become successful in anything.