Self Development, A Family, A Brotherhood and a Direction in Leadership

I've worked on myself alone, I'd carved my own path. The strongest may have self-trust but his sense of purpose isn't increased, it's a single purpose that he needs to be build on. Mental Health of the Brotherhood is important, knowing what kind of position you'll be in and the direction you want to go. With a family you could work harder, become stronger, go further and read much more than you'll ever have. With a single relationship you can have a increased sense of purpose; imagine what a Brotherhood and Family can do for yourself when you have personal experience in independence like that kind of beliefs and values? Learning that kind of strength, that value and that potent increased sense of purpose, you could build your muscles together, spar and work on punches and forms. Learn together and have a good extensive knowledge systems in which you could have Two-Eye Seeing philosophy worked into the mental health of the family. 

We can come to terms with ourselves quicker, have a better collective wisdom and wise practices, intellectual protocols and other safety measures in place like AA and NA, similar to those traditions and steps but we could refine our teachings, authority and physical prowess. Having a Brotherhood means looking out for each other and learn to do our parts in the battle against certain "obstacles", "enemies" or "threats" to our own peace. We define these social, personal and economic constructs where we practice our "collective wisdom" with Familial Hegemony and Positive Relational Influences and Persuasions, Useful Suggestions and Resourceful Beliefs. Through Growth Mindset, the Seven Sacred Teachings philosophy and the Strength-Based Living, we learn to become faithful and have a bond, collective and multiversal bond of Brotherhood and deep, personal connection and family trust in Mental Health Skills. We are warriors for our ladies, we are protectors of our children and we are healers when wounded. We have to have a good idea of a type of strength-based living, Growth Mindset and the Seven Sacred Teachings philosophy incorporated into our Cultural Brotherhood. 

I am growing in We'koqma'q community but I have no family here. So, Carol says. I know that I've been wanting to do Anger Management and Conflict Resolution training, SMART Recovery Facilitator training, Mental Health First Aid First Nation training, Non-violent Crisis Intervention training and Medication Awareness training. Being emotionally exposed and controlled has affected my self-efficacy in my independence. 

Learning that people don't want me to outwork myself every day, have emotional intelligence and speak out of truths that means truth. People don't let truth settle because they are always trying to outsmart it and control the interpretation of emotional impacts. I've been a sick kid stuck in a house that has been something of a maddening effect. My stepfather loves me and I wanted to outgrow him. He was my role model in working hard, having physical fitness and efficiency, having physical strengths and moral discipline. 

But not everyone is strong enough to emotionally regulate aphrodisiacs, drug-related sexual enhancers (arousal state), and using logical fallacies in their work to convince me that I am a terrible person. No, I haven't perfected myself but I am at a stage of progress where I need to get a few more training. Being emotionally exposed have been their involvement in my life where they wanted justifications based on Freudian rationalizations. I know that people aren't deontologists or alethiologists but want to hold a native down. Sexuality is a tough subject and knowing that people have been moral cowards for the longest time in my life. Hometown hell didn't want me to be safe, protected and well taught. 

Spiritual abuse to truth is abusing beliefs, norms, customs and values with discovering truth to abuses for a child or children. I've been introduced to the harsh reality of young adults' burdens, sexuality, struggles with addictions, grief and cultural anger. The ideas and intergenerational legacy of Indian Residential School, the collective hegemony that promotes spiritual abuse in ageism, family and communal experience. Have brought me here because I couldn't live a "normal" lifestyle in Eskasoni. And the types of abuse and discrimination have promoted the ideas of domestic violence as a means of working angles instead of beating misandry and misogyny. We'd evolved into a hateful global economy where the best doesn't have empathy, have sociopathy as a strategy and don't want to acknowledge the racism and systematic pattern of deviating discrimination that Indigenous people have to face. Learning to define my role in the theory of multiple intelligence in social psychological context, have fascinated me since I was a little child. 

We are learning to be trauma-sensitive with the intersectionality, interconnectivity and context of multi-cultural competencies that could provide similar information on philosophy of Indigenous communities. And in that I know that healing practices, traditional protocols, cultural norms and customs have centered me in many times before. And so have religious beliefs and values. Epistemologically they are supposed to have family belief systems (principles, tenets, protocols, customs, respect, beliefs, standards, tradition, values, merits and virtues of relatives and meanings in suffering). I had to explain my financial situations and have been duped and manipulated in many ways where spiritual abuse control have been not wanting me to heal, be on my recovery model journey and ideally live in peace with sobriety.

I know that I have been learning about the whole belief system in terms of Indigenous context in family philosophy. I know that is what they supposed to be forcing down my gullet and worked on me since I was a child-active. I am an Indigenous descent and I hope for the best. I couldn't really wait for certain redemption because I have to forgive myself. My family belief system have been a learning curve. But I know that I needed to heal from old wounds and hurts that I'd opened up. I have been carrying the weight of the family's struggles on my mind. Knowing that I need to be my first-born, baby sister's rock. I know that healing have came a long way, and in that I could learn to work within my realm of possibilities. 

I know that my half-blooded sister is telling me that I don't need a car or truck. That kind of control and manipulation on power of knowledge and belief is spiritual abuse as well intellectual abuse. Mawita'mk Society has a habit of doing that and trying to convince me that I cannot make the real world today. And in that I need to work harder or longer, through baby steps, on my sobriety and personal constructive development. Because I trust to a degree, doesn't mean that they can relationally influence and convince me in any fashion or way. They play dumb with me and act as if I don't have influence and power. Self-trust is a way to go if I don't have anyone I could completely trust. I have been doing mental health skills, learning about tools and technology, to have a better understanding of my smartphone. 

But I could say things differently, like I seen the value, usefulness and importance of a vehicle. And I want to be more independent and skilled in driving. And hopefully, I can drive myself places without people bumming me rides and shit. But it's way too dangerous these days to be alone, that I'll need to drive with someone. I know that people want to harm for money, have my place and have things I'd worked for, for free. I know that Albert knockwood doesn't believe in my sister, he has grown to be a threat to me, have wanted my family's house and beaten me up before. And knowing that I am hated when I tell truths, I know that the Knockwoods have been a nuisance since day one. 

I am happy here and I don't have any bullies or anything here. I want to say good things about Eskasoni but Dodo is in my head when it comes to control and manipulation. I know psychological warfare tactics since I was a child. And I have been wanting to move out of Mawita'mk Society when I outgrow Mawita'mkSociety: that being getting fit, University educated, trained by We'koqma'q Mental Health and Addiction services, by Canadian Mental Health Association, by Livingworks and We'koqma'q Band Office. I hope that I could get a lot of training and Certifications from We'koqma'q Band Office, from Thrive, from We'koqma'q Mental Health and Addiction services, from Livingworks and Canadian Mental Health Association. I hope for a thriving understanding and a productive lifestyle where work is from my future BA degree, from my up-and-coming training, and hopefully, from cybersecurity measures I can do. 

