Benefits of Morality in The Capacity to Be Dangerous: The Disadvantages and Benefits of Having Fathers, "Father Figures", Uncles and older Male cousins and older Brothers

I was taught morality from father figures in my Darkest Hour. I know that my "Real" father and "Step" Father have two distinct biological markers. My "real" father have went through Indian Day School and he became a careered security guard. And my "step" father who have had helped me in my meanings of my "real" father relational issues, have created and built a son that was capable of being dangerous but shouldn't do it unless it's absolutely necessary. Their stories in historical contexts of my life have been supporting each other when they didn't want to. Self-trust versus sharing trust has been their greatest influence in my life, protecting me from predatorial threats and a good deal of dangers in Nova Scotia society. My fathers have taught me the value of strength, simply living and enjoying my fitness in different ways.

My "real" father, who was questionable about his patterns, have taught me that complaining was something natural. That there was strength, conviction and meaning in what we say. So, they always taught me tolerance and endurance in physical sufferings, but too, there is two distinct reasons for "Good" Physical Suffering because of fitness and Walking, and "Bad" Physical Suffering which was abuse and inappropriate. I had "father figures" in my life where they taught me valuable information, ways and teachings, scientific lessons and simplification of problems. If you have a problem, solve it! If you have a physical, predatorial threat, squash it!

My "step" father was the sturdy heart beat of tough love, gentle guide and wisdom in my abilities. I know that he is my coach in sports,  and fitness and calisthenics training, my architect of dreams, morality and neuroethics. My "step" father always stand tall in challenges, imparting social and personal lessons in mental health skills, coping skills, resilience, job-related life skills, the value of hard work and determination. He taught me the values of follow-through and commitments, justice and balance and moderation. My "step" father is the sturdy pillar of discipline, strengths, capabilities, skills, and the source of inspiration for learning. He teaches through the emotional ranges of my self-efficacy, the value of hard work, workethic and good sense of purpose. 

My "step" grandmother, my biological mother and my fathers have taught me to stand up for myself, learning to use my words, to say no and to have strong convictions. I had brave parents on my biological mother's side and she imparted many wise teachings, extensive knowledge systems and life stages and life skills understanding. Self-trust is only good when you have to trust yourself, while a good small sharing circle of friends and family have been something of an self-analysis in terms of my independence. How to be culturally relevant in today's society, with meanings in suffering! I hope that I could have an strong economic and financial independence, and well-being, where I can make money on my own.

Considering that I have been on dialysis since 2020. I know that I've lost my kidney in 1995, the same time I'd lost my biological mother. And learning to navigate those feelings have been hectic with traumas over the years, with no reasons-mentality from my "step" father, for martial arts and fitness. It's such a breeze to go back to old medicam discipline habits and routines. I just gotta keep losing weight and keep on this path until I can get a good walking experience. I know that I need to have a good firm experience in creating a habit of walking. Well, usually my stepfather would say "just do it!". Unlike my biological father, who has a knack for sports, I have to keep practice at a high level playing field because my muscles becomes atrophy when not in use. I know that I have a rare genetic condition (and I do think atrophy is part of it) but I know that I need to learn from my general physician my conditions and how to work around them.

I know that my stepfather has stayed sober all those years, learn mental health skills and Certifications, have been in the same job for 25 years, became a Clinical Director and retired. Hopefully, I can live and thrive the same way in We'koqma'q community, where I've built a life and want to improve on it. I know that people have been supportive and encouraging, I know that I've been wanting to get my BA degree and get much education, training and Certifications, and accreditations where I could work anywhere I want in mental health. I know that I could build a good life at Mawita'mk Society because I could get a good start with We'koqma'q Mental Health and Addiction services. I was taught to be masculine with my "right frequency of emotions and thinking". I was taught that I could stand up, fight or argue for my beliefs and values because I got standards and boundaries. I have family principles and traditions, I have respected the Morrison family's wishes for a long time. I've been doing what I can for my own mental health stability, my sobriety and trauma-free lifestyle. 