I know that I have everything I need at Mawita'mk Society. Hometown home hasn't been an ideal home unless I could customize, build and add stuff to it. I want to build a small garage, under ground hidden basement, shed and the size of a ideal small house to fit a tub, hot water tank, Spacemaker Washer and Dryer, bathroom toilet and sink, and a medicine cabinet. I want to purchase that piece of land behind 74th street, hoping to have a good investments placed there like security measures, cybersecurity training, safety practices, protocols and procedures. I hope that I could have an organized and neat shed with one ventilation system for skilled tradesman's essential modern tools, beadwork inventory, equipments, gears, and PPE supplies and cleaning tools and supplies.

I want to use my hidden, underground basement with a ramp-like entrance, wide enough to put one of those lawn mower in there and with a good set of tools to have in the back of my truck, with ventilation system and three Heat Pumps for the basement, garage and small house. It'll have a steps and an entrance. Hopefully, I can build a homey place for myself. So, that means I have reasons to move back and build a home. I feel that I could get enrichen in ways where I could work anywhere. I know that I could build a home like that theoretically. I can imagine a good home, I just gotta put it on blueprints.

No woman is looking for me. Might as well enjoy my own money (If I ever get that far). I know that I'm not liked for my body. In that I'm just this sick kid who haven't enjoyed his own money. But Mark Carney might be able to solve some problems, considering his valuable business expertise and cabinet. I hope that I could enjoy my own life, with my own truck, registered, Red Seal Certified and licensed, permitted local small business. Whatever it might be. I know that I could have a BA degree and a job placement after it. There is so many goals I got that I hope to finish in We'koqma'q community, to return to Eskasoni with reputable service, professional portfolio and a business portfolio, and a viable investment portfolio. 

Anyways, Eskasoni Chief and Council are doing pretty good. They build a infrastructure in Eskasoni physically, online and within the next five years, to bring new things into the community. I believe in Chief Leroy Denny and Council, who have pulled us out of financial debt through good financial management, have made a business profile and portfolio, have transparency and infrastructural development in the community. Have a good conversation with other communities, have a team-players' attributes, experience and education. I hope for many good things in Eskasoni and I hope for Mawita'mk Society to expand into it. That's been a dream situational paradise I want to live with. 

I won't be a perfect, or ideal candidate for Council because I haven't written my autobiography, my own psychopharmacology report and critique of my own autobiography. I hope that everyone have a good understanding of drugs and their misuses to demonize someone in name of vengeance, through drug-related sexual enhancers and drug-related psychosis. I know that I've taken the full brunt of my abusers and couldn't really defend myself because of discriminatory agnotological hegemony. I know that I've been abused but Eskasoni couldn't really use their defenses because of sexual desire. I had to deal with a bunch of kids who wanted me to wait until my abusers can think of it. I am something of an alethiological epistemologist who have knowledge of psychological history, experience in psychological warfare operations and abuses that I had to deal with. 

I knew that moving had to be my full commitment until I can get my story published and worked on. Through therapy and Psychiatry, I was kind of hoping to smash their ideas of vindications and exonerations because they'd introduced me to heavy, harsh and dark realities I shouldn't of been in. I shouldn't of been in those adult situations that my step family put me in, forced their beliefs on me and worsen my life. Hometown 74th street blue house that burnt down was the beginning of my past. They'd put it on me because I was younger and more affable. I didn't have any real choices and I should've moved out of Eskasoni when my abusers manipulated, drugged and forced their ways sneakily into my life. I had to deal with the aftermath, their responsibilities, my choices and drug-related crimes. 

Dodo have been trying to hold me down, which through the Morrison family discriminatory agnotological hegemony, he has been. I hope that I could find myself in all this mess and work on myself. Nobody wanted me to succeed, or thrive in Eskasoni ideally. I don't think Eskasoni is a restful place but it's my hometown. Well, all the bad eggs that want to be wilfully ignorant and hateful. I know that I've been suffering those that have been mistreating me all those years. And Those Who Must Be Discriminatory have been something of a demonized social construct that I have to deal with. It's kind of sticky, addictive and tempting to fight with someone that want to only argue and fight. I should write a psychopharmacology history criticism of Eskasoni because nobody is willing to confess their issues. 

I know that I haven't been able to go to Universities when I was younger because paid education isn't something that will finalize your knowledge, it only shows what Depths and Ranges of human knowledge is out here. I know this because I've studied listings of colleges, academies, universities and schools. My Eskasoni has been discriminatory in ways where I need to make a critiques of educationism, disablism, classism, sexism, ageism and colorism in racism that is in Eskasoni. Learning to develop skills and work in settings has been a given. And those establishment has to be well respected in freedoms and Treaties where we have to allow certain people to work, if willing to learn, do and experience. 

I know that I haven't developed far enough to have certain training in my life because I've been through hell and beatdowns where people wanted me to not figure out my own past. I know that "free" thinking wasn't invented, it was natural but how to think and manage emotions has been a given. We've been learning to develop our civilized, Colonial minds through reading and writing that we've forgotten to think like an L'nu. I hope that I have my language when I do get older. 

If you think you have to follow something like a religion, than you are smarter than the average person. But I've been learning psychological insights into scientists and philosophers alike. I hope that I could write something of my hometown in Eskasoni that I have a positive impact on life, stop them from misusing drugs and abusing. That's the intergenerational trauma that they are responding from but it's no excuse not to develop yourself. I've faced my demons and crimes by retrospective analysis of my past. I've been wanting to work within my realm of possibilities where I could have strong convictions of self-control, the ability to run my own mind, work my own mental faculties in a positive, self constructive development kind of way. 

I've was given to a bunch of uneducated people who discriminate and manipulate language that have been perpetuated by intergenerational legacy. They say "toxic masculinity" but there are moral cowards who have hidden their misogyny, their sexistic practices and bigoted treatments, their phobic behaviors under the guise of masculinity that women don't know. They haven't been in any masculine traditional situations, or had any rituals that assert them as a man. Those that are deluded that they know these rituals have been exposed and controlled. My step uncle is one of those discriminatory social construct person who have been misguided and mistreated. I've been reading books that my step uncle has been teaching in ways. The idea that healthy men are toxic is a myth, a social construct and stereotype of where generalization has been a given to women. Some educated women knows that I am happy, strong and powerful in ways of healing, defending and protecting. But I cannot fight an army, and in that I need to strategized ways to use social strategies and social psychology to my defense, social verbal Judo and other strengths that I have. The idea that healthy men don't read is a myth, a white lie to compensate for the dysregulated minds of women. Mental health is stigmatized, or not even thought of for men. Women think they could solve anything and have this prepared creative plan to approach. There's a excluded mental health ignorance women have for men. And in that I don't think mental health is an egalitarian perspective because women don't know how to approach men with mental illness. They have this bigoted outlook where narrow-mindedness is their limited scope of their focused trauma. A small-minded view on their pains and anguishes. No man  understands a woman completely, they have theories and tests but that's a narrow scope of reality for people that haven't gotten over their trauma. I am not saying that people that did get over their traumas has a narrow scope of reality, but I am also saying data baseline fallacy could play an effect. 

I have to self-serve because nobody wants me to trust myself. And they don't want me to work on myself by myself because they want to claim that community is a better view than views of myself. I know that I've been learning that old people cannot keep up with the keener minds of my generation. Fools of today think that there will be prosperity of First Nation communities. And in that we could develop and grow. I am community-oriented but I say that I've been suffering because Eskasoni community think that they could prove that community is good. Nobody has done anything for me when I was living by myself. And I know that people talk in chat rooms and have talk about their confirmation bias. If you have the intent to prove me wrong than that's what you'll carefully do. 

I don't chase because women who want equality, no responsibility, no consequences, independence, self-efficacy and empowerment. Those few good quality ladies haven't figured out to show respect to men or honor what these ladies have to offer. I don't want a woman that cannot cook, clean or have intercource. It isn't about power but rather about respect. If they think these masculine qualities will make them attractive than they are sorely mistaken. Men have respected their wishes and have standards where I feel it's appropriate to say that a quality woman isn't available anymore. 

Healthy men have respected and honored their deontologies: moral principles and moral philosophy of obligations, duties, responsibilities and commitments. Plus the moral philosophy of consequences or actions based on the rightness or wrongness of universal rules and multiversal principles. A relationship is a give and take, not focused on Feminism Thinking. Some how we have to reconcile the collective wisdom of those differences between universal rules and multiversal principles. That's been my work anyways. 

In my self development journey, I've been learning to run my own brain, manage my own mental faculties, know the boundaries of my self-efficacy. What I should've learned back when I wad a child: the fundamentals of independence and self-trust, have alluded me for so long. Whats real these days? No woman would love me because I am not that attractive in desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services that would normally attract a woman. I am nothing to this world and have been learning to enjoy my own money. People only uses me for my money and aren't real to me. So, I have to deal with people that haven't been kind enough to be real. 

Civilized mind don't have to be Colonial. And learning that I hadn't thought process that would probably wreck the communal infrastructure and economy. I know that I haven't been able to work in Eskasoni because of my past. I hadn't went through any system because I don't have my biological mother's support, or had any support in that matter. I know that I had to move to get education and even that is iffy because I don't have any real employment in We'koqma'q community. Learning that I've been introduced to a corruptive world with Dodo. I know that I'll need to work on myself legally, philosophically, psychologically, holistically. 

I am at a stage in my self development, with my family, with my cultural Brotherhood, and in my direction in leadership where I could work anywhere I want, if I keep working on myself. Mawita'mk Society's generosity only goes so far when it comes to me that I have to deal with older people all the time. I don't doubt myself in self development, perhaps I should but I know that with Certainty, Security and Safety comes the hierarchy of needs that are met. I know that Mawita'mk Society has met my superficial needs and basic needs, than my communication needs and intellectual needs. That I hope to outgrow Mawita'mk Society in name of my own health-oriented, personal constructive development. The right way of doing things is meeting my needs for independent living, which in my case I'll need my own place, my own job, my own truck and my self-trust. Relational influences and persuasions affects my beliefs because I haven't put up my defenses like I should with family. They love to control and manipulate. Family is run by dictatorship, not a collective wisdom in personal development, economic independence and intelligence, and personal leadership. They love it when I don't have any control, only enough to shut me up. 

People come from a position or perception or attitude of privileged advantage, don't think that they should be feeling compassionate about another person's suffering. Those that have been investing, have a privileged position where a disabled person who has a step family who wants to run their lives, have it to be worst than most. The perspective that I was always rich isn't true, I started from a Indigenous mixed family who didn't want me to outgrow them too fast because of personal development, economic independence and intelligence, because of adulthood has those perks and self safety protective practices where they don't welcome addicts into their homes. I was raised with a "Working Class Parents" who hadn't spoiled me but taught me knowledge, life skills, trade skills and mental health skills. I felt privileged to be honored and well respected by these people, who have given me the gifts of upbringing, the latest technology and fashion, the latest recipes and sanctuary in their home. I know that I had the best of care but I didn't really outgrown my "parents", my "step-parents" or bloodline family's expectations because I couldn't save up for a car or truck.

I am so lucky to be with family's collective wisdom of personal constructive development through baby steps, that I hope that I do build a really good, working class kind of life at Mawita'mk Society. I am hoping to have a good job at We'koqma'q Band Office with my skills set. I hope to have the best communal experience in professional development, skills set and training. I want to learn much as I can because I got a foundation despite the bad memories in Eskasoni. I hope to have made milestone progress in my life where I have my own fitness, accomplished my goals of walking and exercising, work on my own body in We'koqma'q community and Eskasoni. Have a great start to my days here where I do beadwork in the evening, pop bottles during the day and have my training somewhere during the weekly evenings. That's doing beadwork after I'm done with what training I have during the evening. 

I know that in my former life I haven't accomplished much when I was living in Eskasoni but if I was still living in Eskasoni, with the current infrastructure, economy and wherewithal. I'd would've had a good life ideally in that apartment behind 74th street. My stepfather hasn't believed in me when it came to driving, and Curly (stepmother) hasn't taken the time because of her anxiety. I've been labeled the lame black sheep of the family, treated as such and have to be regarded as the weak, disabled one. I've been wanting to be exercising in my own capacity because my family hasn't seen me in my physical capacity. 

But as I thought of this, I know that now if I could get my fitness goal for my transplant kidney operation. I hope that I build a  "Working Class" kind of lifestyle in We'koqma'q community where I can go to CERN in Switzerland, TRIUMF in British Columbia, Vancouver and Canadian Space Agency. I would have my lifestyle into an economic independent way where I could have experience, knowledge and wherewithal (means and awareness, money and skills) to travel those distances alone. My family wants me to admit that I wouldn't be able to because I am an stereotypical man. Which prejudice and biased outlooks have been forced onto men through my aunt and female sides of my family. They put the fears into me and want me to say, through gratitude and deep appreciation for them, that I'd would be lost. A man is looked at like we don't have intelligence, resources, means, bravery and skills repertoire. Navigating a city and eating their food, isn't what I want on a hot day. Traveling, exercising, writing creatively, doing what I can to build my areas of self development. I don't kill, I don't prove these people my knowledge, coping skills and everything I have. They force it out of me because they need to expose personal truths. They think that social psychology is used for their sense of truth, which is a prejudicial authoritative force of being nosy. They value nosiness because they think that they can control men's strengths, attract through masculine qualities, have everything that they need for survival in this globalized environment, of a narrow scope of reality where resources and wherewithal is for the rich. And depending on what you mean by rich, you could have an socioeconomic, working class kind of lifestyle where positive things in your life can contribute in the most deepest realities of appreciation, love and loyalty. 