I know my family's customs, norms, ideologies and other philosophy can be harsh or gentle reminder of my beliefs and values. I have been wanting to live in a good way of ontology and metaphysics knowledge, coping with neuroethics and Neurolinguistic Programming. I want to be Certified in Neurolinguistic Programming, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, logotherapy and traditional knowledge. I know that making meaning out of my own suffering has been something done by "father figures" in my life. Hometown 74th street I didn't think I would be good to thrive in Eskasoni. I know that I want to build up my portfolio. And than get my muscular fitness in We'koqma'q community, than get my full driver's license and truck, than drive on out of here. 

See? I wasn't independent right from the start because family didn't want to let me go. Same situation after I was diagnosed. I had 7 years to prove my self-sufficiency, learning that's not what they wanted all along. My stepfather didn't want me to prove them wrong because that'll mean I am free. Having a stepfather was difficult because he didn't want me to have any sort of relationship experience, job experience or driving experience. Now with half of my life spent working on myself, I find having a romantic relationship tedious and a lot of work to get a woman.  

I am at a group home that doesn't allow sexuality thrive in a "adult" place. I know that people are against me and trying to find the right woman, is tricky as hell because a lot of women are deceptive and put their best foot forward. I don't have any luck with women over fifteen years I've been here. Or, anywhere for that matter. So, I live ideally at Mawita'mk Society without the touch of a woman.

Because I am do not have attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services or sanity. Women are difficult to get, difficult to handle, difficult professionally and often difficult to make happy. I am not gay or any sexual identity, preferences or orientation, other than straight. Why do a man have to be an absolute stud in order to find a woman? I cannot find any free dating app, women won't date me unless I am tall or making six figures. And I have to take all the crap of a woman because she offers sex? I'll take a prostitute instead, of my choosing. Not my friends. 

My friends don't hook me up, family don't hook me up, people that are close to me don't hook me up. So, why the hell should I try to service anyone with my finances? I know that I am less attractive each year, knowing that I never had any relationship experiences. Learning that people want to scheme money off of me, have me financially stuck and dependent on them. I know that I was depleted of my masculine strength, discipline and attitude. The level of attractiveness I have isn't worth a woman's time because I am always close to death. And friends picks and teases me that I am at palm city instead of helping me out. I am emasculated by Mawita'mk staff because I don't have that "don't mess with me attitude". Unlike my male friends and cousins, I am not that attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services or sanity or personal independence. I am not even on the radar. I am almost turning 40 and it has been fifteen years living in We'koqma'q community that I haven't any results or anything in my life. All my memories are about is hometown hell and being beaten because I cannot get any woman? Don't give cigarettes when they want? Being malnourished every once in a while, losing important family members and struggling with poverty, beatdowns, addictions and trauma while being neglected by women. Uh? Men's mental health uh? 

Yeah, I am less than because I have disabilities on top of that. Why Should I get a woman? Women aren't compassionate creatures! They would rather watch the suffering in my life than to create happiness. And than, you have self-entitlement women who think I have to deal with their self-deluded pride. Who don't make meaning out of suffering, who want me to be independent enough to prove that they are always right. Yeah, I see the struggles of native women but I don't match their criteria of a Ideal Man. So, I have to thrive by myself. No beautiful woman came into my life to change it for the better. I had to make those choices by myself. 

Again, with disadvantages of having fathers, they don't want you to become better than them because I don't have any aspirations or inspirations from family, which have a tight grip on me. Empty gestures and empty promises give no meaning in my life. I know that Mawita'mk Society made me reliant on them in order to subsume my sense of independence. I enjoyed it by being by myself and trusting nobody. I don't have any manly credits to my name, I have no real meanings of masculine traditional strength, moral integrity, or self-discipline because I had to live with a drunkard who had absolute control over me. 

I know as I age, my body ages because of the telemeres in my cells. I have to overcome anxiety and my own PTSD and schizophrenia in order to date someone. I am less perfect year after year and getting worst. 

I got a general level of physical fitness, I have a portfolio and job experiences, extensive knowledge systems and how to use my job-related life skills in situations. I know that I had apartment experiences-2004/2004-a stint in Sydney's Cornwallis street, 2004/2008 (4 years here) in Eskasoni 50 Horseshoe Drive, 2008/2010 (2 years here) in Leonard Paul's apartment building, 2015/2019 (4 years here) in Mawita'mk apartment. 10 years and a month's worth of different apartment experience. I have my Adult High School diploma, I have different trainings, job shadowing and work term experiences, trade college graduation credentials, Unama'ki Driving Certificate and two years of driving  experience with my Beginner's license. 