The wisdom in that is to work on myself continously. To have expanded my mind in gardening, books, recipes, exercise, sexuality, struggles with addictions, grief and pain. The theory of multiple intelligence suggest that everyone has some kind of knowledge systems in their lives, to live off-grid or through farming, or sustenance living or working class. All of which means work in some form or fashion. To live, is to thrive. The refined morality and neuroethics of a society can determine who gets to work where because of certain trauma. That has been an argument in society since the exposure of abuses and drug-related crimes of passion have been a learning curve. Anything mind-altering is a drug and that's been a definition that has been defining abuses and crimes since the dawn of time. 

I find that I am being bullied by Sheila's family. I know that they aren't my family and Sheila doesn't respect my needs to visit family. It had to be Connie Peck when I was taken to my grandmother's wake. And it had to be me going to her family's wake because she feels like it. I know that I didn't have any respect from the Gould family; being that I am supposed to take the full brunt of responsibilities from them. I know that I am hated and discriminated because of their ageism, verbal abuse and nosiness. I know that I've been learning that they are getting older and I respect that they need attention. But there have to be a line drawn here, I have respected Lolie Gould because he is a decent man who likes to joke around. Ah! Fuck it.

I am focused on my self constructive development in my own life. I know that Norma doesn't want to help out, Mike MacInnis has grief and me? I still have to take the full brunt of their emotional stupidity and generational stereotypes. They don't know me to my full capacity. And they see trying to force that kind of truth to come out. I've been through addictions, struggled with morality, beliefs and values versus personal standards and principles, boundaries and self constructive development. I know those old school toughness. Ah! I am just frustrated with my Same Page account and my laptop. I hope that I could get certain credits for being polite, respectful and having manners from them. 

Serving a community doesn't mean I have to give up my personal life. Or give up on my personal goals. That I know that much bur having an online journal/blog I could be creative much as I want. I know that I have a good life but that don't mean I always have to serve. At home I can clean and cook but Wayne Francis made a good point: this isn't a normal home due to its regulations, medical issues and other disabilities in a shared environment. So, no. It's not a my real home. I cannot customize it or build on it or work on my home. My bedroom is subject to a rearrangement from staff. And knowing that I could get sick or hurt because of certain psychiatric/physical problems in the home. It's frustrating because they want me to stay insane and facing their disablism. 

I know that certain workers here stultify me by making me sound and look puerile in their views of things. They don't take me seriously because I do what I need to do for survival here. I am told to respect somebody that I don't even know, in order to placate their anger in appeasement efforts. Another words, I am supposed to be a bitch for them! That's why they love me for my weaknesses, vulnerabilities and disabilities. The situational forced that they have over me. Lolie has stayed humble and wants me to stay. Eddie is getting difficult, so are other people (staff and residents alike) and I feel like Roddie wants me to stay. I'll stay until he passes and than I am gone! I hope that I'll have my second transplant kidney operation and recover. People (Eskasoni community members) don't want me to live in peace ideally. I am getting sick and tired of First Nation communities because I don't know what to expect. My experience with my cultural hometown is hell, and my group home experience is enraging. I want to beat all the motherfuckers down because they don't respect me right. 

Ah! I was just angry that Eddie Johnson threw good food away. I was thinking that I'll get my meal, have my medicine and go to bed. I hate the fact that this little guy, who doesn't understand his own actions can have consequences, is consequences-free. I know that I'll need my own place in Eskasoni when I do get my second transplant kidney operation. Of course, with every surgery comes a recovery time and a good Mawita'mk Support from Mawita'mk Society. I know that I need to work on my palate. I know that I don't have any motivation to harm anyone, or let the criminal get away with abusing me. I had to learn my boundaries because I am physically weak in ways where I cannot harm anyone with real strikes. My physical prowess in wrestling/grappling, any boxing or martial arts, has me in a weak, vulnerable and disempowered position, where my stepfather has enjoyed his physical prowess. 

Natives don't care for me because they've wanted me to make mistakes, wrongs and crimes, through drug-related and aphrodisiac crimes of passion. I know that I am hated when I speak truths and philosophy, and alethiology has been an interest of mine. Knowing that I come from a place of love, I feel that people hated me when I was innocent and wanted to ruin my life, through addictions, grief, wrongs, cultural anger, shame identity and family disconnects. I know that I've faced many issues with my people and have been in temporary psychosis before because of certain community members of Eskasoni. I know that my cultural disconnects have me tormented and irate because I had the Mi'kmaq language and culture down. It's just the way they wanted to proceed that pissed me off. Trying to get away with what they thought that they could shape me into: another fucked up child. 

Than again I haven't been the ideal kid to take care of, I wasn't the ideal customer or client or member. Learning my areas of self constructive development, I know that I need to work on my four aspects of being: intellectual/mental, spiritual, physical and emotional. I feel that I have a good life but one bad day can turn things around, make me out to be the bad guy and have me emotionally exposed. I know that I have been wanting to move out for some time. I feel that I haven't gotten my chance at living life ideally sober, in peace and with the latest technology in my own place. Being that I was considered helpless and gullible. I feel that I wasn't living to my fullest potential because everyone else has sex, have vacations, have memories and experiences in life. Me? I am stuck at ground level and cannot have a professional career because I am the disabled sick kid who gets no one on my side. 

But as always I have to regulate my emotions through emotional intelligence and literacy, work on my mindfulness and acceptance, forgiveness and distress tolerance, work on my interpersonal effectiveness and social understanding, and have a damn well good reason to live here. I have to read my thick book of DBT Skills Training Manual, see if that have any advises and have self control and learn my information in hope that I could learn a good reading focus on certain books. But I am reading Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Dr. Gabor Matè, which is a thick book to read, and it'll take a while to read. And I borrowed a book from Cape Breton Regional Library and I know that I'll take good care of the book. It's called The Body Keep Scores: Brain, Mind and Body in The Healing of Trauma by Bessel van Der Kolk, M.D., considering that I am reading two books for healing. I hope that I have the necessary information from these two doctors and understand more deeply but with words. 

Learning how certain workers play favorites. It's alright I'll move out of here one way or another. I am getting tired of their bullshit; they say that they don't do certain things with people and call it a white lie. Like hugging for example, they play ageistic favoritism where they choose elders over a person like me. I cannot enjoy my time because they don't treat me right. I feel that I am gently hated here and in that they don't want to lose their jobs. Might as well recover from mental illness because that's been their excuse for keeping me here. They give hugs to elders and treat me like crap when I'm joking. I am supposed to know their limits when they don't even respect my boundaries? I said "no one in my bedroom" and that's been for my own privacy. These people think that because I am disabled, they get to walk all over me and relationally influence, convince and persuade, dissuade and discourage or deter me from making choices I want to make. I've endured their bullshit for a long time. And I don't have any good reasons to stay in We'koqma'q because women seem to dominate my life. Women cannot leave me well enough alone because they are driving me FUCKING mad. They need me to do stuff on their terms, not MINE!!!!