But like I said, my fathers " have been the pillar of discipline, strengths, capabilities and skills" in terms of my independence and self-efficacy of my own abilities. I know that I stand in convictions that I love my fathers and enjoyed what time I had with him before he'd passed on. My "father figures" have taught me control and discipline, while my "real" father and stepfather have taught me to face life on life's terms. I've been learning the evolution and history of psychology from different sources of the world. There isn't one unitary source of psychology becoming an academic discipline and profession. I explained this because Dr. Sigmund Freud has impacted my life in ways that are still relevant to this day. Treat the underlying cause of behavior or addiction that have impacted my life in a negative way. 

I've been thinking how I suffered as a child, a mild extent to Indian Residential School intergenerational legacy. I've been learning to that legacy is how the mindsets of experimental curiosity has tempted certain family members to experiment with aphrodisiac roots with me. How my emotional/mind-altering drug-abuse has been their entertainment. And how I seen the world and have to see my emotional, dark child-eyes' perspectives. I've been in the woes of misery of boredom at first, than the litany of woes in addictions, beatdowns, types of abuse, discrimination and generational stereotypes and forgotten years. Considering that people have suffered in my childhood, implagued by the intergenerational trauma of that Indian Act legacy. I know that our sufferings defines meanings in how we shape our understanding of our underlying causes of addictions. 

My stepfather has taught the values of AA and NA, which to me at the time I was learning them, it was familiar grounds in our homes. Suffering happens when there is hidden trauma, I know that Truth and Reconciliation commission, or center have been an impact on my two cultural hometowns that I am from. I know that I have roots in Paq'tnkek, Eskasoni, Sipekne'takit, Pot'lotek, Membertou and Malagawatch, Mill Brook and Pictou Landing. I am hoping to develop a good understanding of how to build infrastructure from Chiefs and Councils of these cultural communities. And I am hoping to create better understanding and infrastructural developments in Malagawatch, Chapel Island, Paq'tnkek, Eskasoni and other First Nation communities. But I was raised in Eskasoni, Mi'kmaw Nation, L'nue'kati, Cape Breton Island. And Sipekne'takit, First Nation in the mainland. I am part of the two biggest communities in the province. And I know that I've been suffering a mild bullying tactics from certain people.

I know that I am, of Mi'kmaq Nation and certain elders' toxic impatience has been forcing me to "respect" them because I don't have any real powers in We'koqma'q community and Wagmatcook. I have no families here because my family is into several branches: Syliboy clan, Jown clan and Morrison family. I know that the Morrison have been my "step-family" from my biological mother's second marriage. I know that I don't have any respect here because in this community, there is families that I don't recognize. 

I've suffered humiliations, people's manipulations, abuse of power, hegemonic influence and persuasion, organizational hindrance, family's hindrance, certain power tactics and techniques. But I cannot overwork myself and I do need a balance lifestyle. I hope to create much money-makers in Eskasoni through my own "work performances" that I do. I know that the families here never hanged around with my family, I never asked to hang around with their families. I don't want to be here, they've used their relational influences and persuasions techniques to affect my thinking in ways where I cannot plan to move back home. 

Mawita'mk Society never had any intentions in helping me to move back home. And everyone here forced, convinced and coaxed me to stay here. I am getting tired of how these people are, how they want me to be, considering that I cannot choose for myself. They forced their opinions on me like I am not allowed to think for myself. Learning that I need to get my own place; I know they don't want that because of the mental changes in attitude about independence. I was taught to value, appreciate and enjoy, and care for myself when I am home, but in professional life put this other hat on. Learning that they don't want me to stand up for my beliefs and values, merits and work, workethic and dignity of labor, principles and standards, boundaries and work through my barriers. I feel that my fathers have taught me the value of independence. Self-sufficiency terms means to have a good respectable lifestyle in hometown. 

When things don't go my way, they say "oh well" like I'm less significant to this place. And learning how people operate here, I don't like it because it's favoritism for the Elders, ageism for people like me. Nobody did shit for my family in Mi'kmaq Nation, and learning that the legacy blinds certain families from true respect. I know that I don't have respect of privacy from certain residents, at first. Learning that I have to deal with certain families because I am considered helpless by Billie Jean's influences and persuasions. I let those people walk all over me, nobody really wanted me to have strength to do self-advocacy or self-protection. And do it right means I have to build up my muscles because of muscle atrophy. People would want me to languish and be walked all over because I haven't been keeping up with my own physical fitness. I say moral cowards hide behind muscles because they hurt so many people. Doing common sense the right way means I have independence. 

I approach this with a tough love philosophy. I've been taught the mental toughness I need to live in a cruel world. Addiction and suffering have been my path since day one, work has been something of a prerequisite for getting high in Eskasoni. Learning work discriminatory practices in Eskasoni, educationistic practices and bigoted treatments towards those on Social Assistance. I know that I had to move because I had something of a good life in Eskasoni: simple and easy feelings when I am home. "Father figures" have taught me to be independent enough to thrive, earn and prove the right ways when they approve. I know that's Dodo because he driven me crazy! Through aphrodisiac-induced crimes, he'd done right by me because he didn't want to learn his lessons. So, did Billy Aquan and Lori. Gordon too.

I wasn't allowed to defend myself in Eskasoni. I was told there was a moral boundaries that I shouldn't crossed. But I only did that a few times because I was hypersexual by aphrodisiac roots that they would put in my beer. Learning that's been a moral/social decay, nobody wants to see the psychopharmacology history of my past. That means they have to go through my medical records and my medical files. No, I wasn't happy before because the Morrison didn't want me to say they'd abused me sexually. I couldn't tell my story to its fullest extent and effects, because being the "Old Faithful" meant to be gullible and crossing boundaries in a drunken stupor. People would laugh but when crimes happen, they get serious about my consequences and emphasize extreme individualism. My former life was filled with dark realities and hells that they've created. I want to create happy memories in my current state, age, stage of recovery, resilience, milestone of my sobriety, and level of education and experience.

But at the stages of life I am at, I feel that I could benefit greatly in Eskasoni. I could plan to work on a burnt down house in 74th street. Have Mawita'mk Work Program extending to Eskasoni. And have that kind of frustration tolerance from REBT (Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy by Dr. Albert Ellis) distress tolerance from DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy by Dr. Marsha Linehan), and other coping skills to have self-advocacy in my own hometown community. Learning that I have helped to rebuild, add and practice new coping skills in this community. I know that We'koqma'q community isn't my "forever home". I want to have my own place in Eskasoni where I could put all my things into it. I am hoping to rebuild a certain place in Eskasoni, behind 74th street, at Horseshoe Drive. 

After I get certain Certifications, I am hoping to move back home when the Eskasoni Dialysis Unit is all set up. I am learning much as I can to build a repertoire of coping skills, to puzzle them together and use them in order to placate certain people's worries. There should be Inter-Indigenous Family Trauma System in place for Intergenerational Legacy Commission. The idea of "respect" is to honor and admire "someone" as a pillar of the community, because of their achievements and graduations, because of their skills and abilities, and qualities and principles. How they fought their way through "old school" prejudice and biased sociopathy. "Honor" has several meanings: 1. High respect, great esteem. This means you have a great reputation of being capable to harm anyone but know enough not to engage first. You don't start the battle, if anyone does then they deserve your full wrath. Also, it means you have properly defended your stance, moral imperatives and boundaries, faith and trust. You stood firm in battles of not engaging unless a person starts something. 

The humility in your own fitness, abilities and skills would grant you honor. That's just examples of how people should be. "Honor" has a meaning in doing the right thing, you are a young punk and earning and proving is your way now. You don't have to earn n' prove everything. But doing what you can on a steady path of your choice. "Honor" is also doing right by another human being, creature, beings and animals, insects and other living beings on this earth. Not suicide "doing right" but rather "do right" through common sense. 