I don't have any choices here or anywhere in Cape Breton because everyone thinks I am a FUCKING mental invalid and a helpless man. That's what they generationally stereotyped me as, I cannot learn or do stuff on my own, I cannot run my own brain or have self-trust, I cannot do what I need to do, to get my fully licensed driver's license and truck. I know that I am hated and targeted still because I am a man. I've been controlled, manipulated and emotionally exposed. I have to be sensitive with myself under Mawita'mk (Female staff's) influence and persuasions because no man wants me thriving. Nobody wants me escaping because they want me controlled and manipulated and discriminated where I cannot run my own life, control my own destiny, or be brave enough to stand up for my beliefs and values. 

I know that they don't want me to expose the truths of my past because I am damned forever in my mother's eyes, learning what value I am in the First Nation communities. I know that there is educationism and a type of classism. A spiritual abuse about the beliefs in truths and facts of educationism, classism and sexism in the First Nation communities. And about disablism wherever I go. I know that I have a dark past, of drugs, gas, cigarettes and sexuality when I was five years old. And of aphrodisiacs, drug-related psychosis and adults blaming me for their addictions and negligence. Ice been learning traumas since I was a young boy, knowing that the legacy of Indian Residential School legacy has impacted me in several ways. Discriminatory practices from non-natives and natives alike. Nobody wanted me thriving on my own or having the power to run my own life. 

Just a bad day, suffered real pains and shame identity. Cried like a hoe who faked her trauma collecting, I say that I have better integrity. I know my wherewithal isn't enough because I am Indigenous, so Indigenously. I say that I'd stand up for my beliefs and values through agony. Learning to work myself in outworking myself, for self constructive development in my memory. I am turning 40 and my body needs to build muscles through fitness activities. Pain deepen your understanding in ways of social psychology. Pain and shame deepen your thoughts of such real profundity. That your thoughts go into a controlled animality. Or Alexithymic Profundity of Deep Family Epistemological alethiology. I had dreamed my solutions, that's why they deprived me from dreams. I love but I had periods in my life where I had malnourished misery. Where I was skinny and suffering food depression. The peaceful place was my deep sleep in not getting a job because of neighbor's obsession. Control and manipulation has been something of their preference. Learning that they'd defecate in my mouth as they deferenced. 

I know that I've been living in emptiness because they'd deemed it. I had to learn that I've been suffering frustration but not feasting on it. I feel the difference between Mawita'mk Support System and Eskasoni's Bullies and Addicts suffering the difference. My skin has been against me, the way I could live in distance. Mutual limerence is the only way they see that they could have existence. A relationship is boring, a relationship is your home, a relationship is your increased sense of purpose. A relationship has its ups and downs, a relationship isn't reaching perfection but to work through shared hurts. I've been a whole most of my life, kind of going through wet and dry spells. My childhood implagued with memories of intergenerational legacy's hells. 

I know that Billie Jean goes unnoticed eith her successes, her careers, with her relational influences and persuasions. I gotta say that she hasn't no idea that I got no dyslexia because my family could read. And my real father gave me meanings in my family name. I think. I know that she didn't want to go see my real father because he was shallow, abusive and abrasive. Which he'd tried to turn me into that. He never knew where I was with my thinking because he hated my thinking. He didn't want to figure out how I was an adult, doing what I wanted. He couldn't stand that I could live without him, ideally speaking. 

It was him who needed to stop with his patterns, and Billie Jean with her want of me being dyslexic. That's as much as spiritual abuse, as much it is intellectual abuse. I know that I've been taken advantage of the whole family because they are moral cowards, who don't want to acknowledge, admit or accept their consequences of their actions, their relational influences and persuasions, and of their part in the Intergenerational legacy. I am no slouch and I've proven time and again, that I want to have such schooling graduations from community colleges, academies, universities and schools that I could live up to my potential. 

The level of care that my stepfather and biological mother have shown me with genuine love, respect and honor, have brought me back to that warm heavenly home where I could see them as the individuals who brought the level of the bar to an extraordinary level of medical/personal knowledge that I had implicit love, honor and respect from their life experiences in personal, family wisdom. The patterns that my dishonest and dishonorable family had, the legacy and pattern of abuse they've created in family knowledge systems. And the lies and deflections they've done in denialism, educationism, disablism, classism, sexism, ageism, types of abuse and discrimination in psychological warfare tactics context. And a good hateful/pettiful kind of reasons to look at the darkness of the stories. They deny, defend and dispose of evidences. 

Thinking that I have to work on myself through general fitness regimens, walking range and distance, or repeats of walking paths, and a good lifestyle in lifting weights and curling bars. I hope that I could build muscles because I am almost 40 and I am 39 years old. Still struggling with my fitness routine. I don't have my real dad to guide me in punching or using a speed bag. And getting used of work/personal life is getting used of staying busy in my own hometown home-base, where I could put all my things I appreciate and enjoy, and feel safe and happy with what I have. I want my own place and hopefully, I can get a full-time employment (after I lose the weight to get my second transplant kidney operation), to save up to add stuff like security and safety measures and practices behind that 74th street, 50 Horseshoe Drive Apartment and turn it into a happy home. With soundproofing and basement project, small garage project and a shed project. I want to save up to pay for the difference. 

I know that it takes for a regular size house, to pay for one to be build, well that would range from $420.000 to $675.000, which a small house I am thinking of would have amenities, utilities and infrastructure and I'll add the appliances. If I do get that far in my life. I am curious how I would have my own place? Well, with schizophrenic spectrum, maybe I might be able to pull this off. I want soundproofing, flooring, basement, enough room in my bathroom for a tub, washer and drier down stairs, and outside pathway to my basement. Have lighting in every room, have the latest technology for a home, solid infrastructural development, deed to the land and a enough room for an open space. My kitchen would have bigger top front and back cabinetry and shelves, to hooks for my utensils and a fridge which I would buy. I'll say that I could provide the hooks and the window would be at the side. 

I could plan this out with family, to hope for better days alone. I know that I have been wanting to develop a blueprints for a basement and entrance, for a house and closed off bathroom, with open-concept house. A shed project at the side of my driveway, and a small garage at the side of my house. Hopefully, I can steadily lose the weight and work my own plans for a house. I just need a part-time job at We'koqma'q Band Office, doing janitor stuff and getting a few benefits. I got Eskasoni Band benefits, I get Mawita'mk Society benefits, I want to see how I could add certain things to my evening leisure activities like Beadwork and other creative outlets. 

I am at a stage in my progress, recovery and life stage where I am working angles to have better constructive development, more of a personal wisdom in self-trust, fundamentals in life skills and independence, and have a financial independence. Hopefully, I can be humble and respectful without the influence of other people, elders and AA and other groups. I don't want any one to have control, and do manipulation to gain control over my life. I know that relational influences and persuasions techniques,  in psychological warfare operations, have been my issues with authority bias, authority figures and other influential leaders in my life. 

Nobody should assume power over my life. Being that certain people don't believe and teach what I believe in. Neurolinguistic Programming has taught us that we are running our own brain, knowing that Mike MacInnis wanted me to have dyslexia to begin with, I feel that I've been learning to fight my own battles in ageism, family hegemony and relational warfares. 