Here! Nobody did right by me. Just gave me a quality of life in exchange for my personal independence, self-assurance, intellectual confidence, thinking for myself, my beliefs and values in Neurolinguistic Programming, REBT (Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy by Dr. Albert Ellis: learned to challenge irrational beliefs and using Frustration Tolerance, anti-awfulization techniques for difficulties), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy by Dr. Patricia A. Resick: learned "stuck points" and how to re-conceptualized my trauma with help), CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by Dr. Aaron T. Beck: ) DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy by Dr. Marsha Linehan: learned coping skills like Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation and Interpersonal Effectiveness) 

 logotherapy (by Dr. Viktor Frankl: learned to find meaning and purpose in my life through therapy). 

My fathers have taught me the difference between using self-trust versus sharing trust. I have a small circle but it seems that Norma wants me to rely on community, mental health and health professional teams (social worker, doctors, psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, nurses and support workers). I know that there is racists in Nova Scotia. With all the First Nation conventional jobs, I know that I couldn't choose what diploma I could get, degree to obtain, or Certificates I wanted. 

I want my crew to be in Eskasoni, sobering up and ready for work. Hopefully, I can build a good leadership position in Recycling Labor, Landscaping and General Contracting business. Hopefully, I would have Red Seal Certified, business licensed and with permits, registered trademarks and domain names of my own business portfolio. I know that I could start small with friends trying to sober up, we promote and attract in ways of living the quality life we have in Eskasoni. And build a apartment buildings and living quarters in, or near the work headquarters. Having, paying and showing the slogans of supports like AA, NA, Al-non and SMART Recovery meetings. Hopefully, I can build a livable and good place. 

Epistemologically I was kind of okay, I needed to defend myself and advocate for myself. But I know that people don't like it when I try to live in peace, at my own pace in life, have a personal muscular fitness, accomplished past and knowing where I want to go, instead of having everyone's opinions on me. With Neurolinguistic Programming I learned that I could run my own brain and put ideas and principles in my own head. Clyde doesn't like that, he is a paranoid freak. I know that I need to live my life on my own terms, with the knowledge and experience I have, the memories and analysis of them. 

Eskasoni members that have fucked with my sense of care, twisted the logic of loyalty and respect, love and heart. I know that I have been doing worst in Eskasoni because there are those that want me to understand words and sentences. Same with We'koqma'q AA and NA. The people that keep messing with me wants me to give up my heart. 

Mawita'mk Society has ingratiated me into their home. Knowing full well how my sense of care, trust, love and loyalty have been mistreated. I know that Mawita'mk Society could be frustrating but learning to have "Frustration Tolerance" and "Distress Tolerance" for difficult situations, I have respected Lolie Gould and others well. I've been respecting them from Day One. Knowing full well that they aren't bloodline family. But learning to cope with disappointments, disadvantages and difficult situations has been my test. I have to use my fathers' combined strengths, the coping skills I've learned for accepting difficult people, elders' impatience and other people, is a good understanding of "Mindfulness" and "Acceptance". Mike MacInnis is rushing because he wants me to learn verbally. I know that I want to read much as I can because when I reflect on shat I've learned from my books. I realized that my biological mother and stepfather was very smart to teach me, simply put it, "Tolerance" and "Acceptance".

I have learned through oral history of my childhood, teachings of native culture, psychology and mental health skills and coping skills. I know that with "Get The Life You Want", I learned that I am running my own brain and life. I have control of my own life, in that I could be more independent and learning what I need. These women at Mawita'mk Society are trying their damnest but I have to practice more health-conscious efforts and more discipline with my drinking habit and eating habit. I've been in that kind of petty thinking/stinking thinking where I need to practice more initiatives with Mawita'mk Society, take more pro-healthy choices and work towards fitness and Walking Endurance. I know that I need to take more accountability, responsibility and action for myself in terms of my pro-health obligations, duties and commitments to my own body.