I am not saying that I don't feel: I got feelings and emotions, it'd just that people tend to manipulate and control. There are types of abuse which are: nutritional abuse-control and manipulation of food and nutrition, according to diet (habitual eating patterns), spiritual abuse-control and manipulation of beliefs and tenets and principles and faiths, and playing on self-trust, intellectual abuse-control and manipulation of knowledge, information and self-trust, emotional abuse-control and manipulation of feelings, sentiency, emotions and playing on self-trust. Just to name a few things and stuff that could affect your relational perspective. 

There is also physical abuse, drug abuse, economic abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse and mental abuse. Mawita'mk Society has offered me a group home experience first time I met up with Carol or Norma. I had been learning to develop skills, personal areas of constructive development, accept myself and trust myself in learning knowledge, science and philosophy. I know that I've been doing pretty good here, having a Mawita'mk routines, having appointments and community activities to do. In We'koqma'q community, I am doing what I always done in Eskasoni- stay busy but with more formal education, training and driving level. 

I have been going out for fifteen years, socializing and doing programs. I know that people don't realize NSCC Community College is a social environment. And going on outings is a social experience. I feel enrichen in ways where my wide range of life experience, formal education, trade college and other educational institutions I have socialized with. Except Unama'ki Driving School because that was full of miscreants. I couldn't eat right because my grandmother was suffering dementia, a girl stolen from me and nobody batted an eye for me. Nobody cared if I had medical issues but the ones that did. I know that I don't like Eskasoni because they always make troubles for dominance. 

But that's why I have a family, and a Brotherhood that could help me in ways. I've been taught the family beliefs, tenets and values. Epistemologically I am fucked but I am learning to unlearn those toxic habits, to food/emotion regulate myself, to have social skills in self-sufficiency, life skills in personal life. And to have a good respectable lifestyle in sobriety and trauma-free lifestyle. I know that I have to get into counseling positions and learn how trauma is impacting other communities, towns and cities. I want to work in certain ways. I have a lot of work to do in hope of gaining something. 

But some achievements and highlights of Eskasoni's success stories are: 1. Eskasoni Chief and Council are getting funding for an expansion to the Eskasoni Community Health Center, which will include Health and Mental Health program for women, Eskasoni Dialysis Unit and Eskasoni X-Ray unit. 2. They have couple of community-operated businesses which are Eskasoni Communications (which employs 4 workers), Eskasoni Security Guards (which launched in 2020, has 60 guards working), Eskasoni Transit Services (which has door-to-door services, fixed routes and far away appointments services), Eskasoni Bus Stations, Eskasoni Fiber Opt for community members, Eskasoni Strip mall with Eskasoni Tim Hortons, Eskasoni Gaming, Eskasoni NSLC, Canada Post and new Eskasoni Dollaramara. They also have Eskasoni Cold Logistics which is called Eskasoni Livestar in Sydney.

3. Eskasoni Cultural Journeys have been granted $500,000 from Tourism Relief Funds. 4. Eskasoni Kiknu is a long-term care facility that opened up in April 2024. 5. Eskasoni Kji-Wikuom Language Studio (which employs 5 full-time staff). 6. New branding, new website and new Facebook page. 7. New building for Eskasoni Fitness Center and Eskasoni Wellness Studio. 8. New subdivision and houses. 9. New High School and Headstart. 10. Eskasoni Corporate Division was launched in 2012 and had this much to do. Addition to Reserve Land, which is called Dr. Virick's Land at Beneacadie. Which is a 200 acre of Band land. 11. Eskasoni Renewables company which has partnered up with Department of Environment to reduce coal-fuelled power. 12. Another successful year with "Our Eskasoni Christmas Gala". 13. Mi'kmaq Cranes in Sydport which employs one native worker. 14. Lift at Eskasoni rink. 15. Digital marketing sign at entrance of Eskasoni Foodland. 

It has been fifteen years since I'd moved from Eskasoni. I have been working on myself with Norma and therapy. I have been in therapy with Andrea Currie for 4 years. And I've been trying to focus in the moment. My hometown is getting better, my storied addiction career have been something of a fuckery that I couldn't believe. My hometown is becoming sustainably self-reliant in terms of community infrastructure, services and supports. And expansions and growing and thriving. 

I'd lived in We'koqma'q community for 15 years and learned that they don't respect my sense of family. I don't believe that somebody can adopt me because I have no real family bloodline. It seems that Gould, Poulette and Sylliboy, Cremo and other dominant families in my life wants me stuck in my own life. I have a large family bloodline. I have aunts, uncles and cousins. I know that people can kill my parents off to prove a point. Mi'kmaq intergenerational legacy is so fucked up I bet anything they wished ill will against me. Clyde only got to me so that he could financially abuse me, physically intimidate me and defend, dispose and deny for his greedy little fiendish addict's ego.

I know that Mawita'mk Society condones Clyde's actions and ways because they are moral cowards. They want me to stand up for my self when it means to risk my physical body. Mawita'mk Society don't want me to build in vengeance because they didn't want me to exercise with anger. I know that Clyde us a coward if I did exercised. I'd lived here for fifteen years and have faced people with emotional problems, behavioral issues and psychological issues. Ageistically influencing through relational powers to give up on my dream of having my own house or apartment in Eskasoni. I know that Eskasoni could help out with certain things. 

Norma expects me to grow up because she is Mawita'mk President. And We'koqma'q Addiction and Community worker. I know that I didn't have any ways to escape their influences and persuasions. They kept at me until I had to accept the dilemmas of moving into a hateful community, or staying at We'koqma'q community where I know that I'm loved, kind of. 

Like I said, "it's been fifteen years" away from Eskasoni and Eskasoni looks like it's changing in ways. But people are getting bad at hometown homes I know was a good place one time ago. But I feel something is going to happen because my Chief and Council are community-minded, family-mentality/family-raised, career-minded and financially motivated. They want to participate in this globalized economy, they want to build better roads and better revenues in the community. Hopefully, I can build a small house, big enough to fit a tub and shower, washer and drier, hot water tank and heat pump, Fiber opt and cable, toilet and sink. And a open concept kitchen, dining room, bedroom and closed off bathroom. I hope to build a good home in Eskasoni. Nobody wants me to forgive because they keep abusing me in so many ways. 

I want my family to build self-trust, self-financial empowerment, self constructive development, self-efficacy and personal leadership in terms of knowledge. Which I know that learning is multifaceted, like suffering and many ways to suffer. Depending if it's good or bad, you'll be define in how you approach Freud or Adler model. I know that Bandler's model is better because I have a good understanding of it by a counselor. The precious knowledge of having to be traditional on terms of mainstream culture? I know that habits is under our control. And the definition of self-control is actually controlling the self habits, looking at beliefs and values differently, and having tenets and principles and standards of how we have to outwork myself. How do I approach this attitude, habits and mindsets in terms of positive impact in my self constructive development? 