The Morrison have dominated most of my life with what I learned through violence, drunken stupor and drug-related psychosis. They wanted something, they got it because they have to believe in their rights over my life. Through the psycholinguistics, through psychology, through forcing their beliefs of being right, righteous and just. They've created my distrust of the Eskasoni Community. Whoever is their supporters and believers, i have to doubt because my truths are well hidden. Their criminal motivations and determined willfulness to cover up the truths of their aphrodisiac-induced crimes they did to me. I couldn't stand on my two feet because their children was defending them. I am alone and working on myself. Nobody wants to accept this horrible truths and, in Neurolinguistic Programming, we always think in submodalities. No matter what, out of consciousness or not, we are always tormented by what we remember. 

Defending myself the right way have been my struggles. Nobody wanted to get the right truths and traumas unrepressed and out of their controlled. I am left in my own hell because of certain beliefs and values of this community. I am forced to un-repressed and break lose my memories. I know that I am hated by certain people in Eskasoni. I am more older, wiser and more aware that I have certain things in my past certain people want me to leave in the past.

With my spoiled, petty attitude and grumpy and cranky moments, reliance on Mawita'mk Society, We'koqma'q Mental Health and Addiction services, Theresa Cremo Memorial Health Center and family have been growing. I feel that I am becoming soft, spoiled, dependent, languished and weakened in my resolve to move back to my cultural hometown. It's much safer, better structured, routined and discipline lifestyle I have here. I am doing stuff here, I am going places here, I am learning things and doing things here. My resolve to be independent is strong enough but to move back isn't. Eskasoni isn't a safe place for me because I was set up through aphrodisiacs. I am hated and targeted for the very purpose of aphrodisiac-induced crimes. I've lost the battles in Eskasoni because the Morrison have played me wrong. 

I know that my step family tried to make me think I am an incel. And in that case, I could build a case why I need loving. I admit! Ah, I am not worth any females' time or efforts because I am learning that yes! I am experienced with sex, drugs and alcohol. But I haven't been able to live the sex, drugs n' rock and roll lifestyle I wanted. I hope to build a good life here because body-positivity, thinking that I am perfect the way I am, isn't the way of the warrior and it makes people lazy. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services or sanity or personal independence or any sexual identity that would make a heterosexual woman want me. Psycho-sexually? I am a pile of stacked shit that couldn't get a date, even if I wanted to. Because a lot of women don't like me. I cannot have strong convictions because it doesn't look good on me. They mostly want to use me for my small money, my things I've earned, or they want me to prove something for them. I don't have romantic beliefs or values because I learned those are useless in my life. And I cannot do business, apparently I am not vicious enough. 

Which suggests that business people are all psychopathic or sociopathic. I am hoping to get my own life together but I cannot work, well because I have ulcerative colitis. And a multiple of disabilities that don't make me the perfect kind of worker. Any stress I have, would cause me to shit blood. I have a sucky kind of lifestyle because I am that Great Disappointment. I feel anyways. Or Shame. 

Well, I can work but I need to de-stress after work. I know that I take mindful writing states into how my life was, how my life is, and how I am turning it out to be. Progress makes a lot of good reasons, milestones and good concrete evidences of why I should stay at Mawita'mk Society, in We'koqma'q community. I know that my lifestyle have been learning mental health language, ropes and understanding, and skills to use in a SMART Recovery Facilitator volunteer capacity. I am learning that within a volunteer capacity I cannot go beyond that scope of work because I don't necessarily have the skills to diagnose, or have the level of education, training and experience in terms of a medical, legal or professional capacity. 

I know that I've been abused through power of being right and approve. I feel that I have not been well respected in my choices of having choices. I know that in my past I remember having older people abuse through humiliations by ageism. I feel that I've been controlled, manipulated and used in so many ways because my life depend upon it. How I remember they had control and power over because they didn't want any freedom of my mind. A Soul that remembers, is a soul that is truly independent and able to think on his or her self. Dr. Sigmund Freud has always espoused that treating the underlying cause of behavior of concerns, psychological addictions, and chemical addictions, is why people have wanted to forget. Dodo wanted me to forget his influences and persuasions because he, the Morrison and his brothers have wanted me to forget the aphrodisiacs, drug abuses and comfort traps of addictions, money being spent instead of saving, having little remembrance of what they did, and over-sharing habits as a safeguard for what they considered their versions of beliefs and values in being right. 

They've fucked with my ontology, they've messed with my metaphysical freedom, they've created boredom in my literacy, fluency and mathematical skills. I know that I've been learning that they have been dominating my life so badly, that they've created a reality of their own truths. They feared my memories, they lived a stress-freed life. They've had all this knowledge, power and control over my life that they've only had the power of validation, the power of being right, the power of running my brain, and power of determining my mental status. If I had no rights than that means they've dominated my life in ways where I couldn't stop the behavior, they've determined morality and ethics, beliefs and values. 

I know right from wrong, I know that I've faced many issues in my life. Hometown hell has been teaching me right from wrong since day one. Knowing that I have control and power to run my own brain. Subsuming with Dodo's sense of some kind of righteousness. I had to break free from certain people. My memories is what keeps me independently thinking. But my stepfather wanted to regulate my aggressive feelings, to honor my friends and cousins who have been through hell. And fathers help me explore my angry feelings, "father figures" help control impulsivity and regulate hormonal lust. I feel that I've been in comfort traps of addictions because I couldn't remember the next day. Doing what I could to get my education, my trade and driving level up. Older male cousins help guide and uncles help with understanding the family dynamics in a "right loving" way. I know that I've been through hell in my hometown, but I need to get much mental health literature as I possibly can, for my improvements, benefits and positive aging. 

I am like a tick that drank iron-deficiency anemic blood, don't have the wherewithal to develop the necessary iron shots to live my life. I know that I am something like a trapped dog who is stuck in a house, starving and malnourished because I couldn't move or feed myself. Don't have the necessary strength to bite through the rope and break free from the place. Another words, without the necessary supports my mind won't comprehend I need to make changes to better my life. That's practically what my sister is saying, and what I am afraid of. That's what I feel like too.

Learning that fathers have impacted my life in a positive way where I have learned "right thinking of love" for my family. My stepfather didn't want to teach me driving yet, because I needed to graduate from Eskasoni High School. That was the deal and learning how they've impacted my life, I had to move from Eskasoni because there wasn't any safety in Eskasoni for me. Nobody cared enough to help out. Well certain people have helped out but too embarrassed to say. 

The Morrison say that they don't have control and power over my mind. But what's this subservience to them? I am obeying them when they want me to obey. Learning emotional self-efficacy and empowerment, I know that I have a ideal place at Mawita'mk Society. Some people have annoyed me but I feel that I have Tolerance (Frustration Tolerance from REBT and Distress Tolerance teachings from DBT). I know that respect can be questionable because of past traumas and agnotological hegemony. I know that I couldn't really right the wrong that has happened to me because nobody wanted me to honor and respect my body through nutrition and fitness. 

I am learning to be patient when it comes to doing meetings and SMART Recovery Facilitator training, or any training for that matter. I feel enrichen by the knowledge systems and skills training I've been through with Norma and NSCC and Eskasoni Rehab. I've been thinking there should be a lot of training from Eskasoni Rehab and a couple honorariums with Mental Health Peer Support/Facilitator training and other training. I've been wanting to move back but every time I do, I have intrusive memories about how certain events in my life have unfolded. Another trauma response, is returning to the same behaviors and addictions as last before and expecting a differences in results. They re-create situations and expect that person to surpassed what that person has already failed. And continue like this because certain members of Eskasoni haven't gotten over their trauma or any grief. The despair I had about being right, good and sound wasn't because I've done wrongs, but the reality that these certain family members have re-created and community members that wanted me to fail. The addictions was a attritional-downward spiral of poverty, malnourishment, sufferings, poor place, poor health and self-destructive habits that everyone wanted me to face because they wanted the re-creations to keep happening until my death. 

I know that people don't want to overcome their traumas because they have been in a emotionally dysregulated state of cognitive biases, cognitive distortions, stuck points, Freudian coping mechanisms, unhelpful thinking styles, logical fallacies, cognitive dissonance, poverty, historical legacy trauma, intergenerational cycles, addictions, self-loathing, sufferings, poor care of a place, poor health and self-destructive habits. I've learned all this but I also know that I am not perfect. 