I know that I am learning optimism and feelings of good when I do things. I know that daily accomplishments have been a learning curve when I was a kid. My stepfather didn't see how I was determined and focused to get outside when I had asthma. They say that physical fitness is a good thing. So, I kept it up and tried to develop personally, physically, and holistically. I am, of high maintenance and I could control my destiny. I know that I felt control and emotional, deepen range of self-efficacy. I had confidence and self-trust where I knew where I needed to work on. But when it came to addictions and abuses, I couldn't figure out how they wanted to relationally influence me in habituated ways. For years the Morrison family, and others, wanted to control my feelings. The idea of self-trust, self-empowerment, self-control and self-confidence has been a struggle because they took the narratives, created an inner dialog, held my mind as hostage, and threatened my physical presence. 

I was just a kid when I was introduced to addictions. I know that I was loved by my biological mother but she wanted forced forgiveness which is an empty gesture on her part. Yes, she taught love, respect and honor but in exchanged for forced forgiveness? I couldn't remember what I needed to, to have a coherent argument creatively. 

I know that I had lost a lot over the years. And Hackers and schemers wants me to tell all because they want to claim my identity. I feel that if I was writing an autobiography, it would be the same thing. Learning the Indigenous outdated contexts of AA and NA. I hope that I could control my emotional narratives and habits because it seems that the older they are, the more they want to take control. They disqualified, discredited and disempowered my knowledge, skills level and experience in my life. I know that I wasn't learning any new lessons because they wanted control over my mind ageistically. 

Anyways, there should be a inclusive philosophy of age that includes talking ages. I know that I want to develop a philosophy, alethiology and epistemology of relational persuasions and influence in terms of age, status, work/life balance and moderation of pleasures and levels of happiness. I an not that great of a man but I'll try my damnest to help out. I know that I am a Skilled Tradesman/Certified Laborer and I have a good repertoire of life skills that are job-related but could be used in professional careered services. 

I am not much to look at, I am not much of a reputable worker, I know that I'll need to earn my stripes and earn my respect in terms of Indigenous communities. I hope that I could learn what I need from my books, eBooks and other reading materials I hope to learn from. And I know that I need to get in shape for my second transplant kidney operation. 

I am happy that my cultural hometown is growing, thriving and becoming a self-sustainable community. And in that I want to move back because of Eskasoni Community Health Center is expanding into 5-12 dialysis chairs, an X-Ray unit and more funding for Mental Health and Health programs for women. The Eskasoni Dialysis Unit is an exciting prospect and I hope that I could have a home. And hopefully, Mawita'mk Society expands into Eskasoni where they could work on funding options and fundraising options. To build a home's infrastructure. We'koqma'q community is a good homey place but I want to being back a spirit of defiance against bullies. 

Through all the hell and personal constructive development, family leadership issues and hegemonic decisions. I know that I have a good life in We'koqma'q community and I know that I could schedule out my days in We'koqma'q community. Have my weekend pop bottles recycling labor, have part-time job at We'koqma'q Band Office, have volunteer job experiences with NA AA, Al-non and SMART Recovery meetings. Be An observer and attendee and member. I hope that I could learn a lot during my stay in We'koqma'q because I have been wanting to get my BA degree in majoring Addiction and Psychology, get my Bachelor of Social Works degree and get afew things during my stay in We'koqma'q community. 

I know that my professional/educational reputation is still a good standing, I hope. And I know that I want to build a good lifestyle in Eskasoni because I feel that I could work We'koqma'q Mental Health and Addiction services, or Eskasoni Mental Health and Social Services. I know that I'm less desirable because of my past. Learning to build a healthy relationship balance with work, side hustles, and weekend hustles. I hope that I could get Friday off. I hope that I could get my pop bottles in Port Hawkesbury Strait Bottles Exchange, work on my beadwork during my evenings, and have a paying job in We'koqma'q community. While I attend, observe and still be a member. 

I know that I have been learning how Social Security works in Eskasoni, and within First Nation communities. I want to write a Social/Job Skills Development Training program for people that want to learn how to make a portfolio. I want a Nova Scotia Careers public website/Facebook. And I want to see what I can do for this province. 

Eskasoni Welfare have been something of a growing thing, too. I don't want to be stuck on Eskasoni Welfare because I want my second chance in life. I don't want to settle down but I want to live out my life. I want to keep this momentum going with personal constructive development. I have goals that I want to do with, to reach terms of economic self-sufficiency and financial independence. Learning to have a small money/income and living my life with a good workethic. I hope that I could learn to do what I can with certain banking literacy and knowledge, with certain security and safety measures, and a good self protective practices. 

Knowing that Eskasoni is growing, Eskasoni might've changed over the 15 years I've been in We'koqma'q community. Knowing that they are a growing and thriving community, I still don't think they would want me like We'koqma'q community. We'koqma'q community has a greater retention and change than Eskasoni. And I don't think I'll have enough job opportunities in We'koqma'q community because I don't have any functional transplant kidney. I know that I was fortunate to learn from Eskasoni schools and community members and family in Eskasoni. But Knowing that aphrodisiac-induced crimes have been something of a hell's spawned Demons of mine. But that's my darkness and my childhood. Nobody else's but me.

I am learning how insignificant I am in terms of creating safety and security measures in Eskasoni. And how my story has been on repeat since I was a child, agnotologically controlled and psychologically manipulated where morality is a state. I am learning to Eskasoni how cheap I am, overly sensitive and trying to tell my story the right way. Most manipulations I've suffered depended on agreements and trust, which as I learn nobody in Eskasoni wants me to trust anymore. I am learning that 25-year life in Eskasoni has proven that I am not gullible but repeat the same things, you'll get the same results. And I suffer the moral consequences of moral cowards. I am human and as I learn neuroethics, I know that being human means to have the proper role models and standards, which nobody had in trust. They wanted to be bad ass and take their game to the next level. Highly political and favoritistic, I am learning that I've been targeted because of hatred and anger. The proper interpretation of my battles, are that I've been suffering the same conditions and didn't have anything easy in Eskasoni. Dr. Philip Zimbardo's work says that we have situational forces and social dynamics that affects our decisions-making, and in that I've been tested and weakened because nobody wanted me to live right in Eskasoni. The deadly alliance of moral decay of being a hegemony, relational persuasions and influence, and social dynamics that creates, with confirmation bias, bias blind spot and other cognitive biases, have been proving with intentions I am simply weak and pathetic. I was drug-abused in my childhood,  implagued with the same weaknesses of my past and they didn't want me to learn from my mistakes. Alcohol is a drug too, so, I've been learning to rekindle interest in my hometown. 

I know that I don't have the perfect past, I am not the ideal candidate for a long-term relationship, or marriage. And I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services or sanity. I am seen as something that should be an example of sober, productive, experienced and passionate writer of my past. They'd put me on a pedal stool to fucking create the fall. And I know that I don't have any respect for my disabilities and disadvantages in Eskasoni. Learning that I am insignificant in ways where an Indigenous descent's autobiography isn't a well designed and documented past of my childhood where I tell all. Billy Aquan doesn't want to know anything and he prefers that. 