I was told to forgive the Morrison for what they've put me through. That's because they wanted power through a child's mind and work their anger and talking into the community as forgiven criminals. They've experimented on this child because they didn't want to forgive me in any sense. My family (Jown and Syliboy) are both blunt people. I know that I am kinder and more compassionate in ways. I hope that I could develop much as I can, with what I have now. I am learning to heal from trauma and shame that have been exploited by the Morrison family. Well, kind of in a way- through teaching me control and power over my own life, I had to be brave for the redemption path because they wanted me to admit my wrongs.

I know that Truth and Reconciliation, and alethiology will give meanings in my sufferings, through logotherapy, DBT, CBT, REBT, Neurolinguistic Programming and motivational Interviewing. I know that there are Tim Perspective Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, EMDR and other therapies that have benefited me in my own life. Dodo have taught me AA teachings, NA teachings, Catholic religion teachings, native knowledge systems and spirituality, and prayers and focus. And than I'd learnt logotherapy and traditional culture. I have strong convictions, fitness and work understandings of my own body, strong faith and trust in family, no matter how genealogy is complex. And the definition of spirituality, self-efficacy, self-respect, self-management, self constructive development areas, intellectual self-assurance, self-control and tolerance. 

I wasn't the ideal child/teen because of past, unaddressed addictional struggles in poverty and under threats. I know that I wasn't allowed to save my money because addictions and other issues in Intergenerational Legacy have been a human rights issue for some time now in Eskasoni. I was supposed to financially be supporting my step family's addictions because they were afraid to confront their demons. 

I have to repent because I have done wrong. And learning my role in this community, there might be sexism and paranoia following types of discrimination and generational stereotypes. I know that I'm stronger intellectually. Being right isn't all that, they could force their opinions and beliefs about being right all they want. Still don't make them true. 

Because of the Morrison, I've learned to run my own brain, manage my own life, think for myself, continue with learning, how to set boundaries and standards. How to accord the collective wisdom of the family, how to use and believe in family beliefs and values. How to think right and how to stand up for what I believe. I know that through the darkness I've been hypersexual and hypergamy wasn't a thing. I did not owed anyone anything and there wasn't any financial abuse through hypergamy. The first time I did have sex.

In the collective wisdom of my stepfather, who have exchanged his integrity for a better grip over my life. I, now have to live here in name of the everyone's collective hegemony in the Intergeancy, Eskasoni Rehab, We'koqma'q Mental Health and Addiction services, Eskasoni Mental Health and Social Services, Cape Breton Regional Hospital's First Floor and Mawita'mk Society's efforts in stabilizing me in the time that those workers where there. I've bettered my life since The Big Move to We'koqma'q community. Learning to get back into routine and develop good habits, showing workethic and dignity of labor kind of Go-getter's attitude, financially-frugal mentality and Growth Mindset. 

I have shown commitments to my schooling, to doing college (at the risk of my health) and other schooling that risked my health for proving their points: that I could go hungry for the time I am doing my Unama'ki Driving Schooling. I know that I am not well recognized, received and liked by the newer generations if I do stand up for myself. I know that I don't have any respect in any place I go because there isn't any Disability advocacy for my health. NSCC College would rather me give up than do it myself. I feel that I've accomplished things because I have faced many discriminatory practices in NSCC College. And I know that it's mostly in the trades.

I know the benefits of morality in the capacity to be dangerous. Because I didn't show any weakness ot vulnerabilities, I had to be a bully or a community Batman. I know that kind of silver lining and falling into demonic transformation from my angel standing. Dodo wanted me to fall and become a Darken Child of Tragedies, Losses, Missed Opportunities, Traumas and Addictions. As I move through this life I'd realized that there are many opportunities I'd missed because I stuck it out with the Morrison. I know that I am still going through medical issues and I know that I've been the alpha and leader before. As I take one opportunity; there is ten or multiple opportunities I'd missed. 

Well, I'd turned from a bullied victim, from being a bully, to being a diplomat, from being a worker in a sense. I know this enrichened life I am at and I know my value. I know that I could build a hometown home but I just have to work on my financial goals because my situation is different. I have to start saving my money until I reach my financial goal. And as I am saving; I hope that I could lose weight and become a endurance walker in a sense. I want to be able to speed walk to Eskasoni. Learning how to jog and speed walk to build up endurance and strength.