I could live ideally in Eskasoni, alone and working because I want to have a good budget, financially-frugal understanding and usages, financial independence, literacy and skills. I know that I don't have any respect there too, because I know that financial abuses is everywhere. This world is more fucked up and more pushy in ways where they forced situations to happened. Feeling like I would have a harder time in Eskasoni because of financial abusers, thieves, home invaders, bullies and criminals in so many ways in Eskasoni denying, lying, defending and disposing of evidences. I know that I don't have any safety range or security measures in Eskasoni, enough to protect my sorry ass. They could be convincing and still be a lie. I am safer in We'koqma'q community because of Mawita'mk Society. Hometown hell has been my only experience in Eskasoni. I don't have any other life experience in 25-year I've been in Eskasoni. I am that insignificant and damned that I cannot have any jobs in Eskasoni. And knowing that Mike MacInnis wanted me to say this, the benefits, perks and freedoms of having my own place, is indispensable. But not secured. 

I know that people talk a good game and don't care if I am sober, smoke-free and have no chewing tobacco or any vices that would be my downfall. I read habitually, I write habitually, I hope to have membership to Eskasoni Fitness Center, have Fiber Opt for my place and work on casual. My stepfather is old school and he believes that I shouldn't have beliefs, standards, values, tenets and principles in my own belief system. I believe in sciences, philosophy and knowledge. I want to build on that through academic programming. Curriculum is ways to control my learning, I know that is how people been doing. I don't have self-trust because Dodo and Billie Jean has taught me not to trust myself. Well, the Morrison anyways. 

At this group home, I am insignificant because I don't stand up for myself against certain workers. And some workers don't do diddly squat for me when it counts. I have to be in debt or grant them something in name of doing it. And with certain residents, I have to put up with certain behavioral issues. And be all inclusive and understanding when nobody is with me. I have to go up and beyond with certain workers at Mawita'mk Society, because they work too hard. And knowing that I don't have a proper home anywhere, I am stuck at Mawita'mk Society because nobody is willing to help out. It's just that I need my own car, job and ways to make money legitimately. 

I am simply frustrated, of not having a car or my license because people taught me to fear. I know that I need awareness, keener perception and a better understanding of my own finances. I know that Mawita'mk Society has done a lot over the years I've been here. But as a group home they are regulated and have policies and procedures that I don't necessarily need in my life. I am pretty insignificant in my hometown but in We'koqma'q community I am valued, appreciated and loved here. I have to live my life by myself to see what kind of lacking and languishing I have in my aspects of life skills, routines and independence. 

I know that I have Mawita'mk Society to thank for my Toronto trip, I have Billie Jean and family, I have Clearwater Cares and Chief Leroy Denny and Councilman Leon Denny Sr., to thank for the support I got. But as domestic respect goes in my hometown, people tend to dominate and mix me up. In Eskasoni, I've been a target for many years, for money-grabbing, for work that nobody wanted me to get done, and for having no supports. Which a staff member here tells me that I need, considering what the meaning of independence is. This particular worker don't want me to defend myself, argue or stand up for myself. That seems to be with every white workers here. No matter the race.

I've been learning that I don't have any respect here either, because I have to have the needs of self-advocacy. People here wants me to be alethiologically honest when they themselves isn't honest. Ageistic favoritism and nepotism here. I have to favor the Elders in order to placate the workers. Knowing that nobody wants me to get my full driver's license. I could sense that they are neglecting to tell me anything. That I don't need my own ride to get around town, that I have to be reliant on others because Mike MacInnis and Norma and others wants me stuck and trapped in Mawita'mk Society. 

Personal constructive developments, is working on aspects of my independence, like a license, job, car and other means to make more money, have been affected by what people say. Yes, I am at a mature stage of my personal constructive development where I have a portfolio, job experiences, education, trade and Certifications. Yes, I am happy, to a degree of satisfaction, that I have my own portfolio. Anyways, personal constructive development theory is where aspects of life skills routines, monthly schedules, Google Calendar Schedule and independence, is where I've been working on with great interest like fitness, martial arts and boxing and wrestling, a study of refereeing and doing what I can with We'koqma'q time I have. I want to build my body into the perfect technique, core strength through calisthenics, body-building to a degree of weight-lifting. And martial techniques and skills practices. 

But I am disabled and have no ways of defending myself. I am stuck in this place languishing and lacking skills, time, exercises and calisthenics, that I don't think anyone wants me to build my muscles up. They fear me becoming stronger than them and that's what makes them moral cowards. I have to have a big enough place to put all my things in it: my bench, my bike, my weights, my bookcases, my video game consoles and games, my computer desk, my dresser, my two night stands, my bed, all my things, with a open-concept kitchen, living room, fitness area, dining room and bedroom. With a closed-off bathroom.

I want to have the self-esteem of putting security measures and safety measures in my place. Have all my contacts and connections contact me when they are coming. I don't think Eskasoni is that bad anymore. People telling white lies here and there, people trying to put the doubts, fears and worries in me while keeping me comfortable in this state of whatever goodness it is. And not doing right for me, by me and about me. It's more like Mawita'mk Society and how they've impacted me over the years. 

Yes, Norma, Mike and Mawita'mk Society have helped me over the years I've been in We'koqma'q community. To help me understand mental health and how important it is in our lives. The stigmas I have to deal with, the disablism and ableism, no more with classism and educationism. Nobody wanted me to be independent in the first damn place of my life. They've withheld information from me, gave me disinformation and misinformation, made me want to make mistakes and be overly generous. I know that I don't fit the family criteria for independent thinker. I don't think for myself and people lead my life. Like Rob one time ago.

I know that there was certain emotional habits that were toxic, morally decaying and creating resourcelessness. I know that certain workers don't want me to drive, for some odd reason. But this Thursday I hope to go Membertou and talk with Binchy alone. I want to see if he has an available place for me. Over the fifteen years I've been in We'koqma'q community, I'd worked on my emotional traumas, addictions-filled hypersexuality (aphrodisiac-induced crimes), reading about trauma and addiction through Dr. Tian Dayton's Trauma and Addiction, Dr. Gabor Matè's work in Myth of Normal, and Dr. Bessel van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps Score. 

I don't have any problems reading because I learned to enjoy thinking in ways that are solution-focused, strength-based and with resourceful beliefs and useful suggestions. I had a good understanding of how to bring people up and stuff, lift their spirit and do what I need to do for a job. Well, kind of. 

I am my father's son, my mother's protector and caretaker if she was alive. There is a shared history in these books, learning from doctors, clinicians and medical doctors. I have been learning to enjoy my reading experience because it gives me the perspective I need to have a good life. 

I know that I have a good environment at Mawita'mk Society. I don't think I would want to build on false premises or false evidences, but I want to take my court proceedings like a champ and hopefully, work on my own readership in mental health, cultural teachings and scientific lessons. I know that I am happy that i get to live a thriving life in We'koqma'q community but Eskasoni is becoming more appealing, more interesting and more affable. I hope to finish my goal in fitness to get my second transplant kidney operation.